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Are you struggling to balance your dom-sub relationship while raising kids? Maybe you find it hard to keep the spark alive without crossing boundaries. I'm Alessandra, and in today's episode, we're tackling the do's and don'ts of being a parent who's kinky, and I'm going to be giving you practical tips to maintain your dynamic while still creating a safe, loving environment for your children. So stick around because you do not want to miss this. Welcome to the Dom Subliving Podcast. Before we begin, I want to tell you about my free kink personality type quiz. Over 12,000 people have taken it, and you can take it at DomSubliving.com slash quiz. You'll discover your unique personality type and get a personalized action plan and tips. And you can take it for free at Domsubliving.com slash quiz. So this question of how to enjoy BDSM and kink while you still have children, especially while you still have children at home, comes up so often as a kink instructor. It is one of the top questions that I get asked all the time because I am a parent. So I have a lot of experience in this because my Dom and I have been practicing BDSM for a while now. So we have two young boys, and so we've been in the lifestyle while these kids have been toddlers, tweens, and now even teens. So we have a lot of experience in living the lifestyle while trying to keep it under wraps, trying to make it so they aren't exposed to these things that we're doing. So I'm going to be sharing a lot of tips and a lot of personal hacks too that I have used over the years. So here's a quick rundown of some of the things we'll be covering. So different tasks and rewards that are suitable around kids, handling a 24-7 relationship in front of them, managing noise from impact scenes, and the key do's and don'ts. So first up, let's talk about the different tasks and rewards that are suitable to do around kids and that they won't pick up on because you want to have like a subtle DS dynamic around them. And so there's different tasks and rewards that are really discreet and even kind of family friendly. So you can really brainstorm a lot of these things. I know you're probably doing a lot already, but you're just so paranoid that your kids are going to pick up on it. But I can assure you that you are worrying about it more than they are picking up on it. But some things you can do are just different verbal affirmations, different things you can say either on your own or with your partner, different subtle hand gestures. So you may have your own little hand gesture or hand movement or a certain look that means a certain thing in your dynamic. Um, just different non-sexual service tasks, too. You know, a lot of things that are just look like chores on the surface. You can put them into your DS practice. And even something as simple as wearing a collar, like I'm wearing a collar right now. So your kids probably won't pick up on that. Or even if they ask, you can just tell them that it's a necklace that you have decided that you wanted to start wearing. But I wanted to share um a story about one subtle task that I've been doing, you know, throughout the whole dynamic, pretty much. And that is um giving my dominant coffee in the morning on the weekends when he's home from work. And so I've talked about this, you know, so many times about this is a task that I do. But when I I started doing it, um, I made it more of a ritual for my dom. And so I would, you know, make his coffee, pour it to, you know, pour it in the cup, and then I would bring it to him with my head bowed and tell him, here's your coffee, sir. And so this was something I could do in front of the children, but at first the children were almost like, what's going on here? Like, usually dad makes his own coffee and why are you calling him sir? So we just kind of played it off that it was funny. And that's really something you can do too. Just use humor and just tell them, you know, oh, I just thought it was, you know, a silly thing to start doing it this way and calling him sir. Um, so again, you're probably more worried about making a scene in front of your children than they're your kids think that you're you're silly and uncool, anyways. And so they're not gonna pick up on these things. They're just gonna probably, depending on the age, they're probably just gonna roll their eyes and just say, Oh, this is another stupid thing that mom and dad do. But um, but yeah, so I just give him his coffee, you know, with my head bowed and tell him, Here is your coffee, sir. And, you know, in the beginning, they kind of make a joke about it and we'll call him sir sometimes too. Um, a lot of times I call him daddy too, but with the the coffee tasks, it just seems more high protocol. And so I will tend to use sir in those more high protocol tasks, but that is just one thing that we've done. So there's, you know, just so many more. You know, I have my own personal tasks that even the children know I do. So obviously journaling every day, meditation, those are all things that you know, healthy adults should be doing anyway. So I'm kind of proud that they they see me doing these things and and know that I do them. So I'm not, you know, worried about it at all. And we talked about using different hand signs or different gestures or looks that you can give your partner, but there's a lot of other ways you can kind of communicate discreetly. So a lot of times we'll just send each other texts even while the you know the kids are right there in front of us. So we can have our own kinky conversation and they don't don't even know what's going on. You know, sometimes my my Dom will text me in front of the kids and say, like, you better watch it or, you know, make some kind of you know threat as my Dom for, you know, whatever behavior I'm doing that I need to quit and get back on track and be more my submissive role. So these are all things happening behind the scenes that they don't even know. So there's tons of different apps for this. If you're a DOM subtraining member, you know, definitely check out the resource guide and check out all of our recommended apps there too. And as a parent, you want to be really mindful of balancing your two roles. So, you know, whether you're a DOM or a submissive, and then whatever your your parent role is too. So you really have to find balance. And when we talk about balance, we really talk about boundaries that, you know, even though I'm a submissive all the time, and I'm a parent and I'm a mom all the time, that I have boundaries of the things I will do or not do according to the situation. So for example, if I'm doing something like homework with the kids, that wouldn't be a time to, you know, do some kinky task. And it's the same. If I'm doing a kinky task, you know, in my bedroom or during a scene, those aren't times that I'm actively in my parent role. So you know you and your family best and what areas are kind of off limits, you know, maybe it is homework time, maybe it's um dinner time. I know we like to eat together as a family every night whenever we can. So those times are sacred. Maybe it's when your children get off of school, that that's your one-on-one time with the children or bed times. And so you create these times that are really just for you to be in that parent role. So even though you're a dom or a sub, you know, all the time, that really the actions that you're doing and focusing on are those parental roles. Um, and then during the kinky times, during the scene times, again, those are times when you were actively in either your Dom or your sub-role in a way that can help. So we've had this role since the kids were even children, like baby, baby, babies. So we wouldn't allow our kids to have any toy, keep any toys in our bedrooms because we always wanted that to be our room. And then as the kids grew up, they always knew that. Like if they brought a toy in and were talking with us and playing with it, like that toy always had to leave. So we didn't keep any toys in our room. Another role that I do is I don't have any pictures of my children in my bedroom because we do do a lot of scenes in the bedroom. Um, and I don't want to have pictures of my kids in the bedroom. Again, that is my sacred place where I do scenes, and so I don't have pictures of them in there either. So we have pictures in other places of the house, but in our bedroom, that's that's just a sacred place for our dynamic. And another thing to keep in mind when balancing your roles is you want to really have a united front with your partner. So, especially if your partner is also the parent of the children, too. Um, you really want to have this united front. So, you know, discipline with the kids, what um privileges they can have, different roles, you know, what bedtime is and things like that. You want to have this united front because if you have kids, you know that they like to divide and conquer. They will go, um, like in our case, a lot of times they'll they'll go to dad. And if dad doesn't tell them the response they want, then they come to me, or vice versa, and they try to sometimes pit us against each other too. So they'll say, like, well, dad said this or mom said this. And you know, with mom, she always does it this way. So they really they're smart, and so you have to be careful of that. And so when you're trying to have a dom sub role, you have to be so mindful that you're not battling each other because of the children. And so you want to have that united front. But always you should be prioritizing the children's needs and their safety, making sure they have a safe and loving environment at all times. So, yes, you deserve time as a couple, but that should never come at an expense of the kid's um health and well-being. And so that is just one very important thing to keep in mind. And even if you're in a 24-7 dynamic, you really have to work hard at making sure that the intimate aspects of your dynamic stay private and not exposing the children to that. Um, as children get older, they know more and more about sex. And you should have that open dialogue about sex, of course, depending on you know their age, you know, but starting, you know, when they're babies, there's conversations about consent and what is okay and what is not okay, and naming different body body parts. So children should have a knowledge of sex. And then as they get older into their teen years, again, you know, where we're at now is with the teen years. So we're talking about a lot of things about consent, um, and just you know, what is appropriate, what's not appropriate, how to respect someone. So it's really an ongoing process. But one way to ensure that you know your private life stays private, that you're not exposing your children is just a lot of practical things. So keeping a lock on the door. And then one thing that we trained our children since they were able to walk, basically, is that whenever they saw the door close, that they always had to knock. And so that's something that we mirrored too with our children that, you know, when their door is shut, that we always knock because we want to show them that they deserve that courtesy too. So, but obviously, kids forget sometimes they're super excited and they come charging in the room to show you their latest Lego set creation. So that's why having a good lock on the door is so important. And toys too. So you don't want to have them out. I know sometimes it's really hard when we're cleaning toys and they have to air dry, but you know, having somewhere in a drawer that maybe you can put them away. Um, we have like a very large toy chess that we make sure it has locks on, and that way they can't dig in there and find things. But a question I get asked a lot, especially because I am 24-7, is a lot of people ask me, well, aren't you worried that you are exposing your children to this and giving them a painting a bad picture of what a relationship looks like, or even especially what a marriage looks like, and um, you know, how a woman should be treated. And, you know, because on the surface, we look like we have a very traditional relationship, with you know, me, the woman being in the submissive role, and the the husband, the dominant being in the dominant role, obviously. So, you know, kind of that head of household thing. And so a lot of people will tell me, well, isn't that creating stereotypes for your children? So we have a a lot of conversations in my house, um, you know, especially because I am the only woman in the house. I do want to make sure that we are raising very well-educated men in this house. So we have a lot of conversations about consent and respect and communication. And, you know, we've had so many conversations about how, even though this is how we do it, this is because we have chosen it, I have chosen it, I have consented to it. And it doesn't work for everyone that there are some families where the the mother is the one taking the more of the lead in the household, or it is more equal. And so we we make sure too that they have, you know, friends of different, you know, kind of dynamics too, you know, outside our our little friend group. And so it and we're not talking, you know, negatively about those arrangements too. We're not saying like, oh, you know, I can tell who really wears the pants in the family and things like that, you know, making those little snarky comments like that. We want to make sure that they know that all dynamics and relationships are valid, and that the main thing is that they're based on respect and communication and consent. And I think the main thing is that they they see us happy. So they know that this is again something we've chosen, but we've chosen it for our good, that that this dynamic, this arrangement that we have actually does make us happy and it benefits us. And so, you know, making sure that you're, you know, staying positive with your children and showing affection to your, you know, spouse or your partner so they can see and you know what a loving relationship looks like, and still being loving and affectionate with your children too, giving them hugs if they are okay with that. And, you know, just different ways that you can model affection with them as well. But kids ask questions all the time, so make sure you don't brush it off or just say that's not appropriate, you know, especially if it's a sex question. You never want to tell a child that's that's not an that's not appropriate. You shouldn't ask that, um, or that's private. We don't want to shame sex. Um, we want to make sure that it's something that they know they can openly talk about and that they don't have to feel bad asking these questions. So, again, when you're answering them, you want to answer them in an age-appropriate way, but definitely know that they're open to talking to you. And so, again, don't brush off their questions. A lot of times, just give them a simple, simple answer that's age appropriate. Um, a lot of times when we come back with these big, long, drawn-out responses, a lot of times at the end they're just bored and even forgot about what they even asked. And so they'll think, like, well, I'm not gonna ask them a question again. I'm just gonna get bored out of my mind. So you just want to give them a simple question, even like praise them for asking the question and letting them know they can ask you anything else in the future. So, now the the really juicy part about managing noise and different impact scenes and how we can do that. So, obviously, the first thing I'm gonna say is soundproof your room. And so there's so many ways to do this. You don't have to go hardcore where they're wondering, like, what the heck are you doing to your room? But just even little things like having curtains and rugs. And nowadays, too, you can get so many soundproofing panels and things that are actually decorative. So definitely invest in all the things that you can. Pillows, all those things are your friend. Um, you know, if you are living in that, you know, if you own the house that you're living in, definitely invest in good insulation. Invest in that. So insulation is your friend. So um another thing you can do that we have done is when the kids aren't home, have one of have your partner be in the bedroom and you're, you know, down the hallway in the kids' room, in the kitchen or whatever, and have your partner with the the bedroom door close make like like spanking sounds like really loud. And if you're in the other room and you can hear that, then you know that your insulation isn't that good and you need to step it up. Um, some other things you can do is if you are doing things like spanking, doing them under a blanket and that'll help muffle it too. But if you're like, I have no control over the soundproofing of my room, or it's just it is what it is, or maybe you're in a situation like you're going camping and the kids' tent is right next to the grown-up tent, there are still some things that you can do that are, you know, BDSM and impact and things like that. So different things like um biting can be one. So, of course, the submissive partner has to learn to be very silent when these things are going on, which can be a huge task in it in and of itself. So sometimes that is the bondage of just trying to remain as quiet as possible. So, again, biting the Wartenberg wheel, um, using clothespins, um, even if you do have a loud sub, you can use things like ball gags, but definitely explore other things that aren't pain or impact, impact play. So um, things like rope bondage, so like shabari, those are quiet and can be just as fulfilling during a scene, too. And then what do you do if your children, heaven forbid, walk in on you? So this is every parent's nightmare that they are going to be doing a scene and their children will walk in on them. So what do you do? Well, first of all, don't freak out. So again, if you are freaking out and saying, Oh my god, shut the door, shut the door, how you know, you're supposed to knock and you start yelling at your child, they are going to think that whatever they saw and was happening was horrible and bad. And they are going to feel horrible and bad that they witnessed it, that they walked in on it. So again, you know, try, I know it's easier said than done, but don't do that knee-jerk reaction of yelling and shouting. You know, you want to, you know, quickly cover up or just, you know, let them know, like, hey, can you shut the door and knock? You know, as nonchalantly as you can. But after they've closed the door and you get dressed, you put the things away, have a conversation with your kids. And you want to both have the conversation. So you and the other parent or you and your partner, and just really try to not feel embarrassed or guilty. Again, all these negative things, even though you may be feeling them, try not to show them. You just want to be as nonchalant as hat as possible. Just let them know hey, I I saw that you walked in while we were doing some stuff. Do you have any questions about that? You know, what are you thinking? What are you feeling right now? Because again, we don't even know what they maybe have even seen, or they may be just oblivious. Or they may have been thinking about that cool Lego set that they wanted to show you. And so they're not even thinking things. And so if we start going into, well, you know that that big bar you saw, that was called a spreader bar. And that thing around mommy's mouth, that was called a gag. And that this is what is true. You know, they may not even be thinking these things. So it's always best to kind of gauge what it is that they saw, what it is they're thinking. So once you've gotten that out of the way, just really say, oh, it's just something that, you know, we do and it feels good for us and it makes us happy. It's something that other adults do, but it's an adult thing. And so that's why we like to do it in our bedroom. And, you know, that's why we don't want people walking in. So next time, can you please make sure that you um knock on the door? So, you know, if you're criticizing me right now and you think like she doesn't know what she's talking about, she's corrupting her children. Like, I do have a degree in child development. I don't always talk about that that much, but child development is um one of my passions. I've homeschooled my children even, but um, you know, so I do have some education in child development, lots of training and how to speak to children too. Um, I probably should have mentioned all this at the beginning, but I was a preschool teacher for a few years before we had kids. And so definitely had a lot of training on how to talk to children, and that is always one of the biggest things. Like always see what they're thinking first, what they know, and then you know, gauge it from there. Um, and you don't have to keep volunteering information. If they ask, like say about the the ball gag, and say, what was that that you know they were wearing? You know, to say, oh, it's just something that grown-ups wear sometimes, you know, when they're, you know, in their bedroom together with their partner, you know, but we were enjoying ourselves, everybody was having fun, and you know, but again, we just really want privacy. And a lot of times to these kids, it just looks like dress up. And that's another way you can word it too. Like we were just playing dress up with, you know, grown-up dress-up clothes. And so, but next time we'd really like some privacy. So this is gonna be an awkward conversation, more so for you than them. They're gonna go about their day, go back to their Lego set, and can care less. And you will remember that story for like the rest of your life. And the child will more than likely even forget about it. That even when that child becomes an adult and you can say, hey, remember that time when you walked in on, you know, me and dad, or you know, whoever it was, they'll probably be like, What are you talking about? The kids are in their their own little world. So don't worry too much about it. But hopefully those tips kind of helped a little bit about what to do if they do happen to walk in on you. But there are some steps to take so that that hopefully that doesn't happen. So you need to schedule and plan your scenes as much as possible. You know, if there's grandparents in the area, that's always going to be super helpful. We always loved when the kids can go to grandma's that or or go to a friend's house. Um, trying to arrange that as often as possible is always going to be beneficial. You can also um do things when the children are asleep or taking naps, or even when they're in the shower, that's that's always a good time for us because when um, you know, maybe one kid's over at a friend's house, but one kid's in the shower, and the shower, you know, obviously is noisy in and of itself. So if there is impact play happening in the other room, they're not gonna hear it. Um, a lot of times they're listening to their their music too. Um, kids nowadays, I feel so old saying that, but kids nowadays, you know, they're on things like Minecraft and they, you know, get them really good gamer headphones. That was one of our things. Noise canceling gamer headphones. You know, they'll they'll think it's the coolest thing. You'll be, you know, their favorite parent. And just get them those headphones and encourage them to use them during those times. Um, even just letting them know, like, hey, you know, we're gonna take a nap. Can you can you be quiet? Can you listen to your your headphones? Um, and so that's another thing you can do. Um, you can even do quick things. Like we, we, when the kids were really younger, we when the the mail carrier would come and drop off the mail, we had our our mailbox down at the sh um at the sidewalk. And so we tell the kids, like, oh, the mail's here, go race and get the mail and you know, see who can get the mail first and come back to the door really quick. And so that would take, you know, 10 seconds for them to rush out the door, run and and come back. But in that time, like as soon as the door closed, like Jay would turn me around really quick, you know, give me some good, you know, spankings right there. And, you know, it's super, super hard because they weren't in the house. And within 10 second 10 seconds, you know, I got a really good spanking. He was able to get that out of his system too. So just stealing those little moments whenever you can, letting them play outside. Um, you'll be a happier parent because you will have enjoyed yourself. And so it's just, you know, helps the family all around. And then as the kids got older and we were able to leave them home for like an hour or two hours at a time, we would go on drives and we'd just tell them, you know, we're gonna go for a drive or we're gonna go get a coffee. And we go for a drive and we'd find somewhere super secluded and do a little mini scene in the car. So those are always things you you can do too. Um, you just have to get creative. And that's I think one of the the hidden blessings of being a parent is that it makes you think out of the box that you now have to get creative and and instead of just doing the the same old, same old thing all the time, you really have to, you know, think, how am I gonna make this work long time? How I'm how am I gonna keep things fresh and exciting and exciting when we have kids? So um definitely just keep brainstorming and finding new ways to make things kinky. So now we're gonna cover some key do's and don'ts. So the first do that you definitely want to do is to communicate openly with your partner. So that way you're both on the same page about what is acceptable and not acceptable to do in front of the children, um, especially if your partner is not the parent of the children. You want to make sure that they know what the rules are with the children, what is okay to discuss with them, what is not okay to discuss with them, um, and just have a game plan and be on the same page. And then the other do is to make sure that you prioritize the children's well-being and their emotional security too. That should always be your main goal is making sure that you're raising healthy and happy um children. So always having that in the back of your mind and not just saying, well, this is my lifestyle and I'm gonna live openly, and they just have to accept it that your children's safety and that includes their emotional safety, physical safety. So, especially if you have toys out too that are things like, you know, electro stimulation, you don't want to leave those around where they can hurt themselves on those. And um, so just being aware at all times that that is your goal of keeping your child safe physically and emotionally. And the other do is to really educate yourself about age-appropriate discussion. So, like I said, you know, I've taken classes on child development, been able to kind of pass down that information to Jay, but you really need to be educating yourself as an as a parent and what is appropriate to discuss with children and keeping yourself, you know, abreast of all the knowledge too. So things are constantly changing, especially in terms of consent and even gender and sexuality. So make sure that you stay educated so you can discuss these things appropriately with your children. So now let's move to the don'ts. So the biggest don't is don't expose children to explicit scenes or discussions or gear. Again, you're not gonna be perfect, but definitely try your best not to expose them. Because remember, consent is the cornerstone of all BDSM activities. And so your children haven't consented to any of this, and their children, they can't consent. So we want to make sure that we are trying their best not to expose them to any of these things. So, you know, again, minimizing sound, putting our toys away, and just the language and the conversations we're using outside of the bedroom, even if you're a 24-7 dynamic, to make sure that you're not exposing your children to your lifestyle. And don't neglect the importance of non-DS family dynamics. So still making time for non-DS things. So, you know, again, things like having a daily dinner time together, taking family walks and you know, family game nights, just doing these different things, vacation, so that the children can see that you are a well-rounded individual and that your relationship with your partner is well-rounded and healthy, and they can really see what a healthy, dynamic relationship looks like, and they know that they are part of that family. And then another don't is to don't use your children as a reason to disregard your partner's needs. So, one thing we always kept in mind when the children were born was that our dynamic as parents, as husband and wife, and now as dom sub, that our our relationship is really the foundation of the family. So if our foundation isn't solid, that we can't really be good parents. And then the other thing is too, you only have your children for like 18 years. It's gonna be gone in the blink of an eye. Even with our children, it just I sound so old saying this, but it just seems like the other day they were just toddlers running around and now they're they're stinky teenage boys. So um, kids grow up so fast. And I remember when I was a teenager and I graduated from high school, just so many of my friends' parents got divorced like as soon as the kids turned 18 and left the house. And I remember thinking, when I get married, I don't want that to happen. You see, so many parents that don't prioritize their relationship, and they're just you know struggling behind the scenes and just waiting for um a way out. And then when the kid turns 18, they they separate. So you really have to have that strong foundation. And so, yes, we're prioritizing the children's safety and their happiness and you know their emotional well-being, but we don't want to put our children um ahead of our partners because they are really that that foundation. And you've made that commitment with your your partner. And yes, you are always going to be a parent to your your children, but someday they'll probably be a parent themselves. And so you don't want to neglect that relationship that you have with your partner um just because of your children. So again, like I know this is like a mixed signal, but yes, you have to prioritize your children's happiness and safety. And you have that role as a parent, but you don't want to use it as a way to disregard your partner's needs because they do have needs. So you need to make sure you're doing things like regular scenes, um, check-ins, maintenance bankings, if that you know is consented in your dynamic. Having things like tasks, daily tasks, weekly tasks, uh punishments and rewards, and having all those things and not using being a parent as an excuse, like, oh, well, you know, I we're too busy with soccer practice and band practice and you know, to do any of those things. You really do have to put your relationship first because that is the foundation. And when you're a happy, you know, partner and spouse and a Dom or a sub, then that will really show in your role as a parent. So we covered tasks and rewards that you can do around your kids, how to handle a 24-7 relationship around your kids and managing noise and sounds from impact play. So I hope these tips and these hacks help you on your journey. So I know that being a parent is a hard job, and that being in a DOM sub-relationship when you're a parent is even harder. But I want to assure you that you can balance the two, that parenting is possible with careful planning and a ton of communication. But I'd be super curious to know. Let me know in the comments how you've been able to manage kids while being kinky. Let me know if you have any tips or hacks, and that way we can all help out each other. And remember, I have that free kink personality type quiz. Over 12,000 people have taken it, and you can take it at domsumpliving.com slash quiz. You'll discover your unique kink personality type and get a personalized action plan and tips. And you can take it for free at domsubliv.com slash quiz. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Sub Living community. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the description and show notes. And be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.