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I was blindsided. Like, if you're listening to the story, you're probably also like, what the heck? And I'm telling Jay, like, what the heck happened? I don't, I don't understand it. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living podcast, where you'll learn how to break free from the vanilla rut, unlock your true potential as a dominant or submissive, and finally make BDSM a lifestyle. I'm your kinky guide, Alessandra. So it's finally 2024. It's it's crazy, a whole nother year. It's already January. I'm already crazy busy. I don't know how this happened. It happens every year. But um yeah, here we are, 2024. And I don't know about you, but I actually love New Year's energy. I like starting over and having that like momentum and that motivation and drive. So I'm I'm one of those like weird people that that loves Mondays. And the fact that January 1st is happening on a Monday just seems really, really special to me. And it is just really like making my OCD feel like really good. And in last week's podcast episode, I shared everything that is coming for this year for um the business for Dom Sub Living and some of the things that are changing. So definitely if you haven't listened to last week's episode, go and check that out so you can be up to speed on everything. But today I'm actually doing a recap episode, and this one is going to be a little personal. Um, okay, it's going to be really personal, actually. Um, who am I kidding? But I know I don't tend to share a lot about my personal life, but last year was a bit of a whirlwind, and I knew when I started this podcast that I'd be getting a lot more personal and vulnerable. So I figured that it's a new year, I'd just rip that band-aid off and share a little bit about my personal life and probably over share too. So um, you're in for a treat. So I'm going to be sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly of my 2023. But I'm actually going to be doing it a little differently. Um, first, I'm going to share the bad, then the ugly, then the good, because just for my own mental well-being, I need to end things on a positive. So without further ado, let's just get into it. So, first with the bad. So, one of the bad things was I was sick a lot. I was sick probably most of the year. I'm actually still sick right now. I'm recovering from bronchitis, and this is the second time I've gotten bronchitis this year. I'm actually one of those people who get sick really, really easily. I didn't used to be this way, but when I was 25, I got um cancer. I got non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. So it was stage four, and obviously I'm here today, so everything turned out good. But if you don't know anything about non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, I had it in, so it was stage four. So I had it in my my chest, in my throat, on my liver. And so I had to do a lot of chemotherapy and radiation treatment. I did radiation to my my chest and to my neck. And so, like I said, thankfully I'm I'm here. I I have my life. My um my kids have a mother. Um, Jay has a wife still, but I I tend to say that cancer is the gift that keeps on giving. So unfortunately, I came out of it with just a horribly weakened immune system. The radiation treatment caused asthma and hypothyroidism. And so things are always popping up. I just get really tired and run down easily. And so that's one of the reasons too. I was really nervous about even doing a podcast because I knew it would be a weekly commitment that I'd be having to talk a lot. And talking is not something I'm very strong at because of the radiation treatment I had to my throat, that it gets hoarse really easily. And a lot of times I just don't know how I'm going to be feeling when I wake up. And so that's one of the reasons I don't do anything live too. Um, if if you've ever heard me on someone else's podcast, I probably canceled on that person like twice. And so that's why it's also hard for me to schedule people on my own podcast, because just something always comes up. I'm I'm always sick. And so this last year I I was sick a lot. Like I said, I I had bronchitis twice. Um, and so when I get sick, I don't get sick like a normal person. Like I'm out for like two months, and it involves like multiple antibiotics, steroids, even, and it's just super frustrating because I really try to take care of myself. I'm I exercise, I make sure I get enough sleep, I um, you know, get all my shots and things like that. I'm plant-based, I eat plant-based. So it's super, super frustrating to see people that like don't take care of themselves and like they're never sick. That that's Jay. He's like never sick. And when he does get sick, it's like he's dying. But it seemed like this past year, like I was just constantly, constantly sick. And maybe you were too. I know um here in California, like respiratory illnesses have been like way up. But so that was one of the the first bad things really was just how much I was sick and the severity of how much I was sick too. So another thing I guess I would be characterizing as bad as is that um Jay has been doing a lot of out-of-town work. And I kind of mentioned this um on other episodes, but he has been pretty much gone during the whole weeks and just here on the weekend. And I'm in the interview that I did with him, if you haven't listened to that, that's episode seven. You can catch it at domsubliving.com/slash zero zero seven. But Jay is a foreman for a construction company. And you may have remembered, um, I mentioned that we had moved from the Bay Area to the LA area. Um, and so Jay worked for a construction company up there, and he found uh another construction company, and he was a foreman down here, and things were going pretty good. Um, but his the old owner of the company up in the Bay Area kind of offered him uh an offer that he couldn't review refuse. They they really, really missed him, they really, really needed him, and they kind of made it worth our wild. And also, too, because he had to switch unions, um, which is ridiculous, even in the same state, but I guess because California is so big. But so his union benefits were not transferring, and we didn't really foresee that. Um, we thought they would because it was the same type of union, just a different local. It's it's super confusing. But so he got offered this really good opportunity. But so what it entails is him basically leaving on a Sunday night and coming home on a Thursday night. And then he gets, you know, Friday, Saturday, and most of Sunday. And in the beginning, like we were actually really excited. We thought, like, this could be a good thing. Like, I'm pretty much a loner. I like to be on my own, and he likes to just focus on work when he's working, you know, he feels bad that, you know, he's gone, and then when he comes home, he's tired. And so we just thought, well, this is perfect. You know, they they got him like a company apartment um with a couple other guys, and that way he can just work and sleep, and I can just kind of do my own thing down here. And we really had high hopes of how we were gonna keep our dynamic going throughout all of this, but life happens and things started to fizzle, and we kept saying, like, oh, but we have the weekends, but then on the weekends there was so much catching up to do. So it was becoming really, really challenging. And then because we kind of started neglecting our DS relationship, we kind of got into that vanilla rut. And then, you know, of course, arguments start happening, like, you know, shocker, like Jay and I are human beings, and we will have arguments, even when he wasn't, you know, up north for work, we would still have arguments because we're normal people. And even in a DS relationship, you will have arguments. So, one thing we started doing, and something I I highly advocate for all of my students who are struggling, is we started seeing a counselor again as a couple. And so we found a kink-friendly therapist and down here and started having regular visits again. And so, because we nipped it in the bud and really started doubling down on our dynamic and figuring out a rhythm that works for us so that even when he's up north, that we're still texting, we still have this system for how he checks in with me, um, tasks I still need to do. And that way, when he is home on the weekends, there's not a whole lot of catching up to do. It's just mostly fun and scenes, and um, we can just focus on each other. So things have they were kind of rocky in the beginning, but we're in a really good place right now. And with the holidays and the new year, he actually got to take a lot of time off work. So that was like really, really nice to have him home more. And so hopefully this year, 2024, it will be a lot smoother. We actually kind of calculated the math and how much he needs for his um hours in the union, that maybe instead of four days a week, he can just work three days a week. So we're really excited about that. And it just goes to show that even if something changes in your life, it may be rocky in the beginning as you both get situated. But if you have that commitment to your dynamic and you have the systems in place, I mean, you know what to do, you know how to have check-ins, you know how to go over your contract, you know how to have your daily tasks and all these things as a DOM or sub, and you know, have these kinky scenes, you know, it we all know what to do. It's just a matter of doing it and and also having that help with the therapist um really got us back on track. So one of the good things that really came out of this is we feel that we have more empathy for people who are in long-distance DS relationships. Because before, you know, Jay would um be gone for work sometimes, like maybe for a whole week at a time, but that was just like one or two times a year. But now, like having him be gone for like four full days every week has you know really changed our dynamic um for the better. I think it just really shows how committed we are and how much we've grown, but it has given us a lot of empathy for people who are in long-distance DS relationships. And in a future podcast episode, I'm actually going to be sharing more about how to make long-distance DS relationships a success. So definitely subscribe so you don't miss that episode. And then another thing I guess I would categorize as bad, and this kind of relates to Jay working out of town a lot, is that we both took a break from dating other people. And I don't usually talk about this, and I don't usually like even mentioning this, but Jay and I, if you didn't know, are polyamorous, and I tend to not talk about it a lot or at all is because I know it turns off a lot of people. I I have a lot of people that come to me saying, you know, me and my partner are married and we're monogamous and we don't want to change, and we want to learn someone who is also monogamous. And I get it, I totally get it. I I know how some, you know, so-called BDSM educators out there really push polyamory as just like that it goes hand in hand with BDSM, and it really doesn't. It it 100% doesn't. And so I don't want people to see me and Jay that we're polyamorous and just immediately write us off because that's not the case. I I will never mention that someone should try polyamory in their relationship unless they bring it up first. And I will always honor whatever your dynamic is. But another reason I don't like bringing it up is because the way that Jay and I are polyamorous is very stereotypical. So he will he only dates women um and non-binary people, and I only date women and non-binary people. And so I know that's like the typical one penis policy thing on the surface, and I don't want to come across that way, like that just like icks me out. I really hate people that have that. Well, I don't hate people, but I hate that policy of the one penis policy. It is um just so misogynistic on so many levels. But on the surface, that's kind of what we have. And it's the same like with our DS relationship. The the man in our relationship is the DOM, and me, the woman, is the sub. I know how stereotypical that looks and how stereotypical that sounds. And so I just don't want to perpetuate that stereotype. And I also don't want to really be known as the person who teaches about polyamory. Um, there's so many other great educators out there, and I just want to stick to BDSM and DOM sub relationships. I might come out with a training in the future sometime about polyamory and how it relates to DS relationships, but again, like I know that is such a sensitive topic and it can turn off so many people. And so I tend to not even share what that looks like in my own relationship. But so back to my 2023 and what that relates to. So um, because Jay took on, went back to his old company and was basically gonna be gone a whole you know, week at a time and just come home for the weekends to spend with me and the kids. Like Jay had a girlfriend he was seeing, and they decided to break up just because it would be too hard for both of them when all he had was the weekend to kind of you know share with me and share with her, and it was just it was becoming too stressful for all three of us, and breakups are never fun, but she totally understood, she was totally cool with it, and it was really hard for him though, and and it was hard seeing him go through that. And I just took a break from dating others while I focused on us. Um it I had like I said, I I had a lot on my plate already. I was, you know, sick most of the year, and I just wanted to focus on us and focus on us getting into a new good routine. And so I took a break from dating others too. But um, now that things are kind of stable, um, I might be start uh starting to date again. I don't know, we'll see. Kind of just to make new friends because it's really hard for me to make friends, and I'll actually be sharing more about that in a little bit, but you know, being new to an area, um, my family's not down here. It's just, you know, me and the kids, it's it's it's hard to make new friends, and dating is one way to do that. So I don't know, we'll see. Okay, so now for the thing that you are probably wanting to hear the most about. So now for the ugly of my 2023, and there's actually two main things that I would categorize as ugly. Um, so the first one is I had surgery. So this is on top of being sick. I actually had surgery, and then after my surgery is when I got my first bronchitis, I had the surgery two weeks after I had I hosted the the virtual summit. So it was like the summit ended, and I was exhausted from that. And then two weeks later I had this scheduled surgery, and it was a preventive preventative surgery, so um, you know, nothing was alarming that was causing it, but it was a surgery that I kind of had been putting off for like a year, and I just knew like I need to get this done or I'm never gonna get it done. And so, what the surgery was, and you may want to fast forward if you don't like icky details or details about women's issues, but so the surgery I had was I had my uterus removed. Um, I had a hysterectomy, but I kept my ovaries. And the reason why this was preventive, preventative, I can't say that word. So my maternal grandmother had uterine cancer, and my mother had uterine cancer. So, just doing the math, I was probably gonna get uterine cancer, and I already had non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. So cancer just runs in my family for some god-awful reason. Like my grandparents got cancer, both my parents got cancer, my brother has had cancer, and my sister had cancer, and she actually passed away from it a few years ago. And I've had cancer too. So if there is a surgery that can prevent me from having cancer, I am all for it. So um, the other reasons why I wanted to get it done as a preventative surgery was because if I had the surgery, if if I ended up getting uterine cancer and they needed to do a surgery, um, they would have to take everything, like even my ovaries, they would have to take all of my lymph glands around that area too, and I would have a huge scar down the front of my stomach. So this way, doing it preventative, I was able to keep my ovaries, so I'm not going through menopause or anything. Um, and it was laparoscopic, so they were able to just, you know, go in in a couple very small places. Um, in fact, I posted a picture on Twitter once that was showing my part of my Halloween costume. And in that picture, I show my stomach, and you can very very slightly see the scars still. I still have those scars. And the scars kind of make me sad because you know, I didn't have scars on my stomach before. Um, I didn't have a C-section when I had my kids, so I was able to not deal with scars from that. And so to finally, at this age in my life, to have scars, it's it's a little sad, but I I kind of just think of it as this allows me to still be on this earth, to still be with Jay, to still be with my kids. But back to why this is this was ugly for me was because because it was a laparoscopic surgery, it was only supposed to be like I was supposed to be able to come home that day, but I had some complications, um, and I ended up having to stay overnight. And me In hospitals, do not mix. I have a lot of trauma from hospitals from having my own cancer and then from dealing with my sister having a really horrible, horrible um cancer battle, and then eventually losing her. So I hate hospitals. So I was having a panic attack in the hospital. I was crying and I was also sick because again, me and pain meds don't mix either. I couldn't keep anything down, and they had to just keep me overnight, and I was a mess. And Jay was only supposed to take two days off of work because we thought, well, this will be easy. I can recover pretty easy, but I had a hard time recovering. So he should have taken a week off. But I was the one saying, like, no, I'll be fine. I was not fine. So it hurt a lot more than I thought, partly because I cannot take pain meds at all. So I I actually see this as a blessing. You know, we have such a huge opiate crisis in in the world. And whenever I, you know, hurt myself, hurt my back, or have something like surgery, and a doctor wants to prescribe me opiates, I'm just like, don't, I won't even take them. And so I don't. So I didn't take any pain meds when I came home. I think I took Tylenol one day, but I just tried to power through it. I'm one of those people who just tries to power through it. I didn't have any drugs or pain relievers when I had my two children. And I, you know, I'm a masochist. What can I say? Like I really pride myself on being able to endure pain. Um, but it was, even though I can manage the pain, it was just really hard to move around. And I was not expecting how that would go. And so, of course, it affected our DS relationship. You know, obviously, we weren't able to do impact scenes, we weren't able to really do scenes at all for the first like month. Um, but we did, you know, do we always keep our dynamic going um and honoring our roles and little things. So it wasn't like, let's just stop until I'm recovered. It was never like that. You know, we're still always dominza, but as far as the intensity and the amount of like BDSM, like we were actually able to do was small. And I really like being used and useful, and that's really hard to just feel like I'm out of commission, kind of, and that Jay has to take care of me. And so that was really hard. And then the other thing that came out of that that was just really, really ugly, is we had a lot of medical bills come from that. So even though Jay has really good insurance with his union, obviously we live in America, and all of you who are listening that live in America, like you know how our medical system is. And so we had huge bills and bills that we didn't see coming, and that was really traumatic. And it was traumatic for me because I mentioned that you know, everyone in my king, my family has had cancer, and I was like, I think like 10 when my dad got cancer, and he had the same cancer I had, and the medical bills just it literally bankrupted us. We literally went on and declared bankruptcy for my and my mom went on welfare. So it just really angers me that we live in a country where this is still a thing, and so whenever medical bills come in, it just is really triggering. And so seeing these thousands of dollars of bills, even though we have insurance, it was just like really, really hard to deal with. But I'm all recovered now, everything is good. I have like 100% mobility, like you wouldn't have you won't, you know, you can't tell. Like I had surgery, like I can't tell. Jay can't tell. And um, I feel really, really good and in a really good place because I don't have to be worried and wondering, like, when am I gonna get uterine cancer? And you know, what should I be looking for? And and when the doctor did remove everything, you know, they examined all of this the tissue and saw like there was no signs of anything developing. And so that really made me me happy too. So yeah, that's that was the first thing, and and hopefully I didn't gross you out. Hopefully you're still with me. But the next ugly thing, and this is this is really hard for me to talk about, and I even I even thought like I shouldn't be bringing this up because I still haven't really processed it, I still don't fully understand it, and this happened in January of last year, so it's been almost a full year, and it still is like really hard to talk about, but and it's just such a weird situation, you'll see. But when we first moved here to the LA area, I met a friend, a woman. Um, and we had a lot in common. We were both vegans, we both really loved Disney and Disneyland, because Disneyland is right here. Um, and so we actually met at the the parks and you know, just became, you know, really, really good friends. And she was just super friendly, and we super hit it off, and I was like, wow, like I'm in a new place in a new area, and I already have a friend. Like this is really good. Like we would go out and do a lot of things, and it was it was just really, really nice how how great we clicked. And especially because I do have a hard time making friends and and also letting people see all of me and all of my different identities. This is something I've struggled with a lot. That with vanilla friends, I have a hard time sharing, you know, the BDSM side of me, and even like how I have a blog and now I have a podcast and things like that. And then even with the BDSM friends, I have a hard time like sharing my vanilla life. I, you know, for some odd reason, and you know, I've been exploring this through counseling and things, but I have a hard time almost like compartmentalizing my different roles and identities. And it's really hard to let down my guard and just have people see all of me. Um, and so when I met this person, I just thought I'm in a new area, I have a new friend, I'm just going to turn over a new leaf and just be vulnerable and let her see all sides of me. So, you know, from the beginning, when she asked me, you know, what do you do for a living? You know, I told her I run a BDSM blog. You know, usually I tell people like, oh, I teach about alternative lifestyles because it's like I don't want to like freak people out because I have done that before, but I really wanted um to just be different and own all my different identities, you know, told her I had kids, had her meet my kids, um, was really open about my relationship with Jay and how we were polyamorous, um, and just, you know, all the different facets of me. And there was some red flags with this person from the beginning that I saw, but I was just so happy that I had a friend. So one thing was she was really open about her mental health and that she had depressive schizophrenia. And I just want to say, like, I struggle with mental illness too. And this isn't to say that like people who have mental illness that there's something wrong with them, or that's a red flag, but it was a red flag to me in that how she, I guess, like handled it. Um, she was on medication for it, but there was a lot of like behavioral things that just I kept overlooking or just dismissing. And she did tell me that a lot of her friendships end that either she just like cuts it off with the person because she's afraid that they're gonna end it, so she wants to end it first, or the friend, you know, feels like they can't be friends with her anymore. And I just thought, like, I'm gonna be different. Like looking back, this was a very like codependent relationship. I had a lot of codependent tendencies with this woman and just thinking, I'm gonna be different, you know, I'm gonna be the good friend. And those other friends, they must have not, you know, like had the endurance or the compassion that I have. She was also very um, I would say she like used people a lot. She would always talk about how she didn't have any money, and it was just kind of like this poor me thing until like someone gave her money. Um and again, like not bashing on people who don't have money or things like that, but it was just always like how she worded it. And she was just always kind of like mooching off of people. But again, like I just kept thinking, well, I'll help her. Like Jay and I would like buy our things and and help her and buy our meals, and you know, it was just like we felt like she was this little project that we needed to save, which is like so codependent now that I think of it. But hindsight is 2020. She also had this toxic ex-boyfriend that she was so obsessed about getting back together with. And it is hilarious because it's like, you know, writing the outline for this podcast, like I could see it clear as day, what started becoming the issue. But so as me and her, and even Jay started hanging out more, you know, she was constantly like posting on Instagram. That was another thing. She was like addicted to like Instagram. It was constantly like, take a picture of me, and you know, very, very just like superficial. And so when she would start posting pictures of me and especially Jay, um, her ex magically like started getting interested in her again. So started getting jealous. Cause especially like she would say, you know, in the Instagram story, like, you know, these are my new friends, and they're BDSM educators. And so magically, like her boyfriend came back into the picture and started messaging her and wanting to be friends. So that was going on. And then another kind of red flag and thing that was the issue was she also drank a lot. So so these are all things that were like happening in 2022, but it's I swear it's gonna lead into the January of 2023. So you just have to hang with me. But so another thing was she drank a lot. Um, and so being friends with her meant that I was drinking too. And I don't drink, I I didn't drink a lot. Like when I would go out, I would have like one drink, but and it would be like one drink every two weeks. But being friends with her meant like, okay, we'd go out on a Tuesday, have drinks, go out on a Friday, have drinks, go out on a Sunday, have drinks. And I was just drinking a lot, but I was just really happy to have a friend, and she was introducing me to other friends she has. So um it was, you know, it was nice to have friends in this new area that I was new to. Another thing that was really great was also that my my son really liked her. I opened up to her about, you know, how I had cancer in the past. Again, these are all things like I would usually hide from people. I didn't want people to know I had cancer. So I told her how I had cancer and how I had recently lost my sister to cancer. And so I opened up about how um my son lost his aunt and how that was really hard for the family. And so my youngest son, he he's also autistic and he doesn't have a lot of friends either, especially being new. But so he really liked her, she really liked him, and so he started calling her auntie. They would message back and forth, she would, you know, post pictures of them together on Instagram and they would just message each other. And so, you know, when she would come over, they would hang out, and um, he just really liked her. And like I said, he would call her Auntie, and she loved that. And she was also asking me and Jay a lot of questions about kink and BDSM, which I thought was great. I'm like, oh, this is, you know, I I love talking about kink and BDSM. And finally, I have a vanilla friend that I can talk to about these things. But things started taking like this weird turn. So she started getting really touchy-feely with Jay, which I don't mind because, like I said, we're polyamorous, and we were open with her that we were polyamorous, but she was just always so touchy-feely with him, and she would message him and things like that. But looking back, I think it was all really to kind of just get this ex-boyfriend jealous. So it all kind of came to a head on the New Year's Eve, so from 2022 to 23. Um, so she invited us over to her house with some other friends, and it was New Year's Eve, and she was completely drunk. Like I haven't like been to a party like this since I was like a kid, but like she was completely drunk and just like all over Jay to where it was making both me and him like very like self-conscious because there was other people there that we didn't know. And and this isn't like it's a kink party, like this is all like completely straight vanilla people, and you know, she's just very open, like, oh, these are my friends who teach about BDSM. And I would just felt like it was gonna give this, like, put us in this like really awkward, awful light. And it kind of did. So I'll tell you what happened. So the other thing that was going on that night was she was just constantly texting her ex-boyfriend, like back and forth. They were just constant, um, constantly texting. So, like right at midnight, right after midnight, her friends like all left, and she was like falling on the floor drunk, like literally falling on the floor drunk. And I was really upset that like her other friends just left her with this trashed house. Um, and so Jay and I helped her clean up the house really quick. Um, we made sure she was safe and we went home. And I thought, no big deal. And I messaged her the next day. Jay messaged her the next day, you know, made sure she was fine, that she drank all her water and everything, and she was like totally fine and cool, and you know, laughing with both of us, joking. Um a week later, we we talked on the phone, we were laughing. We actually had plans um at the end of the week to go to Disneyland together. So I was just saying, like, are we all are we on for Disneyland still? And she said, Yeah. And then like the night before Disneyland, like she called me and just and canceled, and I was like, Okay, do you want to reschedule? I'm still gonna go, but do you want to reschedule for a different day? So she said, Oh, think about it. And I thought nothing of it. Like I said, we were on the phone joking and laughing, everything was fine. So the day after that, I messaged her and just to say, Hey, how are you doing? And she messaged me back and she said, I still can't believe this, out of the blue, texts me and says, Don't ever contact me again. I was blindsided. Like, if you're listening to the story, you're probably also like, what the heck? And I'm telling Jay, like, what the heck happened? Like, I I I don't I don't understand it. And so my son actually went to message her and he she had blocked him. And that just made me livid because it's like, you never mess with my kids. Like, every mom is like that. You don't mess with my kids, but especially because I had opened up to her that he had recently lost his aunt to cancer, and she kind of took him under her wing and you know, was totally loving how he was calling her auntie, and she just blocked him. And this is a child, and I just still think like how you treat a child says a lot about you as an individual. But again, I was just blindsided, and you know, she blocked me on everything, so it's like I couldn't get an explanation. But finding out and putting the pieces together, so what I think happened, and you may be thinking, knowing what happened, so lo and behold, she got back with her ex. And so I think what happened was either the ex, because he was toxic and controlling from every, you know, she even said, you know, he was abusive. Those are words she used. I think he was super jealous and said, Don't ever talk to these people again. And, you know, she had told me that he was like that in the past, and that was kind of what led to their breakup. But I think she kind of used me and Jay to get this guy jealous. And then once she was able to get with him, you know, she cut it off with me. I I don't know, but um it is just such a weird, weird situation. But but I found out that that week um she had gotten back with her ex. And so if I had to guess what happened, I think that is what happened. But the whole situation, as weird as it is, it just really hurt because that was the first time I was really able to open up to someone who was a vanilla um and share with them so openly about who we are and what we do. And I'm not gonna lie, like it's really made me hesitant to share that with other people. Um I do know and I do believe the saying hurt people, hurt people. And I really think she has a lot of hurt in her life, she has a lot of toxic toxicity in her life, a lot of insecurity, and um, you know, again, like those codependent relationships that when you have a good, healthy relationship and you're, you know, someone who has issues, that you know, you will usually sabotage that. And she had told me that friendships had ended um a lot of the times, and now I can kind of see why. Um, and even um recently I had heard that um one of her longtime friends actually told her, like, I can't be friends with you anymore. Like it's you know, it's too, you know, toxic for her mental health too. So I do know that it wasn't just me this person was weird with, but it it does hurt and it it is weird, and you know, to you know, get this friend when I first moved here and to be able to share, you know, all these aspects of me so openly, it was hard. And then I just think, you know, did we do the right thing moving here? Like, like all these things went into my head, but I'm just trying to use this as a learning experience. And I keep telling myself that it's a reflection on the type of person that she really is, and it's not a reflection on me. Um, and actually too, I found out that she's not with that guy anymore, that it only lasted like a month or whatever, and then they um he was back to being his old self and and she's the person that she is so. So I know that she still has her issues, and I I kind of see it as a positive because it could have gotten even worse. Um, and if the relationship, if the friendship was going to end, I would rather it have ended sooner rather than later. So that was all the ugly that happened all in one month of January. So it started with that New Year's Eve party, and then it just culminated in her just out of the blue, blocking me and Jay and even my son. And to this day, I never got like an actual response from her as to why, which is very cowardly to be honest. Um, and I still think that she um she like keeps up on me and Dom Some Bliving. So maybe she'll listen to this um and maybe she'll do some self-reflection. But but as for me, I'm now actively seeking out other friendships and other relationships and just trying to not let it hinder me. And so I guess the lesson for you is if you have a toxic relationship or a toxic friendship, like know that's a reflection on the other person and not on you, and all you can do is learn from it and continue to be the amazing person that you are. So now for the good. So because of that experience with that um friend I had, I actually stopped drinking alcohol um because that night at the party, I this sounds like really, really stupid, but I had like two really hard um drinks that night, which is a lot for me. Because like I said, I I would only usually drink one, and that was because like of my history of cancer, like, you know, I I wanted to drink in moderation, so I'd only drink one, but you know, but very rarely would I have two, and so that night I had two, and so just seeing her drunk all the time, and just you know, the last time I saw her, like she was literally like falling on the floor and stuff like that. Like, I just thought, like, I don't want to drink for a while, and so I thought I won't drink for all of January. I'll do dry January. I won't drink and we'll see how it goes. And I just felt really, really better. And like I said, I didn't really drink that much to begin with, but when I would drink, like I'd always feel like garbage the next day. Even if I just had one glass of wine, I'd feel like garbage the next day. And then I read this post from a doctor who was mentioning that alcohol is a carcinogen. And I had never heard that really before. Maybe you have, and you're like, yeah, duh, I know that. But I had only heard that, you know, to prevent cancer, that you should drink in moderation. I hadn't heard it, I hadn't heard it worded that alcohol is a carcinogen. And, you know, I looked it up just to make sure. And yeah, it's it's a carcinogen, it causes cancer. And so I try to do as much as I can to prevent um cancer and carcinogens from entering my body. Like I said, I'm plant-based. I, you know, do as much as I can for exercise and getting enough sleep. And I know like life is meant to be lived, but I thought alcohol is just something I can live without and I don't need it to be happy. And so after I read that, I was like, I'm gonna do the whole year. And so I've done the whole year, and I don't like saying that I'm sober now because I never really got drunk. I like to say that I'm alcohol free, which technically isn't really true because I still have like kombucha, which has like a tiny amount of alcohol in it. I think it's like 2% alcohol or something, but um yeah, so um I don't drink anymore. Um and it's been a whole year and I feel really, really good. So I will just probably continue to be alcohol free. Um Jay still drinks, um, he'll go out with his guy friends and he'll drink, or you know, if we're going to a baseball game or something like that, he'll drink. But I have noticed that because I don't drink anymore, that he is drinking less too. But we found some really good non-alcoholic um IPAs um because I was like a really good big IPA girl. So if you want my recommend recommendations for some really good non-alco-alcoholic IPAs, definitely send me a message. But some other good things that have happened this year, Jay also got me a new collar. So you've probably seen me in pictures with wearing a few different types of collars. It really kind of just depends on the situation, but he bought a new one for me. And so I'm sure you'll be seeing me wear that one soon. I am really excited about it, and it's really, really pretty. And some other good things is we started going to munches and events again, so that's been a lot of fun. If you don't know what a munch is, it's like a meetup for people who are into BDSM and kink, and that has just been um really a lot of fun connecting with the community down here because we have the LA area, but we also have the San Diego area, and so that's been really neat, and just going to different events and meeting other people has been a lot of fun. Um, if you want to find events and munches um near you, um, if you're a Dom Sub training student in the Dom Sub training course, um, we have that bonus resource section where you can search for munches and events in your area and find local things there. So there's always that. But another good thing is I hosted the Dom Sub Dynamics Virtual Summit in February. I shared a little bit about that in the last post that we're gonna be doing that again. Um, but it was a lot of work, but it was so, so much fun. And I'm definitely gonna be doing it again, and I'm so excited for it. It'll probably be in like it'll probably be in like March or April that um I do it. And then the last good thing is this podcast. Um, I can't believe it, but at the time of this recording, we have over 10,000 total downloads, and it has just been um such a great journey putting this podcast out there. I again I didn't know if I was gonna be able to do it with my voice. I'm sure you can tell from the start of this episode to now, my voice is a little more raspier, and again, that's just from having radiation treatment. Um, it always constantly sounds like I'm a smoker and I don't smoke. So um, but so my my voice has been somewhat holding up and and I'm able to do this even with recovering from bronchitis. Um, Jay has to edit out all my my coughs, but um, he's such a good editor, so I always really appreciate him. But the podcast has been a lot of fun, and I hope you stick around for all the future episodes. But wow, that that was a lot. So it was a crazy year, and that was my good, the bad, and the ugly. And hopefully I didn't scare you away. Hopefully, you don't view me differently now that I've kind of shared more of what goes on behind the scenes. A lot of it was kind of vanilla stuff, but it um I'm I always feel like I don't separate really my vanilla and BDSM life with myself. Like I see them as one is the same. They affect each other. So things that go on like with the surgery and things like that, that that still affects my dynamic with Jay. But I I hope that maybe you got something out of this. I hope you had a good year, that it wasn't too bad or ugly or crazy like mine. But um, like I shared in the last episode, I have a lot of exciting things planned for 2024. So be sure to get on my email list at domsubliving.com slash sign up. And that way you won't miss out on any of all the good craziness. We have a lot of good craziness planned for this year. But I hope you enjoy this episode. Thank you for joining me today and being a part of the Dom Subliving community. And you can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the show notes. And be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Subliving.