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I already know I'm gonna make a lot of enemies with this one, but screw it. I'm going to tell you who I think really has it harder in a DS dynamic: dominance or submissives. Before you come at me in the comments, let's actually break it down because I promise you this isn't as simple as you think. I'm Alessandra from Dom Subliving. Let's get into it. Welcome to the Dom Subliving podcast. I definitely woke up and chose violence today with this episode. This is going to ruffle some feathers, but I have to finally say it. Before you start sharpening your pitchforks, hear me out, because by the end of this, you might just change your mind. So I'm going to be breaking down the struggles of both dominance and submissives, and I'm giving my final verdict on who really has it worse. Oh, and if you're a switch, congratulations, you get it double worse. Just kidding. Well, not really. But if you're serious about improving in your role as a DOM, sub or switch, I'll even share a proven way you can do that too. But let's start off with why dominance is harder than it looks. A lot of people think being a DOM is just shouting orders and getting what you want, but do you really understand the pressure they're under? So for example, imagine being expected to lead, to be in control, set the tone, manage someone else's emotions and your own, and never mess up in the process. That's a lot. Dominants wear so many different hats in a DOM-sub relationship. They can be a caregiver, they can be a rule enforcer, they can be a life coach even. So they're under a lot of pressure. And then there's the mental load. So DOMs don't just show up and take charge. They have to plan, anticipate, and be prepared for anything. And I mean anything. You're setting up scenes, you're checking safety measures, you're knowing limits, you're adjusting dynamics on the fly and making sure that aftercare is done right. That's exhausting to do all that. Then there's the emotional toll. So let's be real. If something goes wrong, guess who gets blamed? Or if a scene doesn't go as planned, if emotions spiral, if a sub gets triggered, dominants are expected to take responsibility. Even when everything is fully consensual, like it should be, there's always this weight of did I do enough? Did I handle that correctly? So it's not just about leading, it's about carrying everything. And I remember this one scene we had early on in our dynamic where my Dom had planned everything down to the last detail, and we were both really excited about it. And the scene itself was technically fine, but something about it in that moment just really triggered me emotionally in a way neither of us really expected. And so during the scene, I really just shut down. And he, as the good Dom that he is, he could tell that something was wrong in that moment. And I just saw it in his face, this kind of look of, oh my God, did I just mess up? Did I push her too far? And I just realized in that moment as the sub that he wasn't feeling powerful. He was feeling responsible. He was even worried. And I think a lot of people don't realize that dominance carry that kind of emotional weight all the time, whether it's during scenes or even outside of scenes. And then on top of the mental and emotional load, there's the skill requirement. I mean, subs, they get trained. There are tons of books, workshops, mentorships. There's more online educators that are subs like me, but for DOMs, well, there's no dominant apprenticeship where you graduate with honors in this leadership role with tons of emotional intelligence and rope tying skills. Most DOMs, unfortunately, are out here winging it and kind of just trying to piece together different scattered resources that they have picked up. And that can be a really lonely place. And speaking of loneliness, have you noticed how many other resources there are for subs, like communities? Um, so if a submissive has a problem, there's a whole community ready to help. But if a dominant has a problem, they're often left trying to figure it out on their own. And that's a lot of pressure. And all that isolation, it can add up. And especially if you are a Dom who identifies as a man, that can be even worse too, because men in general tend to isolate themselves and not lean on each other. And there are some online educators out there that are DOMs, but let's address the elephant in the room that a lot of times these quote-unquote DOM educators turn out to be predators, or worse, even. And even for me personally, I've had to cut ties with quite a few Dom educators because of the toxic traits that they have, or the um toxic teachings that they teach. And in a couple cases, unfortunately, even had to totally cut ties because they were doing even criminal stuff. So I mean that is a reality too. So DOMs definitely do have it hard. Um, they kind of have the odds tacked against them, but subs have it hard too. So let's talk about why submission isn't as easy as it seems. Okay, subs, before you come for me, let's talk about what we go through. Because submission, it's not just about lying there looking pretty, although I'd like to think I do a good job at that, but there's a lot of vulnerability when it comes to being a sub. You are literally putting your body, your emotions, your life, your everything in someone else's hands, sometimes even literally. And that takes an insane amount of trust. You're choosing to let go, but what happens if that trust is broken? So that's the risk that every sub takes. I remember in the early days of when I first started submitting, um, especially during scenes, I had all these fantasies of how amazing it would be, how freeing I would hear stories of how these other submissives felt. But in the moment early on, it was really terrifying at times. Um, the second I felt my Dom take full control, that voice inside my head just started telling me, well, what if, you know, he gets it wrong? What if I can't handle it? What if something happens and I regret it? Because even though I was choosing to submit, my body still at times was fighting it. And that's something a lot of subs don't talk about. How submission is just as much about overcoming mental barriers as it is about obeying. So we do have to overcome mental struggles. Obedience sounds simple. I always think of you know the Nike slogan, just do it. Shouldn't that be what subs do? They they just obey their DOMs. But what happens in the real world when your instincts are screaming no, even though you want to say yes? Or you have society or your own upbringing telling you that this is going against everything you've ever believed? Or what if you're in the middle of a scene and a command triggers something deep inside you? Um, submission isn't about just following rules, it's about navigating your own mind, your past, your fears, all of your conditioning. And that can be a lot of hard work. And then there's the judgment, because let's be real, society still doesn't get submission. Being a Dom is seen as powerful, they're in control, they're an alpha. But submission, well, people think it means being weak, being brainwashed, that they're abused or worse. Um, people will say, why would you let someone do that to you? I mean, how many times have you had to explain that submission is a choice that you actually like it? Um, that's a battle that submissives have to fight all the time. And then there is the need for the right Dom. Because a bad or a fake DOM, it isn't just annoying, it's it's freaking dangerous. A submissive's well-being literally depends on their partner's competence. And let's be honest, not all DOMs deserve that trust. There are a lot of people out there who think just because they can give orders or because they watched Fifty Shades of Grey, that they're automatically a good DOM and they're not. And that means every submissive has to be incredibly careful about who they trust. And then another challenge that submissives sometimes have to face is being a brat. Because let's not forget, brats do exist. So if you think submission is all about being subservient and passive, you've never met a brat in their natural habitat. Some submissives push back, they tease, they challenge, and they make dominance work for every bit of control. And while that can be fun, it's also a lot of effort for both sides, really. So bratting isn't just about acting up, it's a whole strategy. And let's be real, because I can't be bratty, it can be kind of exhausting at times. So after breaking down all the ways that DOMs have it hard and all the ways that subs have it hard, what's the answer? Who really has it harder? Well, I'm gonna share what I believe, and then I'm going to share the truth about who really has it harder. So, my personal belief about who has it harder is that dominance have it harder. And the reason is because at the end of the day, the DOM is responsible for everything. If a sub struggles, the Dom has to guide them through it. If a scene goes wrong, the DOM carries the majority of the burden. There's just more at stake for them. And as a BDSM instructor, I've talked to so many DOMs who feel this immense pressure to never make a mistake. Um, I had a DOM once tell me once that after a really hard and intense scene that they couldn't sleep for days afterwards because they just kept replaying it in their head and analyzing every little detail that went into it. And they kept thinking to themselves, did I push too hard? Did I miss a sign? Um, did I handle it the best I could? Um, and it's like running this mental game in their head every single time. But another reason I think DOMs have it harder is, and this can be because I have OCD, but as someone who has OCD, I know how much goes into planning and control and trying to make everything perfect and right. And I know how exhausting having something like OCD can be, how draining it is on your body, even. And so I think so much of what goes into being a DOM is very relatable to something like obsessive-compulsive disorder. And in a lot of ways, I think that's why I do gravitate to being a submissive, because I need that break, because in so many areas of my life, I am taking control. And I've heard that from so many other people that they may be, you know, very dominant and in control in the other areas of their life, but that can be exhausting. And so they view being a submissive as a way to shut off their brain and have a break. But so dominants then have to do the opposite and they're pretty much always on. So that's another reason why I think they do kind of have it harder. But there is a plot twist. So even though I think DOMs have it harder, the truth is it depends. Power dynamics are a dance, and what's hard for one person might be easy for another. Some DOMs thrive under pressure, and some subs love surrendering control. So really, it's it's not a competition. We're we're not keeping score and keeping tally. It's about finding the right fit for you. Because I've seen subs who love the weight of expectation, who really take pride in serving, um, just like I do. Um, there's subs who just feel this immense sense of purpose in their submission. And I've seen dominants who love taking on responsibility, who feel more themselves when they're leading. So it's not just about who has it harder, it's about what aligns with who you are. But if you're struggling in your role, it's not about who has it harder, it's about how you're growing in that role. So the question really isn't who suffers more, it's what do you need to thrive. Now, whether you're a Dom or a sub, I know a lot of you feel stuck. Maybe you're unsure if you're doing it right. Maybe you feel lost, like you're just making it up as you go. That's why I created the Dom sub training course to take the guesswork out of your dynamic and give you a clear path forward. So, a quick overview of the benefits. DOMS, I'll teach you how to lead with confidence and structure scenes and build a dynamic that actually works. And subs, I'll show you how to deepen your submission, overcome mental roadblocks, and strengthen your role. If you're ready to stop second guessing yourself and start building the dynamic you actually want, check it out at domsubtraining.com. The link is below. Join today and let's take your BDSM to the next level. So tell me, who do you think has a harder? Dominants or submissives? Drop your answer in the comments and let's fight. Respectfully, of course. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.