SPEAKER_00 0:00

Are you thinking about committing to a new submissive that something just doesn't feel right? Or maybe you're worried you're missing a red flag, or worse, that you're being too picky. I'm Alexander from Dom Subliving, and as a son myself, I'm even worried if I measure up. So in this episode, I'm going to walk you through the five crucial red flags every Dom needs to spot before making that commitment. Let's dive in. Welcome to the Dom Subliving podcast. So a little background information on me. First, if you don't know already, me and my Dom have been in a DS dynamic for over a decade. So we were actually first married. We're still married, but so when we wanted to become Dom Sub, it was a mutual thing and we started our dynamics. So thankfully, he never had to vet me. He never had to interview me. But I've often wondered that if he did have to vet me, would I pass the test? Or would I have any red flags? Or do I even have red flags now? So maybe you're even a submissive and you're watching this and you're wondering if you would kind of pass this test too. So this episode is for DOMs and subs. And actually a couple weeks ago, I did a whole episode on how to vet a dominant. So you can actually go back and look for it. But after I released that episode, I got questions and suggestions about doing one on how to vet a submissive. Because it often feels like a lot of times submissives are off the hook. We often talk about vetting a DOM or fake DOMs and the red flags to look for in DOM. So now we're gonna focus on submissives. So today we're going to be covering the five crucial red flags to look out for when vetting a submissive, because vetting a potential partner is just so important for your safety and the success of the relationship and really starting that foundation right. So the first red flag we're going to cover is inconsistent communication and actions, because it's really crucial that your submissive is reliable. So this potential submissive that you're interested in, they need to be responsive, they need to be engaged because after all, you're going to be giving them direction. So inconsistency is really a major red flag. So in a DS relationship, we're always wanting consistency and because that's the key to building trust and really strengthening the dynamic. So it's a if a submissive is having a hard time following through or is constantly making excuses, that can be a red flag. So for example, if they seem really committed to being a sub and really committed to the relationship, but they're just frequently canceling plans at the last minute or just not following through with their task and kind of just giving these vague responses or excuses, that can be a red flag. And especially if it becomes a pattern. Because I'm not talking about just normal aspects of being a human and imperfect. We're always going to be making mistakes, things are not going to always go our way, but it's our attitude for it. And is it becoming a pattern? So if you're a dominant, one of the ways to kind of test this or to assess this is just really see how your submissive is doing in day-to-day communication. So just everyday things. So are they consistent in what they say? Are they consistent in what they do? Or are you constantly having to guess or just kind of hope for the best? So are they constantly making excuses? So really look for consistency because consistency in their communication and in their behavior is going to really set you up for a good foundation, for a good dynamic. And then the second red flag is actually just disrespect for boundaries. So this is definitely a non-negotiable. So if the submissive is constantly pushing or just kind of outright even ignoring the boundaries that you have set as a dominant, that can be a major red flag because it really just indicates that they have a lack of understanding or even empathy or even just awareness of basic BDSM principles. Because imagine that you've made it completely clear that a certain topic or activity is off limits, but the submissive just keeps bringing it up or trying to push the limits. And this is not just disrespectful, but it's also just unsafe and it's dangerous and it disregards the principles of BDSM. And so an example of this is maybe the submissive is really into something like DDLG, but the dominant is not, but the submissive keeps pushing for it over and over and over. So kind of just disregarding the boundary that the dominant has set. So during the vetting process, just be really upfront about your boundaries and what you expect and really see how they react. Are they respectful and understanding, or even maybe asking questions to make sure they understand? Or are they trying to negotiate or be pushy? So their reaction will really show whether they or not they are committed to being in a dynamic with you. And so the third red flag is just an unwillingness to learn or grow as a submissive. And so the best submissives are those who are really eager to develop their role as a submissive and learn on their own. And just really understanding your needs as a DOM, too. They're really trying to just work on themselves and better serve you too. So a way to kind of gauge this, so maybe you suggest exploring a different activity or going to a different class or a workshop and just wanting to grow in your knowledge too. And you bring it up with their your submissive. And if they show absolutely like no interest, not even to ask questions about it or discuss why this might be important for you, it kind of just shows they have this lack of empathy or wanting to progress in their own knowledge because it's really important for both people in the dynamic to learn all they can about the lifestyle and BDSM and kink. And so it's not just put on the dominant as their responsibility to learn and grow and be in their role and then just hopefully trickle down that knowledge to their submissive. The submissive really needs to take a proactive approach in their role as well. So really ask your potential submissive about maybe their past experiences or what they hope to learn in the relationship or what their goals are as a submissive. And if they're really resistant or they're just kind of dismissive or just like, I don't know, then really take note about those things because a dynamic without growth and evolving can really get stagnant and stale and boring after a while. Now, the fourth red flag when you're vetting a potential submissive is just if they have disregard for their self-care or their well-being, because a potential submissive should be a reflection of you, that they are going to be representing you. So if they are neglecting their own physical health, their mental health, their emotional health, that can be a sign that they may struggle with the demands of a DS relationship. Because let's be honest, a DS relationship is a lot of work. And so they need to have what it takes and have the stamina to be in these types of relationships. So a submissive who doesn't take care of themselves may not be able to fully engage or sustain a healthy dynamic. They just may not be in that headspace yet because they have just so much on their plate, or they're just really not interested in taking care of themselves and trying to be the best version of themselves. That maybe that's just not something they're even interested in. Now, of course, this doesn't mean that a submissive needs to be perfect or that they can't struggle with mental health issues because we are all imperfect and we all at times struggle with our mental health. I've even done a whole episode on my personal struggles with mental health. But the issue comes when a submissive is just wanting to be a submissive or wanting a dominant so the dominant can do things for them and just basically take over their life and just kind of fix them without them having to actually put in the work. So, for example, if the submissive is frequently talking about how they have poor sleeping habits, poor eating habits, they have chronic stress and just unhealthy coping mechanisms, and they don't really seem interested in doing anything proactively to make these things better, then that can be a red flag because it just really indicates a lack of self-respect. And then that can transfer into any potential relationships that maybe if they can't even respect themselves and their own bodies, then that can reflect on how they treat their own DOM. And again, doing scenes, doing BDSM is a lot of work. So you need a a lot of stamina, you need a lot of energy, you need to be getting your sleep, you need to be eating healthy and exercising and all those things our doctors tell us we need to do. So um, again, they're not doing these things perfectly. It doesn't mean they're not struggling. You know, believe me, my Dom has a ton of rules and tasks around my sleeping and eating and exercise habits. Um, and he definitely helps me in those areas. But if a potential submissive just kind of disregards all of that, then that can be a red flag. So during the vetting process, definitely pay attention to how they talk about their daily routines. You can even ask them about their self-care priorities and just really see if they're taking a proactive approach because a submissive who prioritizes self-care is more likely to be able to contribute to a healthy dynamic. So we've made it to red flag number five. The fifth red flag for vetting a submissive is misalignment of core values. And so this doesn't usually get talked about and it might even not seem that obvious, but it's really crucial if you're wanting a long-term dynamic because you need to be on the same page. And if your values don't align, that can create conflict down the road and really make a DS relationship difficult or even impossible. And this applies to your values inside the BDSM world and in the vanilla world too. So, for example, if one of you values strict protocols and the other prefers like more of a relaxed dynamic, you may be constantly butting heads and really clashing over the relationship. Or if you have differing views in major life situations, even politically, that can really create a lot of tension and stress. And so that can be a real hard thing to overcome. So during the vetting process, definitely have those deep, uncomfortable conversations about your different core values, whether it relates to BDSM or even just life in general, and just kind of see where you align. But definitely don't overlook this step because this is where I see a lot of heartache and just, you know, misalignment happen in the future. You don't want to be down the road and realize that you're misaligned or you have mismatched needs, that maybe you were secretly wanting a TPE 24-7 dynamic, and your potential partner just wants kink in the bedroom. So you don't want to find out those things, you know, a month from now, six months from now, a year from now, you want to save yourself the heartache. So those are the five red flags to watch out for when vetting a submissive. So inconsistency, lack of respect for boundaries, unwillingness to learn, disregard for well-being, and misaligned values. Those can all be signs that it's time to reconsider your choice. But remember, a healthy DS relationship is built on trust, respect, and communication. But if you'd like to learn more about what to look for in a sub, definitely check out my free how to be a good sub cheat sheet at domsubliving.comslash sub. I'll include a link to it in the description too. And if you found this episode helpful, definitely subscribe for more kinky content like this. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.