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It's time for an Ask Me Anything episode today, and we are going in a bunch of different directions. When I asked you what you were curious about, what you wanted to ask me, the questions were amazing. From how to improve your scenes and rituals to avoiding burnout to weaving through DMs to find a potential partner, cheap ways to take the dynamic out of the bedroom, and how to not get overwhelmed when you're living this lifestyle. We're covering a lot, but I hope that it's going to be a fun ride. This episode is all about you. So today we are diving into all the questions you have about life, pink, and basically everything in between. The questions from this episode today actually come from our DOM Sub Living community. This is a great place to hang out if you want to connect with other people just like you who are wanting to live the BDSM lifestyle. We have a community of over 3,000 people just like you. So if you're not part of our community, take a minute, go to the show notes or the show description. I've linked up our community for you to join in on the fun. And without further ado, let's dive into all the questions you have for me. Welcome to the Dom Sub-Living podcast. So strap in and here we go. So our first question is from our member Adira. And she asked, What are things you and Jay, who have been in the lifestyle for a long time, do to always keep things fresh, to keep that unexpected wondering what is going to happen feeling. Well, so if you don't know, Jay, he is my partner. He's my my dom. He's my husband. He's the father of our children. Um we've been married for over 20 years. We've been in the BDSM lifestyle for over 10 years. So we have been together a very long time. And to be honest, we don't always keep things fresh and new and exciting. You know, sometimes we do get into a routine just because we know what we like, we know what works. And so sometimes we just do the same old, same old because that's what we like. And so we do have to kind of make a, you know, conscious effort to make things fresh and new and exciting just to have that novelty there. But we've kind of put in some things in place to make this easier. And one of the ways we do this is obviously, you know, I'm gonna say this, but communicating. So we're constantly communicating, we're constantly talking every night throughout the day, even we're texting each other, um, talking to each other before scenes, after scenes. Um, we have our weekly check-in that we do on Sundays and just constantly talking about what we like, what we don't like, what we want to change, what maybe new desires we have and different ways to explore. So you're not gonna know where to start unless you have these conversations first. And one thing that we do that really helps also is we set um goals together. And so a lot of times too, during our check-ins, Jay will ask me, What do you want to try this week? Or what's something new you want to explore? Um, or maybe we just have a goal of something. Like for instance, you know, we've been really wanting to revamp our toy collection. You know, a lot of these toys we've had for years. So we're really wanting to inventory them and go through them and see what needs to be replaced, what we want to add. And so that's gonna take a lot of window shopping online on different websites, which is always uh a great way to keep things new and fresh and exciting. And that's a cheap way too, even if you don't buy something, just going onto these sites like um Stock Room is one of our favorites, and just browsing, and you can get so many different ideas for things, but definitely setting goals and communicating um has really helped us. And just exploring different new activities too, and different environments, even. So, you know, maybe you're going camping and you want to create a fun, kinky scene in the tent. So that's going to take some creativity. Or one time I remember Jay got in this kick of wanting to create a scene that we can do just in the car. So our kids had gotten older, they could be left alone, and so we could go on a drive and you know, do a full scene, you know, in a car in a secluded area. And so that was like his little project that he wanted to do. So all these little things help to keep it new and fresh and exciting. And then, of course, there's just the surprise element too. So always keeping each other on our toes. And so this can be things like just sending him, you know, certain spicy pictures while he's at work, or you know, just jumping into the shower with the other person when they aren't expecting it, um, waking up each other in the middle of the night. So, you know, you know your partner best and and how to surprise them, or just, you know, coming home and you know, if you know the partner's the Dom, they can just, you know, come in and you know, give a command right away. So there's just different ways to create that spontaneity too. Um, another thing that's really helped is just continuing our education. We're we're constantly learning too, both together and individually. So that way we have something to talk about too. We can tell each other, oh, I I just took this really great class, it was really neat and exciting, or I just read this book. So there's just so many ways that we can make sure that we're continuing to learn about this lifestyle so that we're bringing in new and fresh and ideas. And so also meeting other people in the lifestyle really helps. So if you're not going to munches and events, definitely start doing that and make friends in the lifestyle because just having conversations with other people can kind of get you out of that rut too, and just bring in a new perspective, but really just dedicate time to each other, dedicate time to this. It doesn't always have to be spontaneous. Sometimes keeping things new and fresh and exciting has more to do with planning. And so knowing that you have a date night scheduled or a scene planned at the end of the week can get both of you in that mindset and prepared so that way you can be thinking about what you're doing, what you're going to do, all the new things you want to bring into it. And it can just really kind of catapult that thinking of, hey, I want to try something new and exciting this weekend. And knowing that you have it on the calendar kind of just forces you to do that and make a game out of it too. Um, and you know, track all the different ways you're creating new things and you know, keep a journal of all the new ideas you want to try. You know, we're humans, we forget all the time. I know there's so many times where I see something or I hear something, and I'm like, oh, I want to try that with Jay. Um, you know, let me make sure I tell him this. And then I will forget it because we're just humans. So, you know, keep a journal. Um, that will definitely help. But I I I hope these ideas gave you some inspiration. But um, yeah, it is kind of hard to to keep things new and exciting, but we've we've been able to do it over all these years. Okay, our next question is from Wolf. And they say, We are new to BDSM. Can you describe and give examples of scene and ritual creation? We are feeling stuck. So this is kind of a a common issue that comes up, especially with those that are beginners, is uh for one, feeling like you do always have to create something that you can't just do the same thing that you do each time. I think there's some benefit to doing scenes, you know, a second time, a third time, or a fourth time, even because you you perfect it, you learn little nuances about the other person, and you can kind of just develop this skill. Um, because you know, scenes, they come from, you know, the the acting world. We that's where we get that term. And so when you think of actors and plays, they're constantly practicing these things to get it right. Um, so it is helpful to do some of the same things over and over again. So I don't want to discourage you and think, okay, we had this great scene, but we can't ever do that again. We have to create something new because that's going to put a lot of pressure on you. If there's something that you really liked and that worked, do it again. But um, I will give you some ideas for creating um how to create scenes and create rituals. So my first tip is going to be just keep it simple. Like do what feels good, do what feels good in the moment. Of course, like have all your tools and implements ready and laid out, you know, either, you know, on you know, a platform or on your bed or wherever you're playing. Um, have them all ready if you need them, but just really go with the flow and stay really present and mindful of just what you want to do, what you're feeling. Do you want to create pain? Do you want to create pleasure? Do you want to create anticipation? Just do what you feel like in that moment. But if you do want to plan things ahead of time, I always say to try to kind of focus on a beginning, middle, and end. So it kind of just has this nice buildup where maybe in the beginning you're you're creating that anticipation, maybe a little bit of pleasure, maybe a little bit of fear, even, and just kind of building up. And then you can implement more pain. Um, you can increase the intensity, the duration, and then bringing back down gently seems to be kind of the flow that most scenes take. And so one of my biggest hacks for creating scenes is to just go through your toy collection or when you're planning a scene about what you want to do, create something that has to do with bondage. So this can be even something like blindfolds, you know, wrist cuffs. Um, and then um pick something that has to do with pain. So this can be paddles or a flogger, something like that. And then something that has to do with pleasure. And this can be a flogger too, because you can use the the tails across the body. Um, but for pleasure too, there's, you know, obviously things like vibrators. Um, you can even bring out different things like ice cubes and things like that. But I always say that's one of the great places to start is just have something that's bondage related, something that's pain related, and then something that's pleasure related. And then just pick how you want to, you know, move between those three and just focus on that build up and then that you know release at the end. And you can always mix and match too. So if you used a flogger and handcuffs one time, the next time you can use handcuffs, you know, and a vibrator. So you can just continually mix it up. Um, but there's no right or wrong way to do it. Everybody does scenes differently. I think one of the best ways to get inspired to is to just kind of see it in action. So go to dungeons, go to events and see how people in real life do scenes. And well, I won't say this is always real life because it is a lot of times, you know, on stage or it's being performed, you know, in the comfort of someone's home and bedroom, they are going to act a little differently and do different things. But um, at least you can kind of see how people have that progression and be flexible. Sometimes how you go about a scene is and how you think it's gonna go is not always how it plans out. Um, that's why it's so important to stay in the moment because you have made, you may have planned this like elaborate scene, and then you get into it, and then maybe your sub isn't responding the way you wanted, or they end up safe word safe wording before you even get to that next implement that you really wanted to. So you have to learn to be flexible. So there is a balance between structuring and then just kind of going with the flow and letting things progress naturally. So you'll definitely get there. If you need more help, we do have those three um sample scenes in the Dom Sub training course. So if you're a Dom Subtraining member, you can definitely utilize those. Um, but definitely just focus on what you want to feel and what you want to achieve. Um, and the same thing with rituals. You had mentioned rituals. So think about like the purpose of the ritual. Why are you doing this? So maybe when you come home from work, you want to be greeted. Um, maybe you're feeling like you've been ignored when you come home. So, how can you build a ritual around that? So focus on what it is you're needing in these different moments and then build a ritual around that. They can be, you know, pertaining to your relationship. They can be even romantic, even, they can be purely master slave, you know, high protocol rituals. It's just really what you want in that moment. And I always, you know, try to think of, you know, the who, what, where, when, and why of a ritual. So, like, is this gonna be a ritual that just your submissive does? Is this going to be a ritual that the both of you do together? You know, what is it? What is the purpose of it? Where are you gonna do it? And how are you gonna do it? Sometimes we forget the how. So I have a ritual where I'll make my my Dom's coffee on the weekends when he's here. And so I could just make coffee, and then that's the ritual, but it's how I do it, how I present it to him, what do I say? So all these things, making it more intentional. You can take anything that you do in your relationship already, you know, going to bed together and just even saying goodnight, you can make a ritual out of that. Have this instead of just getting in bed, have the submissive kneel, have them keep their head bowed, um, you know, using specific language. So just focusing on maybe things that you already like and how can you make it more intentional and build the ritual around that. And again, if you need more ideas for rituals, we have that DOM sub training course too that has a ton of different examples. But hopefully that was enough to get you started. Okay, so our next question is from Lori and she says, we are 24-7 TPE. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and feel like this is all too consuming our life. Yet I do love this lifestyle and love our life. We have protocols and rituals and we attend detentives and several different events throughout the year. How do you handle it when you feel that it has taken over your life? That you basically at times live, eat, and breathe this constantly. So, first of all, thank you for this question. And I think it's important to acknowledge our feelings when this comes up. Um, there's nothing bad or wrong about what you're feeling, but you're feeling it. So take the time to really dig into what exactly this looks like and feels like. Talk about it with your partner, journal about it, um, see patterns when this tends to come up the most. If it comes up maybe when you come back from an event, then you know that can give you some ideas of how to address it. But um yeah, you're you're definitely not alone to I felt this very, very much when we had the Dom Sub Dynamics Summit. Um, so the the summit was uh a whole week where we had these amazing presentations online from these different amazing creators. And so I hosted the whole thing. If you want to check out the replays, you can. It's at domsubdynamics.com. But it was an intense week. So, you know, I'm in front of the computer, you know, I'm taking notes too, watching all these presentations, interacting with people in the chat. It it was it was a lot a lot. And on top of it, you know, I have kids, I have my you know, regular submissive tasks that I do, you know, and you know, I have my own hobbies and life that I want to live. And so at the end of the week, I I did crash. Um, so there was some things, some precautions that we took to going into it. So these are things you can do as well. Like if you know that you're gonna have this maybe convention that you're going to on the weekend, or that you have um a meetup that you're going to, you can put these different safeguards in place. And so one of them was making sure that I had downtime. So making sure that in the morning I was able to do at least a five-minute meditation that really helped. And so whatever that self-care looks like for you, can you can implement something like that and making sure you're not neglecting that. Um, and so, you know, I have my regular tasks, submissive tasks that I was doing that week, but Jay wanted to give me something specific on top of it, not to add more to my plate, but just to help me remember why I was doing these things and why I was wanting to better the BDSM community with this huge online summit that I was doing. And so he gave me a very specific task each day, but he knew that it would only take like less than five minutes. And so it was just something to quickly center me because being a submissive is for my benefit. I do it because I like it and I need it and I need it to survive. And so having this small little task each day that was less than five minutes that I can complete just really like helped to snap me back instead of just feeling like I was a chicken with my head cut off. So you have to feel uh figure out what that is going to be for you, what little self-care things you can do. Um, but there's some other things you can do too. So one of the biggest ways um to kind of combat this is really just to be flexible. So maybe you had a big scene plan at the end of the week. Maybe you have to reschedule it, and that's not gonna be the end of the world. Um, so just really taking into account your energy and taking things moment by moment too, and having flexibility with your protocols. There's been, you know, everybody thinks I'm like this perfect sub, but there's been so many times where I've had to tell Jay, like, I can't do this right now. You know, this task that you want me to do, like, I'm sorry, you know, is there any way we can change it or I can do it tomorrow? You know, it's okay for me to speak up, you know, as long as I do so respectfully. And I think a lot of times as submissives, we think we have to be perfect. And that's not what our our Doms want. I think if we did everything and anything that our Dom wanted us to do, then it would almost show like our Dom isn't doing enough. Like if I could easily do every single task that Jay, you know, put in front of me, then I think that would almost mean like he's not challenging me. So the fact, the fact that you are, you know, floundering a little bit, I think is a good sign that that maybe you're seeing what your max is, and that's good. And so it's just learning to back off a little bit. And I think another thing that helps is having boundaries. And so what boundaries really are are clear like separations. So you're 24-7, you're TPE. So this is going to be in all aspects of your life, like it is for me, like at all times I am a submissive, but it's learning kind of when you turn it on, not when you like act on it and when you don't, and having maybe spaces of time where you and your partner knows like this is your time that yes, you are still a submissive during that time, but it's not a time for scenes, it's not a time for tasks, um, different things like that. So just having these sacred times that are your times, I think will really help too. And have a support network. Um, you're in the Dom Subliving community, so that is great. So definitely rely on that. Reach out to other members, you know, post in there, you know, see, you know, if anyone else has struggled with these things too. Um, make friends in the um Um, kink community and real life too, I think will help, you know, because like you said, a lot of times we eat and and breathe and you know, sleep all these things, but because we feel so isolated too. And even if you're going to, you know, these big events and sometimes like that, it that could be overwhelming. We need more smaller, intimate, one-on-one connections with people. Um, I think after the pandemic, we all kind of went on this, you know, overload of, you know, we're gonna go to conventions and big events again. And I think a lot of us are getting burned out from that. You know, we were sick of, you know, just being at home with just our partner, and then we went really big after that. And so I think there's a middle ground that we need to um kind of settle into that will really help. But another thing you can do is going to see a kink-friendly therapist too, to really help you and getting some guidance there. You know, Dom some training members have the whole resource guide of kink-friendly therapists and how to find them in your area. But I think, you know, getting outside help will will really um help you in this regard. But you may need to reassess things too. You know, look at write down all the things that you like, all the things that like maybe you're you're struggling with and just take a really good look. Is there something you can ease up on? You know, I'm not saying you stop being 24-7 and stop being TPE, but maybe the actual things you're doing is just becoming too much. You know, maybe you are going to too many events, maybe you're doing too many scenes. Um, you know, only you know what your limit is. So you don't have to give up the 24-7 lifestyle. It's just, you know, that's still gonna be your identity. It's just the amount of things that you're actually doing instead of just being. So I hope that helped. I I think you're on a really good track though. Okay, our next question is from Katie, and she says, Any advice about how to triage DMs? So, like direct messages on different social media platforms. I don't even get all that much attention, but when I do, it often feels like it's not the kind I'm looking for, or it's possibly even unsafe to pursue in some cases. Are there any best practices you go by when being approached by unknown people? So Katie was actually talking about a particular popular kink platform, but really this can work for all different kinds of kink platforms or dating profile apps and things like that. So, yes, before I respond to them, I always go back and look at their actual profile and I see if I can, you know, just get a good vibe from them basically. Are there any inconsistencies, anything that are just like huge red flags, turnoffs, you know? So I don't even have to respond right away. I can just kind of see what they've already posted to kind of get a vibe from them. If they have other social media links posted, I will go and check out those. Um, sometimes that's been really helpful because how a person presents on one app is not the same as how they present on another app. And so that has saved me a few times. And so if they they post the different social media platforms that they're on, you know, definitely check those out too before you respond. So some red flags right off the bat is maybe if they have like an incomplete profile, like they haven't taken the time or the effort to really even fill out their profile. Um, you know, and this isn't always the case, but it's just something to keep in mind. You know, if you're going, if you're getting a lot of DMs, you know, you do have to be kind of picky. Um, another thing is to always check how new their um their profile is. If they are fairly new, it could be because that it is a fake or an unsafe profile. Maybe they just got deleted, you know, a month ago and they just created a new one and they're kind of in that cycle of getting banned and creating a new one. So definitely check out how um new their profile even is. And another thing you really want to look out for is just aggressive or pushy behavior. So if someone's like overly aggressive, really wanting a response from you, you know, constantly saying like, hello, are you still there? Like, you don't want to have to deal with that. Um, and then again, just if they're there's like inconsistency in their profile or their stories or the conversations you're saying, you know, that could be a a red flag too. And as far as like triaging too, because I get a lot of messages on these things, is um if someone is just saying hi or hey, hello, I'm not gonna respond to that because again, we're getting so many DMs and messages from people. And if someone doesn't have the time to like tell me who they are, what they want, what why they're even messaging me, um then that is I'm usually not gonna respond to that. Um I got a message from someone the other day and it was just like, hey. And I know like in real life, someone would, you know, say hey, and I would say hey, back, and then you'd start a conversation. But when we're talking about dating apps and social media profiles, like that's not how things um progress in a conversation. They they need to say what it is they want, what you know, what's their reason for communicating with you. So if it is just a hi, a hey, I just always delete those really quick. Um and their profile picture too, like depending on the app and like the one you mentioned, like if it is just a um, you know, uh a nude picture of their genitalia, I'm just gonna delete that. I don't have time for that. So um I don't want to have to even deal with that. So that you know, could be your preference too, that maybe you want a more thoughtful profile picture too. So um you know what your red flags are, what your level of ick is. So you have to just really trust your gut. And and that's my biggest piece of advice is you know, probably even in all the tons of messages that you get that you pick up on even something, um, whether it's their profile picture, that first sentence they said to you, or you go and look at their whole profile, that you can, you know, trust your intuition. You probably have already sensed that. And so just definitely lean into that and trust that. Okay, Nikki says, we're trying to figure out ways to bring the lifestyle more into our everyday life. We both work, but also have a pretty tight budget. What are some tasks or treats you can recommend that don't involve changing the chore dynamic that works so well right now or going out and spending a bunch of money? So I kind of mentioned some of these in the previous comments, but just congrats on wanting to take things into you know the out of the bedroom and onto that next level and just into your daily life. That's just really, really exciting. And so definitely just enjoy the ride. But as far as daily rituals and protocols, so definitely start with things like morning and evening rituals and things maybe you're already doing. So how you're greeting each other, what you're you know, doing throughout the day, when you're waking up, when you're going to bed, um, when you're eating different meals, start with those. And it's just all about how you do them and just doing it with more intentional, um, intentionalness. So, and have regular check-ins too. This is like one of my best tips for making that switch, is because a lot of times we think, okay, now we're 24-7, we're out of the bedroom, and this is gonna be great. There's gonna be so many bumps along the way that you're gonna have to account for and things that come up that you didn't know were gonna come up. So I would say pick a day and have a check-in where you can both just kind of talk freely about what's working and what's not working. And then as far as different things you can do that aren't gonna or the like mess up the dynamic you already have or the, you know, you know, the budget that you already have. So just using different verbal affirmations can be really good using your your titles and your honorifics. So um, you know, depending on, you know, if there's children around and and how you do that, but you can still have honorifics even around children depending on what they are. Um, and just, you know, being more in your role and being more aware, I think really helps. Um, you can have different daily affirmations you do, different things you say, and this can be something you either say to your partner or say to yourself. You can even write, you know, notes to each other and just different things you can acknowledge. Um, and then I would say too, like one of the best ways for like treats or rewards is just having time together. Like that isn't expensive at all. And and even as a reward, you can have time to yourself. So maybe you know, you get complete alone time for you know an hour as a treat, or you get, you know, a special scene at the end of the week, um, or just even pedal time. So different ways that you can just be together and just be in each other's presence um can really be beneficial too. I think too, um, what really helps is for on the submissive standpoint, having a task again that doesn't cost any money and doesn't really disrupt anything, but it's asking for permission. So maybe you have a chore that you do. So even if it's as simple as something like vacuuming, let's take vacuuming, that before you do it, that you, you know, approach your partner and ask for permission to do this task first. And they have to grant permission for you to do it. So even though it's your chore, you maybe you've done it, you know, for the past five years, but now it's it's more a part of your dynamic. You're having to ask permission to do this. And maybe you can put a little kink in there and you know, make it more into BDSM. So like wearing things like Benoit balls while you're vacuuming can kind of just make it, you know, more about your kink relationship too, or not wearing, you know, panties or underwear under your clothes while you're doing these things. So it's just taking what you already do and making it a part of the lifestyle. But I hope that at least got you started with some things you can do. Um, I know you mentioned you both work too, so you know, sending each other different text messages throughout the day to just really stay in that headspace. Maybe you have a certain time of day that you each can text each other. Um, and just really taking that mindset out of the bedroom is just the biggest thing. It's not so much what you're doing, but it's how you're thinking and seeing yourself now as you know, that you're full-time. So even having things like a collar can can really help that you wear all the time, can help keep you in that mindset too. So there's just tons of different tasks you can add, journaling, kneeling, you know, all these things that that don't cost money. Um, you know, writing lines too, you know, you mentioned treats, but there's also punishments too. So it's not all about rewards, you know, maybe that you have aspects of discipline in there too. So um yeah, it's just a matter of getting creative and seeing what you already do. But hopefully this was enough to get you started. So I also got a ton of questions about how Jay and I manage our dynamic while having kids and being parents, and we got some questions about degradation too. So definitely hit subscribe because I will be covering those in future episodes. Okay, I think that wraps us up. Wow, we went in so many different directions. We talked about keeping things new and fresh. We talked about rituals and scenes, we talked about handling DMs, dealing with burnout, we talked about easy and cheap ways to take the dynamic out of the bedroom and so many areas. I hope that this conversation was interesting. And I just want to again thank you so much for being a part of this community, for being a listener of the show. If you haven't yet, take a minute to make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss any future episodes. Like I said, we have some really good episodes coming up that you don't want to miss. And of course, if you want to ask a question for the next time we do an episode like this, make sure that you are inside our Dom Simplev community. It's linked up in the show notes and show description for you. So join us inside. There are so many amazing Kingsters just like you wanting to connect. And so many beautiful relationships and friendships have been formed inside of that community and that safe space. Join us inside of it, and of course, until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom's Living.