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Creating the perfect BDSM scene can be really hard. Not only is there a lot to screw up, maybe you're worried you'll look silly or you're just not sure where to start. I get it. It can feel like there is a million things to plan, but it actually doesn't have to be that complicated. Hi, I'm Alessandra from Dom Sub Living, and in this episode, I'm sharing the secrets to creating a scene that will leave both you and your partner craving more. Welcome to the Dom Subliving Podcast. I'm going to be sharing a lot today, and I know it can be kind of overwhelming. So if you also just want to read a real life scene, definitely grab your free scene at domsubliving.com/slash scene. And that way you can see all of this in practice. And again, you can download that for free at domsubliving.com/slash scene. But today we're going to be covering everything from negotiation to planning an actual scene to how to execute it and even aftercare. And whether you're new or you're experienced, you'll definitely walk away with actionable tips that you can put into practice to really elevate your scenes. And definitely comment with your thoughts or questions along the way. I love hearing them. So definitely share about your scene experiences and that way we can all learn from each other. But first up is negotiation because that is really the backbone of a scene. That is really the foundation because it's not just a checklist that you go through really quick with a partner. This is really where you set the foundation and where trust really starts. So the key elements of negotiation, you really just want to start with a conversation. So yes, you can use a contract where it kind of does the heavy lifting for you and lays everything out, but you want to have a conversation or a contract where you talk about hard and soft limits, you talk about your personal boundaries, you talk about your preferences. So even things you want to make sure that you do during a scene, kind of your must-do's that you like doing a scene. But um, so for example, maybe you're really wanting to explore impact play with a partner. So during this negotiation process, you can really talk about the different tools you'll be using, um, any concerns you have, um, what your different comfort zones are, just really kind of exploring those edges. So that way during the scene, you can just kind of let go and enjoy yourself and really trust your partner. And then during this negotiation part, you really want to talk about safe words and also signals too, because you may be in a situation where because you're using a gag or something that you can't use a safe word. So it's also good to have hand gestures as a backup as well. But when you have these clear safe words or signals, it really just keeps the scene safe. It's just so important because that way you know that you're not venturing into anything that is harmful or abusive. So, what me and my Dom personally use, so we use the stoplight system that a lot of people use. So we use red for when either I'm at my limit or my Dom is at his limit too, because DOMs can use safe words too. So red is for when we're at our limit. So that means that the scene or whatever we're doing in the scene that it needs to stop. And then we also use yellow too for when we're close to our limit. So maybe we just need to slow down. And I've even used green before too. So green can mean that this is feeling good, or I can take more and keep going. So using a safe word system just really makes it so we don't venture into any like miscommunication, something doesn't go wrong. We're just totally clear because especially if you're exploring things like consensual non-consent, you may be saying, no, stop, but that is part of the scene and what you want to have happen. So having something like a clear safe word system could be really beneficial and it just keeps everything safe. And then during this um negotiation period, you want to talk about your aftercare needs. Um, I think a lot of times people get in the habit of just thinking that aftercare is just something that you keep on the end, or you know, you'll you'll think about it then and ask them then, but you really want to talk about it beforehand so that you're prepared because maybe your partner always needs water or a blanket. So you need to have those things on hand. But you really don't want to assume what your partner needs for aftercare because at the end of the scene, you may be completely off and it kind of just derails everything, and then it just puts everything you just did in a bad light. And I'll kind of give you a personal story around this. I've shared about this before, but one time me and my Dom did a really hardcore consensual non-consent scene. And usually during aftercare, I want lots of cuddles and I'm kind of romantic and feeling little, and I want lots of love and reassurance. But we just did this really hardcore consensual non-consent scene. And after the scene, I was kind of still in that headspace. So I started pushing my Dom away, was kind of combative, even not wanting him to touch me. And it kind of threw him off and really confused him because he thought, well, I thought she liked it. You know, she said beforehand she wanted to explore this and get into this. And now she's acting really, you know, upset about it, you know, during the aftercare part. You know, he can see, you know, during the scene, okay, maybe she would be upset because we're exploring hardcore things, but in the aftercare, she should be totally fine and back to her, you know, normal self. But that wasn't the case. I was, you know, pushing him off of me and getting almost angry too. So we were able to see that what I really needed was space to just be able to calm down kind of on my own. So we know that now. So he doesn't leave me completely, he stays really close. So that way, if I need something or I have some kind of emergency, he's right there. But a lot of times I just need that quiet and that space. And then as you know, I start kind of returning back to earth, he kind of can see, okay, now she's being more accepting to touch and talking. But so you just have to really see what your partner needs, and it and and DOMs need aftercare too. And we're gonna actually be talking about this more in the episode about what specifically aftercare can look like for subs and DOMs. But some common mistakes I see with negotiation is just thinking that you don't need to negotiate. So, especially if you have a long long-term partner, maybe you've been doing scenes for a while, you think, oh, we can just do a scene and we don't need to have a conversation beforehand. So every scene is different, and so you want to have some type of conversation. And then another thing I see that couples struggle with is just kind of rushing through this process of negotiation where they kind of just speak for their partner, where they're just like, okay, so this is what our safe words are, right? And this is what your hard limits are, right? And just kind of not having a conversation where it's two-way. So you really want to take your time with it and because you may start having a conversation where you start realizing, oh, we want to explore this other thing now. So if you you don't take the time to really talk, your scenes can kind of get in this rut where it's just the same old, same old thing you're doing. So definitely have that conversation. But my biggest tips around negotiation is just have something like a contract or even a checklist that you can go through. We have a free checklist of kinks at domice of living.com/slash checklist. So you can even kind of use that as a yes, no, maybe list, but have a designated time for your scene negotiation. So you can even have something like a weekly check-in or a monthly check-in where you just kind of revisit your boundaries and your desires and just kind of think of it as maintenance for your dynamic. But let's walk through a hypothetical scene negotiation between a DOM and a sub. So imagine a Dom is wanting to explore something like Shabari or rope bondage, and the sub may be new or just kind of nervous or curious. And so here's how that negotiation can look. So you want to talk about things like preferences. So maybe certain areas of the body are off limits for tying, or maybe you have a preference for the type of rope. You know, asking your sub, do you want the rope to feel itchy and scratchy and hard, or do you really want it soft and silky? Talk about your hard and soft limits, talk about you know, your safe words that you're going to be using. And then also talk about aftercare. So if you're doing something like rope bondage, you, you know, some questions you can ask is when we're in aftercare, do you want to stay tied or do you want to be untied? Because I think a lot of people forget about this, that sometimes if you undo the ties right away, it can make a submissive feel really vulnerable and kind of you know unsafe. And so keeping the ties on for some people might be the better option. So these are all things that you need to be talking about with your partner during that negotiation process. Okay, so we covered everything about negotiation. So let's move on to actually planning a scene. So planning is definitely important. I hear from a lot of people that think, why do I need to plan a scene? I want it to be spontaneous. I want to go with the flow, and I just want it to be raw and in the moment. But you've probably heard the saying before that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. So you definitely need some kind of at least a skeleton plan of how the scene is gonna go. Because I like to think of it as kind of like a dance. So when you're dancing with a partner, you need that music, you need that rhythm and that tempo to really set the vibe. And then while you're dancing, because you have that music in the background, you have that rhythm, that framework, then that really leaves room for improvising in during your dance. And so a scene is just like that, it's just like a dance. So I've actually seen that the more you plan, the more it leaves opportunities to really be spontaneous and kind of mix things up and go with the flow. Whereas if you didn't have a plan to begin with, you're kind of just doing things willy-nilly and not having any flow, and it's very disjointed and it just feels off. So I'm gonna give you a bunch of tips. So I really want to encourage you to open your mind about planning a scene. So, first things first is you kind of want to have this blueprint. So discuss with your partner different elements, like, you know, where are you gonna have a scene? First of all, so are you gonna do it in your bedroom? Are you gonna do it at a hotel? Are you gonna do it um at a dungeon? I we've even done scenes in a car, even. So, really, you can get creative with this, but you then you want to talk about the different tools you're gonna have, the different implements you're gonna have, and have those ready too. There's there's nothing worse than being in the middle of a scene and then be struggling thinking, okay, where did I put that paddle? Or, or, you know, just trying to figure out where everything is. Um, and one thing, this is a tip my Dom does, is he likes to lay everything out before the scene because that is kind of sets up the anticipation for me because I will see it and think, oh my gosh, like what does he have planned? So that's another thing you can do. Also, when you're planning, you want to think about what you're going to wear. So if you're doing different role play, you want to think about the different outfits you're going to be wearing. Or are you going to be wearing something like a play collar? Um, are you going to be completely nude during this? So there's so much to think about. You want to think about music too and the different ambiance. So there's just so much to plan. Because let's take, for example, if you're planning a scene like in your bedroom, and maybe it's an impact scene. So you really want to think about the acoustics of your bedroom, especially if you have children around. You also want to think about privacy, so having a lock on your door. And then even thinking about temperature. Um, we once did a scene once, and it was like way too hot. The heater was on, we forgot to turn it off, and we were just a sweaty mess. It was not pretty. But then there's the other extreme too. Like I have a really hard time with cold, so we can't have the room too cold either. So you really have to think about everything in advance when you're planning your scene. Because sometimes even the tiniest details can really just derail a scene, and you want to prevent that from happening. And then when you're planning a scene, you want to incorporate an emotional and psychological elements because building this kind of tension and this psychological connection before a scene can just really make the scene that much more enjoyable. So you want to use some like pre-seen rituals. So one thing that we do is I always kneel before a scene. My dom has me kneel, he puts on my play collar. You can also use um eye contact. So making sure that you and your partner, you know, for you know, a period of time, look at each other in your eyes, you know, eye to eye, that has really helped a lot of people get that emotional connection. Um, so when I kneel, a lot of times my my dom kind of gives me this lecture of how the scene is gonna go, what he expects of me, how he wants me to perform. Sometimes, if it is kind of like more of a punishment scene, he'll kind of tell me what I did to deserve this punishment. And so having these different rituals can really make it more meaningful. And like I said, how he'll lay everything out, that kind of just builds the anticipation as well. So you do want to have structure for the scenes and you do want to have a plan, but I want to encourage you to also have room for flexibility. Um, and I'm gonna be sharing more about how to do this in in this episode, but I remember one time we had this really planned out scene, and my Dom kind of just changed things right in the middle of it, and it was it was really amazing how he did it, but it was just it took the scene to the next level too. So you definitely need that balance of the structure, but also being open to being flexible and making adjustments. But as far as my biggest tip that I like to share for how to plan a scene, so I really like to think of the main like three things you need for a scene, usually, is some form of restraint. So, you know, whether this be even a leash or a collar or a gag or hand restraints, um, cuffs, and then you want to think about something that you can do for pleasure. So even like the tail ends of a flogger, or maybe you want to incorporate some massage, even or some, you know, massage oil, different waxes. And then think about too um an implement for pain too. And it doesn't have to be hardcore pain, but maybe just incorporating some pain if that's something that you negotiate it in. So um, I like to just always give that to people if they have a hard time creating a scene, just really keep it easy. Think about adding those three things. So something for restraint, something for pleasure, and something for pain. And if you're a member of our DOM sub training course, there is actually scene creation worksheets in there that will walk you through a ton of different things. So if you're a member, definitely go back and reference those. So you took the time to plan your scenes. So, first of all, good job. But now it is time to actually do the scene, to execute the scene. So this is where the the fun begins, as Anakin Skywalker would say. But you really need to set the mood. So again, think of your five different senses. So sight, sound, touch, even scent. So you can use incense and things like that. So you can use a blindfold if you want to block out sight. Um, so you don't have to add things, you can actually take it away too. Um, but you really just have to think of the mood that you're wanting to convey because you may want this romantic scene where you have it really dimly light, you have candles, you have romantic music, but maybe that's not the vibe you're going for. Maybe you're doing a hardcore CNC scene and you want the, you know, different black lights going on, you want hardcore Metallica blaring. Um, so it's just really, you know, go with whatever mood that you're trying to convey. And it can change. Not every scene has to be the same way. And that's kind of the beauty of doing scenes. And while you're executing your scene, remember to communicate with your partner during the scene. So checking in with your partner, how is that feeling for you? Do you want more? You know, do you want more intensity? Um, even the sub can ask things like, How am I doing? Um, is there anything you'd like me to do differently? Um, and then another thing is refer to each other however you want to be uh referred to. So hopefully during the negotiation process, that even if it was a casual partner, that you talked about how you want to refer to each other. Do you want to use titles and honorifics or do you want to use first names so that way you don't have this awkward moment where you're like, hey, Joe, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I, you know, so if you want to refer to each other as certain things, like, you know, maybe daddy or sir or little one or slave, whatever you're using, that way it becomes more natural. So that way you can kind of speak up without, you know, killing the vibe or killing the mood that you took all this time to create. And don't be afraid to make adjustments along the way. That is a sign of a really good DOM, too, when they're executing a scene. Because a lot of times one of the questions I get asked about scenes is what do you do if the restraints become undone? And I'll give you a personal example. This has actually happened a couple times. But one time my hands were restrained and we were doing impact play, but I was, you know, fighting and thrashing and was able to wiggle out of the restraints because my dom hadn't tightened them tight enough. So in that moment, my dom could have said, like, oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to do them tight enough. Like, hold on, let's stop, let's regroup. But he really just kind of seized the moment. And as I was struggling out, he caught me and was able to like get in my face and say, You do not get out of your restraints. And if you get out of your restraints again, you're gonna get a hard punishment. And so that kept us in the mood, and he just put me back in the in the restraints. Um, so another time, you know, I was able to wiggle out, and again, instead of you know, stopping and killing the mood, it actually progressed the scene to this really, you know, raw primal CNC scene because I was, you know, got out of the restraints and I was able to kind of fight back. And then it became, you know, this wrestling primal thing, this you know, CNC thing. And so we were just like staying in the moment and going with it. So you definitely can make adjustments, but you want to stay in that same headspace. You don't have to make a big deal about it, even if you just want to easily just you know put your submissive arms back in the restraints, or you know, if it's rope, quickly redo it. You don't have to make a big deal about it, but like in those Cases that I mentioned actually elevated the scene and made it much more enjoyable for both of us. So now sometimes I kind of am suspicious that maybe he's doing the restraints a little loose on purpose because he wants me to fight back. So maybe. But one of my biggest struggles during a scene, and I know a lot of other submissives struggle with this too, and especially women submissives, is just really staying in my head. I get really self-conscious about what I look like. Am I doing it right? So one thing we do that really helps is using a blindfold. So that way my my Dom can still see me, he can still enjoy me, but I don't have to see me. And so that way it just I can just zone out and not get distracted and stay in my head. Again, with you know headphones, that that really helps where I'm not thinking about every little noise happening in the background, or you know, I'm worried, okay, what am I gonna, you know, do tomorrow, or things like that, that I can just either, you know, listen to the music and just really, you know, focus on that, or if I have earplugs, I can just, you know, really zone out everything. So you have to find what works for you. But for DOMS, one of the biggest struggles I hear is that they they don't know how to end this a scene, or they don't know when a scene is actually done. So a scene is usually done when either you or your partner is kind of just just done, that maybe you're physically done, you know, you've had enough, or you know, you've had enough intimately, maybe one of you has actually finished, um, or you're just done. Like you did all the things that you wanted to do, and you know, now you're just kind of done. And so, how you can actually end the scene is just really simple. Um, a lot of times, like if me and my dom are done, he'll just say, like, okay, you know, you were a really good girl, and I think you've had enough. So that's all simply you need to do. So, like when the scene has kind of just wind down or you're just done, you can just say, okay, I think you've had enough. Um, we're gonna end the scene. And it doesn't have to be a big deal, again, just saying, like, okay, you know, I I think, I think we're good. So it doesn't, again, have to be this big elaborate thing. You can have a ritual around it if you like. Um, you know, maybe it's something like taking off the play collar to signify that you're done. But um, again, just do what feels good for you. So you you did your seeing, congratulations. So everything is done, right? Well, wrong. You still need aftercare. So, what is aftercare? So, aftercare is really just to ensure that both of you have physically recovered, emotionally recovered too. And again, DOMs need aftercare too, because it's not just, you know, something like a blanket where you go, here's your blanket, okay, there's your aftercare. It's really an opportunity to reconnect with your partner and to process everything that happened and to get in touch with your body and kind of come back to reality. And aftercare can take many forms. So for some people, that's verbal reassurance, for others, that's physical touch. Maybe they need things like water or a snack, maybe they need alone time. For me personally, I found that what I really need for aftercare is just a lot of like quiet and time to process, especially if we've had a really, you know, impactful scene, a really intense scene, that I really just need that quiet time. But my dom is completely different. He needs more of that verbal reassurance and you know, being told that, like, you know, on the surface, because it looks like we did a lot of horrible, demented, abusive things, that he needs this reassurance, especially as a man, that, you know, I enjoyed it, everything was good, I'm okay, I'm safe. So it just really depends on what you both need. But it really is a learning curve, um, trying to figure out what um is good for you and your partner. A lot of times I've seen for people who are new, they tend to need more of the emotional support during aftercare. They need the reassurance, they need to be, you know, comforted, they need to be cuddled, they need to be even told, I love you, and things like that. But a lot of times I see seasoned practitioners, they need more of the physical things. So they need maybe massaging of where the restraints were. They they just need um, you know, something to drink, something to eat, maybe even a shower. Um, like I said, you know, my my temperature really drops. So I will need a blanket. So you aftercare is not just this one and done, and that's what you need for the rest of your life. It can really change over time. But the biggest mishaps I see with aftercare is just people assuming that it is the same for everyone every time, or just thinking, well, this is what you do during the 10 minutes after a scene. Um, and if the person's good, then we kind of move on. And that can be so far from the truth because a lot of times, even the next day, can hit you like a ton of bricks. And I've had that experience where we had this time where we went away to a hotel for the weekend and we did a bunch of kinky things, and we kind of just created our own dungeon in this hotel. Things were super, super intense, and it was just 24-7 hardcore the whole weekend. And then once I came home, I started like being really depressed, almost feeling like I had the flu and I didn't know what was going on, but I had experienced this huge drop. And so I needed aftercare even for those few days. And so, what aftercare can look like, you know, the next day could be again checking in. Um, it could be even self-care. So a lot of journaling and self-reflection, meditation, exercise, getting into nature, even. So you really just don't want to push it off or assume you really want to keep checking in with your partner and even the next day. So we talked about negotiation during a scene, planning your scene, execution, and aftercare, but definitely remember that consent and safety is the biggest priority when it comes to scenes. But if you want to read a real life scene, definitely grab the free scene I have for you at domsubliving.com slash scene. And that way you can see everything we talked about in practice. And again, you can download it for free at domsubliving.com slash scene. And definitely check out all of our other episodes on Kink and BDSM, and be sure to subscribe so you don't miss any of the new content we have coming out soon. But thank you for joining me, and until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Subliving.