SPEAKER_01 0:00

If being a Dom or a sub was easy, then everyone would do it. But it is hard. It is a lot of work. But it is so, so worth it. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living Podcast, where you'll learn how to break free from the vanilla rut, unlock your true potential as a dominant or submissive, and finally make BDSM a lifestyle. I'm your kinky guide, Alessandra. Thank you so much for joining me today. I'm super, super excited today because you're going to be spending time with me today, obviously, but not just me today, but several other kinksters just like you. These are kinksters who've struggled in the past and who wish they could have done things differently in one way or another. So that's what this episode is all about. This is a unique episode. It's actually kind of an experiment. I've never done this before, but I would love to know by the end of this episode how you feel about it. If you like it, let me know. If you didn't like it, please let me know too. But the reason I'm trying this and doing this is because I'm always trying to mix things up just to better serve you. So in this episode, I'm actually bringing in multiple audio clips from several different kinky people in the online bit um BDSM world in the BDSM space. And I will be chiming in after each of them just to kind of talk a little bit deeper and um share things that I have on that topic, and I'll tell you exactly what they're going to be talking about in just a second. And yeah, it did take a little bit of time to put this together. I'm not gonna lie, but I thought it would just be fun to ask the same question to different kinksters out there who are living the BDSM lifestyle, who have found success with it, and who would just love to share their experience with those who are just starting out. And that's what this episode is all about. I'm going to be sharing their name, who they are, where you can find them so you can actually connect with that person online. And I'm also going to be sharing their answer to the question. And that question is what's the one thing that you wish you had known before getting started with BDSM? And like I said earlier, I'll kind of chime in a little bit afterwards for each one, and then we'll wrap it up. But so, all right, here we go. Here is the first one. This is Sir Phoenix Black, and you can find him on on Instagram at real Phoenix Black.

SPEAKER_02 2:46

What do I wish I knew before getting into BDSM and why? And I think first of all, that's such a such a good question because there's so much to to learn in this. Um probably the biggest thing is that after learning how to do the things, the flogging and the kink and the and the and the whips and the fire play and all of that kind of stuff, that's when the hard work actually begins because you have to look you have to start looking inside yourself instead of outside of yourself. And learning that the same things that got you to be a great top will probably be a hindrance in you being a great dominant. Um the same things that got you here won't get you there. And you're trying to confront those insecurities at the same time that you're trying to lead. So so the the the confidence, that's probably the biggest thing. The confidence, the ego, the bravado that got you to be to learn how to be a good top and learning the skills and stuff like that, a lot of times may be a challenge for you being a good, a good dominant and good leader.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

So that was Sir Phoenix Black, and you can connect with him on Instagram at real phoenixblack, but I I really loved what he said where he said, what got you here won't get you there. And I use that phrase like all the time for BDSM, but just other things too. You have to really grow and evolve, and you do have to move beyond the skills that you started when you first began and really start focusing on your mindset and like you said, battling your insecurities too, because if you if you don't, it's going to hold you back from making any real progress because it is a journey, and you can't just rely on the things that you did in the beginning. Those things were great in the beginning, but you do have to eventually progress. So I love what he had to say. Next up is Mimzi from the blog Bound Together.

SPEAKER_03 5:02

I think the main thing I wish I'd known before I got into BDSM is that the majority of people who are into it have bedroom-only dynamics. When I was dipping my toe in years ago and attempting to do research to find out what I might be interested in, everything I found talked about 24-7 dynamics. And as someone who was still getting used to the idea that I might be kinky, I found this really intimidating and off-putting. Everything I read made it seem like the only way to incorporate BDFM into my life was if I signed a contract and lived it all day every day. That didn't appeal to me, but it was difficult to find anyone talking about it as a veteran-only thing. And I began to wonder if I fit under the BDFM umbrella at all. This is almost funny to me now, since of course tons of people engage in veteran-only thing. They just aren't the ones writing about BDFM the most online. I think if I had been able to find BDFM perspectives from people who aren't 24-7, it would have made me a lot less nervous about starting my BDFM journey. And I think more broadly, it would have helped if I had known that you don't need to like everything BDFM involves in order to participate in it. You can take the things you like and leave the rest behind. These are the main reasons my husband, Vagabond, and I started our blog, boundtogether.net. We try to make BDSM approachable for all the people out there who are like us and are having trouble finding the right resources.

SPEAKER_01 6:25

So that was Mimzi, and you can connect with her on her blog at boundtogether.net. And I can totally appreciate her perspective. So lots of people practice bedroom only kink. Um, so many of my students do. So many people I meet. Um maybe if you're listening to this, you're practicing bedroom-only kink right now, and it's it's totally fine. Um, and and while me and my Dom are 24-7, we did start out as bedroom only. It's a lot of fun, and it's a great way to see if kink in DS Dynamics is something that you want to explore. And and that's the the beauty of BDSM, really, that there's no wrong way to do kink. Um, as long as what you're doing is safe, sane, and consensual, it doesn't matter if you're practicing bedroom only. And so if you want to do bedroom only, do bedroom only. Don't let other people's dynamics intimidate you because everyone is welcome when it comes to BDSM. Now we have Antanya, aka Anna Kink, the co-owner of the social platform AltLife Community.

SPEAKER_00 7:43

So I am opening up about my personal experience and journey into BDSM. And I want to share with you what I wish I had known before I started exploring this lifestyle. I could talk about misconceptions that BDSM isn't always about pain or sexual acts, that it's a broad spectrum that covers a variety of practices and dynamics, and then it's uh more about the psychological play and power exchange than just physical interactions. But when I first got into BDSM, I didn't really know a lot. I was pretty young, and my introduction to the scene was anything but structured or consensual, and this lack of guidance and understanding led to several misunderstandings about responsibility and consent. Looking back, I can see how crucial it is for anyone in the BDSM community, especially newcomers, to be proactive about their safety. This means being well informed, doing your own research, having clear, open conversations about boundaries and what you're comfortable with. When I was younger, I didn't do any of this. And I thought that as a submissive, my safety was entirely up to my dominant. And I was so wrong. I took a very naive approach, which put me into some dangerous situations, and then I ended up being a victim to predatory behavior and grooming. Unlike today, there wasn't as many resources or information readily available on mainstream social media, for example. But that's not the case today. One of the hardest lessons I did learn is that being a submissive doesn't mean you give up all your responsibility for your safety. And that it's crucial that both dominants and submissives work together to create a safe and consensual environment. I learned that the hard way through my experiences that were not only harmful but traumatic. My journey into BDSM has taught me so much about the importance of education, clear communication, and shared responsibility when it comes to safety. And that these are the cornerstones of a safe and consensual and fulfilling BDSM experience. I am fortunate and lucky enough to have grown up and now in a healthy, fulfilling and safe dynamic with my CERC. And we have been to in that for two years now. But if you are thinking about exploring BDSM, I would say this it is not just about exploring your desires without consideration of yours and other safety. Everyone that is involved has a responsibility to maintain a safe and respectful space.

SPEAKER_01 11:03

So that was Anna Kink. And again, you can connect with her on her site at altlife.community. And I could totally appreciate what she had to say. So I just wanted to thank Antanya for opening up about her personal experience and being brave like that. Um unfortunately, she's not alone. I've heard this, you know, kind of same story from other people too. But definitely, like she mentioned, you you need to be proactive. Um and that goes for both dominants or submissives. Um there's risks involved with each. But know that even if you're 100% proactive, that there still are scary people out there that may take advantage of you, either sexually, financially, physically. And so know, either way, if you're new, even if you're not new, no, if you do encounter that, no, it's not your fault. It's a reflection on the other person and how they are. It's it has nothing to do with you, but yes, definitely be as proactive as you can. Like she mentioned, education is extremely important. So is communication, and just remember to prioritize your own safety too. So I love those points that she brought out. And next up is Queen Anna Blue from Queen Anna Blue.com.

SPEAKER_05 12:42

I have seven things I wish I knew before getting into BDSM. Number one, you can still be a good person and be into BDSM. I grew up in a very religious background, and for me, I was always weary of being into BDSM or anything about sex and playing with people that weren't your spouse. And so it was always like, oh, am I still a good person? Am I gonna go to hell for this? But if it's consensual and you're having fun and you're being safe, then it's okay to be into BDSM. You're still a good person if you're a good person. Two, when you play with someone, sex does not always have to happen. You can play with someone and sex doesn't have to be on the table. Even if you had sex previously or multiple other times, it doesn't mean every time you play, sex is there. There's nothing wrong with sex. If you want to have sex, talk about it, describe it, consent to it, do it. 3. Short scenes are sometimes better than longer scenes. Sometimes when we try to push ourselves to do longer scenes, then we give ourselves more time to have mistakes happen, to have more injuries. And sometimes the shorter scenes are some of the best ones. I've read a popular book where they said a good scene is at least two to three hours. And I was like, no, that's not always true. Sometimes the short ones are sometimes the best ones, the best memories. So don't. If the scene is over, the scene is over. Three. I mean, number four, size is really not that important. Size is great, you know. We're talking about anatomy and whatnot, but what else do they bring to the table? Can they use their hands? You know, sometimes people are really good with the strap on, or maybe you want them to not have sensation and feel what's happening and still put a strap on or a cover on. Have fun. Sometimes size, sometimes they're too big, and that's not all always enjoyable. So be careful when you're like, oh, I need somebody big because is that really gonna work with your anatomy? And what else can they do besides look what I have been given physically? Five. Chastity is not just a submissive thing or a sissy thing. I do a lot of chastity with my partners and clients, and sometimes people are like, oh, why is that person chasty? What did they do wrong? Or ooh, they must be a sissy or a submissive, and it's like, no, sometimes people use chastity to get closer together, or maybe it's a moment of like, ooh, you're teasing me. It's tease and denial type of thing. So chastity is fun as long as it's consensual and you're not hurting yourselves with it, and you got the right equipment for your equipment, you can do it. Six submissives can have their own voice and speak up and have boundaries. Gas, yes, submissives can have boundaries and they can have their own identity. There have been some papers written about how some people in dynamics they lose themselves because they are so focused on a dynamic, whether they are serving or being served. So submissives need to know that you still have an identity no matter what type of submissive or what type of service you are into. So that is important, and we need to stress that more in our community. Seven, your skills are not more important than your character. I don't care if you are a world-renowned teacher, pro-dom, pro switch, pro-sub podcaster, whoever, you can have all the skills in the world, but if you're a terrible person, you know, your reputation and your character are really your biggest and best business card. So sometimes people are like, oh, I should play with that person. Like, why? Well, you know, they've they've written so many books, they've done all this. I was like, but if they're mean and you heard that they've been abusing people and all this stuff, why do you want to play with them? Like, just because they have 5,000 toy bags doesn't mean they're the best person to be with. So just make sure you don't get blinded by the toys and really look at the person too behind the paddle. So those are seven things that I would like to stress about the things I knew before getting into BDSM. And also, you know, think before you kink. So thank you, and let's have fun out there.

SPEAKER_01 18:43

So that was Queen Anna Blue, and you can connect with her on her site at queenannablue.com. And man, I I just love her energy. I mean, don't you? Um, but yeah, I a hundred percent agree with everything she said. I don't really have anything to add, in fact. Uh just hit rewind and listen to it again because everything she said was was gold. Now, next up is Kiki from the Kinks with Kiki podcast.

SPEAKER_04 19:14

One of the biggest things I wish I knew before getting into BDSM was to seek out my own community. The BDSM community is very vast, is very wide, and is people from all different walks of life, race, ethnicities. But I wish I would have done a little more with trying to seek out my community. Like I have my tribe now, but back then in 2015, I was so I was so determined to educate myself on BDSM and educate myself on like being in this lifestyle and the dynamic and my identity in the lifestyle that it didn't really register to me in that moment because I was so wrapped around the educational part because I wanted to know as much as I could pursuing this lifestyle, um, I didn't think to really seek out people who identified like me, who look like me, who could relate to things that I would endure in the lifestyle. It gradually came, and I'm so thankful that it did. But if there's anything that I could tell anyone who is interested in the BDSM lifestyle with the kink community, is to do your research, of course. I say that first and foremost, do your own education, gain your own knowledge about the lifestyle and what suits you best in this lifestyle. But the most important thing outside of education, I would definitely tell you to honestly find your tribe, find the people who get what you are into, find the people who identify as you do, because these are gonna be the experienced people who can tell you the right things, especially when you're new and you know nothing and you've experienced nothing. These are the people who do have that experience and do know more, especially if you meet people who've been in a lifestyle for decades. Like those are they're such a huge component of knowledge in the lifestyle with people having experience. Like, seek out your own community, seek out your people, seek out the people that you trust, um, that you uh expect, well, not expect, I don't want to say expect, that you that you would like to guide you as you embark on this new journey of the BDSM lifestyle, because these are gonna be the people that are really going to be there for you when you hit a hiccup or when there's something new that you experience or something bad that you experience and you don't really know who to speak to about it, you don't really know how to speak to someone about it, especially when they're not in a lifestyle, because they won't understand it anyway. So finding your finding your community within the community and finding your tribe is definitely one of the biggest things I wish I would have known before getting into the lifestyle because thankfully, almost 10 years, I have curated my tribe, my people, and my community, but it would have been nice to have that in 2015. I again I was so I was so adamant about educating myself because I wanted to know everything, but there's no better teacher than experience. You can learn everything about this lifestyle and never have the experience to really give an in-depth description of what you're learning about. So definitely, definitely, if you are new to the lifestyle, you're interested into the life getting into the lifestyle, find your tribe. There are munches you can go to, there are forums, there are groups, Instagram tools. Twitter, especially Twitter, Facebook, like find your tribe, find your experienced community and educate yourself, but also ask questions because getting that knowledge from an experienced person and getting the education by reading and researching, it'll be the best thing that you would ever do for yourself in the lifestyle.

SPEAKER_01 23:53

So that was Kiki, and you can go listen to her podcast. It's the Kinks with Kiki podcast. And definitely go check her out. I've collaborated with Kiki before when I hosted the Dom Sub Dynamics Summit, and she is just a genuine and kind human being. And I loved everything she said. Um, definitely find your own community. Um, find a community that resonates with you and that you feel safe and seen in because there are lots of different BDSM communities, like she mentioned, you know, online and offline, but definitely representation matters. And so you want to feel safe and seen in your community. And again, like she said, education, you know, taking in as much information as you can, education will only take you so far. You do need actual experience and a community. Because just like we say in life, how it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to raise a kinkster too. So definitely find your own community. So I just want to finish off by sharing my one thing that I wish I knew before I got started with BDSM. But before I get to that, however, just a huge thank you to everybody who spent a lot of a little time leaving a message for everybody here listening to the show. So all the kinksters that left me a voicemail, thank you so much for that. I appreciate it so much. What was really interesting after listening and going through and editing all the stuff, it was just how everyone was so different. Um, I believe it shows that just everybody has their own different struggles in the beginning and that there are ways to get through them no matter what. Because in the beginning, it's it's going to be tough. But later on down the road, when you're an experienced dumber sub, you're going to be saying some of the same things to yourself too. But just know that you're not alone. There's a lot of people out there, like like these people who we we got to listen to today, who were featured on the show today, and and they're just a few steps ahead of you, and we're all here to help you. I'm very thankful that they came on to share their wisdom today. Thank you to everyone. I I really appreciate it. But to finish off, I guess I'm number six. I'm the sixth kinkster, so I'll go and finish it off and close off the show by telling you what my one thing is. And like everybody else said, I I did struggle when I first started. I wish I knew all those things before I got started as a submissive. However, the one thing that I feel ties everything together is, well, before I got started with BDSM, I wish I knew how much power and potential I had as someone who enjoys this lifestyle. That it's not something to be sh ashamed of or to hide, because I did have a lot of shame and fear when I first started, and I was afraid people would think I was weird. I was afraid family and friends would find out, and that it was something to be embarrassed about and something to hide. But the truth is, practicing BDSM is so, so rewarding, and it benefits all aspects of my life. So it benefits my emotional health, my mental health, even my physical health, all of it. And it's it's really helped my relationship too. It's brought me and my husband closer, and I've learned so much about myself, I've learned so much about him, but I wish I would have just embraced all of that more and really owned it and really immersed myself in it more instead of holding back. Because really BDSM, I like to think of it is it's my superpower. Because if being a Dom or a sub was easy, then everyone would do it. But it is hard, it is a lot of work, but it is so so worth it. And I just really think that in the beginning, I took my journey for granted in a way. Um, I was, you know, like I said, living through a lot of fear and nervousness instead of having that confidence to really immerse myself in it fully. And so I really wish sometimes I could go back and be fully present in what I was doing and not rush through things and just kind of like enjoy that beginner's mind where everything was new and exciting. And so my message to you is just to appreciate your journey no matter where you are right now, whether you're bedroom only or you're 24-7, whether you're a veteran or you're brand new, and just realize you have so much power and potential. So be present and enjoy BDSM to its fullest. And thank you all for listening in, and especially because of you, the audience, the Dom Sub Living community, you are what helps me stay on this journey. So I just want to say thank you so much for your time today. I hope you enjoy this episode. If you want to go and leave a review about what you thought about this episode on Apple Podcasts, I'd really appreciate it. And you can also get the show notes at domsubliving.comslash zero one zero. And that includes the names of everybody who was here today and also where you can connect with them online. And again, that's at domsubliving.com slash zero one zero for episode 10. And I also wanted to give you a free gift today just for listening to show my appreciation for you. And you can grab it at domsubliving.comslash gift. It's access to dozens of BDSM resources like videos, worksheets, guides, quizzes, and you can redeem all of that for free at DomSubliving.com slash gift. I hope you enjoy this episode. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Sub Living community. And a huge thank you to all of the amazing kinksters who contributed today. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the show notes, and be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.