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Do you feel like your disability is holding you back from fully embracing your BDSM lifestyle? Well, you're not alone. Many disabled Kingsters, including myself, face unique challenges in the BDSM community. But the truth is, you can still have an empowering and fulfilling and kinky journey. I'm Alessandra, and in this episode, I'm going to share practical tips and inspiring stories to help you navigate BDSM with confidence and ease. So stay tuned because your journey is just beginning. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living podcast. So I have been in the BDSM lifestyle with my partner for over a decade now. And unfortunately, a lot of that time has been dealing with disability and different chronic illnesses. I know I've shared here before a lot about the different chronic illnesses I've had, you know, stemming a lot from a past cancer diagnosis that I had. I had non-Hodgkin's stage four lymphoma. So that was not fun. That was about 18 years ago, but um the results of that have just brought a host of chronic illnesses. So everything ranging from thyroidism to asthma to um heart arrhythmias to um a low immune system. So um you name it, I kind of got it from that. Um, but the other thing I really haven't shared is that I do have a um an actual disability that you know counts me as disabled. So that is reflex sympathetic dystrophy or RSD for short. And um, it's a little confusing even to me. So that's why I don't like so much talking about it because it's hard to explain and it's um it's just a really weird disease. So um I'm I'm gonna just kind of gloss over some things, but basically it stemmed from an injury in my in my foot, and so I would get um nerve blocks and different medications to kind of treat it. But what it is, is it's like a chronic pain condition that um in some days are better than others, some days I'm in remission, some days, you know, it's fine, you know, and that's why I have such a hard time explaining this to people, because I will talk about things, how I go running and I enjoy exercise, but the next day I never know when it hits me, and I could be laid up in bed or even unable to walk and be in a wheelchair because the pain from walking and standing on my feet just hurts so bad. So that is something I have dealt with. Again, I haven't really shared, but um, but now you know. So I really wanted to do this episode because I know um, you know, you or maybe someone you know may be dealing with, you know, either chronic illnesses or a disability in this kink lifestyle. And I am sure you have a lot of questions. But the purpose of this episode is really just to guide and empower individuals who are dealing with disability and trying to live the BDSM lifestyle. So we're going to be covering a lot in this episode. We're going to be talking about inclusiveness in the BDSM community, practical tips for navigating your disability in this lifestyle, how to adapt different practices, and how you can find different support and resources, and sharing more about my personal story, but also the stories of some of my students and members, too, and just all of the different challenges that can come up when you are practicing kink and you have a disability and just to over how to overcome those challenges. So being disabled in the the context of BDSM, because I'm sure if you've had a disability, you've known how that affects all your different aspects of life. But now we're going to be talking about how that pertains to practicing BDSM. So a disability in regards to BDSM is really just any impairment that you have that can affect your ability to enjoy the lifestyle. So this can be things like physical ailments, um, different sensory ailments. So, like even things like, you know, being deaf or blind, um, or even cognitive impairments. So things like autism or even Down syndrome. So dealing with a disability can involve unique challenges that others may not face in regards to just staying safe. There's different things you have to think about when you're talking about consent and just um how you enjoy power dynamics. And unfortunately, there's a lot of myths and misconceptions when it comes to being disabled and enjoying this lifestyle. So, one of the biggest myths or even stereotypes that I hear, and and probably you hear, is just that people who are disabled can't or even shouldn't practice BDSM. Um, a lot of times people will think that this is a liability, that they're more likely to get hurt or even taken advantage of, especially in terms of cognitive issues. Um, I know even just in the vanilla world, people are coming to terms more with um different cognitive disabilities. Um, again, I mentioned, you know, autism and even Down syndrome, that you know people are now starting to catch on that these people can live normal, healthy lives just like the rest of us. So BDSM is kind of on the tail end of that and just now starting to be more inclusive to those groups as well. But the biggest myth I hear all the time from people is that the BDSM community won't be accepting of them, that if they have a disability, you know, whether it's something like a wheelchair or a cane, or maybe their disability is due to old age, that they think that they just won't fit in. And so I want to assure you that you are welcome in the BDSM community. This is the whole reason I'm doing this episode. So we're gonna dive into some more of the details of how you can make sure that you are enjoying BDSM to the fullest. But yeah, this is gonna be a great episode. So let's first talk about why inclusivity is so important in the BDSM lifestyle. Um, BDSM really prides itself on being inclusive of all different types of genders, sexuality, races, ages, and we're just now starting to get more inclusive as a community as far as disability. And this is such a big deal because more and more people are being diagnosed with a disability. Um, there's more and more awareness around health. So I think we are hyper-aware, which is a good thing, of taking care of ourselves and and being alert to when we are being diagnosed with certain issues. Like I said, when I had cancer, you know, I really had to be my own advocate. And I'm sure if you've dealt with health issues, I'm sure you know that as well. So people are just being more and more diligent and taking a bigger stance for their health. And cognitive issues are becoming more and more of an issue, too. There's more testing done with children at a younger age and even testing in adults. You know, so many adults are now finding out that they have things like autism or ADHD and different um cognitive disorders and developmental disorders, too. So um it's just so important that we as a BDSM community um are practicing this inclusivity now. So, some ways that we as a community can be more inclusive, and hopefully this will have a trickle-down effect to, you know, even as individuals, but just having more inclusive events and spaces, so things as simple as having wheelchair access, um, having auditory access if things are in written formats, um, having auditory, having closed captions. I know when we ran the Dum Sum Dynamics Virtual Summit, having closed captions and you know, transcripts available if people needed those were such a big help to a lot of people. Um, other things that groups can do is just having adaptive tools and equipment. Um, and we're gonna be getting into what some of those are, and then just being, you know, educated on the subject. So helping to educate others and educating ourselves too, and just really making sure that we're communicating in an um inclusive and caring way about these things. Because I know the the words we use, the labels we use, um, and language is always evolving. So just making sure that we're using the right language and the right terms. So just doing our part to make BDSM welcoming for all. So, some practical tips for navigating BDSM with a disability really starts with communication and consent. So this is important for you know, whether you have a disability or not. But like I mentioned earlier, you really have to be your own advocate. Um, and if your partner or you have a friend that has a disability, you really have to be an advocate for them too. You have to speak up for what you need. So whether this is at a dungeon or an event or even just with your play partner, letting them know that these are what your needs are and how they can help and what you need from them can go a long way. But I have gotten questions before that, you know, say you don't have a partner, say you're you're meeting people for the first time, or you're on the dating apps. Should you, you know, put it in your bio that you have a disability, or should you let people know right off the bat? And I just want to say, like, that is totally up to you. Um, do what feels right for you. Um, I know some people like to say it up front because they think it helps to weed out people that, you know, may if they find out later they have a disability and you know, this person, for whatever reason, because they're just a shallow person or whatever, that they don't want to get involved, then you know, putting it up front can help weed out those people. But I've always found just sharing it at the right time when I feel safe. Um, so I like to get to know people and figure out if they're even deserving of knowing this information about me. And then once I feel safe and I know that they're going to, you know, take it well, that I will then let them know and then let them know, you know, not in in scary terms, but just, you know, hey, this is what I have, and you know, these are the the special, you know, cautions that I do, this the special, you know, things that I need, and this is what I would need from you. And people are curious and and they just want to know things. So, you know, giving them an opportunity to ask questions, I I feel always helps, you know, letting them know, do you have any, you know, questions about what my you know condition is? Because a lot of times people don't know, even in my case of um reflex sympathetic dystrophy, you know, I'm still learning things about it. And so, and it is super rare, so people don't know a lot about it either. So letting people ask questions if that's okay with you, um, or just encouraging them to do their own research can help too. Um, but yeah, consent and communication can go a long way. And then as far as practical advice for adapting um for your disability, um, focus on what you can do. That's always my my biggest thing I tried to lead with is just focusing on what I can do instead of what I can't do. Because if I think about all of the things I can't do, then that is just going to be discouraging and depressing. Um, like for instance, because I have the chronic pain um with my feet, and because I'm very um sensitive to cold, even. So, some practical things that we have to do is just making sure that the room we're playing in is very, very warm. Um, if we're using the bed, we'll have an electric heated blanket that I can lay on. Um sometimes even using a space heater in the room really, really helps. And then there are some physical things that I can't do. So I can't stand on my tippy toes. So if my partner has like restrained my arms above my head, he has to make sure that he has it at the right height where I can keep both feet flat on the ground and I'm not having to stand on my toes. Um, and then this is like super vain of me. But the other thing is when I go to different events and dungeons, you may have seen pictures of me. Like, I can't wear high heels anymore. Like I just can't because of my feet. And so I wear really kinky fun boots. So you may have seen them before in pictures, but yeah, I I can't wear heels anymore. And so I I'm not going to, you know, really focus on that because that will just make me sad. But so I instead bought really cute, sexy boots instead. So it's all about focusing on what you can do and what you can't do. So, you know, there's different tools and equipment, especially because disability is um, you know, getting more and more attention and more awareness. There are actual companies that um create actual sex toys and different BDSM gear for people with disabilities. Um, so again, it's just using these things with modifications. So if you can't do intricate tying because you have something like arthritis, maybe using a different implement that maybe is thicker that you can use. So maybe something like uh a paddle that's easier to grip, or something that you can even tie onto your hand if you can't hold it. Um even if you're uh submissive and you're incorporating kneeling and maybe you have an issue with um sitting for long periods of time, I know that's an issue for me. Um, in our Dom sub training course, if you're a member, there's actually tons of different um kneeling positions that you can do there, but just you know, figuring out what works for you. Um then when you're doing scenes in different positions, you can use things like wedges, even if you know you can't, because of energy, do a lot of impact play. Maybe that you're a DOM and the thought of you know wielding a flogger over and over kind of wears you out, then that's totally fine. Switch to something again that you can do. So this could be something like the Wurttemberg wheel that you know you just have to do really light pressure, um, or even doing things like electro play, where you're not having to do any real movement or impact at all, and you're just gliding it um, the implement over their body. So you can also focus on sensory play or even verbal aspects. So there's so much you can do. Again, it's just instead of focusing on what you can't do, focus on what you can do, and really just be diligent about finding support and resources. So there's so many different support groups out there, different communities for disabled people who practice BDSM. You know, again, if you're a Dom Sub training member, check out the resources there or even post in our private forum community, and we can help you out there and direct you there. But last year in our summit, um, Kiki from the Kinks with Kiki podcast, so definitely check out that podcast. But she did a great training for us last year, and it was all about dealing with um different disabilities and chronic illnesses. And it would, she just offered so many great tips. Um, so you can definitely get the replays. Um, again, you know, Kiki is amazing. Go check out her podcast. And even at this year's summit, um, one of my AllX's Past members, Adira, she shared her personal story about how she deals with MS, um, multiple sclerosis. And so she really talked about how, you know, that affects her as a sub. And even her Dom Harlow was there to talk about how he's had to adapt as a Dom. So definitely check that out. If you haven't already, they're the cutest couple, um, but you can grab the replay for that at DomSubdynamics.com, and I'll definitely put the link to um for that because they shared some really just great tips and some practical advice. But let's talk about some of the specific challenges that can sometimes come up and how we can overcome them. So, one of the first ones is uh communication barriers. So, you know, maybe because of, you know, uh speech or cognitive impairment, you have a hard time communicating. So, or or your partner does. So, what can you do? Well, there's different communication aids, um, different voice-activated devices that you can use. You can even use nonverbal cues, nonverbal safe words also. Um, and then just really having a thorough discussion about your limits and all of your needs before play, because maybe because of whatever disability you have, that maybe when you're in play and you're in that zone and the endorphins are flying, that maybe you know, communication and speech becomes even harder for you. So making sure that before the scene, you really have, you know, a very, very thorough discussion with your partner. And then another challenge that can come up is just the social stigma that comes with having a disability and the isolation that happens as a result of that. So try not to isolate yourself. So again, you know, so many people in the BDSM community have a disability. I've seen people in all walks of life with all types of disabilities. Um, I've even seen rope demonstrations done with people who use wheelchairs, even. So you just have to find these groups and just um really be a part of them. And if one isn't in your area, then then start it. But just really join that conversation and just advocate for inclusivity. Um, you know, even if you are able-bodied, you know, letting the the organizers know that that is a big deal for you and asking them how they are being inclusive. Um, and share personal experiences too. Um, in doing this podcast, so many people, you know, message me about how they did not know that I had any kind of health issues whatsoever. Um, people tend to think I'm living this perfect life, I think. But um, yeah, so many people have just said I'm become so much more relatable now because they know that, you know, I have mental illnesses, I have chronic illnesses, I have a disability, I, you know, I have kids on top of that. So it's like I deal with so much. So sometimes it just takes us sharing, you know, a little bit about ourselves and being a little vulnerable. And that helps um someone else to open up as well and and and think to themselves, you know, wow, I'm not alone. And and that's what we we really need, you know. Uh BDSM can sometimes be very isolating, even if you're you're not dealing with anything just because of the taboos that come with BDSM. You know, we can't talk to our vanilla friends and our vanilla family about these things. So um, you know, if you feel like it's safe to do so, definitely open up about the things that you know you've had to struggle with, the challenges that you've had to deal with. And um I'm sure that you'll you'll find support in the community as well. But I just want to make it completely clear don't let a disability hinder your BDSM journey. It it really, really doesn't have to. So so don't hold yourself back. But we should all do our part. To make the BDSM community more inclusive. So definitely share your own stories. Ask questions about kink and disabilities and share them in the comments. I'd love to hear it, and I know others would as well. And to help make your journey into the world of Dom Sub Dynamics and BDSM even easier, I want to give you my free resource library. You can grab it at DomSubliving.com slash free, and it includes access to dozens of BDSM resources like videos, workbooks, worksheets, guides, and you can redeem all of that for free at Domsubliv.comslash free. Thank you for joining me for this episode, and you can check out all of the details and links that I mentioned in the description and show notes. And be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.