SPEAKER_00 0:00

Are you feeling overwhelmed or unsure about how to find a trustworthy dominant? You're not alone. The fear of encountering someone who doesn't respect your boundaries is real, and it can hold you back from fully exploring your BDSM journey. But don't worry, I'm here to help. I'm Alessandra from Dom Subliving, and in this episode, we'll dive into the essential questions you need to ask and the red flags to watch out for so that way you can have safety and peace of mind. Let's get started. Welcome to the Dom Subliving Podcast. Today we're going to be covering three main areas when it comes to vetting a potential Dom. So the key questions to ask a potential Dom, the red flags to watch out for, and practical tips to ensure your safety. And by the end of this episode, you'll have the tools you need to vet a dominant and build a safe and satisfying DS relationship. And this is for all genders too. I know dominants can be women, they can be men, they can be non-binary. So the tips and tricks I'm going to be sharing will work for all genders. So we're going to be covering a lot today, but if you want a quick and easy tool, I do have a fake dom quiz you can take at domsubliving.com slash fake dom. It's not a scientific quiz, it's just meant to be fun. But I highly recommend it if you're a sub vetting a Dom, or if you're a Dom and you want to see how you measure up. And you can take it for free at Domsubliving.com/slash fake dom. But why is vetting so important? I feel like a lot of people miss this step and they're just so excited with sub frenzy, or they learn about BDSM and they just want to dive in and they think, well, I'll I will just trust my intuition. I don't really need to go through a vetting process, but vetting a dominant is crucial for your safety and well-being in a BDSM dynamic because a trustworthy dominant really respects your boundaries, communicates openly, and ensures that consent is always prioritized. And I have unfortunately heard so many stories from my students of their experiences with being with a fake DOM and taking advantage of. So I definitely don't want that to happen to you because this is something that unfortunately I've even experienced myself. So let me just share a quick story with you about my own experience. So obviously, I already have a DOM, but when I started becoming a professional educator and started collaborating with different educators, even well-known educators, I actually met someone who seemed like a great DOM on the surface. And they were a longtime educator themselves and were very well known. But after personally talking with them a little bit and hearing from others about how this person treated their subs, I really realized that they weren't aligned with my values of safety and consent. And that experience has really taught me the importance of thorough vetting, even as an educator. So this subject is really near and dear to my heart too. So just know that you're not alone, that it happens to the best of us, but there's actually a significant number of people in the BDSM community who have encountered issues because of not vetting their potential partners properly. So it's a very common concern, but one we're gonna address here. So let's dive into the key questions you should ask any potential dominant. So, first off, ask about their background and experience in the BDSM community. Um, how long have they been involved? What types of dynamics have they experienced? This really helps gauge their level of expertise and understanding. And I hear a lot of times people ask me, well, what about new DOMs? You know, there's there's nothing wrong with a DOM being new, but you still want to ask them what their experience may be in past vanilla relationships or just what their experience is in BDSM education. So you still need to ask those questions. And then next, you want to discuss their communication style and boundaries. So how do they handle discussions about limits and consent? Because a good dominant will be open and transparent about those topics. And then to go along with that, you want to ask about their actual views on consent and safety protocols. So do they use safe words? How do they ensure that scenes are consensual and safe? Because their answers can really reveal their commitment to you and your well-being. Ask them about their experience with aftercare. How do they provide support after a scene? This is really crucial for emotional and physical recovery of a sub. So this is an important thing you want to ask them. And then you can ask them about their preferred dynamics and roles. So are they looking for a master slave type of dynamic? Or are they looking for something more like a daddy dom little girl dynamic, for example? So you can also ask them, do they want long-term or just casual plays? So understanding these things will help you determine whether or not you're compatible from the start. Because you don't want to get attached to the person and then find out those things. But those were just a few questions. I'd love to know if you've used those questions in your vetting process or if you have other ones, definitely let me know in the comments. But let's role play a little bit. So imagine you found a Dom online or on a dating app or wherever, but you're just going to meet with them at a coffee shop and have a discussion with this potential Dom. So you ask them all these questions and just think about what type of responses would have a positive effect on you and kind of be like a green flag. Which responses would kind of make you raise your eyebrows or leave you a little uneasy or unsure. So kind of do this little role-playing scenario in your mind about what it would be like to meet a potential dominant. But let's talk about those red flags because these are warning signs that a dominant might not be safe or trustworthy. So, number one, it's obviously a red flag. If a dominant disregards or even downplays the importance of consent, that's like a huge major red flag because consent is the cornerstone of any healthy BDSM relationship. I'm always harping on consent. And then number two would be poor communication. That's another red flag. If they avoid discussing boundaries or seem really evasive about their intentions, really proceed with caution. And number three is to beware of anyone who rushes the relationship or pushes you to move faster than you're comfortable with, because a good dominant will respect the pace that you want to go. And four, look out for inconsistent or dishonest behavior if they tend to lie a lot. Because if their actions don't match their words, that's a serious concern. That's only going to get worse as the relationship progresses. And number five, pay attention to their reputation in the community. And if they're not in the BDSM community yet, pay attention to their reputation around their friends or family and how they treat them. Because if others have had negative experiences with this person, you want to take those warnings seriously. And that was kind of my experience working with that other Dom who was an educator. That I had people reaching out to me saying, you know, you might not want to work with them because of past experiences that, you know, I've had, or they've seen how he treated his other subs. And so people did reach out to me, and unfortunately, I didn't listen. So I had to learn the hard way that after I dealt with him myself, I could really see that whoa, this person had some issues, and I did not want to be associated with them and work with them. So there was a lot of red flags that I unfortunately saw too late. But even worse, I've heard from others who have been scammed or even blackmailed by so-called DOMs or others that just felt completely used by an individual. So you really have to be careful. And I'd love to know if you have encountered any of those red flags. Definitely share your stories in the comments to help others learn. And that way we can keep our community safe. But let's talk about some practical safety tips to ensure your well-being when meeting a potential dominant. So, first of all, always make sure that you're meeting this potential dominant in a public place, especially the first even few times, because this really ensures that you're in a safe environment. And you can even set up a safe call with a trusted friend, let them know where you're at, how long you're gonna be there, and you can check in at designated times as well. But most importantly, trust your instincts. If something feels off, don't ignore that feeling. Your safety comes first. Remember, vetting a dominant is all about ensuring your safety and finding someone who respects and values you. So definitely take your time, ask the right questions, and trust yourself. And if you want a quick and easy tool, I do have that fake dom quiz you can take at domsubliving.com slash fake dom. It's not a scientific quiz, it's just meant to be fun. But I highly recommend it if you're a sub vetting a Dom, or if you're a Dom and you want to make sure you measure up. And you can take it for free at Dom Subliving.com slash fake dom. If you found this episode helpful, please give it a thumbs up and subscribe to the Dom Sublim podcast for more tips and advice on navigating your BDSM journey. And don't forget to check out on other episodes for even more kinky guidance. Thank you for joining me, and until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure in Dom Sub Living.