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I remember being on our journey, and when we started like making the steps and the progress to finally start meeting people in the kink community, that's when like our relationship really took things to the next level with us. Welcome to the Dom Subliving podcast, where you'll learn how to break free from the vanilla red, unlock your true potential as a dominant or submissive, and finally make BDSM a lifestyle. I'm your kinky guide, Alessandra. So when you first start exploring kink and BDSM, you may be so excited to start exploring this strange new world, but you may not know like who to share it with or where to go to. And if that's the case, you're not alone. So today we're going to be diving deep into kink communities and how you can connect, learn, and grow with others and just share your curiosities and all of your passions too. And we're going to be talking about not only in-person and real life ways to connect with the kink community, but also online ways too. So if you're ready to unlock a new level of connection and exploration, then this episode is definitely for you. But before we begin, I want to tell you about the Dom Sub Dynamics Summit I'm hosting. You can grab your ticket at Dom Subdynamics.com. I'll link for it in the description, but it's a virtual event featuring 20 different speakers in the Kink and BDSM space. I'm so excited for this, and you can grab your ticket at Domsubdynamics.com. So connecting with the Kink community is extremely important no matter where you are on your journey, even if you're just starting out or if you've been a veteran in the lifestyle forever. You've probably heard me say a dozen times that it takes a village to raise a kinkster. And I still truly believe that when you are on this journey, you're not you're not taking it in a in a vacuum, that you need the perspectives and the support and the feedback from others in the community. And there is so much you can learn from other people who are on this journey, and and not just from people who are, you know, masters in this lifestyle, but even newbies too. I mean, they have this energy that is so contagious and they are learning things at such a rapid pace, and it is just so refreshing to learn from them. Um, and I remember too, in when me and my Dom first started out, and it was just the two of us, we thought we didn't need anyone else, that we, you know, were a couple and that we wanted to make our dynamic fit us. And so we didn't need to learn from other perspectives that we were just going to design things our own way, and we didn't need any outside influence. And I still hear that from a lot of people that, you know, you may have a partner, you know, you may be married, and you just think we're going to do this our way, and nobody knows us better than us. And so we are just going to, you know, kind of like shut off all the influence and just have it be the two of us. And there's some downfalls for that, and we're gonna be getting into it because there's always something you can learn from others, and there's always so much benefit from others. And in in any other situation, you know, you wouldn't say that you won't you you wouldn't say, I'm I'm learning this new hobby, and and I'm not gonna learn from anybody else how to do it. Or even if you're starting a vanilla relationship, you're starting a you know, a marriage, even, you wouldn't say, Well, I'm not gonna listen to anyone else on how they have their marriage because this is my marriage and it's unique. And yes, their your marriage or your relationship or your dumpsum dynamic is unique to you. But again, we should always have an open mind and at least try to learn from others. So the first very basic way to connect with the King community, I actually already hinted at this, so is that of your partner. They are that basic unit that you can start from. And I would, you know, even though I am going to be talking about community on a bigger scale, and you know, I just gave a spiel about how you shouldn't just isolate it to you and your partner. I want you to first start with your partner because developing those skills of negotiation and communication just really help in that foundation that you will need. Because establishing limits and boundaries and establishing safe words, these are all excellent communication skills that you can learn to develop with your partner. And if you have a partner but they're not into BDSM, like don't write them off. They can still be a huge asset and still give you feedback and support. And there's different ways that you can help them be more comfortable with the lifestyle, um, or at least more empathetic with your needs and desires too. So always um, you know, come at these conversations as we, not, you know, accusations, but letting them know what's in it for them, you know, not just what you're thinking and feeling, but asking them what they're thinking and feeling. But connecting with your partner is just so vital when you're on that beginning stage of the journey and you're wanting to connect with the community. And so even when you've been in the lifestyle forever, you know, I still have to tell myself that, you know, that my Dom is just as part of the Kink community as me. And so, you know, he's a fellow member of the Kink community. So of course he's, you know, my Dom and my daddy and my sir, and I respect him in all those ways, but he's also a fellow member of the Dom sub community, and um, just putting it in perspective like that just kind of increases our bond even more, knowing that we're on the same page. But so again, your your partner is your best asset to really develop those community skills of communication. Um, so make sure that you check in, that you have those, you know, times where you can talk, where you're doing things like aftercare, and just asking them for feedback along your journey because your partner knows you best. And so, again, that's something I do with my DOM, and my DOM does it with me, is just asking each other for feedback of how we're doing in our role, ways we can improve. And so definitely don't skip over your partner when you're looking for ways to connect with the kink community because they are that basic unit of the kink community for you. So, outside of your little dom sub dynamic, and outside your partner, so the the next step would be um local munches. And so, if you don't know what a munch is, these are just casual social gatherings for people who are interested in BDSM. And so these casual meetups will usually happen at just different vanilla places, and so things like coffee shops, restaurants, pizza parlors, I've seen them at amusement parks, hiking places, different times of day, and they are just a casual way to meet up. And usually everyone is in just playing vanilla clothes, like if you were an outsider and seeing this group of people at a restaurant or at a coffee shop, like you wouldn't know they're into BDSM. They just look like everyone else. But it's just a casual way to get in a small group. Usually things like this, depending on the munch, you know, could be maybe somewhere between five to 15 people. So, you know, they're really more small, they're really more intimate, so it can really help you to connect with your kink community. So I always get asked, how do you find munches in your area? Because I I guarantee you there's probably some munch in your area, and you you just don't know. It's it's usually not going to be um publicized on, you know, something like the next door app, but or you know, in your local Facebook mom's group, but I assure you they are there. Um, you can even check out the Dom Sub training course where it has directories that you can um search for local munches in your area. But just really what to expect about what goes on there. There's there's usually a like someone leading it or facilitating it, directing it. And it is just really casual. Sometimes you may not even talk about BDSM. Like if you're going somewhere and you're hiking in this group, um, you know, you may have some questions like, oh, like, are you a DOM? Or, you know, how long have you been in the lifestyle? But a lot of times it's just a way to connect with other kinksters in a vanilla setting and not have to worry if you slip or if they see your collar, like what are they gonna think? Um, it's just having like a mutual interest. Then there's other munches where like maybe one of them will teach a class or something, you know, really informally about how to do something. And so again, it's just this vanilla setting where you can meet other people, and it's also a great place to find mentors and to find partners too, because again, these people are local. You can, you know, converse with them in real life, see their mannerisms, their facial expressions, so you can see if they pass the vibe check. But um I really I I really like connecting with my local community too at munches because it's just it's so intimate and and personal at that smaller group level and then these other big things that we're gonna be talking about. So um if you haven't gone to a munch, like I highly encourage you. And it may be intimidating at first going to these places because it's just like going to any new place and any new group of people. If you had any other hobby and and they had a meetup and you went, you know, it would probably be awkward in the beginning, and you know, you may be embarrassed, but you know, give it five minutes and you're gonna be fine, I I promise. And so, you know, they've all been where you are too, and so they know that it's it can be awkward in be in the beginning too. But every munch I've gone to, people have just been incredibly friendly. So I definitely, definitely want you to go to a munch if you haven't yet. Or if you know, maybe because of the pandemic you kind of slacked off a little bit about connecting with your local munches, then you know, I encourage you to get back at it too. Um, you know, we need these foundations, so there's lots of other ways, but definitely the munch is where it's at. So the next way to connect with your local kink community is through dungeons or BDSM clubs. So what these are are literal buildings like places of business that are for the purpose of either, you know, education, play, or even both. A lot of them will have maybe classes during the week, and then on the weekends they'll have, you know, open play sessions. And if you have a hard time finding dungeons and clubs in your area, if you're a Dom sub training student, definitely check out the resource section. But I would say in general, like go to if you're in America, they are probably going to be in like your state's main metropolitan area, like your state's capital city, um, just different big cities is where they tend to congregate, just because laws may be more open for zoning and things like that. And just they know they're gonna get um more traffic and more people in those bigger cities, too. So um, you know, here in LA, obviously, there's lots. Um, when we were in San Francisco too, there was lots and in San Diego, so you know, California is so big, so we have a few kind of like hot places to go to. But so um a lot of them too, you can go online and they will have pictures of what it looks like inside. And so, you know, if you're nervous and you don't know what it's gonna be like, go on their website, even email the people and let them know, like, hey, I'm a little nervous. This might be my, you know, my first time coming. So the more you can learn and educate yourself beforehand, the better. A lot of them will have code of conduct and dress codes too. So that is probably the biggest question I always get is like, what do you wear to a dungeon? What do you wear to a BDSM club? And like I said, a lot of them will have their own dress code, so check that. But usually something just nice, like I don't know how to like put it any other way, like um something like you would go to like like a club at, you know, like a vanilla club, like a vanilla dance club, like something you would wear maybe there. Um definitely, you know, your grooming should be good, obviously. But just you know, being clean. I always say you can never go wrong wrong with black. Obviously, like I love black, I I wear it all the time. My Dom, too, he's like always in black. But just, you know, trying to dress your best and trying to dress to impress. Um, and but also wearing clothes that are comfortable enough to play in, because you probably will be playing. And so if this is your first time going to a club, you're always totally okay just to watch. And even if you know you've been going many times and you just want to watch, that's always totally fine. But the main thing is just to um obey the rules that that place has in um has set for all the attendees. So some of these rules that will be the same for every dungeon is consent. So do not touch people without their permission. Do not assume that everyone there is just to play with whoever that no, it's you have to ask for consent. Um, and a lot of times they have very strict rules and they will just kick you out because you know it's against the law basically to, you know, touch someone without their consent, especially in a sexual way like that. Um, so make friends though, you know, just like you would at any vanilla club. Talk to people, ask them, you know, where they're at, you know, where they live, you know, how far they live, how long they've been in the lifestyle, things like that. But there will be playing usually. So you'll see things like St. Andrew's Crosses, spanking benches, cages. Um, sometimes they will have gear that you can use. Um a lot of times people just bring their own. And then it's kind of like a gym where you know, when you're on gym equipment, the etiquette is to when you are done using that equipment that you use the sanitizing sanitizing wipes and you wipe everything down. Um, so it's the same way at a dungeon when you're done using a piece of furniture or a different implement, there are usually um wipes that you can use to wipe everything down. And so um just keeping everything clean and safe, um, and just getting to know different people and and having fun because again, the point is to connect with the kink community. And a lot of people who own these dungeons and clubs, they are some of the most amazing people that you will meet. Um, their stories are just incredible. So definitely connect with them if they have classes, go to their classes too. Um, and just meet as many people as you can. Um, I I again with all these things, it's gonna be weird and awkward the first time you go, but I guarantee you after that, you'll be hooked, you'll want to keep going. And so connecting with your kink community is just you you have to do it. And then if you want to connect with your kink community even more, there's even bigger events too. So these are things like conventions and um just different events, like here in California, you know, the biggest BDSM event of like the world is the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco, and so that is just a big multi-day event where they close down the streets and it's just a ton of people outside playing. There's seminars, there's sponsors. So, you know, in California we're so blessed because we we have these things, but there's also there's other ones in different states. So there's um Kinkfest. Um, usually each state will have kind of their own big convention that they have. Um, again, if you're a DOM sub training member, check out the resources. We have directories there. But these are just great ways to meet people in the the bigger community. And so sometimes you'll meet, you know, some of the big, big names and you know, people who have been in the lifestyle for a very long time. But if you keep going to these things, you know, every year, you'll sometimes, you know, meet people and you can connect and and see them again. And, you know, hey, how are you doing? How have you been this past year? And it's just again a way to create like family. Um something like we don't have in the BDSM community because you know, there's so much taboo, there's so many government laws um trying to shut us down. Um, something even happened recently where, you know, an LGBTQ plus group had their state funding removed because they were hosting BDSM events. So we need to take what we can get and hold on to it because we need each other now more than ever. And at these big, big events and these big conventions, you know, there'll be rope demonstrations and like I said, different sponsors and things like that. So it's just a great way to connect with people. So those are some of the in-person ways. So again, your partner, um, munches, dungeons and clubs, and then these bigger conventions and events. And so the next thing we're gonna talk about is the online way to meet people. Because there's lots of different reasons why you might want to go the online route. Um, maybe you don't have any way to travel, or maybe you have a disability that kind of prevents you from traveling, or you have social anxiety. Um, having that online community can be really beneficial and help in a lot of ways. And, you know, we can't go to munches every single day of the week. We, you know, we may not be able to afford going to these bigger conventions. And so just having this online communities that we can access just makes it more accessible for everyone involved. So there's so many ways you can do this. If you're following me, then you know, obviously you found me on the internet, so you can find lots of different communities and groups online too. There's social media, even, there's different forums and just different community groups. We use a community platform that you know I'm able to, you know, control and not have to rely on different algorithms or different, you know, platforms, terms of service. I've heard so many horror stories of you know, people even you know building a community on something like a Facebook group or even a Discord server and just losing it all. So it's really important for us at Dom Sub Living to kind of have. Our own community where we can can kind of like you know control it, kind of vet who's in it. We even have an app so you can just access it really easily on your phone, but it's just really a great way to connect with like-minded individuals. So, one thing I wanted to mention though, that no matter which community you choose to connect with online, and I I encourage you to connect with multiple communities, that way you can get different perspectives and and make friends in different areas. One thing I wanted to bring up is just the importance of privacy. So obviously, in the online space, no matter what you're doing, even if you're just doing vanilla things, like you need to have a sense of privacy and even more so in the BDSM world. So a lot of times you'll see things like people using pseudonyms instead of their real name. So, you know, that way no one can, you know, do any harm to you in the real world, but just being very, really careful about not sharing personal information and just you know, other red flags to look for, you know, everybody acts different online, and so just being really mindful of that, and you know, just all the privacy things that you would know in any other setting, just keep those in mind. So not sharing intimate pictures over the internet. I'm not going to shame anyone that has done that, just be careful if you do that. You know, there's been so many cases of blackmail, um, a lot of people pretending to be a DOM or a Dominatrix and then blackmailing a person, you know, when they have intimate photos. So definitely be careful. But they're um I I just I love online communities just because they're so accessible, you know, even you know, during the pandemic or there's times that, you know, I'm dealing with illness, you know, I can just take out my phone and get on the app and just connect with other like-minded kinksters. And it's just really nice knowing that there's other people like you in the world who care about this lifestyle as much as you do. And online communities are a great way to learn too. A lot of them have, you know, educational online classes and courses, and um, it's just really great to be able to have community and to have education in one spot. And so obviously, that's something we try to do at Dom Sub Living too. We have the Dom Sub Dynamics Virtual Summit that we host every year inside our community. So definitely sign up for that because it's it's such a great way to just connect with not only just regular people who are living the lifestyle, but to get education in courses and classes from other educators in the field. So definitely join the summit if you haven't already. So I just wanted to talk a minute about like what to do if you can't connect with your kink community, or you just haven't found your kink community yet. So my first piece of advice is just to not give up and to not write it off. Uh, I hear so many times people say, Well, I tried to find munches in my area and there's there's none. And so I just can't go, or the only group that is available is, you know, a hundred miles away and you know, I can't make it. Um have these be goals. And so it may not be something that you're able to do now, but make it a goal for the future and write down the steps that it would take to reach that goal. Um, because community is just so important. Like I remember being on our journey, and when we started like making the steps and the progress to finally start meeting people in the king community, that's when like our relationship really took things to the next level with us. So we were progressing pretty good, and then it was just like exponential growth for both of us. And so having that feedback, learning other perspectives, so so don't write it off, and and and don't be the ones that say, well, this is me and my dynamic, this is me and my partner, and nobody knows us like us, so we are just gonna do things our own way. Again, like don't live in a vacuum. There's we need community. There's been so many studies, scientific studies, about just the health benefits of communities, and it's the same for kinksters. I want to help raise you to be a healthy, happy kinkster. And so you really need that community. So, you know, start small, even if it's just your partner, but talking to them and then branching out into things like munches and you know, clubs and dungeons, and then bigger events, and then even online too, if that's all you can do. But so I hope these tips really helped you. And definitely share with me your experiences of connecting with the Kink community. If you have a conference that you go to every year that you think I should check out, definitely let me know. If you have fun stories about different munches, some of them have like the craziest theming that they do. Um, so I would just love to hear it. But I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Sub Living community. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the description and show notes. And be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.