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And that was one of the biggest reasons I became a sub. It's just I was always feeling like I did have to be in control. And I struggled with that. But then seeing how freeing it can be to let go of that control. And it just gives you so much head space back in your life. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living Podcast, where you'll learn how to break free from the vanilla rent, unlock your true potential as a dominant or submissive, and finally make BDSM a lifestyle. I'm your kinky guide, Alessandra. So in the world of BDSM, what truly separates a good sub from a great one? Well, that's what we're going to be talking about today, and I'm going to be sharing the four pillars that really elevate a submissive. So whether you're new to the scene or you're a seasoned practitioner, these insights and tips will just really transform your approach and deepen your dynamic in incredible ways. Now before we begin, if you want to become a better submissive or you're a Dom who wants to help their sub improve, I want to first tell you about my free how to be a good sub cheat sheet. So you can download it for free at Domsubliving.com slash sub, and it includes a list of tips for how to improve in the submissive role and also what makes a good sub. So you can download that for free at DomSubliving.com slash sub. So I have to tell you a little funny story first. So right before I was going to record this one, um, my my dom Jay act actually asked me, so what's this episode about? Because a lot of times I record them in different orders or I I batch them. So a lot of times it's kind of confusing which one I'm I'm actually on. But so I told him, Oh, I'm doing one on how to be a good sub. And so he said, Oh, I'm sure you have this one completely down then. Like you're you're a pro at this. Um, just kind of a nod at how much of a brat I can be. And so I probably know that after he edits this one, I'm going to have a big long list of tasks for me and things that I can improve on. But here we are, we're gonna talk about how to be a good sub. Things I've learned along the way doesn't mean I've mastered them because if you ask my Dom, I still have a lot to work on. I could be a huge brat at times, but we're gonna dig into this. And I actually did another episode, episode 22, all about how to be a better dominant. So if you're a Dom, or even if you're a sub and you want to help your Dom or know what to look for in a good Dom, definitely check out that episode. You can find it at DomSubliving.comslash zero two two. But really, the goal of this episode is to just help subs improve in different practical ways so they can better serve their dominant and just be a better submissive and have a fulfilling role in their dynamic. So the first way to become a better sub is actually the same way a DOM can get better that I shared in that episode, and that is to have effective communication. And so I'm always a broken record on this. You need to communicate, um, but especially submissives because your dominant is not a mind reader, and they would like to be, but they don't know what is going in your mind. They don't know what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you need, what you want. And so we shouldn't expect our DOMs to just magically know what we're thinking and feeling. We have to share it with them. We have to be vulnerable. So, some things you should be communicating are your different desires, your different limits, um, maybe concerns that you have, or even feedback. So maybe you did a scene and there were some things you liked about it, definitely share that with your DOM. But if there were some things that maybe you didn't like, or something you want to do differently, definitely share that with your DOM as well. And one of the best ways I've found to communicate with my DOM is by our regular check-ins. And so this is something we do once a week. We do it on Sundays in the evening before he goes to work, and we just check in with how the past week went, what I liked, what I didn't like. And I know that those are my times where you know I can really share what's going on in my mind. But if something comes up during the week, I'm always free to talk about it. And so one way I do that is, you know, kind of the military way where I just say, May I have permission to speak freely, Daddy. And that way I know that I am free and I can just kind of not worry about the different protocols that we have. And you know, obviously I still try to be respectful, but you know, communication is just so key because again, he is not a mind reader. And then the other way I've found to be really effective for me personally and for you know other people I've you know coached and my students is just with journaling. And so journaling is something I do every day, like no matter what. Um, you know, if I'm doing it perfectly, I will journal morning and night. I always try to end with things I'm grateful for or wins for that day, but I just usually set a timer for 15 minutes and I just write everything on my mind, and it kind of just gives a like window to my soul for my dominant to really know what is going on in my life, and it's just kind of like this unfiltered stream of consciousness, doesn't make sense, and I also don't have to worry about anything that I write in there like being held against me or getting punished for. So I can just really, you know, I still try to write respectfully as much as I can, but sometimes, you know, I may be upset, I may be angry, and I will, you know, write in my journal during those times, and it just gives him a chance to really see, you know, what is going on. And a lot of times he will give me journal prompts too. If he, you know, is curious about something I'm feeling or thinking, or just wants to kind of direct me in a certain way, he'll give me journal prompts too. But journaling is just something that like I can't live without now. Um, and our dynamic can't live without. And I know so many people say I hate journaling, but it's just start small. Write three things you're grateful for every day, and and just getting in that habit will just really, really help. And and you don't have to share it with your Dom if you don't want to. A lot of times I will write in my journal, and sometimes I will, you know, especially if I'm angry or upset, I will write in my journal, I will scribble a bunch of things, and sometimes I'll just rip it out and you know, rip it up and just throw it away because I just needed to get it out there. But as far as communication goes, you know, journaling helps because even if you throw it away, at least you got your thoughts on paper, and now I'm in a clearer head space so that I can communicate with them. So sometimes before our check-ins, I'll journal too, just because that way I can kind of test out what I want to say. Because sometimes I I'm feeling something, but I don't know how to articulate it. And so journaling can help me do that too. But when it comes to effective communication, we also want to remember that communication involves listening to. So we don't always want to make it about us. Our dominants have feelings and thoughts and things that they're struggling with, things that they're desiring and wanting. And so we want to ask them, how are they doing? How can we better serve them? Um, and just really listening to them. And so, again, those check-in times are times for dominants too, to share how they're feeling. So when our dominants are sharing with us and they're being vulnerable, we really want to give them our full attention and just really be there for them and listen. So that was the first way a sub can improve in their role and become better, and that was cultivate effective communication. So the next way a sub can improve in their role is through personal growth. And why personal growth is so important as a submissive is because we can get in the trap of just expecting our DOM to basically fix us. Um, you know, we're all imperfect, we're all human, and so we may, you know, come into a BDSM dynamic with a bunch of baggage and a dumb a bunch of scars and just a bunch of traumas and things and you know, mental health issues, you know, which is all fine. I'm not saying you shouldn't have those things, but expecting our DOM to be the one that is going to fix those things for us is just unrealistic and it's it's not fair to them. They can definitely help, but we need to have, you know, self-reliance too, because our dominant, you know, may not be around forever. They're they're human too, and so they have free will and they can leave, or something may happen to them. So we just don't want to put so much responsibility and expectation on our dominance. So I really encourage subs to have self-autonomy and to just really discover and understand their own limits, what their desires are, the the reasons behind why they want to be as submissive, to really take the time to figure those things out for themselves. And having that self-awareness just makes your dynamic with your partner just so much more fulfilling and just makes BDSM as a whole more fulfilling too. And so, some tips and examples to really help you in your growth, especially outside the dynamic, is just you know, having things like hobbies, friends, um, education, all those things can just really make you uh a more well-rounded individual. So again, you're not putting so much expectation and responsibility on your partner. And so for me personally, what that looks like is I like to set goals. And so I set, you know, small daily goals, weekly goals, quarterly goals, yearly goals. I am, you know, a goal freak. I really like self-improvement, so I'm always striving for that. But I I have hobbies too. I I like to garden and exercise and you know have my own friends and do my own things. And and so that way I'm just becoming, you know, this more well-rounded individual that also makes me more appealing to my dominant too, because they don't feel so hugely responsible for my well-being. So definitely have that self-awareness and really, you know, look for other ways to grow outside of your dynamic, outside of your partner, by having those friends and hobbies and just educating yourself in different areas, it can just really help. So that was the second way to grow as a submissive, and that was to have personal growth. And so the third way that you can grow as a submissive is this is a hard one, is to let go of control. So I will say first, I'm not talking about consensual bratt or bratty behavior. Like I said at the beginning of this episode, like I can be known to be a brat. And it's more kind of like flirting with us, it's consensual, and there are dynamics where they're the submissive is a brat. That's their identity, and their Dom takes on that role as a brat tamer. So I'm not talking so much about those dynamics. I'm talking more about when it's more, I hate, you know, always talking about this, but like the topping from the bottom kind of a thing. But but even not so much that. It's just I hear from a lot of submissives who are starting out that they just have so much of a hard time just letting go of that control. And I know I've been there too, so I know how hard that can be, especially when you've had to be in control and do things your own way, like your whole life. It can be really, really challenging. So, one thing that will make giving up control easier is just to really have trust in your relationship and trust your your dominant and build that trust. And and ways you can do that are consistency. So a lot of times I, you know, I just say it, it'll it'll be hard, but it just gets easier with time. But having that consistency, the reliability in your dynamic, and just really respecting each other's boundaries and agreements can just go a long way to help you build that trust. Um, but after a while, I just saw like, what's the worst that can happen if I I let go of control? Like, yes, it things may not go my way, things may not go according to my plan of what I see as perfect, but but like the world isn't gonna stop. Like our dynamic isn't gonna crumble, the house isn't gonna burn down. Um, so just learning to give up control, and it does get easier because you begin to see how freeing it is, and that was one of the biggest reasons I became a sub. It's just I was always feeling like I did have to be in control, and you know, I struggle with that, but then seeing how freeing it can be to let go of that control, and it just gives you so much headspace back in your life, and so you know, it's a skill, but it's definitely so worthwhile. And another reason why letting go of control is just so beneficial and important for the dynamic is because if you're just constantly taking things back from your dominant, it's you know, very discouraging from for them. So a lot of times I would do this where I would, you know, ask my dom, you know, or tell him, like, I'm really struggling this in this area, like, can I just like give it to you and let you handle it and take care of it? And he would, and he'd be a good dom, a good daddy dom, and he'd do that for me. But then sometimes behind the scenes, secretly, you know, I was still doing things or just double checking what he was doing, and and that's not good for the dynamic. That's not helping to build trust. And so that's something that I've had to work on. And so the more I gave up control, the more it helped to build his confidence as a Dom. And so, you know, if we're constantly, you know, taking things back or second guessing, we're kind of stunting our dominance growth too. And so that's something to keep in mind. So that was the third way to improve as a sub, and that is to let go of control. And so the fourth way is to proactively serve. So, in a literal, like master slave dynamic, the the master, the dominant in in that scenario will you know tell their submissive what to do, and the submissive just does it like a robot. And the slave in that case may not always be proactively looking for ways to serve their dominant because they're just constantly being told what to do. But one way a submissive can really improve is through this, you know, aspect of being more proactive. And so, what it means to proactively serve is to understand what their dominant needs first, and then to anticipate what their dominant needs. And so this will come with time as you get to know your partner. But I just really encourage subs to learn about what their DOMs need, what they what their preferences are, what they enjoy, and just really try to, you know, serve them in a way that maybe they don't have to, you know, tell their submissive what to do all the time. So this can be things like different daily tasks that you do, different rituals, even, or even just you know, little things that your dominant needs. Or, you know, if you know that your Dom, you know, tells you to do something all the time, you know, doing it on your own without having to be told what to do. So, like I gave that example of how, you know, I journal every day. You know, I could wait until my Dom tells me, you know, I need you to journal, or you know, I can anticipate that he wants me to journal and just journal on my own, and then it becomes a routine. Um, some other ways I've done this are just knowing that, you know, when my Dom comes home from work, that you know, he's tired and you know, exhausted. So, you know, trying to, you know, have acts of service where, you know, I'm keeping the house neat and tidy, you know, maybe having, you know, if it's dinner time, having dinner ready for him and just being more in like service mode, domestic mode type of thing, or even on the weekends, you know, making him coffee without being asked, but I could still do it in a submissive ritualistic way too. So, you know, every dominant is different. And I just highly encourage subs to just be observant of even things that their dom already does, because you don't have to be asked, but just seeing what their daily patterns are, things, you know, even if you're in a long-distance relationship, seeing, you know, what their, you know, different habits are and things like that, and you can just anticipate things they may need, or um even just flat out asking them, like, how can I serve you better? You know, asking them in the beginning of the day, what can I do to better serve you? You know, that's being proactive, to just not always be in more of that like traditional slave mentality of I'm only going to do things that my Dom tells me to do. And so, you know, just taking the initiative can really show how eager you are to serve your dominant. So, again, those four areas a sub can and should improve in their role are communication, personal growth, letting go of control, and proactive service. And again, if you want to become a better submissive or you're a Dom who wants to help their sub improve, I have that free how to be a good sub cheat sheet. You can download it at Dom Subliving.com slash sub, and it includes a list of tips of how to improve in the submissive role and what makes a good sub. So you can download that for free at Domsubliving.comslash sub. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Sub Living community. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the description and show notes. And be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.