The Dom Sub Living BDSM and Kink Podcast
Welcome to the Dom Sub Living Podcast, your go-to kinky resource, so you can get out of the vanilla rut, become the best Dominant or submissive you can be, and make BDSM a lifestyle. Explore the many facets of the Dom/sub lifestyle and gain practical insights and tips to enhance your journey.
Your host, Alesandra Madison, is a renowned BDSM educator, empowering individuals and couples to embrace their sensual selves. As the creator of Domsubliving.com, Alesandra promotes sex education, healthy power dynamics, and open communication. With a commitment to inclusivity, she helps kinksters create authentic and fulfilling intimate experiences.
Whether you're seeking guidance, desiring to deepen your understanding of the lifestyle, or simply looking for entertainment and connection, the Dom Sub Living Podcast is your trusted companion. You’ll learn about BDSM, kink, power exchange, Daddy Dom/little girl relationships (DDlg), D/s, sexual wellness, bondage, and more. Each episode features engaging discussions, expert interviews, and heartfelt stories, ensuring a diverse and enriching listening experience you're not going to want to miss. Hit subscribe, and get ready to transform your life and relationship.
The Dom Sub Living BDSM and Kink Podcast
Exploring the Depths of BDSM with Just Press Foreplay
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Ready to unravel the intricacies of BDSM and discover the profound connection it cultivates? Listen in as Suzii from Just Press Foreplay interviews Alesandra in this raw episode. Unpack the complexities of consent, communication, and care in BDSM. From boundary negotiations to the spiritual intertwining of dominance and submission, Alesandra and Suzii dissect the nuances of power play and the catharsis of kink exploration.
– Suzii's Just Press Foreplay podcast: https://justpressforeplay.com
– Show notes and more: https://domsubliving.com/029
❤️ Join the All-Access Pass for community, coaching, and courses: https://domsubliving.com/allaccess
It's just so beyond sex play. And honestly, it's so beyond how a lot of people um operate in their like normal relationships, which is crazy to me because it's like an entire world that is like opened up that just removes all of these like societal constructs on how everything should be, and it puts you in such a vulnerable place of needing to, you know, figure it out with someone else.
SPEAKER_00Welcome to the DOMs of Living podcast, where you'll learn how to break free from the vanilla rut, unlock your true potential as a dominant or submissive, and finally make BDSM a lifestyle. I'm your kinky guide, Alessandra. Today we're going to do things a little different. I'm going to share an episode of a podcast where I was the guest. And this was actually back in 2021. So I had the privilege of being interviewed by Susie. She's actually one of my followers, but she is the host of the Just Press Four Play podcast, which, by the way, is a freaking awesome name for a podcast. And what I love about what we talk about in this interview is just how everyone's personal journey in BDSM is so unique. And what I love about Susie is she really focuses on the mental aspects of sex and kink in her podcast. So you'll get to hear from us today talk about not just the practical aspects of BDSM, but the spiritual aspects too, which is really interesting. And I have a little secret to tell, and even Susie doesn't know this either, but this was my first interview ever. She had been subscribed to my newsletter, and she just reached out to me and asked me to be on her podcast. And I was nervous, but I said yes. And she was really surprised and excited that I did say yes, but I was the one freaking out the whole time. I couldn't believe that someone asked me to be on a podcast, and this was going to be my first episode. So this episode just always has a special place in my heart, and she is just such a great interviewer, and she made everything so easy. And just coming out of the interview, I was really, you know, so energized about kink and BDSM. And so I think you will too. And we just talk about so many great tips for improving your dome sub relationship. So let's hear from Susie today from justpress4play.com. Her podcast is all about mindfuckery and how the most erogenous zone is the mind. And I'm just really thankful that she let me share this interview on my podcast. So let's explore all of this. Here's the interview with Susie from Just Press4Play.
SPEAKER_01So tell us a little bit about yourself and a little bit about your website, just so you can kind of introduce you a little.
SPEAKER_00Well, my name is Alessandra Madison, and I'm a full-time submissive to my Dom, and he's also my husband. And I created Dom Subliving as a way to help new and experienced Kingsters kind of live the BDSM lifestyle more fully. And I do that through our free website, DomSubliving.com, and also online trainings and one-to-one mentoring. How long have you been doing that? Oh gosh. The website's about four years old now and been doing the trainings and the mentoring for a couple of years now.
SPEAKER_01What um got you like inspired to do that to help other people?
SPEAKER_00Well, I actually started out being a beauty blogger, believe it or not. Oh wow. But um, because I love to write and I always wanted to be a blogger, but it wasn't something I was passionate about. So I really wanted to do something more that I was passionate about. And my Dom actually suggested, why don't you make a BDSM blog? And it just kind of sounded silly and crazy to begin with, but it really just took off and I really liked it. And then I just kept getting more and more questions and advice. And so I thought, well, how about I put it in an online program? And it's just been really successful.
SPEAKER_01I love that. How often do you post? Do you have like a schedule for yourself, or do you just kind of whenever you're inspired?
SPEAKER_00Um, right now, kind of whenever I'm inspired, or I get a lot of questions about something, because right now I have like dozens of articles because you know, I've been writing for you know four years. I've kind of like covered a lot and wrote a lot. So there's not a whole lot too much more that I can say on the subject. It's more just, you know, helping people more individually and to apply it in their own life.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I love that because you don't really find too many like good resources online for these kinds of things. They're kind of like uh, I don't know, some of them I feel like are a little scarier, like what am I diving into? But I really love your website because everything's so elegant and beautifully laid out and like not intimidating. Well, thank you.
SPEAKER_00I appreciate that. Yeah, I really wanted to try to do something that was like more professional because there was some things out there, but it was more like pornographic or kind of cheesy. And you know, there's lots of like online tutorials for bondage and stuff, but I wanted something that was more step by step for like making it a lifestyle.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. And it's nice coming from a submissive point of view because I feel like a lot of the other things are more of like a DOM point of view. So, what kind of like called you to be interested in BDSM to begin with? Did you have like a moment or like a turning point?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's a no. So I would say I've been kind of kinky my whole sexual life, you know, just been really drawn to that. I would always call my husband daddy. That was kind of like our dynamic. Yeah, like fun and playful. Yeah. But just, you know, really kinky. But I just um it was about you know 10 years ago that I just really started researching more about BDSM. And we had done bondage, we do pain play, but not really the dominant and submissive aspects of it. But when I was reading about it, it just really seemed like it clicked for us in our marriage and relationship. So I told them about it and said, Hey, I kind of want to try this. And I mean, what husband's gonna turn that down? Like, oh, I can tell you to have sex with me whenever I want. So we tried it and it was in the beginning, it was good. It was a little rocky, but it was mostly just the fun aspects of it. Like, if I forgot to like text him, he, you know, give me a spanking, you know, and it was just kind of more lighthearted. But I think it was the first time that he gave me like a real punishment spanking. And I think we were arguing about something, and I I have like a diff a hard time like letting go of things, like a lot of times, you know, I'll keep bringing it up, you know. Until like the loop is closed on it.
SPEAKER_01I understand.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. I need to talk about this some more, I need to drag it out more. But and and that's sometimes part of being a female, but it would lead to a lot of arguments, you know. He'd say, I don't want to talk about it anymore, and I just keep bringing it up. But so this one night, it was kind of like the same thing, and he just said, if you don't stop talking about it, I'm gonna give you a hard spanking. And like I said before, it was kind of like these fun things we do, you know, I'll spank you if you do this. But he was serious and um, you know, stupid me. I still opened my mouth and said something, and he said, That's it. And he spanked me like really hard, and I cried, but he comforted me afterwards, and we didn't talk about like the argument we were having, and we just went to bed, and we just kind of sat there and was like, did we just like fix years of problems we just had like with BDSM? Right? So it was it felt like like a liberating moment. Yeah, like that's what I needed. Um, you know, because like I said, I would, you know, draw things out, but it was just how do I put it? It just gave me that closure, you know, because he was able, I was able, you know, to feel the pain, you know, cry it out and be comforted afterwards. Yeah. So like put framework to it all. Yeah, and that's all I really needed, you know. So it kind of just fixed everything right then. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I love that because sometimes we don't realize like how much people just kind of sometimes just need to be told what to do. And then it's like the sternness, it doesn't necessarily need to be out of like aggression or anger, but the sternness sits well. And it's like, okay, I I felt that like that was genuine.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And I think a lot of like relationships need it. I think we're like so told like relationships need to be equal, like but it that doesn't work. It's like even, you know, like they say, a boat needs a captain. You can't have two captains on a boat. So it's the same for relationships. You know, there needs to be someone who is, you know, get a step in and say, this is not how it's supposed to be. This need is how it's supposed to be. But I think that, you know, was what we needed.
SPEAKER_01I love that. So, like when you guys were getting started, kind of transitioning your life into this. Um, I was reading one of your articles that was talking about how like the information you'd find online versus like what actually living the life, like what did that transition look like for you guys?
SPEAKER_00Well, I always tell people you have to make it your own. So, you know, you kind of online, you'll learn the basics, you'll learn about safe words and contracts and limits and you know, all those things. So you will get a good grasp of everything online, but then actually living the lifestyle is just it's so different because like a lot of times we just think about the kink, but then it's like, okay, what do you do when you come home from work and you're tired or you have to deal with the kids and things like that? How do you stay a dom sub couple? You know, it's the stuff that's not as glamorous, but you know, is part of living the lifestyle. And and so you do have to make it your own, and you know, you're gonna have your ups and downs, but you know, just know it's not gonna be like it looks like on the internet, you know, on Instagram, so glamorous all the time, you know.
SPEAKER_01Because it's not always about like the sex, and it's not always about like that. There's so much more to it. There's like the mentality, the connection, the learning to conversate.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, no, definitely. And and it's work, and that's what people I think don't realize. They think, you know, oh, it's just kinky sex, you know, and they don't realize, you know, it's a dynamic that you have to put in the work for, you know, you have to make sure your partner's needs are getting taken care of, your needs are getting taken care of, that you know you're you're not slacking in your role, you know, there's just so much work involved.
SPEAKER_01Because a lot of times too, I feel like you're um like going through this, like how you were saying, like when you got spanked and then you cried, but then you realized that's what you needed. Like a lot of aspects of of BDSM, I feel like is like reparenting yourself and re you know, re-dealing with situations and kind of how to just better process your emotions, right?
SPEAKER_00I I totally agree. I mean, I try not to like stereotype and you know, like everyone who's in BDSM had a traumatic childhood, and that's why they chose BDSM. But I do, you know, see a pattern. And even for myself, like my parents were very like lenient because I was a good kid, you know, the straight A student and all that. But so they were lenient to where like even if I did mess up, I would never get punished. I was never grounded as a child, and and I needed that because I think it's a way of saying, like, hey, I care enough about you to want you to do better. Yeah. And so just instead of just saying, like, oh, Alessandra, she's always good, and you know, we don't have to worry about her. It's like, I want I want you to worry about me.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. It's like I want, I want to have standards on my on myself.
SPEAKER_00Like exactly. And so I think that's why I was just so drawn to the submissive role, you know, that you know, being told you're a good girl, but then also being held accountable and for someone to want me to do better, you know, just it, you know, just fulfills all those needs I had.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And then so like going into your like day-to-day life outside of being around your husband, do you see like a boost in confidence based off how your relationship has changed through it?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean, definitely. Because one thing he tells me is I only need to please him. So if I start worrying about what other people think, he just says, remember, all you need to do is please me. And so that takes just a huge weight off that I don't need to care what people think. It's just, you know, me and him. So yeah, it definitely helps. I love that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because so many times we absorb so many like anxieties from other people and they're not our own. We just take it on and absorb it and for what.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And, you know, there's times I have, you know, body issues and things like that and self-esteem issues. But, you know, to have him always reassure me that I'm pretty, I'm sexy, and you know, all that. But then also, you know, he'll tell me, you know, it's okay if you're not, you know, comfortable right now with it, or, you know, but because he's like, it's for me to enjoy, you know. And so sometimes that's like one of the things we'll do is like if I'm really like, oh, I just feel like garbage or whatever, I don't feel pretty, I don't feel sexy, you know, he'll just put a blindfold on me during a session and he'll say, you know, you don't have to look if you don't want to, you know, I'm gonna look and I'm gonna enjoy it. But if you don't want to look, you don't have to look. And that that really helps too. Yeah. You know.
SPEAKER_01Wow, that's beautiful. It sounds like you guys have a really good like um hold on, like reading each other's body language and kind of understanding, um, which is beautiful. I feel like sometimes with relationships, you get afraid of having to put all of the work in and you don't realize all of the small details, how much they matter. And as I've been exploring BDSM and the connection that you have to make first, it's like it's amazing how much goes into the trust and the communication. Like you can't just jump in and start doing it. You really need to build a connection with someone first.
SPEAKER_00Yes, definitely. And one of the things like I had to learn early on is when he says, like, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? to not like sugarcoat it and be like, oh, nothing. I'm just thinking about my day tomorrow, like to really literally tell him what's on my mind. And it could be the stupidest thing in the world, but just to tell them, because a lot of times I'm worried about something or I'm upset about something, but I hold it in. Yeah. But if I'm able to share it with them, then he can take on that issue or that problem too, or even just listen, but just not holding back, you know. And I think that's a sign of a good dominant when they're, you know, can tell that something may be bothering their submissive, and to ask them, you know, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? What are you really thinking and feeling, you know, to kind of bring that out.
SPEAKER_01And like showing the awareness that you see that, you know, the surface answers aren't gonna cut it right now. Yeah, no, definitely not. Um, so what are what are some of like your favorite and least favorite aspects of like living the 24-7 lifestyle?
SPEAKER_00Well, my favorite would just be like I get a real satisfaction from being used and being useful, like that someone, you know, just sees a purpose in me and you know wants that. So, you know, just being useful and making myself useful, you know, and and serving my Dom, I really find like a deep joy in that. And really just, you know, obviously the sex and all that, you know, those are the perks, you know. And I really do enjoy pain. So, you know, that has really helped me too. But just I think with the one of my favorite things is just yeah, just serving my dom and and knowing that I'm making him happy. And then for like the least favorite things, I think, are like when there's roles I don't want to do, but I know like they're for my own good and I have to do them. So it's kind of it's a lot like being a kid. I've come to realize, you know, at least in you know, a lot of these types of dynamics that are like ours, is that you know, he's taken on this parental role, and I'm like the child, and just like a child knows, like um, you know, oh, I don't want to have to do this. But they're a child and they they would rather have you know protective parents than no parents at all. Yeah, you know, so it's hard. And it's like you know it's not something that's gonna hurt you, but something you might need. Like one of the things he he's been doing is putting restrictions on my phone because I've spent so like much time on Instagram and all those things. And he's just like, okay, we're gonna have to put restrictions on your phone. And then, you know, I'm just like, oh no, you know, really we have to do this, but like I need it, you know. So that's hard, you know, when you know you need something, but at the same time you don't want it.
SPEAKER_01Um, when you guys are like introducing, so like say you want to try something new that you're not sure if it's gonna like push your boundaries or not. Do you guys have like a ritual you jump into to try and test it out? Or what would you suggest for like people who are curious about something but also kind of scared to try it?
SPEAKER_00Well, I I think especially the submissive needs to journal about it to really kind of break it down. What am I feeling? What am I afraid of? So she can get more comfortable than when they do talk to their dominant. And then I think to talk about it first and not jump into actually doing it, but having a discussion about it. Because if you can't talk about it, then you're you're not gonna be able to do it, you know. So I think, you know, whatever the, you know, the thing you're wanting to try, you know, really talk about it and you know, and then what if like something bad happens? How are we gonna handle that? You know, so kind of just looking at all the different scenarios around it, you know, wow, how are we gonna handle it if we decide we don't like it? You know, how are we gonna handle it if we just if one of us really likes it but one of us really doesn't like it? You know, so like having that conversation beforehand, I think is so important.
SPEAKER_01Nice. Do you guys have you guys ever found an area where one of you really likes something and one of you don't, and you kind of have to negotiate in the middle?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean, well, I'll give you an example. So I'm not really big on anal sex or anal and the same.
SPEAKER_02I'm like, it's I don't get it.
SPEAKER_00But but he is, and I'm not gonna, you know, tell him like you're horrible, you're gross, you know, even though I think it's gross, you know. But we also have we call it, you know, it's a TPE relationship, a total power exchange. So, you know, he could be a jerk and say, Well, you're gonna do it anyways, but it's more like he kind of saves those for punishments because he knows I won't really want to do those. Yeah. And then so when it does happen, he's enjoying it, but I'm not. But I think then in my boundaries, that's okay. It would be worse if I said, okay, I know you like this, so I'll do it for you, and then just kind of lay there and pretend that you like it, you know. Okay, I'm meeting you in the middle. But framing it as like a punishment, it's like giving me the liberty to not like it, you know, like it's okay if I don't like this, you know, versus because you know what the punishment was kind of and I deserved it because I went over on my screen time or whatever. But yeah. But yeah, so I don't, you know, and there's nothing really else that I ever feel like, you know, I'm just doing it for him because and I don't like it, or I'm, you know, pretending like I like it. I mean, we're both pretty kinky, you know, but and I'll usually try, you know, anything once.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you know, well, it's just amazing to me how many couples like because it's almost like negotiations would work great within their relationships if they'd understood or even heard the terminology before. But I think some people don't even understand that like negotiations in the bedroom can be a thing. And so many women do just submissively take stuff. Oh, you have it is almost like the perfect scenario because you know, you understand when it's coming, you guys have worked that out. So it's not like something that's traumatizing.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, no, I definitely think a lot of girls fall and women fall into that trap of I have to please my partner no matter what. And I think sex has come a long way for women to where, you know, now women's pleasure is something that people talk about. You know, before it wasn't that way. So yeah, it was just you do whatever you had to do to make your man happy, and you don't really, you know, have to enjoy any of it. And that's just how it was.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. And now we're kind of seeing the negative side effects of that where men are just thinking they can take women however they want. And now we're having to like clean it up and speak up and kind of tidy and repolish everything.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, no, definitely. And and I think just you know, so much like needs to start in the school system. You know, I don't know how it was with you in school, but it was like all we learned about was like, you know, our, you know, fallopian tubes and our uterus, and that's all for having babies. And then the man, you know, he gets an erection, he ejaculates and has an orgasm. It's like no one like taught us about the clit or anything, you know. So I mean, I think there needs more anatomy talked about in the school systems, you know, for you know, even girls to know about their bodies.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, I think all we learned in Sex Ed was like we got the condom and the banana, and that's like basically all I remember from it. Everyone remembers that. Yep. Yep. Um, so can you can you kind of like explain the excitement behind the disimant discipline and punishment strategies, like you know, how how it can revamp relationships for people?
SPEAKER_00Well, it can revamp relationships, but I mean, a lot of times if a relationship is fizzling, there's always like you want to figure out why it's fizzling first and address that. But I mean, if it's just because, you know, it's the same old, same old, then yeah, definitely bringing in the rules and the punishments can definitely help, you know, bring something new. So just the fact that it's something new can be, you know, a really big boost. And especially if you're playing with pain, there's like so many endorphins associated in giving pain and receiving pain. So that can really, you know, help, you know, a relationship if it's kind of starting to fizzle out. But I I think, you know, kind of just goes back to, you know, what I was saying is just knowing that someone cares enough about you to want to discipline you and give you rules and punishments, you know, that you know, they're aware of you. And it's not just like, you know, hope you enjoy your day, you know, it's like they're involved in their life.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and it's not really, I don't feel like it comes from like a controlling aspect that is genuinely like to see you do better for yourself and see you be happier and more like liberated and fulfilled.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, definitely. I mean, if you're doing this and it's, you know, you're seeing negative effects in your life, you're not feeling good about yourself, then you know something needs to change. You know, it's you know, BDSM is supposed to be a good thing, you know, it's supposed to make you happier, you know, improve your life, you know, have more fun in the bedroom. So if it's leaving you more depressed and unfulfilled, then there's a lot of other things going on and you need to kind of back up and talk about it.
SPEAKER_01So it kind of goes back to like the making sure that your mentality is in a good place first. So you don't want to be jumping into BDSM experiences thinking that it's going to heal things if you haven't first like actually communicated with yourself.
SPEAKER_00I think, I think so to some degree. I mean, because I know, like, I think for DOMs, it's like if you can't be dominant in your own life, and how are you gonna help someone else to kind of get back control from their life? But a lot of submissives do get into their role in the relationship. It's because they are struggling with things and even mental health issues. So, you know, I'm not gonna say, well, go fix your mental health issue and and then come back and do BDSM because a lot of people see that it's been beneficial. Yeah, so like hand in hand almost. Yeah. I mean, obviously we're not doctors, but but some people that's just enough that they need, you know, or um, like you said, it goes hand in hand. And so, you know, it can definitely help, I think, deal with the things that we're dealing with.
SPEAKER_01Do you think that there's any correlation between like spiritual life and BDSN lifestyle?
SPEAKER_00I think so. I mean, I consider myself a spiritual person, a religious person, but I think there has to be some like some reason that you're doing this that goes beyond your partner, because you know, especially with rules and things like that, you know, your partner, especially like if you're not living with them all the time, like even my husband, you know, my dom, he goes to work. But, you know, if he has a role for me, you know, I could just lie and say I did it, you know. But I think that's where the spirituality comes in, where it's like I'm not just doing it just for him, you know, I'm also trying to better myself. And, you know, I think that's where the spirituality comes in.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because it's like something you're both working on together. So all pulls together. So I want to talk about kinks a little bit, some some like exciting stuff. Do you do you have any um like tips for people who are kind of testing the waters or maybe people who are like, you know, intermediate kinky, just some fun stuff?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, um, I actually have a quiz on the website. It's doms of living.com slash quiz that can kind of help kind of get the ball rolling to see what you know, kind of your kink personality is like that. But that's you know, reading a lot and kind of keeping a journal of the things that you like, the things that you don't like, just kind of going from there. You know, obviously there's you could start with light bondage and spanking and things like that. But but yeah, just you know, read a lot, watch a lot, and just you know, really reflect on you know how it makes you feel.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think that's one of the most important things is a lot of people um forget that it is about you and your connection. And so they, you know, they let other people's shame come in and then they over, you know, oversit in it. And it's like if you feel the need to explore these things, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Like, you know, as long as you're not non-conventionally hurting someone.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And you know, the saying, you know, your kink isn't my kink, and that's okay. You know, we don't all have to like the same thing.
SPEAKER_01Do you have any advice on like creating and starting scenes? Because I feel like that might be hard for people to get started, like being creative on that.
SPEAKER_00Well, I think it's good to kind of have an idea in your head. I mean, you don't have to always, you know, write out this elaborate scene, but just kind of have an idea of like how you want it to start, how you want it to go, you know, how you want it to end, getting, you know, your basic toys. Sometimes it's always good to like have everything on hand first. You kind of just lay it out so you're not like, oh shoot, I need to go get that thing. And then it kind of kills the mood, you know. So kind of just have everything ready. But um, yeah, it definitely depends on, you know, what you know you and your partner like. And you can have, you know, different rituals, you know, start with the submissive kneeling at first, you know, and just telling them what's going to happen during the scene and you know what they expect of them, kind of have some, you know, like rules in place. But and not just, you know, don't take yourself so seriously, you know, just enjoy yourself, you know. Yeah, if you start doing one thing and want to change it, you know, don't think, oh, I can't change it. You know, go ahead and change it.
SPEAKER_01Do you have any advice for like submissives who maybe the communication's not so good, but like if they're in a scene and their DOM's not really like paying attention to safe words, do you have any advice to like help the situation?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So if, well, like you said, there's safe words, but if you know the submissive isn't comfortable using the safe words, you know, she can even, you know, you can have like a hand gesture or something. She can even just kind of tap the Dom and say, like, I need a time out kind of a thing. And or, you know, just asking for a break to get their thoughts collected. I've I've noticed that DOMs do really like their submissive to speak up when they don't like something and when they do like something, because that way it kind of helps guide them. I mean, there's a difference if you're just the submissive just saying, do this, don't do that, I don't like this. You know, if they're directing it the whole time, but but a DOM does like to have some kind of pointers where you you say, you know, I kind of am not really liking that. Can we try something different? Or oh, I really like that. Can we keep doing that? You know, the the Dom does like, you know, those cues to kind of help them along. So like don't be afraid to be vulnerable and yeah, yeah, definitely.
SPEAKER_01And then I want to talk about embracing pain play.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so I really like pain. So this is like my same it and what's interesting is everyone processes pain differently. So what may help one person may not help another. Like um for me to really embrace it is like to really focus on my breath and the breathing and also focus on where the pain is coming from. So if it's like on my bottom, you know, and we're trying to work up my pain tolerance, instead of like zoning out and picking a spot on the wall and concentrating on that, what helps me is to actually bring my awareness to my body even more and focus on that pain and just focus on my breathing. But I think where people have a hard time embracing the pain is kind of like the mindset around it. Like, why am I getting turned on by pain? Especially the DOMs. They're, you know, I hear from a lot of DOMs that are just like, I feel bad that I enjoy hurting my sub. You know, something must be wrong with me. I must be demented or something, you know. Right. But but just how much a sub can enjoy pain, you know, the Dom can enjoy giving pain just as well.
SPEAKER_01I most feel like it's like the um like giving yourself to someone, like completely trusting that at any moment, you know, like your life is basically in their hands when it comes to things like that. So I feel like that trust is kind of what makes them bonded with you when it's happening.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Um, I'm a lot that way into choking. I I really like choking. But but it is that vulnerable, like in the second he can kill me. Yeah. So it does, you know, it's that complete trust where like literally my life is in his hands. Um, I use I people keep asking me, like, write an article on choking. You love choking, but I'm like, there's like so much liability in an article like that.
SPEAKER_01We had mentioned it in a podcast once, and I was like, I think I'm gonna need to like edit that out just in case. Like it worries me, people hearing it as like something fun, but not totally understanding how to be careful with it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, definitely it's not something you let's just try this tonight.
SPEAKER_01You know, definitely yeah, research. Yeah, there's like a very strong, strong bond that needs to happen there. Yeah. Plus, because you also don't know. Like some people, you know, there's if you haven't known someone for a very long time, it might trigger something in them, you know. So it's like so important to make sure that the connection is really, really there, especially if you're playing with stuff like that. It doesn't want to be like the first partner or like a one-night stand where you're like, yes, choke me.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. And then unlike a lot of people in the moment, like forget, oh, how are they gonna safe word when they're choking? And they, you know, in that moment they think, oh, shoot, you know, so that's why you have to talk about, okay, are we gonna have a gesture? Am I gonna tap you? You know, you know, what is it gonna look like? You know, because yeah, you don't want to realize that in the moment, you know. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Do you do you have any advice for people who don't necessarily have a kink partner but are like looking for one?
SPEAKER_00Well, I think you have to first really understand what you want because you don't want to get a kink partner when you're just like, I don't know what I really want. And you know, I guess I'll just try everything because you know, you may find a person that's really gonna take advantage of that. So first know what it is you like, know what it is you don't like. And if you're looking for, you know, a partner that you can do kink with, you know, really trust them and don't take everything, you know, they say as fact. You know, there's so many people out there that are just like, I'm an experienced dom. And, you know, it's you kind of have to take everything with a grain of salt. And so, you know, start slow, but um, you know, as far as meeting people, a lot of times people have had success just meeting people that they thought were vanilla, you know, that and they met them at work or at school, or you know, and it turns out they're kinky or they were able to introduce kink to them. So, you know, I think everyone kind of has a kinky side, but yeah. And there's like online places and you know, dating apps, but you know, you really have to be careful and just you know, and and take it slow too, because there are a lot of people that will take advantage of it, you know, even you know women, you know, who are dominatrix, you know, people will take advantage of the men monetarily, you know, so it's not just sex, you know, there's you know the money thing too.
SPEAKER_01Have you ever had like moments or have you ever had because you talk to a lot of people in the community? So um, like moments where boundaries are pushed or triggered, do you have advice for how to handle that situation?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I think it depends on how it was triggered and pushed. Like if it was an accident, it's totally different than how you're gonna handle it if the person just really didn't respect that boundary. Like blatantly pushed it. Yeah, if they blatantly push it or and it's also how they react to, you know, if they're super apologetic and, you know, swearing they're never gonna do it again versus like, oh, it wasn't that big of a deal, you know, it tells a lot. But if it was like a complete accident, you know, you really have to stop and talk to the person and let them know, like, you crossed one of my boundaries. And this is why I have this boundary. And again, you know, it says a lot how they respond to that, and then have a plan for what's going to happen next time. Because if it keeps happening and happening, you know, there's a reason. Either this person isn't, you know, the person who keeps breaking it isn't mature enough for BDSM, or there's a lack of communication or something. So, you know, figuring out why it happened and then how to prevent it from happening in the future.
SPEAKER_01I I really love the way that people who truly know um how to take care of this treat it because it's not just like it's just so beyond sex play. And honestly, it's so beyond how a lot of people um operate in their like normal relationships, which is crazy to me because it's like an entire world that is like opened up that just removes all of these like societal constructs on how everything should be, and it puts you in such a vulnerable place of needing to, you know, figure it out with someone else.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. No, definitely. I mean, it leaves you so, so vulnerable and you learn things about yourself that you you never knew too. So, I mean, it's such a you know a learning process.
SPEAKER_01Do you want to talk about aftercare a little bit just so people kind of know how they should be treated afterwards?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So aftercare, you know, for those that don't know, is what happens after seeing because you know hormones and adrenaline is really high and it kind of helps bring them down easily. And, you know, plus a BDS um scene can be, you know, so emotionally draining, it can bring out emotions that you didn't even know. So always like first and foremost, I always think you know, the Dom needs to be really attentive to the submissive. So, you know, if he's not and you know, he's in the other room getting himself a glass of water and stuff, you know, that's kind of a red flag. Like he should be, you know, his main concern should be the submissive, making sure she's okay, taken care of. And so things like that can be um like covering her up. You know, a lot of times, you know, after a scene, we can be freezing, we're naked, we're sweaty, and you know, the adrenaline has dropped. So, you know, getting her a blanket, you know, something to drink. Um, if you know, you guys have been doing bondage, then you know, you were gonna want to like, you know, massage the areas that were, you know, tied up and things like that. And and also just talking and asking how was that for you? You know, did it bring up anything for you? And just keep checking in. And I think one thing that's really important is for the DOM to never assume, like, okay, aftercare's over, you know, we can move on. Like it's the submissive will stay in aftercare until they don't need it anymore, you know. So it's not like a set, like, okay, we did 10 minutes, you're good, kind of a thing. I mean, sometimes a submissive can need aftercare even the next day. You know, me and my Dom once we went um on a trip and we went, it was like our anniversary, we went into a hotel. It was like such a long, kinky, you know, every fantasy trip. And then we came home and I had so much sub drop. And so even like for days, like almost that whole week, we came home. And so he really had to, you know, give me even more aftercare than just the typical after scene, you know, aftercare. So it can be, you know, something that keeps going days later. Did you have to ask for that or did he just recognize? Well, the it was weird because I had never had that happen before where it would affect me so much the next day. So I was talking to him and I just kept saying, like, I don't feel right, like almost to where like I feel like I'm sick or something or depressed, but I can't figure it out. And so he said, you know, it will, it probably was because we had this huge long weekend of, you know, you know, doing all these sessions and everything. It probably took a lot out of you. And you're having a hard time, you know, dealing with that some drop. And then so then he knew, okay, you're gonna need more aftercare and you know, making sure I was taken care of.
SPEAKER_01I love it because it's like like the DOM's in control, but really the submissive is in control, like when it's when it's done properly, and if if the Dom's like truly paying attention.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, no, definitely. And I always like a lot of submissives always come to me and they say, I want to be a submissive, but I'm afraid like I'm gonna lose myself. Like I'm only gonna be doing these things for for him. And I'm not gonna have like a mind of my own or anything, but it's like you have to remember like he's he's not making you do these things. Like you're still the one doing them. You know, a dom can have roles and all this, but you're still the one following through on those roles and doing. It's not like you become a robot. You still have that free will to either follow or not follow. So, you know, it's still up to the submissive to make her own choices.
SPEAKER_01But yeah, that's that's a good point to make. Because I feel like a lot of people think that submissive role just means that they're just like, nope. Whatever I'm cold is what I'm gonna do. Um, do you have advice for for DOMs to kind of like help them be more aware or certain things to look at to like notice if they're not being a good DOM?
SPEAKER_00Well, it always boggles my mind how people like just don't talk to their partner, you know. So it's like that's always like the first thing. Like, I'll have DOMs like message me, like, I think something's going on with my thumb. And you should, and it's like, well, talk to her. Yeah. So, so always, you know, talk to your partner and you know, really see how they're doing. Um, give them journal assignments, journal prompts, things like that to do on a regular basis. Um, like me and my dom, we have like a really good check-in every Sunday night, you know, where I can just talk freely and things like that. And then asking like really good questions, not like, you know, how are you doing? Where she can just say, fine, you know, I'm good. You know, say, you know, well, what could I be doing better to support you as a dominant? You know, if you can change something about our relationship, what would it be? You know, so better questions I think can help draw the submissive. Yeah, I like really jump in their mind. And really, you know, notice the body language, you know, and anytime you see a change in your submissive, you know, if her sleeping changes, her diet changes, or you know, just her demeanor, just really pick up on that.
SPEAKER_01Mm-hmm and ask further questions. Um, okay, so last thing that I will get into before or that we'll get into before we go is uh your fifty shades of gray rant. I've been excited for this, and that's why I wanted to save it for last.
SPEAKER_00Oh, my 50 shades of gray rant. Okay, so I will say this I'm not anti-Fifty Shades of Gray. There's a lot of good things that that came out of it. Like I always tell people, like, my mom read the books, and now my mom knows what safe words are, you know. So I mean, there's there's a lot of good that has come out of it, but it's fiction, it's not real life. And, you know, I think a lot of people get into this lifestyle because of it, which I always say it doesn't matter how you started the lifestyle, it's what keeps you going. But a lot of people start in the lifestyle because they've read the books or watched the movie and they hold on to it. They don't like evolve. They think, you know, oh, I have to be like them. And that's what real BDSM is. So I think it did do a lot, but it also did a lot of damage to because it is this fantasy book, you know, it's erotica, but and it's not a BDSM book, you know, in the slightest, you know, it's it's it's not, you know, it has BDSM aspects, it has kinky sex, and you know, yeah, it's you know, an erotica book, but I think people kind of took it and ran with it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I mean, I know a lot of my audience, you know, has come to me, you know, from it. And I do talk about it on my website because I know people are interested in it, you know. But I do think um it's it's also kind of like separated the BDSM community because there's those that are like, I don't really care about it, and there's others that are like very anti against it. And it's like kind of the elitist kind of type of thing. But I think a lot of people don't like the book or the movie is because it was really like the first time that like there was like a really strong, you know, attractive male lead where the woman was the one that wasn't, you know, as attractive, or you know, it's like he's so rich and things like that. So I think a lot of Doms in the lifestyle had a problem with that. Like it was portraying, you know, all DOMs as these rich, you know, muscular, sexy people, you know, and that's not real life, you know. Right. Yeah, but um yeah, it's very interesting because uh, I mean, the person who wrote it really didn't know anything about BDSM. I think you know, she tried, but but yeah, you know, if you know you're listening to this and you know, you got into interested into BDSM because of 50 shades, you know, that's great. But it's fiction, put it aside now and you know, start learning what real BDSM is.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and they don't even like I feel like they don't even glorify like the actual connection that happens between it with like the consent and the non-consent. It's just mostly kind of like abuse glorified. Yeah. And I feel like that allowed a lot of people who are very like egotistical to think that a lot of things are okay in the bedroom when they're absolutely not, if you're not communicating about it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I think it's caused a lot of submissives to become abused because they get it in their head, you know, they get the sub frenzy where I want to be a sub now, and you know, I want to serve a Dom. And there must be Dom. Yeah, you know, there must be Doms out there, just like Christian Gray, you know, that need a submissive, and what they find is really a fake Dom that's you know, kind of using the 50 Shades stuff to kind of control, you know, the person.
SPEAKER_01Well, I'm I'm assuming you heard of like there's one guy in Hall, I forget his last names, but Army Army Hammer or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have any like opinions on all of that when that information came out? Did you hear anything about it? Yeah, I did.
SPEAKER_00And like it's hard because like I always think like I don't know these people, you know, there's always two sides to every tale, but like, so I don't always like know everything. But one thing that really stood out to me, because he was cheating on his wife and everything, and that he, you know, had this BDSM lifestyle on the side. He said, I couldn't live that lifestyle with my wife because she's the mother of my children and I respect her too much. And I thought that was horrible. Cause it's like almost saying, like, if you have a sub, then they don't really need respect.
SPEAKER_01Well, and you're just treating your subs like me at that point, and that's not it at all.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I think you know, it should be backwards. Like, I love this person, I respect them so much, I want them to be my submissive, not I respect them, so I can't, they can't be my submissive, you know. So I think he is missing, you know, all the the respect and the boundaries and you know, all those foundations. And so that was just, I thought was just way off, you know, and unfortunately with his power and his fame and all that, he was able to, you know, hurt a lot of women. And it was, it was, you know, really, really sad. And I always think too, it's like when something like that comes out, like how much more is going on behind the scenes and other relationships that we don't even know of, you know, it's scary.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because that's just the surface of it, really. Is there anything else you'd like to add or you think would be beneficial for people who are listening?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, just you know, remember to have fun. You know, not everyone is gonna have the same kinks, but um just do your best not to judge others, but you know, more importantly, don't judge yourself either. You know, it's a journey and it really is meant to be enjoyed. Awesome. Well, thank you so much.
SPEAKER_01I you have no idea how grateful I am that you made the time today. I swear for like two weeks, I was like contemplating messaging you, and I'm like, no, she's not gonna want to. Like, who am I? What am I doing? But thank you so much.
SPEAKER_00No, this was a lot, a lot of fun. I loved it. It was amazing. Thank you for having me. Absolutely. Wow. I hope you enjoyed the interview that Susie did. If you want to check her out and check out her podcast, head to just pressforeplay.com. She also has some really cool merch that she sells there. But definitely go binge all the Just Press Foreplay episodes. They're all so, so good. Now, all of the links and resources will be on our show notes page at dumpsofliving.com slash zero to nine. But I'm just so really grateful for Susie asking me to be on her podcast so long ago, but she kind of just popped my podcast cherry with being my very first interview that I did. So hopefully the episode sparked you to take action in your journey, and I can't wait to see what the future holds for you. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Sub Living community, and a huge thank you to Susie from Just Press Foreplay. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the description and show notes. And be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Doms of Living.
