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Total power exchange sounds intense, right? Like, who actually lives that way? Well, I do. And it's been the most fulfilling experience of my life. I'm Alessandra from Domb Subliving, and in this episode, I'll show you exactly how me and my partner built the relationship we have now, one step at a time. Welcome to the Dom Sub-Living podcast. When people hear 24-7 total power exchange, they imagine extremes, like needing permission to breathe, or just being in a constant power struggle. But here's the thing TPE isn't about control for control's sake. It's about trust, intention, and freedom. So there's this myth you may have heard that TPE or total power exchange is just about abuse disguised as kink. And that can't be farther from the truth because in reality, abuse lacks consent. And TPE, on the other hand, thrives on communication and consent. And then there's this other myth that if you're in one of these types of dynamics, that you'll somehow lose your independence. But again, the reality is that TPE can actually empower both partners, the DOM and the sub, to really thrive in their roles. And one time I actually had a friend kind of believe this myth about me at one time and kind of pass judgment, but I was able to frame it in a way where they actually saw it was for my own benefit. So I was at this party with a bunch of other women and it was at a friend's apartment. So we were in this apartment complex and it was late at night. And the way the parking was, none of us can park inside the parking complex. We had to park outside the parking complex. So when it came time for us to leave for the night, I said, you know, hold on, let me text my husband really quick to let him know that I'm going to be, you know, leaving and going out to my car. So that way he knows where I'm at. And one of my other friends just kind of gave me this like concerned look, like, I can't believe you're in this type of controlling relationship. And they were like, really? Like your husband makes you, you know, text him when you're, you know, leaving from one place to another. And I just basically said, Yeah, because he cares about me and wants to know where I am and that I'm safe. And they were still kind of shocked. And then they said, Well, my husband doesn't really care about stuff like that. And I think when they said it themselves, they realized, like, oh, maybe my husband should care about things like that. So I never see it as I'm losing my independence. I really see being in a TPE relationship that it really is for my benefit and helps me grow as a partner. But if you're thinking, okay, this type of 24-7 TPE dynamic sounds good to me, but I don't even know where to start. Well, trust me, you're not alone. A lot of people feel that way, but we all have to start somewhere. So just take it one step at a time, and I'm going to show you how to do that right now. So, step one is to start with education. So, really learn and explore without pressure because that is just so important because you don't want to dive in too fast. And especially if you have a partner already, you don't want to scare them either. So every journey just really begins with curiosity. And for us, it just really started with late night Google searches, um, different books, and just a ton of conversations. Because I remember stumbling across an article about power dynamics and you know, 24-7 dynamics. And I remember thinking, like, wait, people actually do this outside the bedroom. And it just felt like this missing piece of a puzzle that I didn't even really know I was solving at the time. It just everything clicked and made sense in that moment. But some examples of different resources to get you started in this first step is just really different books out there, blogs, workshops, um, podcasts like this one. Um, we have our DOM sub training course, which takes you through all of this step by step. So that's always there as a resource if you need it. But so that is the the first step, just really starting with education. And then the second step is to define roles and boundaries because clarity in your roles and just boundaries in general is just so foundation to building trust and growing. And for us, defining our roles wasn't just about figuring out, well, who's in charge. It was about understanding what the roles meant to us, what we needed, what we could give, and where we even drew the line to. And this goes beyond just being Dom and Sub, but just really knowing what are the nuances of those roles too. And so some examples of these early discussions we were having is um I started calling my my husband, I started calling him daddy, but we also played around with Sir and Master just to really see and feel what felt right for us. And then in terms of boundaries, one of my boundaries was that I needed regular check-ins, even if we were busy. And in the beginning, when we were starting 24-7 TPE, that looked like having a discussion every night, a check-in every night, just to see how was today for you? Was it too much, not enough? Would you like more? And then once we kind of got in a groove and we were like, okay, this isn't gonna fall apart, we're we're we're okay, we started moving to once a week check-ins that we have now. And we also talked about our hard and soft limits. So we had been together for many years already. So we kind of already knew what our hard and soft limits were. But as we started venturing more into BDSM, um, things got even more specific. And one um, you know, kind of soft limit that we eventu eventually explored was degradation play. I was really hesitant about it in the beginning, but me and my dom talked about it. And I was, you know, I have so many insecurities already. I was afraid that it was just going to really damage me. Um, but we really took these baby steps and talked about some of our limits around it, and it really became one of our favorite parts of our dynamic. So these conversations are just so important. But no, it can feel awkward or overwhelming to define everything, especially in the beginning, because you start wondering, like, well, what if I miss something? What if it feels too rigid? Um, what if it feels too laid back? But um, you know, here's the thing: it's okay to start small and just adjust as you go. You don't have to get it right right off the bat. And I would kind of be worried if you are trying to do too much in the very beginning. So that was step two, defining roles and boundaries. But step three is creating your contract. And I know this is where everybody groans, but contracts are really a tool for clarity and commitment. And I'll admit the idea of writing a contract just felt really formal. It felt like being back in school and having to write an essay. It, you know, just kind of felt too formal. But honestly, it turned out to be one of the best things we ever did for our dynamic. And when we first sat down to write our first version of our contract, um, we kind of made it a special ceremony thing. So we had candles lit, we drank alcohol at the time, so we had a glass of wine, and we just kind of just started, you know, with a simple question, which is, you know, what do you want out of this relationship? But um, the more we talked, it just really opened up even more discussions and the whole thing just really felt surprisingly romantic. It felt really kinky too, because we were talking about kinky things. So it just was this really special moment. But some things you want to include in a contract are things like safe words, daily rituals, um, long-term goals. Um, we do have a free contract if you want to take a look at it at dom subliving.com/slash contract that you can download and customize. It's always there for you. But if you're thinking a contract just feels too serious, or it reminds me of the scene in Fifty Shades of Gray and how cheesy that was. But remember, this isn't about perfection, it's about clarity. And also, contracts can change over time and they should change over time. And if you don't want something cheesy, you can use something just like your notes app. But we're talking about going 24-7, total power exchange. So you do need a contract to really set the guidelines for this type of relationship. Um, it never fails whenever I am coaching couples and they tell me they're dealing with issues or they're getting into the vanilla rut. One of the first things I ask them is, do you have a contract? And so many times they will say, No, we didn't want to do that. We just thought you didn't really need that, or you know, it sounded cheesy. And I'm just always like, if you have a contract, it will just fix and solve so many of the issues that you're dealing with. So always start with a contract. And again, if you need one, I got you covered at dombsobeling.comslash contract. So hopefully now you're sold on contracts, and so that brings us now to step four. So implementing daily and weekly check-ins. So we kind of already talked about this, but communication is so vital when it comes to maintaining a healthy TPE dynamic. And our first check-ins were really awkward, it was kind of just us sitting around not knowing what to do or having any format and just kind of being like, so how was your week this week? But over time they kind of did become more formal and they really just became the glue that really held everything together. Um, so now how we do it is we do them on Sunday evening. And so my Dom will have me start by kneeling, and he'll just tell me that I have permission to speak freely, and we just really talk about our wins and our challenges, um, everything we want to keep doing, improve, do, improve, uh, start or stop. We kind of talk about what we talked about last week and what our goals were then and how we're doing now, and what our goals are for the next week and what we can kind of look forward to. Um, so we just use this as an opportunity to just really talk about our dynamic and how we can improve it. And having these check-ins can really resolve different potential issues that can come up. And one time I was really, really sick. I was dealing with bronchitis for the second time. Um, and I was just sick as a dog all week and on antibiotics. And my Dom had really taken things easy on me because he knew I was sick. He wasn't um doing a lot of the rituals that we usually do. He wasn't assigning me tasks. Um, and so we still had our our weekly check-in at the end of the week. Um, we still had that, but I was able to bring up with him how I felt kind of almost neglected in a way because I knew he was taking it easy on me because I was sick and I appreciated that. But at the same time, I kind of wish that he was assigning me some things to do so I felt useful as a sub still because I was feeling kind of insecure that whole week being sick. Like I wasn't useful to him. I was failing as a sub. You know, all these stupid thoughts were going through my head. But I was able to let him know how I was feeling. And he didn't know any of this. Um, so it was a chance for him to become aware of it. And, you know, of course, he apologized. Um, he was trying to take it easy on me because he knew I was sick. But um, once it was out in the open, we were able to brainstorm different ways that I could still serve him in small ways. So just even little things like him telling me to, you know, make the bed or just go outside for five minutes to get some fresh air. Um, you know, just little things I could still do for him, little rituals we could still have. And so this really prevented a potential issue from just getting bigger. And then the next time I got sick, because of course I'm always getting sick. So I got sick another time that we were able to have small rituals and tasks for me in place. So I still felt useful as a submissive. So these check-ins are just so important. But when you're having these check-ins, you may be thinking, it just feels like all we're doing is talking. And I am always talking about how we need to communicate. But the reason is we need to have these discussions and communications so that we can do the kinky things, so we can have the scenes and go to dungeons later. We need to have that foundation so that we can really uh trust our partner and be in a position to then let go and do all those other kinky things later. So um, you know, I always say, would you rather talk about these things now or talk about them when they're bigger issues later on down the road? So really think about like maybe what's one thing you'd love to say at a check-in, but maybe you just haven't been able to yet. So that was um one of the other steps to have these regular check-ins. And then step five is to establish rituals and routines and protocols. Um, these are really what makes a TPE dynamic really sustainable and fulfilling and fun and kinky, because rituals don't have to just be romantic or just totally, you know, bland DS related. They can be kinky and fun too. But if you don't know what a ritual is or a protocol is, these are just really small but meaningful actions that are meant to remind us of our roles in our dynamic. So these can be small things like preparing your partner's coffee in the morning, um, having nightly gratitude exchanges for each other, um, or it can even be things like maintenance bankings. And some people think that rituals need to be extravagant, but honestly, the simpler the better. I kind of always say if you can't do this ritual or this task on a weekly basis, then it may be too complicated or extravagant. Um, so really just think about something easy you can do because life is always going to life. There is always going to be someone sick, um, there's always going to be work. There's always gonna be, you know, if you have children, there's always gonna be a ton of issues with that. So really think about uh rituals and protocols that are really sustainable. So what's one action that could really make your dynamic feel more intentional? So um if you need ideas, definitely go to domsubliving.com slash protocols. We have a huge list there. But so that was step five, establishing rituals and routines and protocols. So hopefully once you've done all these steps, then you've made it to going basically all in and transitioning to a total power exchange 24-7 dynamic. And I remember when me and my Dom kind of made that full switch. It was really exciting, but it was also just kind of like an aha moment. We were talking and just having a conversation, and we just both decided to fully embrace a TPE dynamic. It it wasn't something dramatic, but it was more like, you know, we're we're already living this way, basically. Like, why not make it official and just kind of from this moment kind of go cold turkey? Like, let's just not be make it, you know, let's not be vanilla anymore. Like, let's just decide that here and now. Like from here on out, we're 24-7 TPE dynamic. Um, like I said, we had done all those steps, so we were kind of pretty much already doing it anyway. So it was just like this is the next logical thing. Um, and I don't really recommend doing it cold turkey from ground zero. But once you have done all those steps, it does kind of make sense if that's what your goal is. At some point, you kind of gotta make that switch if that's something you want to do. You have to have that conversation, like, okay, let's make it official now. So when we did make that official switch, so what it really looked like, um, again, we were kind of already doing these things anyway, so it just makes sense. But um we started um implementing TPE in regards to our finances. So even though I was still, he was still delegating, doing the bills and things like that. Um, it was just becoming more TPE in regards to me asking permission for making purchases and things like that. Just delegating, um, you know, him doing the decision making um in terms of like traveling, um, even food. He was just um having more control over um the food I would eat. Again, like if I would go leave somewhere and I want to get coffee, I would ask permission first. So a lot of these things honestly were just me asking permission more, um, and him just having more control over day-to-day roles. Um, and you just really have to make it um personal to you. You may be listening to some of my examples and thinking, oh my gosh, I can never do that in my relationship, or that just seems too controlling. So again, do what feels good for you and your dynamic. But it can feel scary to give up control, or if you're the DOM, it can feel scary to take over so much control. Um, but for for me, for us, it just really felt like finally, finally letting go of the chaos that was always in my mind, of always having to make decisions and just really starting to find peace. And I really trusted him. Um, I think there's a lot of negative um viewpoints in regards to 24-7 total power exchange dynamics. Um, I think people think of um Joker and the Joker and Harley as this kind of like toxic relationship where he orders her to do like illegal things. Um, you know, this is, you know, we're talking about movies and fictional characters, but um I I trust my Dom. And we've gone through all those steps. So I know he's never going to ask me to do anything that's going to harm me or harm someone else or do something illegal or do something totally bizarre or you know, just weird that I've built this trust with him. So um, you know, and that's why I recommend going through all these steps first so you have that foundation, you have that trust. So I really want you to take the time and Reflect and think what's holding you back, maybe from taking that next step in your dynamic and have a conversation with that with your partner. But maybe you're watching this and you're already 24-7, you're already TPE. Well, I have some practical tips for making this successful long term. So my biggest advice is just to keep evolving in your roles. Um, don't settle for the dominant you are now or the submissive you are now. Um, keep growing and evolving and trying to be better than you are right now. Um, revisit your contract regularly. This is something still me and my DOM do that we try, you know, at least once a year, ideally once a quarter, that we will go over our contract, our our different rules and rituals and protocols and see what's working. Um, but also prioritize fun and connection too. I think sometimes when we're in these 24-7 dynamics, we it can become kind of robotic because we're always doing it. We we know what works and we've just been doing it. But remember to have fun and novelty too. So, you know, buy new gear, um, have different kinds of scenes, go to dungeons and events and meet other people, be social. Um, as much as it's hard for an introvert like me, being social in this lifestyle has just really helped because it brings new energy into your dynamic. And me and my Dom were actually able to do this recently. Um, you know, with the holidays, things had become so busy and we, you know, weren't going out and doing as much as we usually did. But um on New Year's, we were able to go to a dungeon here in LA and just being around other people, doing scenes in front of other people, seeing other people do scenes. Um, there was even performers there, so it just really brought this new energy and life back into our dynamic where we were just kind of doing the same old thing for a while now. And so just being in a new environment around other people, being able to talk and socialize and ask people, you know, how long have you been in the lifestyle and just having these conversations? It was just so much fun. So if you haven't done something like that, um, I highly recommend it. But I'd love to know what's one step from this episode that you're excited to try. So definitely let me know in the comments. I'd love to hear it. And remember, I do have that free contract at domsubliving.com slash contract that you can download and customize. But definitely subscribe because you don't want to miss any more episodes that are coming. And a huge thank you for being a part of this journey with me. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Subliving.