SPEAKER_00 0:00

You know the moment when you realize no one handed you a guidebook for a BDSM? Yeah, me too. Hi, I'm Alessandra from Doms of Living, and today I've rounded up five incredible kink educators to share the number one thing they wish they knew before they started. These are the hard-earned lessons they learned the long way, so you don't have to. Let's jump in. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living Podcast. I'm super excited that you're spending time with me today and not just me today, but with several other kinksters like you who've struggled and who wish they could do things differently in one way or another. That's what this episode is all about. This is a unique episode. I'm bringing multiple clips from several different kink educators in the online PDSM world. And I'll be chiming in after each of them just to take it a little deeper about what they had to say. And I'll tell you exactly what they're going to be talking about in just a second. Yeah, it did take a little bit of time to put this together, but I thought it would be fun to ask the same question to different kink experts out there who are living the BDSM lifestyle, who have found success with it, and who would love to share their experience with those who are just starting out too. That's what this episode is about. I've had the privilege of personally working with each of these amazing people, and some of their answers really teared me up, and some made me crack up laughing too. But I'm going to share their name, who they are, and where you can find them so you can actually connect with that person online. And I'm also going to share their answer to the question what's the number one thing you wish you knew before starting BDSM? Like I said earlier, I'll chime in a little bit afterwards for each one, and then we'll wrap it up. But all right, here we go. Here is the first one. Okay, the first one is Evie Lupine. She is a kink educator and the OG YouTuber. She has an amazing Patreon too. We've actually been collaborating together for the past five years, and she is the sweetest thing. And you can find her on YouTube. Just search Evie Lupine on there. But here she is.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

Hello everyone. My name is Evie Lupine, and I am here to answer the question: what is the number one thing that I wish I would have known before starting BDSM? And the number one thing that I would have wanted to know before I got into trying kink and trying BDSM would have been, I wish I would have known that kink can be whatever you want it to be. For whatever reason, when I was first getting into the lifestyle, a lot of the material that was out there a decade ago was very prescriptive and very much focused on if you want to be submissive, you have to do it this way. If you want to be a masochist, it looks like this. Pet play looks like this. You have to be this thing. And if you are a woman, your kink looks like this. If you're a man, your kink looks like this. And it was so narrow and so confining. And we were all very concerned with matching what those models were. And they were not actually helpful at all to having what I think is more important, which is having a genuine, authentic kink experience. And while it can be really nice to have a guidepost, have something to sort of aim for and know where the boundaries are of kink, being cane to that, being forced to act in a way that's not really true to who you are because it's following someone else's model of what they think kink has to be, that's not going to give you the best possible experience. I would have liked to have known that my version of kink was okay. I didn't have to try and squish down my needs and desires into somebody else's mold. I could make my own mold with my partner. I could do kink the way that I wanted to do it. And it was just as valid as whatever other people were saying in blog posts or on Instagram or on Tumblr. I could forge my own path. And I think what I would want to communicate to people getting into kink is that if you are new to this, learn from many different sources, yes, get inspiration from different places, but it's really about learning who you are on the inside and finding what that genuine expression means for you.

SPEAKER_00 4:25

So that was Evie Lupine. And again, you can connect with her on YouTube, just search her name. But I really love what she said. And two key words she said there were genuine and authentic. And I really think we have to stay true to that when we're starting the BDSM lifestyle because we want to be in it for the long haul. And if we're just trying to do what we see on Instagram and things like that, it's not going to last. And she also brought out that yes, guidelines and boundaries are good. So we always want to keep things safe. We want to keep it consensual. And so it is good to have those guidelines and boundaries. So I'm glad she brought that out. But I just love her message of being true to yourself and just really learning who you are as a person. And that takes a lot of time and self-reflection too. So don't feel like you have to rush your journey. Next up is Sunny Megatron. She has a laundry list of credentials. She is an award-winning educator in the kink space. She even has her own original series on Showtime. And you can find all of her links for her amazing classes and things at direct.me slash Sunny Megatron. But let's see what she has to say.

SPEAKER_03 5:45

The number one thing that I wish I knew before starting BDSM is something that became not only a cornerstone of my personal kink, but a cornerstone of my entire teaching philosophy. And that is kink is customizable. Now I'm a late-in-life kinkster. It's about my mid-30s. And I always knew I was kinky deep down inside, but I thought I was the only one. I had no idea there was a community that other people were into this, that I wasn't weird. And then I stumbled upon this brand new at the time website called Fet Life and realized there was a community. And I was thrilled. So I went out and I found my local community where I lived at the time. And then I discovered something. Now I was interested in kink because I thought that kink would let me reject all of those supposed rules that society put on my sexuality and my sexual identity, you know, because I'm a woman, I have to like this and that, or can't do this, and yada yada yada. And I thought, well, I can make my own rules in kink. And when I met my local community, they were, well, what I know now at the time, very old guard, very traditional. And so women were submissive, men were dumb, and it was very heteronormative. Everyone was very, very serious. There were certain rules that had to be adhered to. And I was like, whoa, wait a minute. I guess kink's not for me because I thought it was something different. Well, luckily I did discover that was just one flavor. And if that's your flavor, cool. But if your flavor's different, you can make kink what you want because it is customizable. Yes, you need the kink, all of the things that go with it. But all those other rules about the way that we're supposed to act and what we're supposed to wear and all that stuff that we think are rules about kink are just preferences. So I wish I knew earlier. Did I have it upside down before? That kink is customizable.

SPEAKER_00 7:53

So that was Sunny Megatron, and you can connect with her at direct.me slash Sunny Megatron. But I just crack up every time I hear her. She is just so much fun. She has so much fresh energy, and I just love working with her. And she brought out a lot of things like Evie did, where you can kind of just see this recurring theme in this episode where you really have to do kink and BDSM your way. And she even brought out how Kink is customizable. And yes, she has the trademark on that too. So just remember you are not alone on this journey though. And the community is changing, it's becoming more inclusive, but definitely make it your own. And that way you can find fun with it and success with it too. Now we have Kayla Lourdes and John Brownstone from Loving BDSM. And again, I've been collaborating with them for about five years also. And they have their own website you can check out at lovingbdsm.net. They have a really fun podcast and YouTube channel, and they are just the cutest couple. So definitely check them out. John even has a whole handmade paddle shop too at thekinkery.com. But here they are.

SPEAKER_05 9:17

The number one thing I wish I knew about BDSM before I started, it was okay. There's other people that do this. I'm not strange. I'm not weird. There's not anything wrong with me. And you know, that's something I wish I knew. Okay, because that was a a a little bit of a hurdle for me to get over. You know, at that time. Um, you know, stuff like this, the internet wasn't there. It wasn't there. Kind of had to figure it out on your own. So uh yeah, I wish I I had known, you know, back then at that time that yeah, it's okay. You're all right.

SPEAKER_04 9:59

The number one thing I wish I had known about BDSM before I like really got involved, you know, when I was like figuring out, oh, pink, and oh, that's kind of nice, is that it's almost never going to match the fantasy, whether that's the erotica you've read, the porn you've watched, the black and white airbrushed images you found on Tumblr, or is that just me and I showing my age? Um it's almost never and probably never going to look like that. The thing that's getting me turned on and ready to go and let's try this. And that is also okay. And it's probably a good thing that it's not, because the vast majority of us, myself included, can't live in the fantasy. We have to live in the real world where we have jobs and kids and families and pets, and you can't just be kneeling naked by the bed 24-7. Get boring, really, when you think about it. And quite frankly, finding the reality that works for me has made BDSM satisfying and a thing that I cannot live without, and has just made it better than trying to chase the fantasy of what I thought I wanted based on the limited amount of information I even had access to when I figured out that BDSM was a thing and that I liked it.

SPEAKER_00 11:20

So that was Kayla Lourdes and John Brownstone from lovingBDSM.net. And with this one, I actually got really teary-eyed the first time I listened to it because um just what John was bringing up about you know, feeling like there's, you know, something wrong with you when you are starting out with BDSM. And I know I felt that too. So it was just so reassuring to know I wasn't alone in feeling that way, and that there is nothing wrong with me. And I really appreciated Kayla bringing out, you know, the reality of BDSM versus the fantasy, because I definitely fell into that trap when I first started out. And it's hard when you have kids and jobs, and you know, I've always just really appreciated John and Kayla because they are also parents like me. And so that's one of the reasons I try to be so open about the fact that we have children, the fact that I deal with chronic illnesses, because I know that when you're dealing with these things and you're just being bombarded with the fantasy of kink, it can be make you feel so alone. So I've I've always just took an inspiration from them because they are just on a similar journey, like me and my partner are. So um, I've really just appreciated their journey and it is just so beautiful. And so I just love their response. Next up is Amanda Dames, aka the Kink Consultant. And Amanda is one of those kink educators you would just love to go have coffee with and just spill all of your kinky guts with. She is just so fun and approachable, but she's super popular on Instagram and TikTok as the Kink Consultant, and she has a podcast now too. So you can even book a session with her at amandadames.com slash booking. But here's what she had to say.

SPEAKER_02 13:29

The one thing I wish I'd known before starting my kink and BDSM journey was that I am not broken for wanting the things I want. There's nothing to be ashamed of, there's no reason for me to be embarrassed. There are so many people out there. We're talking millions who are interested in the same things I'm interested in. And yeah, they might not be getting involved in the community, but it doesn't make me any more isolated or alone for wanting the things I want. If I had just learned to shed the shame and accept myself sooner, I think I would have found it a lot easier beginning my journey. Now, on the other side of all of that, I have just found an incredible group of lifelong friends, partners who I've been able to enjoy amazing experiences with. And as cheesy as it might sound, I really found my true self. Being unapologetically me has been one of the greatest gifts. And I think BDSM helped me find that.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

So that was Amanda Daynes, aka the Kink Consultant, and you can find her on Instagram at the underscore kink consultant. And I really appreciated what she said about dealing with shame. I I actually really felt that in my core. Um, I experienced that, that deep-rooted shame so much. Um, and I love that she pointed out how there is literally millions of people out there who are kinky and into these types of things because I hear from so many of my students where they say there's no one in my town doing these things. And that is just not true. I have so many students who are parents, who are from small towns, who are even ministers, um, school teachers, doctors, farmers. Um, I have people all the way, you know, from 18-year-olds to 80-year-olds who are doing this. So you are definitely not alone. Um, and just like her, BDSM has really helped me to find my true self. Um, and I just love how there's so much that we can learn on our journeys. You know, a lot of times I say, um, you know, this is about BDSM and this is not about BDSM because so much of what we we teach as educators just applies to all aspects of our lives. And so that's what she brought out that the more we get into this, the more it just improves all, improves all aspects of our lives and makes us a better person. So I just really thought that was so beautiful. Next up is Lazarus Redmane from theduchy.com, and he has a huge passion for rope and other types of bondage, and his tutorials are really practical and fun. But here's what he had to say.

SPEAKER_06 17:47

Alessandra from Dom Sub Living sent me this question. What's the number one thing you wish you had known before getting into BDSM? I wish I had known that I was not alone, that there were other people out there like me. Now I'm one of these people who was kinky before I even knew what sex was. I grew up in the 80s in a religious household. So for a kid like that, it was almost impossible for me to find out anything about this stuff except for some pretty sketchy sources. A few books to the back of the library and the 80s action cartoons. Scooby-Doo. But in those stories, it's always the evil character doing the bondage. Also, because I was in a religious household, anything to do with sex was doubly taboo and sinful. I had no one that I could confide in about my interest in bondage. There was no way for a kid like me to learn from a real person that interest in bondage wasn't evil, that there were lots of other people out there like me. Had I understood that I was not alone, I could have learned a lot without having to discover for myself. I could have learned how to control my risk as I explored instead of having to have some relatively close shaves. I could have learned that it was not just the bad guys who were into bondage. Learned much earlier about informed, authentic consent, how to obtain it, how to protect it, how to preserve it. Learned that there are others out there with desires that mirror my own. Those who long to feel the bite of the rope or feel the chain on their collar get jerked short. And learned easier ways to ethically find these people and how to connect with them. Thankfully, the world has changed. Information about this is freely available. Like this video. There are others out there that are like you. Results of reputable studies do vary, but it's generally accepted that over half of all people are interested in bondage to some degree or another, and about a quarter of them have at least done some experimentation. About a tenth of them make it a part of their active lifestyle. If you want to read about these studies, go to theducchie.com/slash about for the links. If you have any questions about this stuff, there's a lot of great people out there who are willing to help. Reach out. We'll reach back.

SPEAKER_00 20:02

So that was Lazarus Redmain from theducy.com. Definitely go check out his rope tutorials. I've collaborated with him before when I hosted the Dom Sub Dynamics Summit, but I loved what he had to say, especially about growing up in a religious household. I know I've shared more about that before, but it is really hard when you're dealing with, you know, all the stigmas and that come with being in a religion from a young age. And that is just such a hard thing to overcome. And I love that he, you know, brought out that his love of bondage kind of started from cartoons and Scooby-Doo. And um, for me, it was actually Slave Leia from Star Wars. But his overall message of just being, you know, not alone, um, especially now with you know how huge the internet is and the online community there, um, you aren't alone. There are so many other people out there who love BDSM and would love to connect with you. You can even join our free community at domsubliving.com slash communities. There's just so many different people out there who are on this journey like you. And I just loved how he brought all that out and I thought it was just amazing. But I want to finish off by sharing my one thing that I wish I knew before I first got started with BDSM. Before I get to that though, thank you to all of the educators who took time out of their busy schedules and created a message for everybody here to listen to on the show. So, all the experts that left a clip for me, thank you so much for that. I really, really appreciate it. What was really interesting after listening and going through and editing everything was that most of them were all pretty different, but also very similar to. And I just believe that that shows you that everybody has their own different struggles in the beginning and that there are ways to get through them no matter what. But in the beginning, it is going to be tough. Later down the road, when you're an experienced dom or sub, you're going to be saying some of the same things to yourself too. But just know that you're not alone. There's a lot of people out there like you, like these people who have been featured on the show today, who are just a few steps ahead of you, and we're here to help. I'm very thankful that they came to share their wisdom today. So thank you everyone. I really appreciate it. But to finish off with, I guess I'm number six, the sixth quote unquote expert, but I'll go and finish it off and close out the show by telling you what my one thing was. And like everybody else said, I did struggle when I first started. I wish I knew all of these things before I got started as a submissive. But the one thing that I feel that ties everything together is that before I got started with BDSM, I wish I knew how powerful and how much potential I had as someone who enjoys this lifestyle. This is not something to be ashamed of or to hide or think that you're some weird freak or weirdo, but practicing BDSM is just so rewarding and it benefits. All aspects of my life. Um, as a you know, wife, as a mother, as a human being on this earth, as a friend, it's just really made me a better person. Um, it's definitely helped my relationship with my husband, and we've had such a better partnership now that we are in this lifestyle. So I just wish I would have embraced all of that more and not have been ashamed of it, but really just fully owned it. Because a lot of times I say, if being a Dom or a sub was easy, then everybody would be doing it. Everybody would just pick up the book 50 Shades of Gray and become a 24-7 Dom or Sub in a total power exchange relationship. But in real life, this isn't easy. So it does take a very strong individual to live this lifestyle. And the way I kind of see it is BDSM is my superpower. So I really think I took the beginning of my journey for for granted and didn't realize how incredible this journey was. And I just really wish sometimes I could go back and just really be fully present and not rush through things and just really enjoy that beginner's mind where everything was so new and exciting and not always having to rush to do more or experience more, instead, just savoring every moment. So appreciate your journey no matter where you are right now, whether you're bedroom only or 24-7, whether you're a veteran or you're brand new, and just realize you have so much power and potential. So be present and enjoy BDSM to the fullest. I have to thank you all for listening in, and especially because you, the audience, the Dom Subliving community, you are what helps me stay on this journey. So I wanted to just thank you so much for your time today. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you want to go and leave a review about what you thought about this episode on Apple Podcasts, I'd really appreciate it. And you can also get the show notes at Domsubliving.com slash zero six five, which includes the names of everybody who were here and also all of their links where you can connect with them online. And that is domsubliving.com slash zero six five for episode sixty-five. I also wanted to give you a free gift today just for listening to show my appreciation for you. And you can grab it at domsubliving.comslash gift. It's access to dozens of BDSM resources like videos, workbooks, worksheets, guides, quizzes, and you can redeem all of that for free at domsubliving.comslash gift. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Subliving community. And a huge thank you to all of the amazing educators who contributed today. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the description and show notes, and be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.