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So I was in this dungeon watching this scene and it just, you know, progressed so perfectly, you know, and then, you know, of course, in the end, you know, the the submissive orgasms on cue. And it's, you know, whether that's real or not, but it it just can make someone who's new and starting out feel like, well, that's how it has to go every time. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living Podcast, where you'll learn how to break free from the vanilla rett, unlock your true potential as a dominant or submissive, and finally make BDSM a lifestyle. I'm your kinky guide, Alessandra. So when you're starting out in the world of BDSM, you may be intrigued by Dom Sub relationships, but you may feel like there's this whole world underneath the surface that you're missing. BDSM isn't just a game of sex and control. It's an incredible journey of trust, understanding, and emotional depth. Today we're diving deep into what no one tells you about power exchange relationships. We're going to be debunking common myths and talking about the dirty, daily realities no one talks about and all the emotional, sexual, and physical connections that make it all worth it. But before we begin, I want to tell you about the Dom Sub Dynamics Virtual Summit I'm hosting. You can grab your ticket at Dom Subdynamics.com. I'll have the link in the description, but it's a virtual event featuring 20 different speakers in the kink and BDSM space. I'm so excited about this, and you can grab your ticket at domsubdynamics.com. But back to this episode about what no one tells you about Dom Sub relationships. So I really wanted to create this episode because when I first started out, there was a lot of things I wasn't expecting on my journey. I started a BDSM relationship with my husband. And so that brought a lot of things to the table that created a lot of conflict because we already had this vanilla relationship and this vanilla foundation that we had to try to figure out how to navigate and bring to the world of BDSM. And so there was a lot of times where I thought, am I doing this right? Am I being a good sub? Am I doing too much? Am I not doing enough? Am I having sub frenzy? Or, you know, should we be 24-7? Should we be TPE? And, you know, we had kids, and you know, how do we make it so that the kids don't know what we're doing? And when you are in a vanilla relationship, like when you start dating, or even when you get married, there's there's so much advice and self-help books and um you know shows and just so much support out there. You have, you know, relatives that will will help you in your vanilla relationships and and friends that are willing to give you advice. And we don't have that, unfortunately, in the kink community because there's this taboo. You can't really talk about it. So there are some resources out there, but definitely not a lot if you're, you know, in a vanilla relationship. Again, there's just, you know, as tons of books and talk shows and everything to help a vanilla relationship, but not a whole lot for a Dom sub one. And so that's why I created this episode. Because I just kind of want to normalize BDSM relationships. And that's the whole mission of the company Dom Sub Living. Um, I really want to make it a way of life because again, there's just not a whole lot out there. You know, there may be classes and and groups, but a lot of it is hard to find. And then, of course, after 50 Shades of Gray came out, that's kind of what everybody thinks of when they think of a DOM sub relationship. So there's not a whole lot for people to look up to and follow and get advice. And so I just wanted to show what a real BDSM relationship could look like. And even though there is some things out there for, you know, kinky people, you know, a lot of it is 101 trainings and workshops, you know, things like how to create a safe word, how to establish your hard and soft limits, how to get started with certain bondage techniques or rope bondage or how to do wax play. So it's a lot of these like beginner concepts, which is fine for casual playing or when you're just starting out, but it can kind of start to feel like you're this robot or you're this actor. You know, you you learn how to do a scene and then you just kind of imitate it and do that scene and do it over and over and over again. You know, there's no, you know, intermediate skills or advanced skills where you're you're learning to create something for your own relationship because every relationship is unique. And so it can be really hard to kind of take things to that next level. And all those skills are great. You need those skills to be safe, but building a DOM sub relationship kind of just goes beyond those physical tools and surface level skills, and you really need to start exploring the emotional and psychological aspects and start really, you know, dealing with things like communication, trust, mutual respect. And then on top of that, there's always mindset gremlins that no one, you know, prepares you for. You know, if you're taking a class on, you know, a certain 101, you know, bondage skill, it's it's not gonna like address all those mindset issues, all those deep-seated traumas, all the relationship traumas and you know, religious traumas, all those things, like it's not going to address that. So you're never going to be able to truly progress. And plus, you know, even if you learn these skills, there can be a lot that can go wrong during a scene. Um, you know, of course, you know, scary, dangerous things that can go wrong, but even just like little things that can go wrong that like no one really prepares you for. You know, for example, when me and my dom would first start out, you know, if he was doing like a restraint system or like, you know, rope bondage, like no one like really tells you like what to do during a scene if all of a sudden like those ropes come undone. It's like, do you just keep acting like you're still restrained? Or like what do you do? Like when the embarrassing stuff kind of happens, or you know, something doesn't go as planned, like what what do you do in those those instances? Do you just keep going? Do you say something? And if so, like how do you say it? So it's all these little nuances that like no one really prepares you for. No one prepares you for like the reality. It's just like, you know, a surface level, this is what a scene is, this is how you do bondage, but there's a lot of real life stuff that that can happen and a lot of embarrassing stuff too. And then of course, there's what happens if you you get triggered. And so um, this is something that I dealt with too. As our scenes got more and more intense, they started, you know, really triggering me. And then we started, you know, getting kind of onto the borderline of consensual non-consent play, even though we didn't realize that we were venturing into CNC. So it's like, well, what do you do then? It's like these things that no one prepares you for. So having that emotional foundation is so important. So that way, when things don't go as planned, when things are embarrassing, when things are traumatic, that you have that foundation to rely on because having physical skills is important, but you need like a way deeper connection to really stand the test of time. And there's just this huge difference in how the BDSM lifestyle is portrayed versus reality, and not just in movies like in Fifty Shades of Grey, but you know, even at dungeons and events. It's like, you know, for one, there's never any awkward moments. Everything is going exactly as planned. It looks like everyone's having this amazing, life-shattering, fulfilling experience. Um, you know, I remember the first time I saw a live scene at a um BDSM dungeon. It just looked like so perfect. Everything was so smooth. And yes, they did practice beforehand, but you know, it built up so perfectly, you know, the the Dom would do something, the the submissive would immediately respond. And, you know, again, that's not always real life. The the Dom may do something and the submissive may not respond, you know. But so I was in this dungeon watching this scene, and it just, you know, progressed so perfectly, you know, and then, you know, of course, in the end, you know, the the submissive orgasms on cue, and it's, you know, whether that's real or not, but it it just can make someone who's new and starting out feel like, well, that's how it has to go every time. You have this perfect scene where the Dom leads, the submissive responds perfectly, and then it's just in this huge crescendo, and it's like a performance. And, you know, that's what I witnessed in this dungeon was an actual performance. But so someone can come away from that thinking, well, the scenes that I do with my partner in the comfort of my own home, they need to be a performance too, in this huge, you know, production. And that's not really realistic or or fair to yourself or your partner either. And when you start talking to others in the lifestyle, you may feel like, well, gee, it sounds like everybody likes bondage, everybody likes pain, everybody likes giving pain or receiving pain. Um, you know, everybody just seems like this is how it goes. And you may hear things like, well, you're not a real sub unless you, you know, do this, or, you know, people may say, like, you're not a real Dom unless you can, you know, make your sub orgasm on command or things like that. So you you may have been told things even by people in the BDSM community that just kind of makes you feel almost like less than, or that you're not really a Dom or sub. Another thing I hear a lot from you know, my students is, you know, how do I get into subspace? Um, be because they they see scenes or or they hear people talk about how, you know, they're always, you know, they get into subspace, you know, every time they do a scene, or or their DOM knows how to get them to subspace. Or, you know, I have DOMs ask me, like, you know, how do I get my sub to subspace? It seems like, you know, between like orgasms and subspace and and crying, that's another one I hear. You know, how do I, how do I get my sub to cry? Or, you know, how if you're a sub, like I want to get to the point where I'm crying, it's like, it seems like these are these goals that are are put on ourselves to perform. Um, you know, whether we hear about it or we see it from others. But, you know, even if you have this amazing scene, no one really talks about the work that you did like outside the bedroom with your partner, you know, all the conversations that you had, all the negotiation you did, all the trial and error that you did to get there. You know, it just looks like this beautiful, intense scene that just seemed to happen because, you know, these two people just know each other so well and they can read each other's minds. But in reality, you know, the lifestyle isn't just about sex. It's not even really about power play. It's about the connection, it's about exploring, it's about personal growth, you know, for you and your partner and the relationship. Um, but it seems like there's always just this focus on the scene and how to create a scene, how to make the scene amazing, how, you know, to have your next scene even better. And, you know, I know I even talk about those things too, because it is important. But again, we need to make sure we're being realistic about it, and also talking about the foundation that you need, like outside the bedroom, that helps create that scene. So these would be things like aftercare, negotiation, consent. And a lot of times these things are overlooked, or even if they're talked about, they're not talked about in like the same intensity or the same excitement that, you know, creating a scene or having a total power exchange relationship are often talked about in the lifestyle. So growing as a Dom or sub really depends on you overcoming a lot of challenges. And especially if you're a new Dom or you're a new sub, you're going to have to overcome a lot of challenges, unfortunately. And it's going to take a lot of work and it's going to look different for each individual. But when it comes to challenges, a lot of times we only hear about, you know, the sexy things like how to find a partner, how to create a scene, punishments, protocols, you know, again, all the all the sexy stuff, all the surface level stuff too. But no one talks about, okay, well, how do you improve as a dom or sub if you're feeling overwhelmed? How do you improve if you have emotional issues? Or um, you know, if you have a busy schedule, if you have kids, if you have ADHD, my Dom, he deals with ADHD. And so that has been something that we've had to overcome and figure out. But, you know, these are all the non-sexy things that it seems like no one wants to talk about. Another thing that I've had to overcome is just dealing with envy and even jealousy. Um, you know, seeing other people and how they play, you know, really made me feel insecure at a lot of times. And just, you know, especially on social media, seeing even other educators and, you know, all the amazing, crazy things that they're doing, you know, made me feel a little less than two. And so one of the things I've had to do to overcome that is just limit my time on social media. And that's something that my my Dom helps enforce. You know, we have time limits on my phone. So that's like one of our rules. And if I go over, you know, there's punishments involved with that. So um, that's something that, you know, I'm still always having to work on. Another thing I've had to struggle with, and you may struggle with too, is just dealing with society's taboos around the lifestyle. Um, you know, worrying that your children are going to find out, that your relatives, family members are going to find out. Um, even dealing with things like, you know, when I wear my collar, you know, worrying about if someone asks in public, you know, what is that? Is that some type of, you know, religious necklace or, you know, that's just like an odd necklace to wear? Like, you know, I'm, you know, worrying that, oh, does do people know that this means, you know, I'm into BDSM and things like that. So it's just again, like all these little things like we worry about and, you know, inhibit us from really growing in the lifestyle that we don't really talk about because we're focused on all the sexy stuff, like, you know, finding a partner and having scenes. And so we just need a more rounded and balanced approach. So if you are struggling with any of those things or any of the things I'm haven't even mentioned, because like I said, you know, we're we're all different, and and you probably have struggles that, you know, I I don't know about and you know, only you know about. But, you know, if you're dealing with something, know that you're not alone and your struggles are valid. But the way we overcome these things is all the same way, you know, just education, relying on community, having open dialogue, but just focusing on transforming your relationship by discovering new skills and not just new kinky skills, but more the mindset skills too, and just, you know, communicating with your partner and just making sure that your needs and wants are a priority and that you're working together with your partner too and helping them fulfill their needs and wants as well. So let's say you want to take your DOM sub relationship out of the bedroom and into your daily life. Well, that's gonna take a ton of work because we have jobs, we have health issues, we have, you know, children and we have pets and we have to deal with our family members. So it is gonna take a ton of work. And again, unfortunately, not a lot of people are talking about these things. I remember when I first started out, there was like an online group, um, I think on Facebook or something, and they had this rule like absolutely no mentioning any minors or even like the existence of minors in this group, because it was a BDSM group. And we totally get not having minors in kink that you know, BDSM is supposed to be practiced by consenting adults, but this group like took it to the next level. Like you couldn't ask any questions about, you know, say you had kids and asking other people like, hey, how do you make sure that like your kids don't hear you when you're having a scene? Like they would delete it and block it because you mentioned kids in a BDSM group. They even did things like you couldn't even talk about when you were a kid. So, like if you said, like, hey, I dealt with these, you know, sexual traumas as a kid and I'm having a hard time navigating that as adult, like they would delete the comment because you mentioned kids in the comment. So, you know, it can be hard when, you know, there's groups out there with their their own rules and their own gatekeeping about what you can and cannot talk about. And, you know, of course, that's like an extreme case where again they, you know, just act like even the existence of kids, you know, wasn't even a thing. But, you know, it can be hard to find a place where you feel welcome. And so that's why in this podcast, I've shared like a ton of practical steps to incorporate the dynamic into your everyday life and just how to make it a fulfilling part of your relationship, you know, how to deal with BDSM relationships when you have health problems, when you're in long distance relationships, when, you know, a partner has to work out of town. I've talked about that. Um, you know, dealing with kids. And so that's why, you know, the aim of this whole podcast and Dom Sub Living as a whole is just to really show real BDSM relationships in a practical way. And if you want even more resources for how to make your Dom sub relationship or even just how to be a Dom or how to be a sub in a more practical way and in your everyday life, definitely check out our virtual summit coming up at DomSubdynamics.com because there's going to be a ton of resources all about that. So you're not gonna want to miss it. But I know you know that there is just a ton of creepy and scary sites on the internet and people on the internet. Um, you know, I hear so many horror stories of people saying, you know, I posted that I was a new submissive, and all of a sudden now I have five DOMs in my DM saying, you know, well, I can train you and I can mentor you. Um, I always think that's cute. You know, I can mentor you by, you know, making you do all these sexual things for me. But yeah, so always be careful. There's so much like Creepiness out there. And it can be really hard to navigate and know like where to turn to for real practical guidance. And it's definitely not just me who's teaching these things. You know, it's not just Dom Subliving. You know, I don't have a monopoly on this information, I always say. So that's why, you know, even with the virtual summit, I've teamed up with 20 other educators in the BDSM space. Um, and they are just amazing and they are sharing quality information that will really help you on your journey. Because a Dom sub-relationship, it should be, it should be fun. I mean, it should be fun. It should be kinky. It should be sexy. It should be all those things, but it's it's about more than just the kink and the sex. Um, it's about building a lasting and evolving dynamic that enriches both of you, both you and your partner. And a real and fulfilling dom sub relationship and, you know, BDSM lifestyle should be full of the good, bad, and ugly. Um, you know, all those weird nuances should be happening. You know, if you had a perfect relationship or you were a perfect Dom or sub or had all these amazing scenes, I would worry for you a little bit. Like I would feel like it's almost like superficial and there's no real foundation. Like you should be making mistakes. You you shouldn't be having awkward moments, you shouldn't be struggling. Um, it's just how we overcome them, overcome these struggles that that really matters and really shows, you know, how strong we really are as a Dom or sub. And I know there's a lot of misconceptions about BDSM, but I just really wanted to share today the lesser known aspects of Dom sub relationships. So I really encourage you to approach your Dom Sub relationship with an open heart, with an open mind, and just be ready to explore and learn and grow on your beautiful journey. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Sub Living community. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the description and show notes. And be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.