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Are you struggling with the pressure to be perfect in your BDSM journey? I'm Alessander from Dom Subliving, and I know firsthand how overwhelming it can be to feel like you have to get everything right as a Dom or Sub. But what if I told you that embracing imperfection is actually the key to growth and mastery in BDSM? Well, stick around because in this episode, I'll share important tips and insights to help you overcome perfectionism and thrive in your DS dynamic. Let's dive in. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living Podcast. Before we dive in, I have an exciting opportunity for you. If you're ready to take your BDSM journey to the next level and overcome perfectionism for good, join our free four-day boot camp. It's called Jumpstart Your BDSM Journey, and in this boot camp, you'll receive personalized support, practical tips, and actionable steps to help you master DomSub dynamics. It's designed to help you grow with confidence and embrace the journey without the fear of needing to be perfect immediately. So go to domsuiving.com slash bootcamp or click the link in the description and sign up and start your transformative journey today. So today we're going to be diving into how perfectionism affects both DOMS and subs in the BDSM lifestyle. So we're going to discuss things like the impacts of perfectionism, share practical tips to overcome it, and you're even going to get to hear some real life experiences. So I'm sure you've never dealt with the need to feel like you're perfect. I'm sure you're perfect all the time. And this isn't something you've had to struggle with, but just kidding, we all know that we are not perfect, but we do strive for perfection. We want to be the best version of ourselves. But perfectionism, it's a personality trait, and it's really characterized by this need to be flawless and just setting these excessively high standards and expectations for ourselves or even others, maybe our partner. And so we just become overly critical of ourselves or even our partners too. And this is something I have struggled with pretty much my whole entire life. And I thought it was normal and healthy. And a lot of times I would just dismiss it and feel like I was just trying to be the best version of myself. And while I still feel that's a good goal to always want to be the best version of ourselves, perfectionism is a whole different ballgame. It takes it to a new level. Perfectionism involves having this intense fear of either making mistakes or just that other people are going to judge you if you don't do things a certain way. And so it can lead to stress and anxiety and just this paralyzing fear of failure. So if you're wondering, well, you know, is me trying to strive to be better, is that just actually perfectionism? You know, where is that healthy balance? Well, you can really tell by the effects it's having on you and your body and on your relationships. So, you know, is it giving you this sense of stress or fear when you're talking about things like improvement? Or is it really benefiting you? So really check in with yourself, check in with your partner, see if they can give you any insights too, and see if you're you're handling this in a healthy way, or if you're striving for perfection and it's leaving you stressed and irritable, and it's affecting your relationships. And how perfectionism manifests itself in BDSM is actually going to look different for either the Dom or the Sub. So for the Dom, we'll start with the DOMs first. How perfectionism usually manifests itself. It usually can make the Dom feel like the need to be in control. Um, and again, you know, a Dom strives to be in control, but perfectionism takes it to that next level where they want to be in control meticulously. So maybe they, you know, have this fear that they can't deviate from the plan at all. Like if they're having a scene that they have to stick to the protocols of the scene meticulously. And if and if things go differently, maybe they're extremely frustrated or disappointed. And so that's one of the ways it can um manifest. And then another way it can manifest itself in DOMS is just having these high expectations that are not reasonable. So they may have these expectations for themselves or for their subs. And again, when their expectations aren't met, they're just increasingly disappointed and irritable. So they're not wanting their sub to just do their best, they're wanting their subs to be perfect, which is unrealistic and unattainable. And then one more way it can manifest in DOMS is just this fear of judgment. And so whether it's a fear of, you know, constantly being judged by their sub or even by the BDSM community, you know, maybe when they go to dungeons and clubs, they are, you know, so afraid that they're being critiqued or people are watching them. And so this can hold back the Dom from wanting to, you know, try new techniques or do different scenes. And then how perfection manifests itself in subs. So there is some overlap for how it affects DOMs and how it affects subs. But the way I've seen it affect subs is just this huge fear of making mistakes, that they're going to be, you know, a quote unquote bad sub if they don't do things a certain way, that they're going to disappoint their Dom, that they have to do everything perfectly or else. And then over-accommodation is another way that subs can get in the trap of perfectionism, where they just kind of push themselves too hard to meet their Dom's needs and their Dom's expectations, and they just kind of neglect their own needs and boundaries and push those aside for the sake of wanting to please their Dom, which isn't healthy and is going to negatively affect them and their emotional health, their mental health, their physical health, and and and not help the relationship either. And then I've seen a lot of my students just have this deep self-criticism that they are just excessively critical of their performance as a sub, just feeling like they always have to be perfectly obedient and submissive at all times, or else they've failed. So there's no gray area here that's like they're either a good sub or a bad sub. They're either obeying or disobeying, disobeying, and they just beat themselves up when they're not being a perfectly good sub. So whether it's the Dom or the sub or both who's dealing with battling perfectionism, it can just have a huge impact on their relationship or even on their own individual role. So, you know, they won't be enjoying themselves anymore. And BDSM is supposed to be fun. Um, they won't be spontaneous anymore because they feel like they have to control everything or everything has to be a certain way. They feel like there's, you know, the right way to do BDSM instead of just growing and learning and having fun with it. And so they never progress, they never grow because they have this fear of failure that really prevents them from experimenting and communicating and just growing in their role in their Dom sub relationship or as an individual. And so I just have to get a little personal here because this is something that I have really, really struggled with and continue to struggle with. I um I actually have diagnosed OCD. And so you can imagine that has just really affected my role as a sub. And it's part of the reason why I even got into this lifestyle because having protocols and rules and rituals, all those things are up my alley. You know, anyone who has OCD, those things are we're here for that. It's exactly what we need and want in our life. But when I became a sub, it it started having a negative effect because I just wanted everything to be perfect and by the book. And I wanted that for my Dom too. Um, I wanted him to be the perfect dominant. And so I would top from the bottom a lot, trying to have that control. And so it is something I've just been having to be mindful, my my whole dynamic. Because when I first started, I just felt this immense pressure to get everything right. Um, for example, even during a scene, I would think I was a failure if I safe worded, that I would even, you know, apologize profusely if I wasn't able to do something a certain way. And I just felt like um I wouldn't be able to reach my potential as a sub unless I did everything and anything, even if I didn't want to do those things. But it also held me back and held us back in a lot of ways too, because I would not do things until I felt like I had reached a certain level and that I was perfect enough to do it. Like I thought, you know, well, we can't be 24-7 TPE. Um, we can't do that until we haven't had any arguments. And so I would set these, you know, unattainable goalposts for either myself or for the relationship. Like another one is I thought, you know, I won't go to uh, you know, a munch, you know, which is a BDSM social meetup. I won't go to a munch until I'm a certain weight. And so that would really hold me back too. And I would miss out on going to so many different events because I just thought, well, I'll go when I look a certain way, when when this happens, or, you know, I get a collar that I like so I can show that off. And so all these little things just really held me back. And I know my Dom was feeling the same way in the beginning too. You know, he would tell me things like he wouldn't want to go to a dungeon or a club, and until he learned how to, you know, wield a flogger like a pro. He was afraid that people were going to be judging him if he didn't know exactly how to use each implement, you know, exactly the right way and be a pro at it too. So it was held holding us back from even going to events. And I've heard similar things from other people too, you know, like I, you know, I'll take that online course or I'll take that online workshop when I have a partner, or you know, I'll I'll go to a munch when I have a partner. So a lot of times people will use the excuse of not having a partner as, you know, to hold them back, which a lot of these things are so backwards when you think about it, because let's take, for example, the one about not having a partner. Well say you are a single Dom or Sub. Well, if you go to, you know, munches, you're bound to meet potential partners. If you take online courses and workshops, you are going to learn the skills that are going to help you attract an ideal partner. And the example of my DOM. So, you know, maybe in the beginning he wasn't the best person using a flogger, but if we would have started going to BDSM dungeons and events sooner, then he could have learned from other DOMs and seen then them in action and picked up skills from them. Um, you know, if I went to munches sooner, I could have met, you know, great friends and had great friendships sooner, where I can see that these people care about me and are friends with me, no matter what weight I am. And, you know, if we started 24-7 TPE sooner and didn't wait until we, you know, didn't have any argument, then we would have learned how to deal with arguments as a TPE couple because they're gonna happen and they're still happening. So a lot of the excuses that we use to hold us back where I'll do this when, it actually holds us back. And if we just do the thing, we'll actually get to the goal that we want even sooner. And if you do happen to make mistakes or things don't go the way you planned, you know, maybe when you go to a munch or you go to a dungeon, you know, or you go on that first date and things don't go as they planned, well, so what? Everybody makes mistakes and it's just part of the learning experience and it's how you grow. But one thing that has really helped me is having mantras. So when these little mindset gremlins creep up, I I try to tell myself different mantras. And so these are things you can repeat to yourselves. Um, you can even journal about them. You know, if you're submissive, you can even write lines. You can, you know, if you're a Dom, you can have your submissive write lines about these. But some things I tell myself is that perfect is boring, which is true, that perfect isn't real, and that I am learning and improving, and that all that matters is what my Dom thinks, and that mistakes are part of my journey. So you can steal those mantras, you can create your own, but definitely repeat them to yourself as your mindset gremlins pop up. So, some other practical tips to help you overcome perfectionism that you can use on your journey. So just really get in the habit of embracing imperfection. So just remember that mistakes are a part of learning and it's how we actually learn and improve. I would actually be more worried about you if you told me that you weren't making any mistakes or you know things were going perfectly. Um, that's when I get a little worried. I'm like, okay, well, then that means you're not growing, you're not pushing yourself, you're not evolving. So make the messy mistakes and learn from them, and that's how you get better. And then another practical tip you can do is just to set realistic goals. So realistic is the key. So you want it to be something achievable that you can do instead of just something that's perfect. So, you know, just instead of aiming to be perfect, perfect, focus on just gradual improvement. So, you know, if you're a sub and you're wanting to journal more, so instead of saying I'm going to journal for, you know, a half an hour every single morning, no matter what, um, set something more attainable where just, you know, sometime by the end of the day, I'm going to write down three things I'm grateful for. So, and if you are able to do that for a week, two weeks, then that's fine. Then you can build on it. For DOMS, maybe it's something like, you know, maybe you're thinking, oh, I want to plan this hour-long scene and have an hour-long, long scene, like every weekend. Well, maybe just start with something attainable, like uh a 10-minute scene that you can do. And instead of every week, you know, try for every other week. So just set these like mini goals that you can then build on. And then another practical tip, which is huge, is just seeking out support and feedback. So this can be from a friend, um, a mentor, or you know, even a whole community. But that way you can share your experiences and get constructive feedback. And so, part of this free boot camp that I'm offering, you'll actually get access to a private community forum and you'll get opportunities to get coaching and advice from me and my DOM. So definitely sign up for that if you haven't already. And then also make sure that you stop and celebrate your progress. This is something I think so many of us forget that when we do these huge steps, and when we do these big things, or even these little things that we don't celebrate. So maybe you've been journaling, you know, pretty regularly, you know, three things you're grateful for. Well, buy yourself a new fancy journal or go to the coffee shop and treat yourself to a nice coffee drink and journal there. Um, it's just really about recognizing and celebrating, you know, small success and improvements and just reinforcing that value that you want progress over perfection. Um, I remember when my Dom and I went to our first dungeon and we celebrated by buying new gear. And so that really encouraged us to just want to go back and go again, and then even use that new gear that we had just purchased. So set and celebrate, you know, goals that you have. But I just really want to assure you that you're not alone. Like so many Doms and subs deal with perfectionism. I know my Dom has struggled with um perfectionism as a dominant, and he shared about that before on the podcast. And many in our community have shared their stories of embracing imperfection and how they've been able to thrive, even. So if you're a member of our community, definitely reach out to others there and get support. And I just want to really encourage you. I mean, even just the fact that you're listening to this podcast is a huge step that you're listening to this episode. Because remember, it's a journey and growth takes time. And every step you take is a step towards progress. And if you're ready to take your BDSM journey to that next level and overcome perfectionism for good, join our free four-day bootcamp. It's called Jumpstart Your BDSM Journey. And in this boot camp, you'll receive personalized support, practical tips, and actionable steps to help you master Dom Sub dynamics. It's designed to help you grow with confidence and embrace the journey without the fear of needing to be perfect immediately. So go to DomSubliving.com slash bootcamp or click the link in the description to sign up and start your transformative journey today. If you found this episode helpful, please give it a thumbs up, comment below with your thoughts, and don't forget to hit subscribe for more content. Because stay tuned for our next episode where we'll explore how to balance BDSM with everyday life. It's going to be a good one. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sublim.