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It's time for an Ask Me Anything episode today, and we're going in a bunch of different directions. Because when I asked you what you're curious about, your questions absolutely blew me away. From practical ways to crawl into the mind of your submissive to building trust and comfort when navigating BDSM with a disability to how studs can stay proactive without overstepping their role. You also asked about bridging the gap between thriving in the bedroom and reconnecting outside of it. Plus a lighter one. What's the funniest thing that's ever happened to me in my dynamic? I cannot wait to dive into all of this with you. We're covering a lot, but I hope that it's going to be a fun ride because this episode is all about you. Welcome to the Dom Subliving podcast. So today we're diving into all of the questions you have about life and kink and basically everything in between. The questions from this episode today come from our Dom Sub-Living community, and this is a really great place to hang out in if you want to connect with other people just like you who are wanting to live the BDSM lifestyle. We have a community of over 5,000 people just like you. So if you're not part of our community, take a minute, go to domsubliving.com slash community. I'll put a link for it in the description too, so you can join in on the fun. And without further ado, let's dive into all of the questions you have for me. So our first one is from Serena, and they ask, How do you crawl into the mind of your sub more successfully? Any practical ideas? This is such an insightful question because really understanding your submissive mind is the hallmark of any thriving DS dynamic. But it's more than just power and control. It's about connection, using your intuition and being intentional. So to really crawl into the mind of your submissive, you need a really strong foundation. So you have to build trust first because without trust, a sub won't feel safe enough to open up to you. So you really have to create this judgment-free space where your sub just really feels open enough to always share their thoughts, share what they need, and share their fears too. So some ways you can do this are just with regular check-ins to really discuss about the dynamic openly. And when they do communicate, you really need to listen, like really listen and observe them and the things that maybe they aren't saying. So things like, you know, subtle cues like body language, their their tone, or maybe their little hesitations that they have for a conversation or even during a scene, too. And if they're having a hard time opening up, you can even ask them open-ended questions like what's one thing that's been on your mind about the dynamic. And again, just really start to listen to them and observe their body and their tone too. And if you want to really crawl into their mind, there needs to be something in their mind first. So they they need to know what their why is for doing these things. If you want to figure out what their motivation is, so help them to figure out what that why can be. So you can use things like checklists or quizzes, you can talk about their fantasies, what their preferences are, what their triggers are, and just keep um asking those open-ended questions. So thing like things like what does submission feel like to you, or what makes you feel most seen and valued in your role or during a scene, and just get them to be able to connect with that why and get curious together. So really having a shared journey really fosters that deeper connection. So read books together, listen to podcasts like this together, um, take workshops on DS dynamics together, and just share and discuss what resonates most with you, and that all helps at the stage, and you'll be taking the lead so they can open up too. And one of my biggest tips with this, something that my dom does, is he has me keep a submissive journal. And so this is a safe place where I can really open up. Sometimes he does give me prompts, but a lot of times it's just a stream of consciousness and a little, a lot of like garbled mess in there. And I am just sharing exactly what is on my mind, like really unfiltered. And I know it's a a safe place where he can read exactly what I'm thinking and feeling. And I know there's no like huge repercussions from this. It's not something like I'm gonna get punished for for thinking and feeling these things, but it's kind of this unedited, raw version of what is going in my mind, in my mind. So he doesn't have to like crawl in there, he can just see it on paper and do with it what he will. Another thing my Dom likes to do to just really know what's on my mind is a lot of times, you know, he'll ask me how I'm doing, you know, what I'm thinking, what I what I'm feeling, and I kind of give that default response of, oh nothing, or oh, I'm fine. And he just gets really dom and serious with me and will say, Tell me exactly what you're thinking and feeling in this moment. And I know that as a submissive, you know, my Dom has just commanded me. And so I will just blurt out exactly what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling in that moment. And so that's kind of a way to where he creates this little safe space for me to do this. And I actually saw something like this on the show Ted Lasso. I don't know if you watched that show, but they talked about how they have this role when they say the word Oklahoma, it's kind of like a safe word, almost like a cue, to where when one partner says that, that they just say exactly what they're thinking and feeling, because a lot of us have this default where we think we have to just project that everything is okay all the time. And so on that show, when one of them says Oklahoma, they just kind of spill the beans and say, What is exactly what they're thinking and feeling. So you can use a word like that, or you can do what my Dom does, where he just, you know, gets really stern and dominant with me and just says, Tell me what you're really thinking and feeling. And I know this is my time to, you know, take my guard down and just really tell my dominant how I'm feeling. But experiment with what works for you. You can also use visualizations that helps too. Um, and just different like role-playing exercises too, because sometimes people are are more comfortable to let their guard down when they're role-playing. But um, hopefully that gave you some ideas to get started. But I do want to give a disclaimer that the goal of crawling into the mind of your sub isn't to control and manipulate them. It's really to be empathetic, to be curious, to want to help them. So, and and to learn more about your sub so that you can help them. So always remember that when you're going into it, to have those motivations and come from that place of wanting to help and protect and take care of your submissive, and that way it'll go better for both of you. But again, I hope all of that helped. Okay, our next question is from Justin. How can a person with a disability find comfort in exploring BDSM and show their potential partner that they can trust them to satisfy their needs and protect them? I actually did a whole episode on disability and BDSM, and I shared a lot about my journey with disability and how that affects me as a sub and how it affects my DOM. Um, so you can go back and check that out. It's actually at DomSubliving.com slash zero three eight. But living with a disability doesn't mean that you can't have a fulfilling BDSM experience. I think so many people who have disabilities, they have a lot of you know self-consciousness, a lot of shame, even sometimes. But you can have a fulfilling BDSM kinky life. It just really requires intentionality, um, communication, just being more thoughtful in how you approach this. So I'll give you some tips. So obviously, communication is going to be so important here, and you need to be really clear about your limits, your boundaries, and what your needs are up front. If you're unsure of those things, um, now may not be the time to be finding a partner. You need to be really sure about those things or at least on the right track. Um, and you can use tools like a BDSM checklist, you can use pre-seen negotiation works at worksheets to really help guide those conversations that you have with a partner or a potential partner. But being really specific about what you need physically, emotionally, or even just logistically to can kind of just break down those barriers. And educate yourself and your partner too. So that way you both understand things about this disability and how it can affect you in the lifestyle. Because the more you know, the more it will remove that fear or that uncertainty. Because a lot of times we fear things that we don't understand. And so a partner may be unsure about what the disability can mean with the dynamic when they when they don't even really understand what the disability is. So definitely share resources about BDSM and disability. Um, you share resources about what the disability is, you know, itself. Um, for me, I have reflex sympathetic dystrophy. A lot of people don't know what that is. And so if I were to tell a new partner that right off the bat, they, you know, it sounds like this scary term. And so they'd probably, you know, maybe just shut down or, you know, not know what to do. So having that knowledge right off the bat where you can help educate them, and it just really helps again to break down those boundaries. But the key things you want to mention to your partner are just telling them the ways that BDSM can be adapted for your particular disability, um, how you can still enjoy certain types of sensory play, um, different maybe low impact ideas that will still work for you. Um, because it's really about what you can do and not what you can't do. And then as far as building trust with that new partner or that potential partner, so we always have to remember that trust is built through small, consistent actions over time. They're not going to, you know, have this big trusting relationship with you or trust that you will trust them, you know, right off the bat. So start with really low risk, low-intensity activities to really help establish that confidence. Discuss what your aftercare needs are in detail, um, really emphasizing like recovery and things like that, and having those check-ins regularly that will help build their confidence that they can have this type of relationship with you and come from a place of we and not just you or I, and really talking about having a judgment-free zone and just continue to reframing how your disability enhances the experience and the dynamics. So, for example, you maybe you have heightened sensory perception, or you because of the things you aren't able to do physically, you're more in tuned emotionally and you're able to really get into the the psycho psychology of BDSM and kink. So, again, focusing on those strengths and not the things that you can't do. And then I can't stress this enough, but choose the right partner. Choose a partner who is mature and understands these things and is compassionate and is willing to talk about disability. Um, look for someone who values empathy and communication and is willing to be creative and adapt. And don't be afraid to walk away from someone who invalidates your experiences or who just dismisses your needs. I think a lot of times people with disabilities, we think that we need to settle with whatever partner we are able to have, that we kind of think we're on this, you know, bottom level of the kink ladder, and we just have to accept any person who's willing to give us attention. And that is not the case. Um, there are mature, compassionate, empathetic people in the community who would be totally willing to learn about you, give you the patience you deserve and the aftercare that you need and the adaptations that you need. So you just need to be patient too in finding those types of partners. And if they're still unsure or they're asking a lot of questions, just really share how they can help protect and support you during a scene. So um again, the more knowledge they have, the more confident they will be in um having this relationship with you. So teach them this, you know, the the symptoms that you may have, you know, different signs of discomfort, maybe even overstimulation, um, and just all the things that are specific to you and your disability. But the more confident and assured you are in yourself, the more that will rub off onto the other person. So if you're not even trusting yourself and trusting that you can do this, your your partner is not gonna trust the situation too. So um, you know, share with your partner how excited you are, how confident you are, and just continue to celebrate the small wins that you have along the way and think about in the past all the things that you've been able to do too, and just really keep it positive. Because ultimately, BDSM is about creating a dynamic that works for both partners, and that includes adapting to meet each other's needs. Because let's face it, we if we're not disabled now, we're all at risk at becoming disabled in the future, and or we might get sick or things come up. So you need an empathetic partner. Um, and they need an empathetic partner too, because we don't know what the future will hold, but by embracing open communication, um, being creative, building trust, you can absolutely create a safe and satisfying BDSM experience. So I hope that helped. Okay, our next question is from Eduardo. What can you tell to any sub struggling with being proactive in their role without the fear of being interpreted as tapping from the bottom or not respecting their DOM? So, great question. This is such a common struggle for submissives, and I love that you're reflecting on it, but it's absolutely possible to overcome it with the right mindset and of course communication. So I think the biggest thing here is really understanding what proactive even means. So when we talk about that, what are we even meaning? So being proactive doesn't mean taking control, it means anticipating needs and supporting the dynamic. So a sub needs to think of their actions as enhancing the um dynamic, not challenging it. So a real simple example of this is for a sub to prepare their Dom's favorite drink without being asked. Um, so if you know your Dom comes home from work, instead of waiting for the dominant to say, you know, give me, you know, make me coffee, please, or you know, give me a cold drink from the fridge, please, the sub, you know, can see that their Dom is coming home, you know, already is starting to prepare and has it completely ready when the dominant walks in. So um, they're not topping from the bottom. It's not a negative thing. They're just um again, anticipating their partner's needs. And if a sub is still thinking, well, to me, that feels like topping from the bottom in those situations, you know, because my dominant hasn't assigned a task for me. Well, what topping from the bottom would actually look like in those situations would be if the dominant came home and the submissive started nagging their DOM and saying, you know, you should probably drink something right now. You know, you're probably dehydrated and you know, you should go drink something right now, or you know, are you seem kind of tired? Do you need caffeine? Maybe you should go have a coffee. Um, again, the submissive is just anticipating what those needs are and not nagging to get their Dom to assign a task, but instead is just taking that initiative. And if the sub is still unsure, the sub can use phrases like, would this be helpful for you if I did this? Or I'd like to support you by doing this. Is this okay? So again, asking for permission is not topping from the bottom. So if a sub shares their motivations for being proactive, um, that can go a long way. And they can do this during journaling exercises or during their check-ins or just even scene reflections too, because a sub can be proactive during a scene too. But just talk about it. If the submissive is afraid to top from the bottom, ask them why they feel that way. What does topping from the bottom look like for them? Um, because the two of you may be completely on two separate wavelengths. So talking about it really eliminates that confusion about what's acceptable proactivity. And a submissive can discuss with their DOM where the DOM may draw the line between proactivity and overstepping, because the the DOM may have their own preferences. But one little thing you can do is just sit together and create maybe a list of pre-approved tasks or rituals that the sub can kind of initiate on their own without needing that direction and kind of just start there. And it can kind of point them to the right direction and see maybe patterns like, oh, okay, these things are okay to do, but maybe not these ones. And then you can build on that too. But I would encourage them to really embrace taking the initiative and anticipating their Dom's needs because that's really the hallmark of effective submission instead of just being uh a robot and a mindless slave and just doing whatever they're told. So if you're a sub and you're not knowing where to start to anticipate your Dom's needs, so just really pay attention to your Dom's habits, what their preferences are, what their different routines are, and then kind of find these subtle ways to support them. So, for example, if you notice that your DOM is always misplacing their keys, maybe setting up a designated spot for them, you know, even decorating it really cute, and that will help them instead of being the topping from the bottom where you're nagging them and saying, you know, you're always losing your keys, you know, why can't you keep track of your keys? I'm guess, I guess I'm just gonna have to take this over and do it myself and you know, help you keep track of your keys. So that would be the complete opposite of being a proactive sub, sub who's doing it from a place of service. And if you're a DOM who really wants to start encouraging their submissive to do this and and and want your sub to start anticipating your needs. So really start having you know ongoing reassurance that will really help them to build their confidence. You don't want to always nitpick every little thing your submissive does for you, but really just you know passion. them on the back, letting them know how much you appreciate these little things that they're doing. So you can do this during check-ins um where you can just you know praise your sub of about the different proactive things they're they're doing and then the submissive can use that feedback too to really refine their actions and know okay he really they really like these things um you know maybe I can do things in these other areas too and that will help grow their role. But remember that being proactive as a submissive isn't about taking control. It's about showing devotion and thoughtfulness so when you are are both aligned in your expectations and you're communicating what is acceptable, what is what isn't acceptable, that can really keep it from overstepping the boundaries and going into topping from the bottom. But when you're being proactive and it's done thoughtfully from a place of service it's just one of the greatest gifts that a a submissive can offer. So hopefully that gave you both some tips to incorporate that more into your dynamic and not have to worry about topping from the bottom. Okay our next question is from Manny. They say I was in a dynamic where we only practice DS in the bedroom. In the bedroom our relationship was thriving outside the bedroom we started to lose connection and understanding which in turn affected our bedroom relationship. Can you give me some practical advice for handling things outside the bedroom to inspire understanding and connection okay I I love this question and it is such a powerful observation because it is one of the things I'm always harping on and preaching about. So many people who who want to be bedroom only they think you know I don't need to worry about what's going outside the bedroom or have any type of DS dynamic outside the bedroom because I am only focused on bedroom only kink. And I try to tell them that the things that happen outside the bedroom will affect what happens inside the bedroom. So you have to definitely address those two we can't you know just separate these two different lives of ourselves. We are multifaceted human beings and so we have to take these things as a whole because if we don't like you know what's happening in your case that they they will affect what happens in the bedroom. So what you can do in the future so just really reframing the dynamic as something that exists 247. So even if you're not practicing 247 this dynamic is existing 247 it's it's not in a bubble but really discuss how you both envision DS outside the bedroom like what does that mean to you are you still dominant maybe in more vanilla interactions um are you putting kinky things outside of the bedroom or are you just staying mindful as an individual so really talk about what that looks like for for each of you. And to keep that connection going outside the bedroom you want to have different rituals and routines and none of this has to be BDSM or kink related but just having those touch points of connection throughout the day can be so helpful. So these can be things like you know just different small daily rituals like you know morning check-ins, um maybe a nightly affirmation you do individually or together um just different maybe tasks um different code phrases or signals you do to just reaffirm your connection while while you're outside the bedroom maybe when you're in public and things like that. And if it's not happening which happens in a lot of our our cases because we're we're so busy with work or um family obligations you might need to schedule these and that's totally okay. So schedule your check-ins um schedule your rituals and that will help to keep the dynamic evolving and a lot of people who are are bedroom only they they will talk with your their partner about their um dynamic during bedroom time and that is one of the most stressful things to do. So I really encourage you to take these conversations outside the bedroom um and that way there's no pressure and you can really just talk about what your desires are what your fantasies are and deal with any emotions that can come up when you're not in the bedroom in in the thick of it and share non-DS activities together too because that can really help to kind of give you a break to and build that intimacy and trust. So these can be small things just non-sexual even playful time where you can just um be yourselves and explore that bond and really try new experiences together too because that can really bring you closer together and create that excitement as well. But if you are wanting to create more of a full-time dynamic or 247, you can start incorporating small DS tasks like um maybe planning meals or organizing during the week the submissive can perform small acts of service like serving coffee or preparing a snack or even setting up the the things you would need for a bedroom scene. And challenges will come up your dynamic is not going to be perfect. So when you sense that you're losing the connection address it don't do not just sweep it under the rug and think well when we have our next scene in the bedroom then we'll reconnect then no you have to um you know kind of take the initiative in this and really talk when you start seeing that you're kind of getting into that vanilla rut or you're starting to pull apart. So just keep talking with each other um you can do different relationship building exercises take workshops together even just to keep those lines of communication open. And then my other tip I have about this is to focus on emotional aftercare after the scene I think you know a lot of times when we're doing bedroom only kink we focus on the the aftercare that is like immediately after a scene and especially the physical aftercare you know we may be doing the massaging of the body parts um you know making sure we have a snack and covering up maybe even showering those are all physical things but really um focusing on the emotional aspects of aftercare so encouraging your partner to to journal checking in with them the next day when you're outside the bedroom and not in the in the heat of it that can show that you you really care and just really reinforces that dynamic and helps you both to stay focused and centered in your roles. And another thing I really encourage you to do something me and my DOM do is to create goals together. So have goals as a DOM and a sub but also relationship goals too because that really gives you something to work towards together. It could be something like mastering a skill um maybe doing a a certain type of scene and then that way you can both plan for it and prepare. It could be going to a munch or a a kink event but that just really builds that mutual excitement and connection but be patient with all of this because when you're adapting a DS dynamic to include non-bedroom elements it definitely takes time. So start small maybe just one or two changes kind of assess and adapt and then maybe add another ritual or another task and just see how you're both feeling but hopefully in your next dynamic you can use these tips to really just strengthen your connection outside the bedroom and that will help reignite the spark inside the bedroom. Okay our next question is from TG and they said what is the funniest thing that you are willing to share that happened in your dynamic so I absolutely love this question because sometimes we get so focused on the seriousness or the intensity of a DS dynamic that we forget how much fun and humor can be a part of it. So yes I have funny stories I have a few of them so I'll I'll just share a couple. So one of the ones I kind of always share is just when we were newbies and starting out and getting into wax play um we thought we were super cool and we didn't need to prepare or set up in any of the ways that we we now know that we should and so we just started off um doing wax didn't have any kind of coverings or anything and we got wax all over the carpet and um kind of ruined it in a lot of places. So that was just kind of like a rookie mistake but something that like looking back on now we can kind of just laugh and play off. And then another funny story I have involves my kids because um you know I've shared before that we have kids and um we've been practicing BDSM since they were even toddlers even but this one time so to give you some backstory um I, you know, on top of all my multiple illnesses and disabilities and things I was dealing with back pain really bad at one time because my back has atrophied muscles um from when I had cancer and things like that. But so I was going to physical therapy my kids knew about this. I was always complaining about my back and so my Dom would a lot of times have to massage my back and things like that and like really work into it and get really hard into it. So one time our kids were watching TV or doing video games and we thought they were occupied and so we were in the bedroom and doing a um maintenance spanking but we didn't realize like they had their headphones off and they could hear I wasn't getting you know super loud and into it but they they did hear the the impact. So we came out of the bedroom and my youngest one asked um was was dad massaging your your back and like we both looked at each other like what and he's he said you know like when they massage your back and they like hit your back really hard and do that was he doing that on your back and we both just looked at each other and said yes that is exactly what was happening he was massaging my back really really hard and it feels a lot better. So I'm I'm all good now. But it was it was just that that panic of looking at each other and yes that is exactly what happened and so we still laugh about that. But so um if you have kids and you're constantly worrying do they hear do they not hear you know try your best you can't be perfect. Yes we soundproof our our rooms and we try to make sure that our our kids you know are preoccupied but they're still kids and something is is going to happen. Even people who are vanilla have to deal with this too but um but they're they are oblivious to what's going on and they will just think that you're doing some kind of hard sweetest sweetish massage or something. So that was another funny story. I I have one last uh funny story to tell so this one was happening during a scene we were really excited about we had planned everything perfectly down to the lighting and the music and it was just something you know a really intense scene that we were looking forward to and it was getting really hot and really heavy and super intense while we were in the middle of it. And then Jay commanded me to do something like to um turn over or to like put my hands above my head or something and Siri pipes in on his phone and says like I'm sorry I I don't understand. Can you repeat that please? And we both just kind of froze for a second because we were in this really hot and heavy thing. I was getting ready to do this thing he commanded and we had this intrusive Siri voice talking to us. And so we just both stopped but then we just started bursting in laughter and it just completely broke the mood. But um Jay ended up saying you know I guess I'm doing a scene with two subs now like me and Siri. So you know it was fun and and we laughed about it. But moments like that just really remind me that even in the most intense scenes it's okay to laugh and let go of perfection because really even in those unexpected silly moments a lot of times those are some of our most memorable and you know we're we're still talking about it even to this day. So if something funny or awkward happens in your dynamic um just embrace it. Those moments build connection and show that it's okay to not always take everything so seriously. So um yeah I hope you enjoyed those funny stories I have. I'm sure I'm going to have a lot more in the future as well. But I also got a bunch of questions about how to balance a 247 TPE dynamic and some questions on callers and inviting additional partners into your dynamic and not just Siri but um so definitely hit subscribe because you're not going to want to miss those episodes that are going to be coming soon. Okay I think that wraps this up but um wow we went into so many different directions we talked about how to crawl into your sub's mind how to build trust when you're dealing with disability staying proactive as a sub without topping from the bottom and reconnecting outside the the bedroom to strengthen your dynamic and even shared a couple funny moments too but um I hope you found this conversation interesting and I just want to say again thank you so much for being a part of this community for being a listener of this show. And if you haven't yet take a moment to make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss any future episodes. And like I said we have some really good ones coming up that you don't want to miss. And of course if you want to ask a question for the next time we do an episode like this make sure that you are inside our Dom Subliving community at Domsubliving.com slash community and it's also linked up in the description for you too. Join us inside there are so many amazing Kingsters just like you waiting to connect and so many beautiful relationships have been formed inside of that community and it is just such a safe and awesome space. So join us inside of it and of course until next time keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sublim