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You know what nobody told you that therapy isn't the only way to heal, and sometimes it's not even the best way. I'm Alessandra from Dom Subliving, and today I'm breaking down how BDSM gave me something therapy never could and why it might do the same for you. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living Podcast. So in this episode, I'm going to be sharing surprising insights that even therapists are now exploring. I'm going to be sharing things that no one warned me about when it comes to BDSM and a powerful moment from a scene that I had that really just cracked open years of trauma. So I'm going to be sharing all of this soon. But first of all, let's talk about what therapy promises and where it falls. Because let's be clear, therapy can be amazing. It's literally saved lives. It's helped people process grief, regulate emotions, work through trauma, and build awareness. And I am absolutely not here to tell anyone to stop going to therapy if it is helping them. And therapy's purpose is to really support healing, give awareness. It can give you tools, it can give you reflection, support, it can give you medication, even if that's something you need. But what happens when it doesn't help? What happens when you leave every session feeling more confused, unseen, or even shamed? I mean, I remember sitting across from a therapist years ago after a really traumatic experience, I poured out everything and just expected at least compassion, maybe insight. And instead, she handed me a worksheet and told me to practice gratitude. So then I thought, well, maybe I'll see a psychiatrist. And so if you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist, a psychiatrist can prescribe meds. So I had seen this psychiatrist. I sat down, they took out a notepad and had their pen and I started telling them everything. And then they started writing and taking what I thought were notes. And I thought, oh good, finally, someone is taking this seriously. They're taking lots of notes, being really attentive. Um, I started sharing more and they would write more. Um, so by the end of it, they said, okay, so I have a plan for you. And they ripped off that top sheet that they were taking notes with and handed it to me. And what it was was just a prescription. They weren't even really listening to what I was saying or taking notes about it. They were just writing this prescription the whole time. And so it was in that moment I really started to wonder, is the problem me? Or is this just the wrong path for my healing? Well, spoiler, it wasn't me. And if you've ever walked away from therapy feeling like maybe you wasted your time and your money sometimes, or like something's wrong with you, you're going to feel so seen by the end of this episode. Now, I just want to put a little disclaimer on all of this and be completely transparent. Um, I do see uh a therapist, I do do ketamine therapy, I have done on and off um relationship counseling with my DOM, so I am not against therapy. And also, I want to put a disclaimer that I am not a doctor, so don't take any of what I'm saying as actual medical advice. I know unfortunately, I'm gonna get a lot of backlash for this episode. It seems whenever I tackle this topic even a little bit, um, people have a lot to say about it, but the truth is BDSM can be better than therapy, and I'm going to tell you why. But first, we need to really understand what therapy is. So therapy is cognitive, it's it means it helps you think about your feelings. Um, but in a way, it can almost feel like you're gaslighting yourself. Um, you're you're telling yourself, you know, you're fine, you're completely safe, these thoughts are just in your head, um, you know, just telling you, you know, over and over that whatever you're thinking and feeling is not the reality. And that can feel like gaslighting to a lot of people. So for some of us, we don't need to think more. We're already overthinking so much as it is, and that's part of the problem. What we need is we need to feel, and that's where BDSM comes in. So the first way that BDSM can be better than therapy is because of embodiment. Because healing really does happen in the body. BDSM uses touch, breath, sensation, and many traumas that people experience, it lives in the body, um, not just the mind. So therapy can talk about triggers, but BDSM helps you move through them. Um, BDSM brings healing into the body through breath, touch, and movement. Um, I remember one of the first bondage scenes I had where my wrists were tied, my my breath just really slowed down, and and suddenly I wasn't spiraling in my head anymore. I was just right there in the moment. I felt present and safe and held. Um, and that moment did more for my nervous system than 20 sessions of therapy ever could. Um, so when was the last time your your body you know got to feel that kind of safety? And then the second reason why BDSM can be better than therapy is because of choice and power. Because in therapy, it's like you're under observation. But in BDSM, you get to choose your role, your limits, the the language you'll use. But in therapy, you're often in a role where someone else is defining the structure. Um, in BDSM, you create the structure. You get to decide the roles, you choose the safe words, you negotiate the limits. It's not about submission or domination so much. It's about agency. And as someone who grew up always trying to please others, learning how to negotiate what I wanted in a scene was huge. And that's so unlike therapy, where I felt like I was taking a back seat and someone else was just making these choices and calling all the shots. So BDSM didn't take away my power, it gave it back to me. Um, and then the third reason why BDSM is better than therapy or can be is because it rewires emotional patterns. In therapy, you may talk about trust, but in BDSM, you actually practice trust. Um, there was one scene where my Dom blindfolded me and it actually brought up panic. Um, and I didn't even expect that. He didn't either. I was able to use my safe word and he stopped immediately. He checked in with me, he held me, and just like that, my brain learned I can panic and still be safe. I can ask for help and be respected. So these are all reasons why sometimes talking in a therapy session isn't enough. And also, let's be real, therapy isn't safe for everyone either. Therapy has a complicated history. A lot of people don't want to talk about it, but we can't ignore this. Um, modern therapy was pretty much invented by a white patriarchal Western society. It was pioneered by Sigmund Freud, a man who was for some reason extremely hyper-focused on sex, even when it came to children. So, this is all in contrast to indigenous cultures that have relied on community and even psychedelic and natural medicines for their mental health. But over the years, we've seen the negative effects of modern therapy when it comes to things like women being diagnosed with hysteria. I'm sure we've all heard the story and the origins around that. But also a lot of psychiatric meds that are available to us now, historically, they were not tested on women. A lot of times during these clinical trials, women were not part of the testing process. So we don't know what side effects these have on women. And then there's also how black men have been overdiagnosed with things like schizophrenia. And even now, LGBTQ folks have been pathologized for simply existing. Um, we've all heard of conversion therapy, but you know, that's real, that's a reality that is happening. Um, neurodivergent people are being told they're broken and need to be fixed. So therapy in a lot of these cases can be harmful for some people. But um, I've even had a therapist once suggest that my kink interests were a trauma response. And sure, sometimes they are, but sometimes they're not. Sometimes they're a truth my body is remembering, even when my mind doesn't have the words. My traumas, they're a part of who I am, but they're just a part. And I think a lot of times therapists have this goal to either completely resolve our traumas or make us move past them, even when we're not ready. Um, or sometimes they want to make them our whole identity. That's why I don't really like the idea of being called a survivor, because to me, it it makes the trauma my identity and not just a part of my past life. Um, but when I came into kink, I didn't really have to defend my identity to anyone. I just had to communicate what my identity means to me, um, what my needs and wants were. And to me, that really felt like I was home. Um, I was finally accepted instead of having to be fixed. And I have heard people say, you know, well, what if I have a kink-friendly therapist? Um, again, I'm not completely against therapy. Me and my Dom, you know, even now have done couples counseling with kink-friendly therapists. But I just want to put a huge warning on this: that just because someone says they are kink-friendly doesn't mean that they are going to be supportive of you during your therapy process. And I'll give you an actual example. So um, this is for something a little different, but someone was looking for a queer-friendly therapist. Um, they were dealing with queer issues with their child who had just came out as gay. And so they found a therapist they really liked it, even said on their website, we're queer friendly. And so they had been seeing them for a little while when the therapist brought up that they were, you know, had just gone to church the last weekend. And the person, you know, that kind of raised an alarm bell. And so the person said, you know, oh, I didn't know you you go to church. Um, you know, you have mentioned that you're a queer friendly therapist. Um, you know, can I ask you then how do you actually feel about, you know, queer people? And the therapist went on to say, Well, I support queer people in their therapy, but personally I feel it's a sin. And so that person obviously knew I cannot work with this therapist anymore because you don't want to be with someone who thinks there's something wrong with what your, you know, what your identity is, what you're experiencing. So whether that's, you know, finding someone who's queer friendly or kink friendly, that you don't need them to negatively judge you. And so that is something to watch out for. So if you do find a kink-friendly therapist, to ask them, well, how do you feel about someone who does practice kink? Are you just tolerant or do you see that there is good in this? So you want to talk to someone who actually gets this lifestyle. You almost need a kink practicing therapist. Um, and honestly, a lot of the therapists I've collaborated with through Dom Sub-Living are kink-friendly therapists who practice kink themselves because having someone who gets it makes such a huge difference. So that's why a lot of people turn to me, even. Um, you know, since I am a professional relationship coach who does actually get the lifestyle and that I do practice it on a daily basis. So we talked about when therapy isn't safe for everyone. Now let's talk about something people also don't like to admit, and that's that therapy is deeply tied to capitalism, especially here in the US. You need a referral and a diagnosis to get insurance coverage. Um, some therapists don't take insurance at all because they know how corrupted and time-consuming the insurance industry really is. Sessions, even with insurance, can sometimes cost you know $150 to $250 or even more out of pocket. Um, and you just get 50 minutes with them, um, and you get so many sessions a year, and and that's it. And if you're not, you know, mentally ill enough, a lot of times you're not even eligible for these types of services. And unfortunately, people who are experiencing a psychiatric emergency, a lot of times they're they're treated like actual criminals, um, you know, maybe put into facilities where their safety is at risk, even. Um, that's not care. Um, so with a lot of these things, you're you're just treated like a a billing code, even. Um, and this really hits home to me. Um, you know, I'm sure you've, you know, probably had negative experiences with the, you know, insurance and health care. But um I have had so many experiences with this. When I was younger, when I was a tween, my my dad actually had cancer. And it it literally bankrupt us all of the the medical bills, the the miswork. Um, we were not able to, you know, really afford things. And my parents had to claim or file bankruptcy. Um, and he ended up, you know, dying when I was 13. So I have so much trauma around the healthcare system. And then on top of it, later in my early 20s, I ended up getting my own cancer. Um, and then just having to deal with the insurance fiasco around that, having to, you know, get the the care that I needed when I, you know, had stage four cancer and my my life was at risk. No one should be on the phone trying to deal with insurance. So it's it's not an understatement when I say I hate the for-profit health industry that we have here in America. Um, and I know I'm not alone in this, but it's unfortunately one of the roadblocks that prevents a lot of people from even getting preventative care. And I have heard people say, but BDSM is capitalistic too. Um, and yes, BDSM can be commercial too. Um, I sell resources and coaching and mentoring. Um, there's gear and events you can go to. Um, I'm wearing a collar right now that that costs money, but the difference is you don't need a hundred-dollar flogger to really experience healing with BDSM. You can kneel in front of someone that you trust with nothing but your voice and your body and your vulnerability. And I am not exaggerating when I say that BDSM can change your life. Um, so yes, BDSM isn't immune to capitalism, but healing through kink isn't controlled by it. There are no gatekeepers, no insurance premiums you have to pay. It's just consent, and that's all you need. And even though I sell courses and mentoring, I have a ton of free resources too. So, like this podcast and all of the free resources you can grab at domsubliving.com/slash free. So you are not at the mercy of claim adjusters when it comes to BDSM. So the fact that traditional therapy is deeply rooted in capitalism is another reason why so many people benefit from BDSM instead. But I want to take a minute to really tell you about a time that a scene really just changed everything for me and how BDSM really healed me. It had been a really rough week. I felt disconnected, numb, and just like nothing I was doing was enough. And my dom asked me during a scene we were gonna have. He asked me before, how do you want to feel? Now, no therapist has ever asked me that. I I've never gone into a session with them saying, How do you want to feel during this session? It's always, you know, how has your week been? Um, you know, just small talk like that. And then I write them a check at the end and that's it. Um, but during the scene with my dom while we were preparing for it, I told them, I want to feel small, I want to feel held, and I want to feel loved. And so he tied me up gently. He ran his hands over my skin and he whispered praise in my ear the whole time. And this wasn't, you know, performative praise, but it was it was real. It was, you know, from a partner I cared about. And I cried not because I was sad, but because I finally was starting to feel relief and I was in a safe position where I could release that. So that was the healing that I didn't even know I needed in that moment. And then on a deeper level, too, with BDSM, I'm I'm able to explore traumas through things like age play and the you know, daddy dom little girl dynamic that me and my Dom have. Um, we use things like consensual non-consent, um, where you know, I've given permission to be forced into doing something, you know, even though I don't like it in the moment. Um, I still like the overreaching aspects of it. But these are just some of the ways that BDSM has healed me. And thankfully, the healthcare industry is starting to wise up to this. They see the benefits of impact play when it comes to things like endorphins, they see how BDSM can be a tool for dealing with trauma. Um, I actually did a whole episode on the psychology of BDSM, so so definitely check that one out. But let me be super clear. BDSM isn't a replacement for therapy. BDSM isn't therapy, and and that's the whole point. If you're in crisis, struggling with mental illness or dealing with deep trauma, of course, please reach out to a professional. But if therapy or psychiatric medication hasn't helped, if you've felt unseen, dismissed, or just stuck, know that you're not alone. You're not unhealable, you just might need a different path. And for some of us, like myself, that path includes things like rope and impact play and rituals and just radical honesty. And communication. So BDSM has gave me back my body. It gave me back my voice. It gave me back me. And if it's helped you too, drop a comment and let me know. Um, and if you're ready to go deeper, check out the free resources at domsuving.com slash free. I'll put a link for it in the description too. It's there to help you explore your BDSM journey safely and intentionally. And don't forget to hit subscribe and share this episode with someone who might need to hear that their way of healing is valid because we all deserve healing on our own terms. But thank you for listening. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.