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Is your DS dynamic secretly being sabotaged, but you're not sure who's to blame? If you're frustrated because either you or your partner is struggling with control, you're not alone. Maybe you've both tried talking it out, but it just keeps happening. I'm Alessandra from Dom Sub Living, and in this episode, we're going to uncover what's really going on with topping from the bottom and how to stop it before it wrecks your relationship. Let's dive in. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living podcast. So let's start with the basics. So, what exactly is topping from the bottom? So let's talk about what it's not first. So I'm not talking about a sub speaking up respectfully, a sub using their safe words in an agreed-upon manner. I'm not talking about things like that. But in a DS relationship, each partner has a clear role. So one leads, that's the DOM, and the other typically follows, that's the sub. But sometimes a submissive partner might try to control or influence the dynamic even subtly and kind of undermine their Dom's decisions and direction, even outside the bedroom or even during a scene. So that's what topping from the bottom is. So I'll give you an example. So imagine you're in the middle of a scene, it's getting really hot and heavy, you're having a lot of fun, and all of a sudden the submissive partner starts giving directions like, can you tie me a little tighter? Or do you think we should do this differently? So again, communication is extremely important, but when it kind of crosses into more of this controlling behavior, that's when it starts to disrupt the power exchange. And this can happen on the dominance end too. So maybe the DOM is constantly adjusting the plans to suit what the submissive wants or what their preference is, and is just constantly looking to them for feedback and direction. So that can be another form of topping from the bottom too. Now, why does topping from the bottom happen? So it usually comes from a place of insecurity or even fear. Maybe the submissive is afraid that they're going to lose control. And so maybe they think if they just step in that they can keep things from going too far or getting too hurt and kind of preventing something disastrous happening in the future. And on the flip side, again, the dominant might actually be encouraging, topping from the bottom. If they're just really not confident in their role, if they haven't had a lot of experience, they might just be trying to seek validation, constantly asking their sub, is this okay? You know, over and over and over. So not just normal communication. And so it really just comes again from this place of insecurity, even on the DOM's part. And one of the biggest ways this pops up is when the DOM begins to delegate more and more to their partner, especially if you're in a 24-7 TPE dynamic and things are kind of bleeding out into everyday vanilla life. So the DOM may have control of everything, but they may choose to delegate some things to their sub, which is totally fine. But the Dom needs to understand and know: is this coming from a place of wanting to give my submissive more responsibilities to help me out and take things off my plate? Or is it just because I'm not confident in my ability to do this? And maybe I'm just feeling kind of unmotivated or even lazy too and don't want to take control. So only really the DOM and the submissive knows what's the motive behind these actions, but these can be signs of topping from the bottom too. But another big reason why topping from the bottom can can happen is because of past bad experiences. So maybe other even vanilla relationships or um even DS relationships that maybe they had a bad experience. So maybe the the sub had a DOM who wasn't so great. And so they're afraid of getting, you know, either emotionally or physically abused again. And so topping from the bottom is a way to kind of take that back back that control and to kind of prevent it. And and the Dom, too, that maybe they saw that in their last dynamics that they got a lot of pushback from their partner or they felt too much like they were overbearing. And so allowing the topping from the bottom to happen can kind of protect themselves in this new relationship. Or maybe you've even seen others in the BDSM lifestyle and community practice topping from the bottom in their relationships, and you've kind of seen them maybe even bicker back and forth, or just brighty behavior, or just general topping from the bottom, and you kind of think, well, that must be a normal part of the dynamic, and that's okay. And so maybe you've had kind of these role models and you're just kind of imitating it. But what's the big deal? So why is topping from the bottom such a big issue? Why do we keep hearing about it? Well, for one thing, it erodes trust in a DS relationship because in a healthy DOM-sub dynamic, both partners really need to trust each other. The submissive needs to know that their health and mental well-being is in complete control of a caring and safe dominant, and they can willfully submit to them. And the dominant needs to know too that they have a submissive who is going to follow and take directions and speak up in a respectful way if something isn't meeting their needs. So when topping from the bottom happens, just really the trust begins to erode because you know, imagine this. You're in a scene again, and the dominant has carefully planned out everything. Maybe they've done a ton of research to prepare for a scene. Maybe they've taken days or even weeks, they have everything planned out, they're really looking forward to this, and they're just met with constant suggestions, objections. And if this happens regularly from scene to scene to scene, it can really erode the Dom's trust and the submissive. And they may even start to think, why am I even doing this? Like, if you don't trust me to even take over a scene, then what's the point? And I've seen it affect the submissive as well. They might start feeling guilty for topping from the bottom and just confused that their needs and wants aren't getting met in the relationship, and so they're getting really frustrated, and so they start overstepping even more, and that creates even more and more guilt, and they're just wondering why their dominant hasn't stepped in to correct this. So this back and forth really creates this power imbalance that really just erodes at the relationship, and then no one's really happy in their role or in the dynamic. And in extreme cases, this can even lead to the breakup of a dom-sub relationship. Unfortunately, I've seen this with other couples that just over time topping from the bottom becomes a habit. Neither the submissive or the dominant is even happy in the relationship, and they just wonder, why am I going through all this trouble when it's not even worth it? So it's definitely sad, it's definitely heartbreaking, especially because it's something that can be easily fixed. And I'm gonna show you how to do that. So let's talk about solutions now. So, how can you address and prevent topping from the bottom in a DS dynamic? So, first of all, it's open communication. So both of you need to be talking about what you really want, what you really need in the dynamic. Really just kind of lay it out there, be brutally honest with each other. And it may be uncomfortable at first, but it is very necessary to have these conversations and to have them regularly too. The last thing you want to do is just to ignore topping from the bottom and just kind of push it under the rug because it's just going to keep happening and keep happening, and nothing's ever going to progress in the dynamic. So, for example, let's say you're the DOM and you had a scene and there was some topping from the bottom that occurred. So you can say something like, Hey, I've noticed that during the scene you kind of struggled with accepting control and you started making suggestions. I kind of want to talk about why do you think that happened, how we can prevent that in the next scene. And that just really leaves the door open because a lot of times submissives just feel like they're being helpful. And so that so they don't really see it as topping from the bottom, or that their DOM even has a problem with it at all. And then the next thing you want to do to kind of either prevent or help with topping from the bottom is to set clear boundaries. And so this is something that me and my DOM do that during the scene, safe words are totally okay, that I have that ability, but any suggestions or helpful pointers that those are left for after. And so you can have a similar role like that, where only using safe words. And then if you have a helpful suggestion to keep that for after the scene, and that kind of just reins in the topping from the bottom. And if you're in a 24-7 dynamic like myself, you can also set boundaries too. So if I have a suggestion or I want to bring something up, I can either do it at our weekly check-ins that we do, or even throughout the day. And so I'll either journal about it or say it in a very respectful way, or even do the old school military thing where I'll ask him if I can have permission to speak freely. So that's another tip too. And then another way to kind of mitigate or prevent topping from the bottom is just to have mutual respect because both the DOM and the sub have needs and wants, and they need to be met. But they need to be done in a respectful manner. So even the dominant can say, you know, I understand that you are wanting more of X, Y, and Z, but let's try to find a way to address that in a respectful manner so that way both of our needs are getting met. And so you can kind of have this compromise too. So, because a lot of times the submissive just wants to be heard too. And so even giving them something like a submissive journal can really help to prevent topping from the bottom. And then also practice self-awareness, be really mindful about what you're doing, what you're saying, because both partners really need to check in with themselves to make sure that they're staying true to their roles. So if you're a dominant, definitely ask yourself, am I confident in my ability to be a DOM and to give directions? And if you're submissive, ask yourself, do I trust my Dom? Or am I feeling a little bit of fear? And if you're feeling fear, that's totally okay. But try to figure out where is that coming from? Is that coming from past dynamics? Is that coming from something that has recently happened? Um, just really try to get to the root of it. It can really help to get you more self-aware. Because as you become more self-aware, either as the dominant or the submissive, you'll just be able to course correct before this becomes a habit and things just pile up. So topping from the bottom is a challenge, but it's not the end of the world. With the right approach, you can regain balance in your DS dynamic and strengthen your relationship. Because remember, every relationship has its ups and downs. And through these challenges, it's how we grow stronger. But if you do need extra help with hopping from the bottom, definitely check out my free resource library at domsubliving.comslash free. It includes tons of ebooks, videos, quizzes, and other resources for doms and subs. And you can grab it for free at domsubliving.comslash free. I'll also include all of the links in the description for this episode. And don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an update. But thanks for joining me. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sublim.