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I've just seen my students just almost change overnight, how their perspective changed, they, you know, have more drive in them, they're making progress. And so, I mean, just like any skill you want to improve in life, having a coach or a mentor can just really take you to that next level. And it's the same with BDSM. Welcome to the Dom Subliving Podcast, where you'll learn how to break free from the vanilla red, unlock your true potential as a dominant or submissive, and finally make BDSM a lifestyle. I'm your kinky guide, Alessandra. I wanted to create this episode because maybe you're feeling stuck on your BDSM journey and that you're missing some kind of secret ingredient that's something's been holding you back, or you've kind of hit this BDSM plateau. But actually, getting to that next level in BDSM is probably easier than you think. Well, today I'm revealing how a mentor can transform your DS experience and how they can guide you to see gaps that you probably didn't even know exist. And it can help you to elevate your relationship to ways you never thought possible. And I'm going to be sharing personal stories of myself and others to show you how a BDSM mentor can impact your journey. But before we begin, I want to give you something to make your journey into the world of Dom Sub Dynamics even easier. It's my free resource library and it includes access to dozens of BDSM resources like videos, workbooks, worksheets, guides, and you can redeem all of that for free at domsubliving.com slash free. And just to start this conversation, one thing I get asked a lot is what's the difference between a mentor and a coach? And really, there is no difference. They're pretty much the same thing. People use those terms interchangeably. Um, I will say that in the BDSM community, people tend to use the word mentor more, it just seems more like almost ceremonial more. Um, but a a coach is basically what they are. And so if you've never heard of the concept of having a BDSM mentor, there's so many benefits that they provide. And so they can give you personalized guidance on your journey. So, you know, maybe you've been reading all the blogs, watching all the YouTube videos, listening to podcasts like these, but you need something more personalized for your unique situation. And so that's where a mentor can help. They can also give you emotional support because I mean, let's be honest, like it's being in a Dom Sum dynamic and being into BDSM can sometimes be an emotional roller coaster. They can just really accelerate your progress too. Like I mentioned in the beginning, you may have hit this BDSM plateau, and so there may be some roadblocks holding you back. And so that BDSM coach or that that mentor can really help to get you over the hump and to really start making progress a lot faster. And so I talked in the last episode about community, and community really helped me and my DOM to really get to the next level in our BDSM dynamic. But the other thing was mentors too. And so having that one-on-one help was something that really helped even me as a submissive, him as a dominant, to just really fine-tune our skills and our mindset. And I've seen it help so many of my students too. Because maybe they've been trying to do things on their own for, you know, months or even years, and kind of just making those same mistakes or just not knowing what to do. And so, you know, they've told me when you know they've started mentoring or coaching with me or my Dom that, you know, things really started to make progress. And one of the reasons is because you don't know what you don't know. And so if you've been trying to do things the same way all the time, it can hold you back a lot of times. And so all it takes a lot of times is just to share your journey with someone else and for that person to give you a fresh perspective and you know advice from someone who's been in it longer than you. You know, maybe they've seen other people, you know, make those same mistakes or be in that same situation, and so having that personalized help can really benefit you. So that brings us to well, what really is a DS mentor or a BDSM coach? And it's really not that complicated when you think about it. A BDSM mentor really when it boils down to is just someone that has more education and more experience than where you are right now in in your situation or for whatever you know aspect that you're dealing with. Um, and so those are just the two things you really want to look for is someone that you know has more education than where you're at right now and just more experience. And what their role really is, is just to help guide you, support you, um, also offer, you know, a listening ear, but accountability too, accountability is huge. Sometimes that is the missing ingredient that we need. We just need someone that we can say, hey, this is what I would like to happen in my life or in my relationship, or this is where I'm struggling with, and I need help. And these are my goals, and I just need to be able to share them with someone so they can, you know, follow up with me and ask me how I'm doing in those areas. And a lot of times, you know, we may get into that trap of, well, I'll just mentor myself, or you know, I'll just be my own coach, I'll I'll go it alone, and you know, that's that's fine up to a point, but it can only get you so far. And, you know, I've seen so many people, and myself included, just waste so much time and energy, you know, especially in the beginning, just trying to figure things out on your own when you can take that shortcut and get the help and advice from someone who's been in that same exact situation that you are, and they know the shortcut. Because there's so many ways that a BDSM coach can save you time. So, for example, if you're if you're trying to find a partner and you don't know where to even look, uh a mentor can help you because they already know which apps are legit, you know, where the clubs and events are in your area, how to approach people in this lifestyle so they can just save you a bunch of time, a bunch of embarrassment, even. Um, and just you know, finding different local BDSM groups. A lot of times, you know, they have access to things that maybe you don't have. Other issues where they can save you time is if you're wanting to go 24-7 with your partner, they may have been in your situation and know, well, this is what works, this is what doesn't work. You know, you may think, you know, well, let's try it this way, and that, you know, we'll just make you crash and burn. And so it's so much better to just take that shortcut from someone who's been in the same situation as you. And so a lot of these issues are just really common issues that can come up in a DS relationship, but you may not know where to look for advice, or maybe you're trying to Google these things and like no one's talking about it on the internet. And so having someone you can talk to and trust can just really help you in those areas. And as a you know, BDSM coach and a mentor myself, I've just had the privilege to firsthand help, you know, so many amazing individuals and couples. If you were at our Dom Sub Dynamics Virtual Summit, you probably heard from two of my students, um, Harlow and Adira. They are just amazing and the cutest couple, but it was just so awesome to hear, you know, about their journey and how, you know, having the support just really helped push them and get them to the next level and you know, help them taking things more seriously and just more consistently too. That's always an issue. A lot of times, like we know what to do, it's just being consistent, and that's where having accountability really comes in because you know, like the next week or you know, the next couple weeks, you're gonna have to, you know, report back or whatever and and say how things are going. And so it gives you those touch points and those milestones where you can follow up with them. And it's things are just so much easier when we have you know someone else on this journey with us. And there's just been so many other times that I've just really enjoyed seeing my students progress and grow and just helping them in like practical ways too. I've had students before who are trying to find a partner, and you know, again, they don't know what are the best dating apps to use. So I've been able to point them in the right direction, even you know, help them with their dating profiles. You know, they'll show me what they have so far, or you know, I'll help them write it, fine-tune it. Um, so those are just, you know, some amazing things that I get to be a part of and see them, you know, actually find partners and develop long-term relationships. So it's just an awesome privilege. Just another example of, you know, students that I've helped and mentored is I, you know, had a couple that were doing awesome and amazing and amazing, like everything was totally fine. And so they just wanted to open up their dynamic. And so they needed help, you know, learning what kind of you know, questions to ask each other, what kind of boundaries to set, and just you know, helping them navigate that, especially, you know, in the first few weeks and months as they were starting to dip their toes into that and the the issues and trials that came up along the way, it's just so awesome to the you know have a hand in helping them and just seeing the benefits and seeing how happy they get too. So, some other things a mentor can help with is dealing with resentment in your relationship because I mean, let's be real, no one is perfect in their dynamic, and resentment is bound to happen, jealousy is bound to happen. Um, even just more like basic things like how to create a scene or improve the scenes that you already have, how to get started with consensual non-consent, um, just dealing with all those different aspects. Um, like basically whatever you're struggling with or whatever you would like to start, you know, a BDSM coach can help you do that. But before we get any farther, I just want to talk about what a BDSM mentor is not. So they are not a replacement for a partner. So that is just something to be aware of that just because you have a mentor or a coach, that doesn't mean that they are just kind of filling in for your partner or that they're kind of replacing the partner that you have now. So a mentor, a good mentor, would not be engaging with you in a BDSM relationship. They definitely wouldn't be having a sexual relationship with their mentees. And this is kind of like if you had a sex therapist or a sex coach, they wouldn't then be having sex with you. That would be like against so many ethical rules and laws. And so it's the same with the BDSM community. So definitely be very wary of any. Okay, I'm just gonna say it's usually a DOM who will say, you know, oh, I will be your mentor and I will coach you. And then they proceed to give sexual tasks or even just do, you know, different BDSM protocols and things with you. Um, there should always be that clear line. And I've had to turn away people before that have wanted to be, you know, mentored or coached by me, and they start, you know, trying to push my boundaries and want to be, you know, in some kind of BDSM relationship too. So, you know, it goes both ways that the the mentee and the mentor both need really good boundaries. But so again, you know, not being in a a coaching relationship where there's this imbalance of power where they're not only your coach, they're also trying to, you know, dom you or do sexual things. And so just being wary of that, there needs to be a clear line drawn. And another thing to look out for when you're choosing a mentor or a coach is just anyone who like imposes their own way of BDSM or dominance and submission as like the only correct path. And a lot of times you'll hear me even say, like, you know, true BDSM. We need to practice true BDSM. But when I say that, I'm not saying that's my way. I'm really just saying it needs to be like real life. It's it's not what you read in Fifty Shades of Grey, it's not what you've seen in porn. We're talking about true BDSM, real BDSM. But we want to be careful of those that, you know, give their personal, like how they think BDSM should be, and say, this is the only way you need to do it, because it is so personalized, and a good mentor will adapt their advice and personalize it to you. And and so, you know, just like in Star Wars, you know, only a Sith deals in absolutes, you know, be really careful about people who, you know, have their one true way of doing things. And just one more like red flag when you're looking for a BDSM mentor, this is actually more of a like a pet peeve than a red flag, but just be very wary of anyone who may call themselves a master or a mistress, even, and is expecting you to treat them that way and use those titles. Um so just because they have those titles or they use those titles doesn't necessarily mean that they are in a position or even qualified to mentor. You know, there's a lot of you know fakes on the internet, there's a lot of scammers too. And so just be very, very careful that anyone can say they're a master or a mistress. Um, and even, you know, if they say they're certified in a certain thing, you know, as the BDSM community as a whole, we're not doctors, we don't have like a set certification or anything. And it's like you may have even seen these online, but they're usually to certify someone in a like another person's certain way of doing something. So it's like if I wanted to do a certification in Dom subliving, it's like then they would just be certified to do things, you know, in the way of what we teach at Dom Sub Living. So again, you know, master, mistress, those are just titles. You don't have to use them if you're not comfortable with them and and and don't be intimidated by people who call themselves that too. So now that we know what a BDSM mentor is not, let's go into what makes a good BDSM coach and what makes a really good BDSM relationship. So a good BDSM mentor is someone who has been in that same situation that you may be in. So if you are 24-7 and you're, you know, wanting to deal with the issues that are coming up within that, then definitely find a mentor who either is in a 24-7 dynamic or has been in a 24-7 dynamic. So just trying to find someone who kind of has that experience. And when you find a BDSM mentor that you like, you know, have a conversation. Talk about what your boundaries are as a mentee and what their boundaries are as a mentor. Um, talk about how you will communicate, you know, in this coaching journey and just, you know, what your goals are, what you hope to get out of it, and you know, whether or not that's something you they can help you with. So, some questions to ask a potential mentor is for one, like, how do you coach? Like, what does coaching actually look like? Um, because again, you know, you may meet some icky people on the internet, and their way of coaching is well, I'm gonna have you do these three tasks every day, and if you do them correctly, then I will give you a reward. And, you know, it's just like icky stuff. So, you know, ask what does coaching with you actually involve? Ask them what experience they have coaching, ask them for references. You know, it's totally okay to say, you know, how many people have you coached? Is there, you know, anyone in the community that I can ask? Um, ask them if they charge money. Some people coach for free, and that's totally fine. Some people, you know, charge money. I will say, you know, obviously, with all things, you get what you pay for, but from the coaches that my Dom and I have had, like, usually it feels more comfortable when you are paying for it because you don't feel like you're imposing on them and you just feel like it's transactional, and that just makes it so much easier. Um, and so, you know, that's just a question to ask them. So sometimes people will say, you know, shouldn't coaches and mentors, you know, especially in the BDSM community, shouldn't they be just doing this out of the goodness of their heart? And, you know, everyone has to answer that question for themselves. But, you know, I've seen from personal experience when, you know, I've, you know, paid for coaches and mentors, I'm more likely as the mentee to take it more seriously because, you know, we have skin in the game, we got money on the line. And so it just gives me that, you know, more push to really make those changes. So let's say you are ready to start being coached, that this is something you want to pursue. So, how do you go about doing that? So, one way to find potential mentors is just talking to different educators that you like online, um, different, you know, people that you see in the community, you know, maybe you know that they are on a similar journey as you. And so you can approach them and say, hey, do you do you do coaching in any way? Do you do any kind of mentoring? Um, they may not have even thought about it. And so, you know, definitely approach them if they are a person you're interested in. If you're in an online community and you're really clicking with someone in the community who's maybe giving you advice and helping you along the way, and they seem like they're at the level that you want to be at, or even just one step above. You can even reach out to them and just say, hey, you know, would you be interested in mentoring me or coaching me? And, you know, if so, what would that look like to you? Do you think? So you can reach out to online educators that you like, friends that you meet in online communities. And I just want to also really recommend that you can have as a coach or as a mentor, even like vanilla counselors and coaches and therapists, because we're living in a day and age where a lot of these professions are kink friendly and they, you know, are willing to help you. They, you know, may even say on their websites that they, you know, have experience with alternative lifestyles. They may even say that they're king friendly, and so you can definitely reach out to them. But even if they don't say those things, you know, you're paying them or you know, your insurance is paying them. And so just have that awkward conversation in the beginning, you know, rip the band-aid off. Just tell them that, you know, you are trying to live the BDSM lifestyle, what that looks like for you, and just that these are some areas that you're wanting to improve in. And I almost can 100% guarantee you that they will, you know, help. Um, and if you're a student of our Dom Sum training course, definitely check out the resources there because we do have directories of kink friendly therapists. And this is something that my Dom and I have actually utilized that has like really helped us too, is because you kind of get the the two for one because you kind of get, you know, the you know. Emotional and you know, all the you know psychological help that you get from a therapist, and but then it's also in that kink-friendly, you know, light, and it can just really help you as either a couple or as an individual. So that is always a route too that you can take. So again, when you're just approaching that mentorship relationship, you know, you want to come with questions, you want to, you know, have some kind of initial phone call or even a text message thread and just you know discuss your goals and just have a list of questions, and you know, I'm sure it'll be, you know, such a beneficial arrangement for both of you. And a lot of people will ask if me and my Dom do coaching, and the short answer is yes, we do. Um, we do offer like a whole day of virtual coaching, which is really, really nice, where you know, we can just message through voice messages and text messages just throughout the day where you get this eight-hour window. Um, the reason I don't do Zoom calls is just because one, like I'm a busy mom in person, like I know you're busy too, and and trying to shove everything into a one-hour Zoom call is just so difficult. I've tried it before, and like sure enough, people will have to book another one because they're like, oh, I forgot to talk about this, or I really wanted to, you know, mention this, or I have a follow-up question. And so it's just like messaging a friend when you have, you know, this whole day where, you know, an eight-hour window where we can just leisurely chat back and forth, leave voice messages. It's just so, so nice. And so, yes, I offer that, my dom offers that, but these, you know, coaching sessions, these coaching days that we offer, you know, are you know a thousand dollars or more, and we just know that that is not always accessible to everyone. And so that is why earlier this year we launched the All Access Pass, and that has just been amazing. And so, if you don't know, our All Access Pass is a program that gives you access to all of our courses and workbooks and workshops. You get access to everything I've ever created and anything I do create in the next you know year, but you also get one-on-one monthly coaching. And so both my Dom and I, we have drop-in coaching days once a month where you can just pop in. You know, we can chat via voice messages or text messages, whatever you're comfortable with, and it's private too, so it's not in a group setting. I've done group Zoom calls before, and that was always hard because a lot of people's questions are personal or they're partners in the program, and so they don't want to embarrass their partner, or they just want to ask privately. And so doing these kind of like drop-in coaching days, it's kind of like office hours, it's just been really, really nice. And so you get monthly access to that, you get access to our private community, and something that's really, really beneficial is you also get accountability reviews once a month. So you get to fill these out at your leisure, and it gives us a way to kind of keep tabs on you because, like I said, accountability is huge. You know, if you don't write it down, if you don't make it known, if you don't share it with someone else, which what you're working on, what hasn't worked, what you want to try, um, all those things, you know, just sharing them with someone else can be so beneficial. So we do those accountability reviews to keep everybody on track. Um, we do those once a month, and again, you know, those dropping coaching days. And so that's something we offer in the All Access Paths. If you're interested in it, definitely check it out at domsubliving.com slash all access. But again, I just know for myself when you know Jay and I were on our journey starting out that just having a mentor and having that coach was just so beneficial. And I've just seen my students like just almost like change overnight, how their perspective changed, they're they you know have more drive in them, they're making progress. And so, I mean, just like any skill you want to improve in life, having a coach or a mentor can just really take you to that next level. And it's the same with BDSM. So I really just encourage you to take that first step to find a mentor, even if it's just writing down kind of your wish list of what you'd like your mentor to be, or writing down, you know, a list of potential mentors that you have in mind. Like I said, you know, other BDSM educators that you meet online, it doesn't have to be me, um, different therapists that you know, different friends you've met in different communities. And so just whatever that small first step is, you know, take it. I really encourage you to. And if you've had a BDSM coach or a mentor in the past, I would love if you shared with me what your experience was and and how it went. Or if you have any questions too about, you know, finding a mentor or what to look for in a mentor, you know, definitely hit me up, message me, um, share it in the comments, and just let me know. And if you need help on your journey, I always got your back. So definitely check out the free resources we have at domsubliving.com slash free. Everything's downloadable. You can grab it really simply. So again, that's domsubliving.com slash free. And if you're interested in getting mentored by me and my Dom, or you're just interested in the All Access Pass, you can check that out and see everything that's included there at Domsubliv.com/slash all access. But I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Subliving community. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the description and show notes. And be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Subliving.