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That's why I just feel so gross sharing these things because I know how like misogynistic and patriarchal it sounds. But we just kinda laughed, you know, because I'm so introverted and set in my ways and I don't even like dating or meeting new people. I've always said like you're gonna have to unicorn hunt me and come after me because I'm not gonna be out trying to unicorn hunt other people. Welcome to the Dom Subliving podcast, where you'll learn how to break free from the vanilla rent, unlock your true potential as a dominant or submissive, and finally make BDSM a lifestyle. I'm your kinky guide, Alessandra. Today I'm opening up about something deeply personal, and that's how I identify as a bisexual submissive and what that means in a lifestyle that is so black and white. I'll share how my sexuality shapes my BDSM dynamic, even though it looks so straight to the outside world. So if you've ever felt caught between labels or you're just curious about the stories behind them, then this episode is for you. So let's dive into all things identity and desires. Now before we begin, if you want to become a better submissive or you're a Dom who wants to help their sub improve, I want to first tell you about my free how to be a good sub cheat sheet. And you can download it at Domsubliving.comslash sub, and it includes a list of tips for how to improve in the submissive role and what makes a good sub. So you can download that for free at Domsubliving.com slash sub. So part of why I'm doing this episode is because it is June. It is Pride Month. So happy Pride Month. I hope you're having a fun month. I hope you're celebrating and just enjoying this opportunity to just live more authentically in your life and whatever that looks like for you, or helping to celebrate your loved ones and how they live authentically too. So it's just a great fun month. I know we have lots of fun things planned in our lives and just going to different pride events. So um yeah, happy pride. But what had really prompted this episode is a while ago I had sent out a newsletter to my list. So if you're not on my newsletter, be sure to get on that at domsubliving.com slash sign up. But I had sent out a newsletter and just said really briefly in passing that I was a queer own business. So that, you know, Dom Subliving is a queer own business with me, Alessandra, being the queer. And again, I didn't really think anything of it. I, you know, had called Dom Subliving that for a long time, and um I never got any pushback or questions about it. And, you know, we are a queer own business. So I just said it very nonchalantly in this newsletter, but I got a very interesting response. Um, the person replied and said, You mentioned being a queer business. I'm curious about this. As far as I recall, you're in a hetero partnership in which you're a college submissive to a man. Is that correct? How are you queer? So, first of all, I love getting replies to my newsletters. Definitely always reply to me. I, you know, even if I can't answer all of them, I just love hearing back from you. So um, I was happy that I got a response, but I was a little taken aback, honestly. I wasn't sure if this person was genuinely curious or if they were being a troll. And so I just had to stop for a minute and think, what are they really asking? Because a part of me was like, how is this confusing? I don't get it. Like when, you know, two people love each other and they are the same sex, you know, things happen. You know, I felt like how can in this day and age can we not know that someone could be queer and be in a, you know, hetero relationship? Like I've thought like we've grown as a society and we know like, you know, things are on a spectrum, gender's on a spectrum, sexuality's on a spectrum. So at first I was a little taken aback thinking, okay, is this person just being, you know, mean or rude or trolly? But I really thought about it that no, maybe they are genuinely confused. And if one person's confused, maybe other people are confused as well. So that's really what why I wanted to do this episode is just kind of share what being a bisexual submissive means to me. And maybe you can relate to this too. So, how can I be queer and still be in a hetero 24-7 DOM sub relationship? So, first of all, I think we need to all get on the same page about what queer means. So, really, queer is just this umbrella term for basically LGBTQ plus. Um, so you know, that can encompass anything as far as sexuality, um, gender, um, just different roles that we play. So, um I just want to kind of say that I actually don't identify as queer. So I know that sounds a little weird saying, you know, how I put in a newsletter article that I'm a, you know, that Doms of Living is a queer own business. But the reason I say that and I continue to say that is because that is just kind of business terminology. When you say this is a queer owned business, we kind of know what that means, or we should know what that means. Um so in business terms, that's just what I kind of have identified the company DOMs of living as. It's a queer-owned business. And again, with me being the queer, so I know that sounds funny, but as for me personally, I don't use that term to describe myself. So I've kind of struggled with what is the right term for myself, and I'm still struggling with it. So I don't have a full 100% answer as to yes, this is what I am. And if you're LGBTQ, you probably have struggled with this as well. Um, or even just in the BDSM lifestyle, we get so hung up on labels and, you know, am I a master? Am I just a dom? Am I a sub? Am I a slave? Am I a little girl? Like there's so many things we can call ourselves, and we don't want to put ourselves in a box. And it is really personal, and it just has to fit and it has to feel good. And so far on my journey, like I haven't found that yet, but I've played around with a few different labels, but the term I've kind of used a lot and that actually just feels the best when I say it is just that I'm gay. And I know that sounds extremely weird because I am in, you know, this outward-facing heterosexual relationship with my Dom Jay, who's my husband, but gay is just seem what has naturally fit. I think, you know, because it is so simple to say that, you know, it's a full sentence, you know, period at the end. It's gay is one syllable, and it almost just doesn't need an explanation. It just to me it just sounds so easy. And so for me, that's what it it has felt. Like if I were to put on put this on like it's an outfit, like gay just feels like t-shirt and jeans to me. Like I that just what's fits. I can't describe it um because you know, it's just so personal. And I'm sure, you know, if you identify on the spectrum at all, like you kind of feel the same way about whatever labels you have chosen. I've also played around with homoflexible because that just seemed like it, you know, on paper seemed to be what fit. Like, you know, yes, I'm attracted to men, yes, I'm attracted to women, yes, I'm attracted to non-binary. But if you were to like put it on the the Kinsey scale or whatever, like I'm definitely leaning more towards the women. So I thought, okay, well, homoflexible. Like, if it wasn't for Jay, like I probably would be a lesbian, like take him out of the equation, and you know, it's more, you know, homosexual. And I I hate actually that word homosexual because I think it it just minimizes like a person's identity to just their sexuality, and so the other term I've kind of landed on, obviously, because of the title of this episode, is bisexual. And again, with the heterosexual, homosexual, I don't really like bisexual because I think it's reducing my identity to sex, and that is just not the case. I don't think anyone should be reduced to that, and you know, even the terms homosexual are becoming really, really just derogatory. Um so you know, a lot of people who, you know, are you know highly bigoted, you know, are referring to people as just those terms. But so, anyways, my my long-winded response is so if I had to like go by something probably for the rest of my life, it would probably be by because even though gay just seems to fit and I just feel gay that I know that is highly confusing to people. And I don't like bisexual because I don't want to be just you know pigeonholed as to my sexuality. So I've kind of just taken the sexuality part out of it and just go by by because to me, buy is more than sex, it is your identity and encompasses like so many aspects of your life. So, you know, I said this video was gonna be personal and it is, and you know, thank you for bearing with me. But as far as all my different labels and identities and you know, things I've tried over the years, I've just kind of gone with bye now, and that's what I'm I'm going by. I'm going by bye. So um, you know, let me know if you've struggled with this too. But so now, you know, in in regards to BDSM, like I know I'm a submissive, like I know in my heart I'm a sub. Like I've never felt I'm a switch, I've never felt I'm a Dom or any of those things. So now I have these two identities, you know, being bi and being a submissive. And how do I marry those two? And how do I show up in the world? And obviously, if I got a response to that email, that can be confusing to people. So we're gonna really dig into this. But part of the reason why I've struggled with talking about this publicly is because there is a lot of biphobia in the world or bi erasure, even where you know, people don't understand what it means to be bi. You know, why can't you just pick a side? Why can't you just pick a gender? And um, you know, even bi erasure, where, you know, if I'm with Jay, who is, you know, a cis heterosexual man, like then when people see me with him as a couple, then they just assume I'm hetero too. So it kind of just erases my identity. And it can be a real struggle and even depressing at times because you know, this is who I am, I'm by. And you know, with Pride Month, it's all about just being who you are, and and it's so hard when you're presenting a certain way. Um, so I've just always felt like I was almost like too straight to be gay, but too gay to be straight. And so, you know, there's so many other misconceptions about um being bi and just that they're you know these indecisive people. Um, there's also, you know, the the miss that you know all women are bisexual, or especially all submissive women are bisexual, or you know, if you're a switch, that must definitely mean you're bisexual. So it's just you know, a lot of things that I've had to struggle with over the years, you know, people assuming that I must be a switch then. So um yeah, it's it's it's been a lot. And how I discovered I was bi was, you know, at a young age, you know, just like everyone discovers their sexuality typically at a young age, you know, whether you're gay or straight or bi, you know, so you know, it wasn't any, you know, huge light bulb moment. So, you know, it was just pretty normal, but you know, so I won't go into detail about that, but I will share more about how I came out to my Dom because when we first got together, you know, he pretty much knew me as straight. And in fact, we were um we ended up being in a very conservative religion, and this is like a whole other topic I'm gonna share in another episode, but um we were in this very high-controlling, um, almost cult-like, well, it was pretty cult-like religion. And um, so you can't be gay in this religion. And so I had a hard time, you know, obviously dealing with my feelings. So when me and Jay got together, we both kind of knew that we were kinky, though. Um, so we explored all the kink, and so my bisexuality kind of came out as more or less as a kink. It wasn't something I told him I ever wanted to pursue or anything, it was just that it was kind of just something kinky that I like to talk about. Um, but then years later, um, I ended up just telling him that, you know, no, this isn't just a kink, like this is who I am. And I think I did at the time say gay, like I'm gay. And I think it it kind of frightened him because he didn't know what that meant for him. But we explored it um together by discussing it and just him really, you know, bringing out in questions like what that meant for me. And you know, I'm glossing over like so many details and you know, months and months of conversations, but basically, you know, I did just tell him like I'm I'm by, like this is who I am. This isn't just a kink, this is my identity. So after a ton of conversations, you know, he accepted it with open arms and and he didn't want to hold me back at all. So he actually, you know, encouraged me to explore this. And this is part of the reason, too. I hate sharing about it because it seems so very stereotypical of, you know, the the cis heterosexual man, you know, having this bisexual wife or you know, partner, and it just it becomes kind of this, you know, icky kink that you hear about, and very, you know, one-sided, and and I I just didn't want to portray that to people because I know what it looks like on the surface. So we are still obviously 24-7, you know, T total power exchange dynamic. You know, he's my my dom, my master, my daddy, all those things, but he has allowed me to date and have other play partners. And just because of, you know, how my identity is, I have only chosen, you know, women or non-binary people. And, you know, I have had other partners, I have had, you know, girlfriends and dated other women, and so it has been, you know, something that I am still able to experience and explore while I'm still in a committed 24-7 TPE relationship, because even though my Dom has complete control, he can still, you know, allow me or not allow me to experience different things. And, you know, again, I always feel like I have to put this disclaimer, but that is something I have consented to. So even though on paper that does sound so abusive, that yes, this is something I want. And so another way this just kind of starts getting really stereotypical and gross sounding is just my ideal like partner would be another sub, like almost like this sounds so gross, but like a like a sister sub kind of a thing. Because I know for sure, like I'm not a Dom. Um, and I'm not wanting to be in a relationship with another dominant woman because I already have a Dom. Like I'm not looking for that. So it's like almost I want another woman who's equal to me. And again, I just I know that sounds like so stereotypical and misogynistic and patriarchal, even. And those are all things I'm like totally against. So that's again another reason why like I just struggle with being a bi submissive, but that would be what our ideal situation would be, would be, you know, me and Jay and just this other submissive. And I know in terms of like non-monogamy, like that is just you know, the perfect triad, you know, would just be like the the ultimate level of non-monogamy, and it's it's not even like that realistic when you're thinking about what polyamory looks like. But yeah, if I had to wave a magic wand, that's how it would be. And you know, Jay has dated other women too, and you know, I've always kind of joked that you know, if him and another woman want to be in a relationship with me, that they would almost have to unicorn hunt me. So if you don't know what unicorn hunting is, it's where you know, usually it's you know, a sh straight man and a bisexual woman, and they're out trying to find another bisexual woman. That's why I just feel so gross sharing these things because I know how like misogynistic and patriarchal it sounds, but we just kind of laughed, you know, because I'm so introverted and set in my ways and I don't even like dating or meeting new people. I've always said like you're gonna have to unicorn hunt me and come after me because I'm not gonna be out trying to unicorn hunt other people. And and so that's how like relationships have just always like kind of went is you know, I'll just like make women friends and you know we end up, you know, liking each other, or you know, there's been a few times where I I've had, you know, gone on the dating apps and you know, found women that way, but um, you know, just like you know, I'm sure it is with you, you know, dating apps are always always difficult to navigate. But I just want to say too that you can be bi and and not be non-monogamous or not even be dating. And so don't or you know, or gay or you know, lesbian, you can be any identity and you can still be single and not currently looking for someone. So, and that's where kind of like the by erasure happens. Happens where you you're this person in this heterosexual relationship, but you're you're also bi, but you're not currently dating someone. So you don't have to date someone to make your sexuality or your identity valid. And that's even the same for BDSM. You don't need to have a partner to have your identity be valid. So if you're a Dom, you don't have to have a sub in order to be a real dominant, or you don't have to, you know, have a DOM in order to be a real submissive. You can still be all those things, even as a single person. So I just want to add that too. And I have had people ask me who know I'm in an open relationship, that our dynamic is open, and they'll, you know, ask me, well, does Jay allow you to have other DOM? Does Jay allow you to date other men? And the way I've always just described it is that our relationship is open, but I again just choose to date only women. And it's just kind of always been the case that when I have been with a woman, at least so far, that it's like I've almost always defaulted as the top. And this is kind of why n a relationship with another woman kind of hasn't worked out, is because I think for a few reasons, and this is just my own hangups, but I think for one, like I'm older and I tend to for some reason attract younger women, and I'm also tall, I think, and and again, these are just stereotypes, but you know, I'm older, I'm I'm tall, I just you know, always think like I attract bottoms, and um so yeah, I just always kind of default to the top, and so that's why like a relationship hasn't ever worked out, and I'm not looking for another woman to dom me either, and so I'm just looking for someone who's equal to me as a submissive, and um again, that's like the ultimate level in polyamory is to kind of find um that balance, and so you know, it it may never happen, but you know, I, you know, just for the point, you know, I'm I'm not looking for other men because I I have a man. Like I I heard it described once by another person in a similar situation as myself where they said, I don't want um, you know, lots of men, I don't want to date other men, I just want one man. And I think that is the case with me. Like I can be attracted to all women, have crushes on tons of women and non-binary too, but I just want one dominant man, and I have that. So um, yeah, that's why, you know, even though we've opened up our our relationship, I'm not being with other DOMs or or other men for that matter. And there are other challenges I want to bring out about being a bi submissive or even being a bi-dom. I'm sure these things apply too. So one of the biggest challenges is just kind of navigating different kink spaces. Um, because especially I've noticed here in LA and especially in San Francisco, a lot of groups and events will be for queers only, LGBTQ only. And those spaces need to be there. Um, you know, queer people need to have their own spaces, and I totally get that. But it can be hard because, you know, obviously I'm in a dynamic with a straight man, so it's hard, you know, when I want him to come to these events with me, and you know, it wouldn't be right for him to come. Um, and I totally understand that I understand that, but it's it's just something to to keep in mind that you know you may have to either one not go to these events at all or just go on your own without a partner. And so I've you know done both of those ways, and you know, it is hard, you know, wanting to go to a place, you know, with your partner and not being able to. And again, that's not to call out any of these places or events, because I really do think we need queer-only spaces, but so that is just a challenge that has come up and to keep that in mind. But I will say that the BDSM community is very accepting and welcoming of the LGBTQ community, and pretty much vice versa. They're pretty much accepting of others. There is a whole debate about um, you know, they call it kink at pride and um whether or not kink should be a part of pride, and you know, you'll have groups like you know, leather groups that'll, you know, come to pride parades and pride events, and you know, there's a whole controversy about whether or not that is okay. Um, and that'll probably be another episode, another day. But as a whole, you know, I think the BDSM community and the King community and the LGBTQ community, they just really go hand in hand for a lot of reasons. Um, I think because we're all misfits in those groups, and so we just kind of need each other, but um there is a lot of overlap in what will, you know, affect the BDSM community will affect the queer community. And so, you know, we need each other as allies, you know, the the laws that are, you know, happening in politics, the bigotry that's happening in society, they are affecting the king community as well as the queer community too. So um, yeah, we definitely need to stay allies and just really respect each other. And so many people that are in the king community are queer, um, and so many people who are queer are in the king community. So, you know, we we need each other now more than ever. But I feel this episode, even though I kind of set out to make something less confusing, I feel like I might have made it more confusing. But that just goes to show how deep the topic of sexuality and identity really is. But I just want to say if you're, you know, bi, if you're submissive, or even if you're a Dom, just know that you're you're not alone. And so many people struggle with these aspects of the lifestyle. And if you want to become a better submissive or you're a Dom who wants to help their sub improve, I do have that free how to be a good sub cheat sheet. And you can download it at Domsubliving.com slash sub, and it includes a list of tips for how to improve in the submissive role, and it also includes what makes a good sub. So you can download that for free at Domsubliving.comslash sub. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Subliving community. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the description and show notes. And be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Subliving.