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When I first started my BDSM journey, I thought I had it all figured out. I read the books, I attended the classes, I was sure I knew what I was doing. And then I made some mistakes that almost wrecked everything. And I'm not talking about little oopsies. I mean big. Maybe this whole BDSM thing isn't for me mistakes. If you're worried about messing up too, you are not alone. Let's get into it. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living Podcast. So in this episode, I'm breaking down the three biggest BDSM mistakes I made, ones that almost ruined my dynamic and my confidence as a submissive. But by the end, you'll hopefully know exactly what to avoid and how to navigate your own journey with confidence. Before we dive in, tell me, have you ever made a mistake in your BDSM journey that totally changed how you see things? Or looking back, you're just kind of embarrassed that you even did that? Well, drop it in the comments. I love hearing your stories and knowing that I'm not the only one. So, mistake number one that I made, that is actually probably the most common mistake that I see others make too, and that is relying too much on rules instead of connection. When I first started BDSM with my husband, who's my DOM, I was just obsessed with roles. And that probably comes from me actually having OCD. But I thought if we had a perfect list of rituals, protocols, and that we had all the gear, that everything would just run smoothly. And I mean, that's what everyone says, right? That structure makes a dynamic stronger, but I kind of took it too far. And at first it did feel really amazing. I really love the structure and I thrive on that. I really liked the predictability, but then something weird happened. I realized I was following roles out of obligation and not devotion to my Dom. And it just started feeling like chores instead of just these meaningful rituals. Instead of focusing on how we felt, we were more just checking off things on a to-do list. And so the connection we had really started fading. And the whole reason we got into BDSM is so that we could grow together as a couple. And then it just felt like we were going through the motions. And I'll I'll give you an example of this. So in the beginning, we had this rule where I had to text my dom for permission before eating. I usually am really um structured and you know, eating on a schedule and eating meals, but we had this rule that I would text him before I would eat the meal. So it was really just reinforcing my submission and just creating this uh deeper aspect of our dynamic. And at first it was really exciting, more really meaningful. It was kind of like praying before a meal, too. So there was that ritual, ritualistic aspect of it that I really just loved. And he loved being a part of my day like that. But because I'm a busy mom and have other obligations too, it just became where there were moments when I would be starving because I had waited to eat too long. And, you know, maybe I'd text him, but he was, you know, busy on his end or he didn't see my message right away. So then I'd just kind of sit there waiting and frustrating and wonder, well, should I just start eating and then apologize later and you know, let him know that like I was starving and didn't have time to text you. But um, you know, I just kind of told myself, well, this is what submission is supposed to feel like, right? You know, just waiting on your DOM and sometimes sacrificing your needs in the process. But one day I got really hangry and I snapped. I was exhausted, I was hungry and dealing with the kids and just wanting to have a freaking snack and not having to feel like I was failing as a sub. So I finally brought it up to him during our check-ins that we have every week every week. And I was really surprised because he said he had no idea that this was making me feel this way, but he was wanting to fix this. He was not wanting to have this role that would make me miserable in the process. And so we both kind of realized that we were having these roles that were supposed to bring us closer, but in a lot of cases, they were actually making us miserable. So really think have you ever had a role in your dynamic that just didn't feel good after a while? Maybe it did in the beginning, but now it's just no longer serving you. Or do you feel like your protocols are bringing you closer? Or do you feel like they're just another box to check? So you really have to do some self-reflection here. But let me tell you what we did to fix this so it doesn't happen in the future with other roles. So instead of following a role just because, we started asking why. Every role we had, every protocol we had, it had to serve a purpose. And then we adjusted our protocols that we did have to ones that actually deepened our connection instead of you know doing these things that just really felt forced. And so we noticed we started then kind of cleaning our rituals and our protocols and going more for quality instead of just quantity. So, for the role that I shared with you about having to text him before I started eating a meal, so how we're able to do it now is I let him know when I am eating, when I can. Um, or if I'm going to eat somewhere different that I wasn't planning or eat something that I wasn't planning on, then I will try to text him because that way he still feels like he has control in my day. And also, too, for me as a sub, I still have accountability for eating healthy. And, you know, not every sub has these issues, but that was just something for for me that I was trying to work on. And so um again, how it was before was just way too um more issues were coming up than was necessary, and it was just making me miserable. So now we kind of found this happy medium. So my takeaway for you on this one is if you're feeling disconnected, just it's okay to take a step back and ask: are these rules really serving the dynamic, or are you serving the rules? Are are these rules making you happy or are they making you feel trapped? So that was mistake number one, relying too much on roles instead of connection. And then mistake number two that I did is a trap that I actually see a lot of submissive students of mine fall into. And that is thinking submission means ignoring your needs. Because I had this idea that good submissives always prioritize their Dom's needs over their own. And I thought if I spoke up too much, I was being needy or clingy, or even worse, the the dreaded topping from the bottom. So I was really self-conscious about speaking up. So how it almost completely ruined my journey was because at one point I felt like I was losing myself. I wasn't communicating when I was exhausted or overwhelmed. And this was happening um even during scenes, but also outside of scenes too. And I just kept telling myself, um, you know, real submissives don't ask for breaks. They just serve no matter what. But ignoring my own needs didn't make me a better sub. It didn't make my Dom happier, and it just really made me burnt out. And there was one night I remember I was just exhausted, but still tried to push through a hard scene that my Dom had planned and was looking forward to. And I just pushed through it because I thought that was my duty. And halfway through, I just realized I wasn't being present. I was just performing submission and it wasn't really me anymore. I finally broke down and admitted it to my Dom because he could tell something was wrong. And he was like, Well, why didn't you tell me sooner? So then, of course, I started feeling guilty that I hadn't told him sooner, and then I just started spiraling. So I just kept feeling more and more guilty on top of it. So if you're a submissive, maybe think about have you ever pushed yourself too hard in a scene because you thought you had to? Um, or have you ever felt guilty for asking for what you you need? Um, even DOMs too can still push themselves during a scene because they think they have to perform and you know live up to something with their sub, but they can feel guilty too. So um, you know, really think about it. But for me, how I was able to fix this mistake was I really had to unlearn the idea that submission means silence. So now we have a rule that if something feels like terribly off or like is not making me feel good at all, I will say it immediately. So I don't feel guilty and I also don't hesitate. Um, I still say it respectfully. A lot of times I'll say, can I have permission to speak freely? kind of doing that old military thing. But um I also may wait to bring it up during our weekly check-in, depending on how severe it's making me feel. But um, if it's something that's really going against my gut, I definitely now bring it up to my Dom because I've fully submitted to him, both inside and out. And so I want to make him happy. So my takeaway for subs first is your needs matter just as much as your DOMs do. And BDSM isn't always about endurance or seeing how much you can take. It's really about mutual care. And my takeaway for DOMs here is remember that true dominance isn't about pushing a sub to their limits. It's about creating a space where they feel safe and valued and heard. And a submissive who feels secure in a relationship and feels secure about expressing their needs will serve you even better and have greater devotion, and you'll even just increase your trust. So that was my second mistake I made, which was thinking submission means ignoring my needs. So the third mistake I made in unfortunately, this is a mistake I see even advanced players get into. And sometimes I can even fall into this trap. But the third mistake is assuming my BDSM identity would never change. It sounds funny to say it now, but I used to think that once I found myself as a submissive, that that was it. I can just close the book on it and be like, that's my identity, I'm good. But BDSM isn't a destination, it's really an evolution, and you are constantly changing and evolving. So, how it almost ruined my journey is a few years into our dynamic, my interest started shifting and it freaked me out. I thought, if I want something different now, does that mean I was wrong before and I didn't have it figured out? And what if what I'm wanting and needing now changes? And so maybe that means that what I'm thinking and feeling now isn't real. So I really got caught up in my head. And I almost didn't say anything to my Dom because I was just scared of being judged. Because at first I only wanted service submission in our dynamic. We were both kind of more master slave in our dynamic in the beginning, both in and out of scenes. And then I got really curious about DDLG, um, or that's the daddy dom little girl dynamic. But I was terrified to bring it up to him because I kept thinking, what if he thinks I'm not a real sub anymore? Or what if he was weirded out about me wanting this DDLG relationship because DDLG is kind of taboo. But it turns out he was evolving too. We just never really talked about it. So he was kind of wanting to delve into more of the softer side of being a dominant and wanting more of that caregiver role. But he was afraid that he wouldn't look like this hardcore master dom anymore. So really think about have you ever felt guilty for wanting to explore something new or different? Or do you do you ever feel stuck in a BDSM box or a role that maybe now no longer fits you? So, what we did to fix it was we started having deep conversations about what excites us now, not what excited us when we were first starting out, but what is it that we really want and need now? And some of these things we started talking about and venturing into. We had a lot of self-shame around. So when I would have a hard time talking about it, I would actually journal about it instead. And then he would read what I wrote because there was a lot of issues about why I even wanted this stuff. And a lot of times with me, I will just shut down and get embarrassed. And so he was giving me journal prompts and I was just opening up more in that way. So that's always my biggest tip, too, if if talking about these things makes you feel uncomfortable. Um, and it's okay to feel uncomfortable, but maybe journaling about it would be better. So, my biggest takeaway for you, so you don't fall into that same third mistake that I made, is to just really if your desires change, it doesn't mean you were wrong before. It just means that you're growing. I'm still growing, um, you should still be growing. And sometimes, you know, we may get into something and our our desires change, and they they can go back and forth too. Sometimes I get more into high protocol kink, and other times I'm more into impact play. And then sometimes I'm going through a brat phase. And if you ask my Dom, I'm probably in that phase all the time. But he changes and grows and evolves too. Um, he's constantly learning new skills as a Dom. So your dynamic and your role isn't set in stone. And honestly, why would you want it to be? That would be totally boring. So, those were my three biggest BDSM mistakes I made that almost ruined my journey. And I love to know which mistake hit home for you the most. So definitely tell me in the comments. And if you want to avoid even more BDSM mistakes, check out my other episodes and definitely subscribe for my next one coming out soon. But until then, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Subliving.