SPEAKER_00 0:00

I think the biggest that I've seen in my experience with either my parents or my own relationship is just, I always like to say opposites attract, but you really do get this balance when one partner is older and one is younger. It kind of balances out your energy. Welcome to the Dom Subliving podcast, where you'll learn how to break free from the vanilla rut, unlock your true potential as a dominant or submissive, and finally make BDSM a lifestyle. I'm your kinky guide, Alessandra. In today's episode, we're diving deep into a topic that's as intriguing as it is interesting. We're talking about age gaps in BDSM relationships. Whether it sparks curiosity or controversy, age differences are a huge hot topic in BDSM relationships right now. We're going to be unraveling myths, exploring the unique challenges, and celebrating the unexpected benefits with experiences from my own personal life and from others. Are you ready to challenge the conventional with me? Well, let's get started. Since we're going to be talking a lot about DOMSUP relationships today, I want to make sure you have a BDSM contract because contracts really set a good foundation for a relationship. I have one, I make sure my students have one. So if you want to grab a free PDF of an actual BDSM contract, you can grab mine at domsuving.com slash contract. It's totally customizable. You can print it out too, but that's at domsible.com slash contract. So I have to admit, I've been avoiding the topic of age gaps relationships in BDSM for a while. I've this is just something I haven't wanted to venture into because I know it is a controversial topic. There's a lot of opinions about it. I have my own opinions about it, obviously. But I feel at the end of the day, we're we're all adults. And when we're talking about things like age gap relationships, we're really venturing into what is quote unquote considered ethical. And I feel like that is a risky area to be in as a BDSM educator. Because the reason a lot of us got into BDSM is because what is considered ethical in vanilla standards doesn't really apply to us. We're doing a lot of taboo things, a lot of gross things by vanilla standards. And so, you know, we're the the freaks and the misfits. And, you know, a lot of what we're doing is already ethical. And so I feel like topics like age gaps, it's like we're just, you know, trying to be on our own soapbox and saying what we think and you know what we shouldn't do. And when we start getting into the shoulds, that's when we really need to be careful. And so age gap is one of those topics. And at the end of the day, we should all be doing whatever it is we want as long as it is consensual. But recently I hosted the Dom Sub Dynamics Summit. You can catch the replays at Dom Subdynamics.com. It was an amazing summit, but there were some questions in the community there about age gap relationships. And this question has come up before in some of my programs, but even in the QA session, there was, you know, a few questions about age gap relationships. So I kind of figured, okay, I can't avoid this topic anymore that you, you know, really want to know what the deal is with age gaps and BDSM relationships. So that's what we're going to be covering today. But the other reason I've kind of been avoiding this topic is because I feel like I kind of have a biased opinion and almost like a conflict of interest on this subject because my parents had a huge age gap. My dad was actually 18 years older than my mom. And from what they've told us, they started dating when she was like 20. So he would have been 38. And growing up, it was there was nothing wrong with it. It was, we we would make jokes. My dad would make jokes sometimes that he could have been an 18-year-old man and walked into the hospital when my mom was born and pointed to that newborn and said, That's the woman I'm going to marry. Um, you know, it sounds creepy, but I mean, like, that's what we heard as a kid. You know, it was just like it was weird and you know, different that they had this age gap relationship, but that's all I knew. So it didn't really affect us. And I remember my mom saying that she really liked that my dad already kind of had his life together. She said that was such so different than um, you know, other men her age, and you know, she wanted to get married young. So it it worked for them. You know, there were some downsides. You know, I've shared before that my dad passed away when I was 13. Um, he was 60 at the time. So when I was a kid, I remember so many times, like him picking me up from school or going to different school functions. And a lot of my friends would say, Oh, is that your grandpa? So that was just another thing we kind of laughed about too, but something that I I dealt with. And so he did have health issues, you know, later in his life, and he did pass away when I was 13. So, you know, that's one of the other age, you know, age-related risks when you have, you know, these age gap relationships. But another reason why I kind of have a conflict of interest is that I have dated people who are, you know, younger than me, older than me. I was in a relationship where, you know, someone was 10 years older than me. I've been in a relationship where someone was 15 years younger than me. And even my current partner, Jay, you know, he's a few years older than me. So throughout my whole life, I've had these experiences with age gap relationships. And it's never not seemed normal. Like it's always been normal for me. So when I hear people talk about, is it right, is it wrong, I'm just like, are you happy? Like that that should be it. But obviously, there's a lot more involved, or else this wouldn't be such a hot topic in the BDSM community. So that's what we're going to be getting into. And just so we're all on the same page about what an age gap relationship is, it's there's no, you know, scientific, you know, answer to this question, but it's usually, you know, a significant age difference in the two people. And usually I would say it's about 10 years, because when you think about, you know, 10 years, that's a decade, that's a whole generation. So usually when we're talking about age gaps, you know, it's a significant age difference, but somewhere around that 10 or more years apart is what we're talking about. And of course, when we're thinking of age gap relationships, usually the first thing that comes to mind is, you know, celebrities like Leonardo DiCaprio. Um, he's notorious for dating women younger than him. But usually the the stereotype is, you know, the older man and the younger woman. And and I will say that is usually, you know, the experience of my students who are asking these questions. But you know, other people will pipe in in the community and say that they're in an age gap relationship too, where you know, it, you know, the woman is the the older one. Another, you know, sorry, stereotype is that it's the DOM that's the older one. So whether that is the woman or the man, that's typically in an age gap relationship, the dominant is the older one. And even though that's a stereotype, and obviously there are exceptions to everything, that one almost kind of makes sense because the dominant in a BDSM relationship is typically in a caregiver leading role. And so just like in a parent, you know, child relationship, the parent is older, or you know, all the other kind of relationships in our world, like a boss, an employee, that almost always, you know, it's the one in with the you know, the higher leadership role, um, the more that has more control is taking the lead, that they are the older ones because they just have more experience. And so we see that, you know, typically with you know, dominance in these age gap relationships, that they may be the ones who um who are older. So again, please don't come after me. I know there are exceptions to everything, but this is just like what we're seeing on average, and it doesn't mean, well, this is how we usually say see age gap relationships, so that means this is what's normal. You know, there's there's no no normal in BDSM if you haven't learned that already. But this is just kind of what we see on average, and another thing to bear in mind, just so we're all on the same page, is just the the legality, um, the legalness of these age gap relationships. So obviously, we always say that consent is sacred in BDSM. So um, you know, with age gap relationships, we want to make sure that everyone is at the age of consent. So, you know, I live in the United States, that age is 18. And so we, you know, whatever we're talking about with age gap relationships, you know, we're not talking about 17-year-olds, 16-year-olds younger than that, because they legally cannot consent. They are they are children, and so um they wouldn't be, you know, in a relationship with someone who's older. So, you know, again, we're not talking about the legal aspects of this, but there's also the flip side when we're talking about even older ones. There is the the mental capacity to consent. So if someone is older um and because of their age, or you know, even if it's not because of their age, and you know, if they have some kind of mental disability, but they don't have the mental capacity to consent, then yes, that would be legally wrong for them to get into these types of relationships where there's an imbalance of power and they can get taken, you know, advantage of, um, especially monetarily. And so we may see this in things like fin-dom relationships, which, you know, is like financial domination. So, you know, as long as both parties are consenting, fin-dom relationships are totally fine. They can be a lot of fun for people. But if someone is, you know, older and, you know, because of their age, they are not in a capacity to consent to that. They don't know what's right and wrong, they don't understand what is fully going on, then that is not BDSM, and that is not what we're we're talking about here. So, you know, I just want to put that on the table that, you know, everyone should be at the age of consent when we're talking about age gap relationships. And that goes for those that are younger, they need to be able to consent, and even older ones they need to be able to consent to. So now that we are all on the same page about age gaps in BDSM relationships, let's dive into the dynamics of age gaps in BDSM. So, power dynamics can be hugely influenced by age differences. You know, like I said, you know, there's DDLG, which is daddy dom little girl, or, you know, even caregiver little relationships, where one person takes on a caregiver leadership role, parental role, and the other one is more in that childlike little role. So obviously, if there is an age gap, that is gonna play right into that and kind of go with that lifestyle in that fantasy. And so it just kind of naturally sometimes even just happens, even in like a master slave relationship. If you know the master is older, that can greatly influence how that dynamic plays out. But also your roles and your expectations for what you want in the relationship can be affected by age. So if you are on the younger side and you know, you may not have that much experience, you may appreciate an older, you know, person, even if they're not the DOM, maybe even the sub, but you appreciate them being older and you know sharing their their years of wisdom with you that can really help. And if you're the older partner, maybe not expecting so much from your partner because they are inexperienced and they are just learning. Because you have to take into consideration other things besides experience, but also maturity too. You know, when we're younger, you know, we're less mature just by default, usually. And so that is another thing that we want to take into consideration too when we're talking about age gap relationships, that the the older one may be more mature. And, you know, in my parents' age gap relationship, that was what seemed to be the case. My my father was more mature, and you know, my mom was really drawn to that. And so having an age gap relationship just really fit and made sense for her. But on the flip side, things like lack of experience and immaturity can really affect a relationship too. So you may be playing with a partner who is a lot younger, and maybe they are a little immature, they they don't have a lot of experience. So those are some, you know, things you want to look out for too. It can go either way. And I just want to point out that whenever this topic of age gap relationships comes up, one of the biggest arguments is that our our brains aren't fully developed until the age of 25. So, yes, there's some studies about our different frontal lobes being developed at that age. But again, I I feel like that ventures into the what is ethical. Because when we're talking about BDSM and we're talking about consent, we're talking about adults. And again, here in the United States, that's 18. So imagine you are, you know, 18, 19, 20, and you're wanting to get into the BDSM lifestyle, or have a partner even that's just, you know, a higher age than you, and someone keeps telling you, you know, your brain isn't fully developed. I think that is just like such such a backhanded insult. And also why we see a lot of women, unfortunately, get into these age gap relationships with predators, even because these women or or younger people are constantly getting told, like, oh, what do you know? You're only 18, you're just a baby, you're only 20, you know, you're, you know, you couldn't possibly know anything about relationships. And to have someone then who's older and take advantage of that, and you know, we sh we've all heard the like the cliche thing of like, oh, but you're so mature for your age. You know, the the older predator always seems to say that, you know, you're you know, you're not like other people, you know, your age. You're just you're just so mature. And, you know, I know I've heard that. And, you know, I like to think that it was true that, you know, maybe I was mature for my age, but it is something that predators say and use because they know that young people are constantly having to prove themselves and constantly being told that, you know, they can't succeed in life or be in a committed relationship because of their age, and to have a predator kind of, you know, feed on that and tell them, you know, oh, but I don't feel that way about you, you know, I don't see age with you, you know, you're so much more mature than you know, other people your age, and you know, you're you're so much mature. Um so again, you know, if we if you want to use that argument of, well, our brains aren't fully developed until we're 25. So so like no one over the age of 25 should be dating someone younger than 25. It's you could be inadvertently like contributing to a dialogue that's that's hurting a lot of victims. So I just want to that's like my little soapbox rant. I'm just gonna point that out. But just remember we're talking about BDSM. You have to be an adult. So let's not arbitrarily, you know, put our own opinions about what age that needs to be, you know. Again, you just need to be consenting and according to the law, that's 18. So the whole 25 debate, like I it really just kind of makes me roll my eyes. But again, that's just me personally. But on to the challenges and benefits of BDSM relationships, because there are some things that you do want to look out for, maybe even some red flags, but there are a lot of benefits too. So obviously, if you're in an age gap relationship, BDSM or not, even if it's vanilla, you're going to be judged by society. That's the whole reason we're doing this video right now, is because we as a society are judging this. I am having commentary on this. So just know that if you are in a BDSM or vanilla age gap relationship, people are going to be talking about it. And that is even the case in the BDSM community, unfortunately. You know, people have their opinions. And so if you are in an age gap relationship and you go to a BDSM club or a BDSM meetup, a munch, like you may get some weird looks or eye rolls. I will say though that the BDSM community as a whole is a lot more accepting of age gap relationships than I have seen in the vanilla spaces because, you know, we in the BDSM community tend to have more open minds. Um we, you know, tend to shun society's taboos, but you will have some people that are just like, hmm, I wonder if the only reason they're in a relationship is because of the age gap thing, or if it's becoming like a fetish too. And that is another thing to keep in mind because age can kind of become this fetish. So it's something to be really careful of because when that that fetish isn't there anymore, you know, what's gonna happen? And so, you know, we talked about Leonardo DiCaprio, and this is something that, you know, we've all seen with him is like when his girlfriends get a certain age, you know, they break up and he just finds another girlfriend that same age. And so if you're in an age gap relationship, and the reason the person is with you is because of the age difference, you know, again, older or younger, um, you know, if your age gets to a certain point where you get older and they don't like that anymore, you're at risk for breaking up because they're technically just using you because of your age. And in BDSM relationships, you know, that may not be an issue. You know, maybe you want to be used because of your age. Maybe that's your kink and that's totally okay. But just know that your partner may be only wanting to be with you because of that one thing. And then what's going to happen when that one thing isn't there for them anymore? And the other challenge with age gap relationship is just the different life stage differences. So, you know, like I said, how uh age gaps are usually like a 10-year difference. So we're talking like a generation. You know, music is different, television is different, technology is different, politics are different. So I I would say in my own experience, that's always been not like a red flag or anything, but almost just like funny but annoying at the same time when you try to talk about something and the other person just doesn't get it. Um You know, it can be funny and lighthearted at first, but sometimes it it can kind of like drain on you when you realize this person has no idea, like anything from my era. And so that's just another thing to look out for. Again, society, you know, will make jokes about it. You know, I know we made uh jokes about it with my parents. So you just have to kind of have that thick skin and know that it's going to like maybe come up from time to time. But probably the biggest challenge with age gap relationships, and I'm just gonna say this like, don't shoot the messenger. But with age gap relationships, you are at a higher level, a higher risk of breaking up. And so this isn't just me saying this, this is like actual studies. So this is a study conducted by Emory University in Atlanta, and there's actually a lot of other people who have done studies on this, psychologist, universities, so you can look them up. But this one basically said that the bigger the difference in your age, the bigger chance of separating or breaking up. And so they analyzed 3,000 people and it found that couples with a five-year age gap are 18% more likely to split up than those that were the same age. And the numbers kept rising after that. So there was a 39% for couples with a 10-year age gap and a shocking 95% for those with a 20-year age gap. So obviously, there are exceptions to the rules. So if my dad was 38 and he died when he was 60, do the math. But so their marriage lasted a long time. My parents did. So, and they were 18 years apart. So, you know, there are exceptions to every rule with this, but just know that statistically, the bigger the age gap, the bigger the risk for breaking up. Um, and so this study said that the ideal age gap was actually um one year or the same age, that they had the the smallest chance of separation at just 3%. So, again, obviously there are exceptions to that, but if you want to have the best odds for a long-term DS dynamic, like maybe start looking for someone your own age or maybe just one year older. So if you are on the dating apps and you can um, you know, pick you know the the age range of potential partners, maybe shorten that to just, you know, five years give or take, or just a couple years give or take, up or down, if you're if what you're wanting is a long-term dynamic. Because again, 95% they said was the breakup rate for a 20-year age gap. I thought that was crazy. But if you are in a large age gap relationship now and you're like, well, there's nothing I can do about it now, like I'm with this person, you know, I want to spend the rest of my life with them. Um, you know, they're my my, you know, dom partner. So there are some things that you you do want to have conversations about, um, you know, different things about the future. So financial planning, um, retirement, health issues. Um, what would you do if one of you got sick or an illness? Um, whether or not you want to have kids later, because, you know, with different age gaps, depending on which partner is the different age, there's, you know, a chance that there might be infertility or um birth defects or things like that. So those are all just, you know, hard conversations that that you need to have. But I don't want to be all doom and gloom. So there are a lot of benefits to these types of relationships. I think the biggest that I've seen in my experience, you know, with either my parents or my own relationship is just, I always like to say opposites attract, but you really do get this balance when one partner is older and one is younger. It kind of balances out your energy. One person may be, you know, wanting to go, go, go and do all these crazy things, and the other person may be more, you know, introverted. And so that can really just balance each other out. Also, um, one of the benefits is just, you know, how much their knowledge and their skills can really complement. Someone who's younger may be not as experienced, so they may have kind of what I like to call that beginner's mind where everything is just so new and exciting for them. And for someone who maybe has been in the lifestyle for decades, that can be kind of like a breath of fresh air to have someone who this is all new for. And, you know, we talk about in BDSM, you know, the the TNG, the next generation of people coming into this lifestyle. And there's so much that they they bring to the table in terms of like even just learning different things about BDSM and different, you know, terminology and um different ways that we can be more conscious socially in BDSM. And so they just bring this whole energy that is just really, really exciting. So age gap, age gaps can be beneficial. They they they can really, you know, those two different ages can really complement each other. So I don't want to be all doom and gloom. There is, you know, actually a lot of benefit from dating someone who is older than you or younger than you in the light of a Dom sub relationship. You you can learn a lot from that other person. So, how do you navigate age gap relationships in BDSM? Well, really, it's the same way you navigate any dynamic in BDSM. So you want to have things like really good communication and negotiation skills. Um, talk about your your goals for the race relationship. You know, is this going to be just something, you know, this is this dynamic, just something you do during scenes or during the bedroom only? Or is this something that you maybe want to take 24-7 or outside the bedroom? You still need to talk about your hard and soft limits, your your boundaries and all of your expectations and what you want. So, so really it's it's no different than how you approach any dynamic in BDSM. But one thing you do want to talk about that that may be different from other dynamics is how you'll deal with as a couple, how you'll deal with the different pressures and criticisms. So, you know, how are you gonna handle it if someone makes a snide comment at a you know BDSM club? How are, you know, you gonna handle that if you're online talking about your relationship and someone says something negative about it? Or if you start having negative feelings about it yourself, you know, maybe you start feeling icky or shame. Like, how are you gonna handle that as a couple? And so that is something you want to have a conversation about. So I know all of this can be controversial and even triggering, even, you know, some of us have gotten into age gap relationships where we were, you know, used and you know, preyed upon. So I know this topic, you know, can be very sensitive, but I really encourage you to just reflect on your own personal um views of age gaps and you know, your own understandings of BDSM relationships and just really reflect on those things, you know, take the time to really journal about it too. But my biggest piece of advice too is just try not to judge other people's dynamics and don't worry so much what other people think, you know, as long as you're happy, that is all that matters. And instead of judging all these other people's dynamics, you know, focus on your own. And that's why I think it took me so long to make this video because I was trying to make videos that like benefited me, honestly, and that dealt with things that I was dealing with. So yeah, this topic was a little different for me, but like I said, I do have some experience in it, but I always, you know, try my best to just keep my eyes on my own paper and stay in my own lane and not worry what other people are doing. And so I really encourage you to just have empathy and compassion for other people, and you know what may be acceptable for one person may not be acceptable for another, and that's okay. But whether you have an age gap relationship or not, one of the best ways I've seen to improve any dynamic is to have a BDSM contract. And so contracts are just really good to set that foundation in your dynamic. And like I said, I have one, my students have one. So if you want to grab a free PDF of an actual BDSM contract, you can grab mine at domsubliving.com slash contract. It's totally customizable. You can print it out too, but that's at domsubliv.com slash contract. And definitely subscribe because next week we're going to be staying on the same topic of age, and I'm going to be covering how to live the Dom Sub lifestyle in your 40s, 50s, and beyond. So that's gonna be a really good topic. I know I hear from a lot of people that say, you know, I'm too old for BDSM. And so definitely um listen in next week when we share how to live the BDSM lifestyle in your 40s, 50s, and beyond. But I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Sub Living community. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the description and show notes. And be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.