SPEAKER_00 0:00

There's one mistake I see Domps and subs make in conflict that almost guarantees they'll lose control of their dynamic. And the worst part is most people don't even realize they're doing it. I'll tell you what it is and how to avoid it because I've been there too. I'm Alessandra from Dom Sub Living, and if you've ever felt like one argument can throw off your whole power dynamic, this episode is for you. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living podcast. Today we're diving into one of the hardest but most important parts of DS relationships, conflict. And this isn't going to be just the same old just communicate better advice because conflict in a DS relationship is different in a BDSM relationship, because we're not just like equals in the vanilla partner terms. And that is the whole point because one partner is supposed to be dominant and taking the lead, and the other is supposed to be submissive and following. But that power imbalance can make conflict feel more intense and more personal. So today I'm going to show you three ways to stay in your role, stay connected, and keep your power exchange strong, even during the toughest moments. Because if you've ever had an argument with your partner and kind of walked away feeling like the whole dynamic was broken, like, are we even still together? Then this episode is for you. Because maybe you have been in a past vanilla relationship or you're even with the same partner, but you've transitioned transitioned to a dom-sub dynamic, and you may be feeling like conflict feels bigger now. And so the reason that is is because in vanilla relationships, you're kind of arguing all the time, and no one thinks it means the the relationship is broken. I mean, there's even whole sitcoms on TV that are kind of based on that constant bickering. I mean, even since the I Love Lucy days, that was kind of the focus that this is what a typical vanilla relationship looks like. There's there's always conflict and arguing, arguing, but when you transition to a DS dynamic, it just feels different when you have conflict. It it feels like it's threatening your identity as a DOM or a sub. And for a lot of people, that can be very terrifying. So for a sub, when a a sub speaks up during conflict, it can feel like, did I just disobey my partner? Am I failing in my role? Am I topping from the bottom? And for DOMs, it can feel like, you know, if I I give in to my sub, um, will I still be in control? Will it make me look weak? Um, if I don't handle this perfectly, am I even still the leader? So there's a lot of second guessing there. And me and my Dom are guilty of this too. Um, one time in the beginning of our dynamic, I was really overwhelmed by a daily ritual my Dom had assigned to me. And I asked them, you know, is there a way we can adjust this? And since we were so new in our dynamic, we just both got really defensive. And he thought I was challenging his authority, and I thought I was being a good sub by communicating my limits, but it just really spiraled really, really fast and wasn't what I was intending. And the more defensive he got, the more defensive I got. And so it just got really, really bad really, really quick. So maybe you have had maybe a small disagreement that just really somehow turned into a bigger power struggle than you thought it needed to be. And then suddenly you're both kind of left wondering like, how did this even happen? So when that happened to us when we first started out, what we didn't realize is that we were both making the same mistake that I'm about to share with you today. So the number one mistake that couples make during conflict is they try to win instead of restoring the power exchange. The only thing that should be winning is your dynamic. But when things get tense, DOMs want to reassess control and subs want to prove they're a good sub. And so both of those instincts come from really just fear of losing your status. But the second you try to win the conflict, you're really losing the power exchange. So how this can play out is maybe a sub starts to question a role, and not in a submissive way, but maybe in an accusing way or a topping from the bottom way. And then maybe the the Dom responds with, well, you know, the classic, you know, well, because I said so, or because I'm the Dom, that's why. So when you you both kind of feed off of each other in this way, it really just starts to spiral. But what would change if instead of trying to win, you focused on restoring your roles? And so I'm gonna be sharing three ways to handle conflict without sabotaging the power exchange. So the first way is to use role-based language. Because when you stay in your role, you have to speak in your role too. So this means using honorifics, using I statements, and language that just really reinforces your power dynamic. Because it seems like when you start getting into a conflict, that's kind of the first thing that I see either in my own dynamic or other people's dynamics that I'm helping to coach. That seems like the first thing that is dropped, that you stop with that language in your dynamic. Maybe you instead of calling your your partner sir, you start immediately referring to them by their their first name. Um, or instead of using those respectful I statements, you start getting accusing with the the you statements. So for DOMS, you know, whatever you call your submissive. So it could be, you know, something like little one, um, baby girl, whatever it is that you use, continue to use those terms for your partner during a conflict. And you can also use phrases like, you know, I hear you, um, instead of saying something like, you know, don't challenge me. So for a submissive, you know, the same thing, using those honorifics. So you can say something like, you know, sir, I'm I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. Can I communicate that with you right now? Is that a good time? So asking for permission to is a good way for a submissive to stay in their role. Because how different would your arguments feel if you stayed in your role the whole time? I know we're not perfect, you know, we may slip, but if we try our best to really stay in our role, things will work out way better. And then the the second way is to use rituals to de-escalate things. So I see this time and time again where um, you know, a couple is dealing with either a short-term conflict or a long-term conflict, and they try to pause the the dynamic and they just say, let's take a break from being dom sub, you know, let's just kind of put that on the back burner. Um, so instead of pausing the dynamic, use a a ritual to really just calm the situation while still staying in your roles. So instead of, you know, a dom saying, Well, let's just take a break from being Dom sub while, you know, we focus on working this out. You know, the Dom can say something like, you know, well, you know, little one, I'm going to need some time to think about this. Let me take a walk and, you know, think about this. Or they can assign their submissive um journaling time to um kind of have that break, but still be in the dynamic. Um, even if you're starting to see that the conversation's getting heated, the the DOM can redirect things by asking the sub to bring them water. And that's kind of just a grounding task that a submissive can do. And it kind of gives you that that physical break where maybe you're not in each other's presence, but you're just taking a quick moment to um, you know, go get a drink of water or something to bring back to the dominant, and then it kind of just recenters you. Um, a classic one that I like to do is just kneel for maybe two minutes just as a way to calm my mind. Or sometimes if things are getting heated or we're about to discuss something that could get a little tense, I'll I'll kneel just to kind of set the stage of how things are going to be. And then if things are getting really, really intense and heated and we're starting to lose our cool, sometimes what my dom will do is he'll actually sit on the floor with me. So, you know, he's not lowering himself, but he's more on my level. And that way we can have eye contact and you know, we're not in these, um, you know, struggling with power exchange. It's more of this mutual respect that we have for each other. So sometimes, you know, he's not kneeling, but he's just sitting at my level during the during these really emotionally heated times and touch each other too. So sometimes if I'm really struggling, I will sit on his lap, you know, if I'm feeling really vulnerable, or even he'll just take my hand while we're talking. Um, and that can just help too. It's really hard to argue with someone when you're holding hands. Um, try it and you'll see what I mean. But even during one conflict, even my my dom asked me to present my my play collar and um so that he can put it on me because my play collar is more um tighter and thicker and more kind of restrictive. Um, it wasn't a punishment, but it was just a way to re-ground the power exchange because he had to put it on me. It's you know, I can't put it on myself. And so he, you know, him taking the time to put it on me was a break in the conversation too. Um, and then I was able to feel it and it have that, you know, physical reminder of my role. And, you know, honestly, it worked as soon as he put that on me, you know, we were both in a better frame of mind. But the third way to handle conflict in a DS dynamic is to reaffirm the dynamic after the conflict. I think so many of us forget this part where we just had a heated argument and maybe we're done talking and we say, okay, that's settled, that's resolved, and you kind of just go your separate ways, but your body is still holding that energy from that conflict. And maybe your mind is ruminating over and over about what just happened, or you're you're coming up with new and more different points. And I know that's the the case with me, where I'm just constantly playing it back in my head and I can't let it go. So having a something to do where you reaffirm the dynamic afterwards is so helpful. So, some ways you can do this is just having the sub complete a small task. So something mundane, like even just folding um towels. So, you know, after a conflict, if they have something mundane to do where they can just focus on that can really help a sub. Um, and for a DOM, too, really getting back in touch with themselves as a Dom. So even just having a small little task or command. I know a lot of times my my Dom, when we're done talking, he'll give me something small to do for him. Um, so that way he's really quickly back into his role. So it could be something like, you know, okay, we're we're done talking, or, you know, we're not gonna bring this up until tomorrow or in another hour. And he'll say, um, I'd like you to bring me a glass of water now, um, or I'd like you to do this other really simple thing. And so that brings him back into his role to just really give me something small. And then we can kind of have that little physical break where I go do that task. And so we're we're not in, you know, each other's spaces. Um, and it gives us that that physical break, but we're both doing something that puts us back in our roles and definitely switch topics too. You don't want to be like, oh, there's one other thing I wanted to talk about, or you know, oh, or I forgot to mention this. Um, do something to switch the topic. So, you know, after I go um, you know, get a glass of water or something, you know, I'll ask him, can you tell me about work? Um, even if I'm still very upset, still in my body a lot of times, like he knows I need to mentally change subject. So he'll start talking about something mundane to really get my mind off of it. But I'll I'll tell you a quick story. So one time after, you know, a really um emotional conflict we were having, my my dom told me to go and count all the light switches in the house. And it sounds so stupid, but it really just recentered me as a submissive because I had to go and meticulously count every light switch in the room. And, you know, this is actually a very tedious task. It doesn't sound like that, but because you know, different rooms may have a couple light switches, or you forget that, you know, oh, there was a light switch in this room that I totally forgot. And it gets me walking throughout the house too. So I'm getting that energy, that you know, emotional energy kind of out of my body and giving me something small to focus, focus on. And, you know, counting things is really helpful too. And then I had to, you know, report back to my dom with how many I was able to count. So it just really recentered me as a submissive, kind of gave me that physical and mental break. And by the end of counting all the light switches in our house, I really did feel like a sub again. So it really worked. But definitely when you're handling arguments in your dynamic, remember to use that role-based language. So things like honorifics, I statements, um, having that respectful tone, and then de-escalating with in-roll rituals. So things like kneeling or different service tasks and reaffirming the power exchange after the conflict. So having those grounding tasks or those different little commands can go a long way. But leave a comment and tell me which of these strategies do you want to try in your DS dynamic? And if you want more tools like this, definitely download my free protocols master list. It's packed with simple, effective protocols to strengthen your power exchange. And you can download that for free at domsubliving.com/slash protocols. I'll put a link for it in the description too. But if this video gave you even one useful tip, hit the like button so other DOMs and subs can find it too. And be sure to subscribe for more tools to strengthen your dynamic. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Subliving.