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Again, there is like no rule book out there. There's no BDSM police who is going to knock on your door and say, nope, you can't call yourself a Dom. You can't call yourself a sub. And that what you just did was definitely not a scene because it didn't have X, Y, and Z. Welcome to the Dom Simple Living Podcast, where you'll learn how to break free from the vanilla red, unlock your true potential as a dominant or submissive, and finally make BDSM a lifestyle. I'm your kinky guy, Alessandra. Today is April Fool's Day, and honestly, I I have some weird feelings about April 1st. So this is gonna sound um kind of odd and personal, but so my dad's birthday is on April 1st, or was on April 1st. Um if you don't know, my dad actually passed away when I was 13. And I, you know, obviously had a lot of trauma around that. I still have a lot of trauma around that. Um I, you know, some of my daddy issues probably came from that. But so um, yeah, my dad's birthday was on April 1st, and so, you know, those 13 years um of being in his life, every April 1st was always um a production because we would always play some kind of joke on him. Um, we did things like one year we made a huge banner that said, um, honk, it's my birthday, put it on the back of his car and he went to work and didn't know why people were honking at him all day on the freeway. Um, you know, of course, we always did the things like wrapping him presents with um the you know snakes in a can that would, you know, jump out when he opened them. One year my mom literally made him a sponge cake that was a you know foam, you know, piece of cylinder thing, and she frosted it, um, you know, decorated it with all the the frosting piping, and you know, we gave it to him, had him try to cut it, and of course he's trying to, you know, cut into foam. Um, so yeah, every year was just um a big elaboration and and planning, how are we gonna get our our dad this year? Um, so I'm kind of April Fool's out because we had did it for so long. So um after that, you know, now when April first rolls around, I just think about my dad and um and you know missing him. And so not so much the the April Fool's stuff, but you know, just remembering the good memories we had, but not focusing on creating new April Fool's jokes because it was a lot of work, but um, even though it was a lot of fun. So that was just a personal antidote for today. But I still thought we'd do something kind of fun on the podcast today. I'm not I'm not gonna pull a joke on you or try to fool you. I know you're smarter than that, anyways. So um, but yeah, I don't want you to look like a fool as a Dalmer sub. And so we are going to be talking about some interesting things today. Because I got some bad BDSM advice when I first started my journey, and some of it was blatantly wrong, and I knew that, but unfortunately, some of it I did believe. And I don't want you to get fooled by any of this advice, so today I'm going to share the top offenders I still hear in the BDSM community and what advice you should follow instead. But before we begin, I want to tell you about the Dom Sub Dynamics Summit I'm hosting. You can grab your ticket at Domsubdynamics.com. I'll have a link in the description, but it's a virtual event featuring 20 different speakers in the kink and BDSM community, and I'm so excited for this. And you can grab your ticket at Domsubdynamics.com. So the first piece of advice that will make you look like a fool is that the submissive holds all the power. And I still hear that statement even by BDSM educators today. So it's still making its rounds. And every time I think that we as a BDSM community are past this, we've we've learned the truth and we've grown, I still hear it, or it comes up in my Instagram feed and I see it, and I just kind of have to roll my eyes at it. And I know people that say that, you know, it's the submissive that holds all the power, the people that say this, I know that they have good intentions and that they're they're meaning something good. They're meaning that the submissive, you know, even though the DOM is the top and you know, the Dom, you know, can make rules and set punishments and all those things, that the submissive still has the power to, you know, stop a scene, to use their their safe words, or to just even end the BDSM relationship. But the truth is that DOMs have that same power too, that DOMs can use safe words, that DOMs can revoke their dominance if they feel like it's you know not being appreciated and respected. And DOMs should and can have boundaries too. So the more accurate advice that you and your partner should follow is that there should be equal power in a Dom sub relationship, equal power between the Dom and the sub, and have that equal responsibility too. And that way it is more of a fair dynamic and a fair relationship, and you're both getting your needs and wants met. Um, there's no imbalance of power in so a lot of times then people say, Well, what about power exchange? Isn't that like the whole point of BDSM? Is that there's this power exchange? And so not everyone agrees with the term power exchange because it does sound kind of problematic in that way, but a submissive can allow their DOM to have power over them. Um, but the dominant is giving something in return. You know, the dominant is providing stability and control and a feeling of being needed and wanted. Um, so there is again that that balance of responsibility. Um, but you and your partner should have equal power in a relationship. You have power, your partner should have power, and you should both feel free to express that power too. So that is just one piece of advice that I think you know really needs to go that makes people look like a fool every time I hear it. Another piece of bad BDSM advice that will make you look like a fool is that true submission means having no limits. So hopefully you've been following me long enough and you know that that is just bull. Like we are not believing that. I don't know where this advice comes from. Um, well, actually, I think I do know where this advice came from. I think it comes from fake DOMs who are trying to get a submissive that will do anything and everything that they want them to do, not ask questions and to just always, you know, feel like they have to do whatever the DOM says, or else they're going to disappoint their DOM and they're not even going to be a true submissive unless they do these things. Like there's no negotiation, there's no safe words, um, it's just doing whatever your DOM wants. And if you don't do that, then you must not be a true submissive. And before you say, like, oh, no one really says that, like, yes, people are still saying that. Um, and I'll give you an example. I heard of a a submissive who, you know, said one of her limits was anal sex. And um, you know, I saw online another Dom say, you know, well, if you're not having anal sex, like when your Dom wants it, you're not really a sub. And like, please tell me you're not believing these things. You know, if you've been following me, please tell me I've done a good enough job to make you know that that is just baloney and we should not be believing those things. Because whether it's anal sex or a type of bondage or a type of dynamic, even everyone has limits. We're we are not we're not robots. Um limits are fine and healthy and normal. And it would worry me more if you had zero limits because it's kind of a red flag when a sub says, like, oh, I have no limits. Like that makes me think like they haven't sat down and really given this lifestyle some thought. They haven't really thought about what submission means to them. They just will do anything and everything, you know, even if it's illegal, they'll they'll do it. Even if it hurts someone else, they'll do it, which is just crazy nonsense. So some people will say, like, well, what about TPE, or you know, total power exchange? You know, because a lot of total power exchange relationships, like, they don't really, well, I will say it seems like they don't really have limits. And that's because they've built up that foundation. So me and my Dom, we're total power exchange. And again, you know, on the surface, it kind of just looks like I don't have any limits, but that is because I am with a partner where I've trusted them. We've already had, you know, uh, you know, bedroom-only dynamic. We've, you know, done some kink outside the bedroom, and you know, we it took years for us to get to TPE. Um, I had someone, you know, say to me once in response to my article about total power exchange, that they can never be in a total power exchange relationship because they had a latex allergy. Um, and so they always needed to have that limit, you know, no matter the partner that they were with. That was, you know, a legit thing. They couldn't do anything with latex. And I totally understand that. But they were kind of missing the point. Like, why would you choose a partner to be in a TPE dynamic with who's not gonna respect your your latex allergy, or you know, even if it's not a latex allergy, you know, uh a trauma or things like that. Like, why would you even get in a TPE relationship where that would be a you know, a fear that you had? If you can't trust your partner enough to, you know, to respect those things, then you know, you shouldn't be in a TPE relationship. And so, you know, I do have, you know, things I that make me uncomfortable, things I don't want to do, past traumas that I have. And I know that my Dom could ask me to do those things, um, that he, you know, because we're in TPE, you know, he has total control over me. But I trust him enough that I know he's never gonna ask those things. And again, that that trust was something that that took us years. Um, so I don't, you know, recommend lightly to get into a 24-7 TPE relationship. But um yeah, a a true dynamic means that you are in a safe environment, in a safe relationship to explore and establish your limits, and that those limits will be respected. So don't let anyone ever tell you that a some uh you know a true submissive has no limits. So another piece of foolish BDSM advice that I still hear is that BDSM should only be practiced by those that are experienced. And that is just weird and doesn't logically even make sense to me. So I usually hear this from people who have been in the lifestyle for like decades, like they are old school, they are, you know, veterans in the lifestyle, and and that's who I usually hear it from. And I will try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I think what they're trying to say is that you should be, you know, educated in the lifestyle, you should practice, you should be safe, you know, before you start really, you know, going full-blown head-on into some of these BDSM practices. And I get that, I I understand that. But saying that you can't practice BDSM unless you're experienced, it's it's a form of gatekeeping. And so if you don't know what gatekeeping is, it's basically saying, like, you know, I was able to get in, I, you know, got to this place, but now I'm gonna close the door, I'm gonna close the gate, and I'm gonna stand there and not let anyone else in. And I have my, you know, rules and stipulations about, you know, who can cross the threshold and come in and basically just make up what I want, you know, it's like almost like this club that you got in and now you're making the rules about who can and cannot get into this club. And when people say this, it's really ridiculous because they need to remember that they were inexperienced at one time, that one time they knew nothing about BDSM and they'd practice zero BDSM, and they were not a DOM, they were not a sub, they were not a Switch. And so if BDSM was only practiced by those that are experienced, then no one would practice BDSM. It's almost like this chicken or the egg thing. Or I kind of think of it like this sounds silly, but like in terms of vampires, like, you know, a vampire can only become a vampire if they get, you know, bitten by another vampire. But it's like, well, then who made that person a vampire? Like, you know, there always has to be another vampire. And so I think that that's kind of how people try to see like BDSM is like, no, it's this secret club that you can only get in by by someone else who is experienced too. And and but it's like in the case of like vampires, like someone had to start this, you know, someone had to not be a vampire and then become a vampire. So it's just maybe that's a weird analogy, but it it's just it's silly to think that only experienced people can practice BDSM, like the math isn't mathing on that one. So don't follow that foolish advice. And so my better advice would be that BDSM should only be practiced by adults who are consenting. And when you think of those two things, okay, so you have to be an adult and you have to be consenting, that's really it. Like anything else, like I hear like, well, it should be practiced ethically. And it again, you know, a lot of those are just gatekeeping terms because what's ethical to one person may not be ethical to another. So yes, you need to educate yourself, yes, you need to be safe, but really at the end of the day, like BDSM is supposed to be fun and enjoyable. It's it's something that I think all consenting adults should do if they want. And so just focus on that. Focus on, you know, making sure that everyone you're practicing with is, you know, consenting as an adult, and then just keep learning and having fun. And that's really all that matters. So the other piece of BDSM foolish advice that I still hear is that you need to experience both roles to understand dom sub dynamics or to become better in your role. So, like if you want to be a better Dom, you need to like try out the sub role. And again, I I understand the intention with this because you should understand the other role. Like, you should have knowledge and understand and have empathy. You know, if you're sub, if you're a sub, you should understand what it's like to be a Dom. If you're a Dom, you should understand what it's like to be a sub. You know, that's how we learn and grow and have empathy and see things from other perspectives. So those are all good things. And some people do try to, you know, experience both roles, even, you know, just temporarily because they want to explore. And I'm not bashing that in any way. You know, if you are a Dom and you're like, I wonder what it's like to be a submissive, or I'd just like to try it to like, you know, widen my knowledge, then like go for it. Like, I'm I'm not gonna stop you. And I'm not fully buying the belief that to be better in your role, you have to experience the other role. I mean, that would be like saying if you want to be a better husband, you need to try out being a wife first, or vice versa. Like that that doesn't like make sense. Like, yes, again, you should communicate with the other side, learn about the other side, have empathy for the other side, but you don't need to completely take on the role of that other side. But the reason why you have to be really careful in telling someone that they should explore both roles is because you don't know why they're even practicing BDSM in the first place. Um, people practice BDSM for lots of different reasons. And um, you know, one of those could be even trauma-related, um, you know, exploring, you know, different aspects of bondage and discipline and different scenes because of different traumas or anxieties that they faced in life. And so if you're telling them, well, to be better in your role, you need to switch. Like, you don't know like the past history of that person. That can be very traumatic to have to switch roles like that. And you don't want them to have to feel like they need to do something that's gonna create anxiety and panic in them and maybe even make things worse for them by switching. So, for example, you know, maybe uh, you know, and I'm not saying that like everyone who's practices BDSM has experienced trauma, but again, this is just why you need to be careful if you're you know giving people advice that like, hey, switch roles because it worked for me and and now I'm better in my role. But like, you know, examples like you know, abuse, you know, what if, you know, um, you know, I'm just speaking in in generals here, but like, you know, what if a man witnessed their mother being abused as a child and now them becoming a DOM and consensually, you know, being physical with their partner, doing impact play and stuff like that? What if that's a way for them to take back their power in a healthy environment? And then you tell that person, well, you should switch and be a submissive be and be on the receiving end of impact play, you know, that could be, you know, traumatic for them. Bring back memories of, you know, maybe they were abused too. So it's it's just it's so everyone's journey is so personal and it's like we we don't know what anyone's going through. Or or if they're dealing with things like depression, and maybe being uh a submissive is helping to give them purpose and helping them to deal with their depression, and then you know, we're telling them, well, to improve as a sub, you need to switch roles and try out the DOM role. So if they were using BDSM and their submissive role as a tool. To help navigate that depression. And then you basically just take away that tool, like that can be very detrimental. So we never want to be like, well, it worked for me. So you know, you should do it. It, you know, I'm sure it'll work for you too. So we just want to make sure that you know how we give advice is always taking, you know, everything into consideration, and you know, just having those disclaimers in there too. So my advice is yes, learn about the other side of the slash, but there's lots of ways you can do this, you know, books, blogs, trainings, talking to people who are in that role. But, you know, if you do want to switch, you know, I'm not gonna hold you back. Go ahead and do it. But don't feel like you will never be a perfect dom or sub unless you experience that other side of the role. So the other piece of BDSM advice that will make you look like a fool is that in order to have a scene, you need to have sex, or you need to have pain, or you need to have bondage, or you need to do X, Y, and Z. So what BDSM stands for, yes, is bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sado, masochism. But there is no rule book that says you need to have all those things in order to have a successful scene. A lot of times I get asked, like, well, what is a scene? Like what makes something a scene? You know, what makes a scene a scene, basically? And a scene really is just having, you know, some type of like power exchange, you know, even just having a top and a bottom. But I've had BDSM scenes like at dungeons before in front of other people where there was no sex involved. Um, I've had scenes at, you know, home with my Dom where there was like no pain involved. So you don't have to have these things to have a real scene. Um, again, there is like no rule book out there. There's no BDSM police who is going to knock on your door and say, nope, you can't call yourself a DOM, you can't call yourself a sub, and that what you just did was definitely not a scene because it didn't have X, Y, and Z. Like the main thing is that you when you have a scene, is that you are intentional. Um that you are exploring those roles of top and bottom and just being mindful and enjoying yourself, and that it is consensual. So that's my advice when it comes to having a scene and what makes a scene a scene. So I really don't want you to look like a fool and follow all of this bad advice that we just mentioned. And if you ever do come across advice that doesn't sit right for you, even if you hear other educators saying it, if it doesn't sit right with you, trust your gut. Like you know you and your partner and and what you need and want, you know that the best, better than anyone, better than me. So really just trust your gut because everybody is different, every dynamic is different, and you know, a piece of advice that will help one person shouldn't always be, you know, a blanket statement that you know every dynamic and every person in the BDSM community can follow. And again, you know, some of the stuff I mentioned is just plain wrong, no matter the dynamic. But I'm curious if you've ever come across any fools in the BDSM community or what was the worst piece of advice you've ever been given. So let me know, share it in the comments so you can help everyone else too, so they can avoid looking like a fool as well. But I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you for joining me today and being a part of the Dom Sub Living community. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the description and show notes. And be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.