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You know the movie How to Train Your Dragon? Well, I'm gonna show you how to train yourself. And no, it's not about time consuming punishments or being the perfect dominant. It's about real habits, real kink dynamics, and real life. I'm Alessandra from Dom Subliving, and let's talk about what actually works. Welcome to the Dom Subliving podcast. What if training your submissive could feel more like bonding with a dragon than shouting commands? Well, if you've seen How to Train Your Dragon, you'll remember that iconic moment when the character hiccup holds out his hand to Toothless, the dragon, and he doesn't do it with force, he does it with gentleness and trust. And that's the vibe we're going for here. I'm sorry for all the how to train your dragon references, but I'm a millennial with two young boys, so we've always loved those movies. But in real life, the the fantasy of taming something wild like a a sub or even a brat, that fantasy is exciting, but trust is the true test. My Dom, when he trains me, he he doesn't yell, he doesn't shout orders, and I crave obedience towards him because I want to and I feel like he's earned my trust. If you don't know, we've lived in a 24-7 total power exchange relationship for years. And I teach real-world BDSM that doesn't collapse the second life gets hard. If you're new here, welcome. But if you've been here a while, you already know submission isn't weakness. It's a gift you give to yourself if you're the sub, but you also give it to your partner. And so the training part of it, that's how you nurture that gift. So here's what we're going to get into today. So we're going to cover the three surprising dominant traits no one talks about, one major mistake that can sabotage your training, and my favorite structure for building rituals that actually stick. And we're going to talk about how to adjust your training style depending on what kind of submissive you have. So whether that's a a brat, a service sub, a little, a switch, or something in between. And yes, I'm going to talk about what happens when the DOM screws up because they're not perfect and they make mistakes too. So let's go. Before obedience even comes, there needs to be this foundation of devotion. So just like with Hiccup in the movie where he was feeding toothless and taking care of them, without that care and trust, there is no power exchange. So when you're training a sub, you don't start off wielding control over them right off the bat. Hiccup didn't just jump on toothless and jump on his back and start riding him. So DOMs need patience, they need presence and to give their sub choices. That's your first step. Your submissive has to choose you before they can serve you. So real training starts with connection. One of the first rituals my DOM ever implemented for me was maintenance bankings, believe it or not. And it kind of flopped after the initial couple times, not because it was a bad ritual, but because the emotional foundation and work wasn't there yet. We were rushing things. Now they're great though, and we do them every week. So something to think about is are you maybe trying to lead before you've been trusted? Are you confusing submission with surrender? So start with connection-based rituals. So things like daily check-ins, acts of service, things like that, not behavior correction right off the bat because emotional attunement is the foundation of obedience. If you want a practical first step, try building a transition ritual. So something your sub does when you reconnect after being apart for a little bit. So this can be something like kneeling, preparing coffee, or even something as simple as a hug where they whisper an affirmation or they are using your honorific. So, you know, whether that's daddy or sir or mistress, something like that. Keep it consistent, keep it simple, and let it evolve naturally over time. But let's now talk about how training your sub is about rewiring their brain, not just commanding their body. Because here's how habit formation actually works. So you have a cue, or sometimes we call it a trigger, and then you have a behavior, and then you have a reward. So when you praise your sub, you're releasing dopamine chemicals. And when you are correcting them like really harshly, that's cortisol in play. Unless you're a masochist like me, and that can be a dopamine hit too. But when you repeat an action often enough, you create this thing called myelination, and that's where your brain kind of reinforces all those neurological pathways. But that's just a fancy way of saying that behavior becomes second nature, it becomes a habit. That's why for a lot of people, rewards and positive reinforcement work better than punishments. Let me even expand on that and give you my hot take. So if you're correcting and punishing way more than you're praising and rewarding, you're building fear, really. You're not building obedience. So I'll give you an example of habit formation in our dynamic so you can see what it looks like in real life. But my Dom used to say, notice what I need before I ask. And what he meant was that was my cue or my trigger to really be observant. So we started simple with coffee. So every morning when he was home, I would make it before he asked. He he praised it, you know, very specifically and you know, very, you know, kindly. And that became our our first anticipatory ritual. And eventually this sort of thing just really started expanding into every area of our life. So if you're the Dom, ask yourself, are you rewarding obedience from your sub still, or are you just expecting it? And if you're struggling, here are some tools that you can use to help make this easier. So habit trackers, whether this is something digital or handwritten, even, we've used calendars and things like that. Verbal affirmations are really good, weekly ritual reviews that you do together. Me and my Dom, we do our check-ins every Sunday evening before he goes into work, and that really helps us. You can even gamify it, give your sub points, build reward tiers. Not every dynamic needs that, but if yours thrives on structure or motivation, definitely use it. And coming up next, I'm going to tell you the worst mistake new DOMs make when they try to train a sub. I see this all the time, unfortunately, especially when a DOM is feeling insecure. So if your training starts with punishment, it will probably end in resentment. This is the biggest mistake I see, where they're making training about power over the submissive instead of power with the submissive. So some red flags to watch out for here. So reactive punishments instead of having planned consequences. So you're just doing things on the fly before you've even talked about it and negotiated it. And then another red flag is where you're sending mixed signals. So, you know, something may not fly one week and be a punishment. And then the next week it just kind of let, you know, you let it slide the next week. So there's no real consistency. Um, some other mixed signals can be things like being a very gentle and loving and caregiver dom, you know, one second, and then the next second being very harsh and, you know, overly, you know, maybe even cruel or just punishing a lot. So you don't want to send a lot of mixed signals to your sub. Another red flag I see is where you're trying to correct behavior without ever negotiating expectations. So maybe you tell your sub you don't want them to do something, but you never talk about what the punishment will be. So maybe they would have, you know, obeyed or done things differently if they would have known what the punishment was. But, you know, if you're trying to just keep correcting them without negotiating everything, that is a huge red flag. And that happened to us actually one time when we were starting out. My my Dom punished me for my tone. But here's the thing: we had never discussed tone yet. So it wasn't part of any training plan we had. So the result was I pulled away emotionally for the rest of the day. So you don't want to get into that trap. Now, this isn't about micromanaging everything you do, it's about having clarity. So are you training your sub or are you trying to fix a version of them that you haven't even explained that you're trying to mold them into? Um, when training becomes reactive, it shifts from guidance to unhealthy control. And that's where trust really erodes. So training should be a collaborative experience. So that means having things like contracts, that means mutual rituals, that means having check-ins, um, have a weekly power exchange review. So you can just take 10 minutes to review what's working, what's not, what needs praise and what needs tweaking. So lead with clarity, not fear. But now let's talk about how to structure training that actually sticks. Because if you want rituals that don't fizzle out in a week, you have to train them almost like you're planning a story. So let me explain. So you have act one where that's where you're building curiosity. So you introduce the role or the ritual, whatever it is, and you introduce it with the reason why it matters. I'm always talking about the why. So make it meaningful. So for example, you can tell your sab, you know, when you kneel for me, you're grounding yourself in our dynamic. So that way they know the reason why. And then you have act two, and this is the challenge. So expect some resistance or friction. Um, this is where you you check in, you revise if needed, and reinforce things and praise even partial success because no sub is perfect, and they're going to need some guidance along the way. And then we've made it to act three, and so that's where the transformation really is. This is where the the ritual or the role kind of just becomes the identity. It becomes automatic, it becomes almost like home and feels comforting. And this three-part framework, it works for a brand new partner or even a long-term partner that you're just starting to transition to a DS dynamic. Um, it even works for seasoned couples too. So if you're wanting to implement a new role, you can use it. My Dom still follows those same steps when he's creating a new role for me. But the point is make sure you've built in time for mistakes because you're not expecting robotic perfection here. But one more tip. So use habit stacking. Anchor the ritual to something your sub already does, like brushing their teeth or making coffee. Um, if you want kind of an advanced variation of this, so try layering protocols. So an example would be a submissive knees, then recites an affirmation, then they place their collar into your hand and present it. So that's like three things in one, kind of just layered in there. But let's talk about training different types of subs next, because one size doesn't fit all here. I mean, you wouldn't train a cat like you train a dog. So why are you using one playbook for every sub? So, for example, brats thrive on challenge, they need teasing and reward-based tasks. Um, you can give them mission style assignments instead of strict rules. So send them on quests. Um, you can tell them, for example, like your challenge is to serve me for 24 hours without using the word no. So they'll have to get creative with that one. And then service subs, they want to please, they need clear structure. And when they mess up, they often feel guilty. So that's where support is better than scolding them. And then littles need nurture and safety and affirming structure. Their rituals can be playful and healing. And then switches need flexibility. So respect their autonomy, let them lean into their submission while also honoring their dominant edges, too. And of course, every submissive can be a mix of these. I know I am, but if you're not sure what style your sub is, obviously ask them. But you can also try rotating the different like weekly training focuses and just kind of observing what really sparks with them and really works. But now I wanted to cover the top questions I get when it comes to submissive training, because these can definitely make or break your dynamic. So the first question I get asked a lot is how long should it take to train a submissive? Well, habits can take weeks, um, months even. Um, if you're wanting mastery, you know, for your sub to have mastery over their world, that can be years for really nuanced training. My DOM is still training me, and it's been a decade. So your training should be ongoing, but that initial training with a new partner or a new dynamic, it can be anywhere from weeks to months. It just depends on the individuals. And then another question I get asked is what if my sub forgets or resists a task? Well, I am always forgetting things, so this is very applicable. But a lot of times if they're forgetting things a lot, it couldn't mean that they're overwhelmed. Um, resistance is a chance to renegotiate here. So it's not always about being bratty, despite what my DOM may say, but it really just depends on what's going on behind the scenes. Maybe they have a lot on their plate. And so definitely talk to them. But if it's becoming a habit, it may be time to renegotiate either that protocol or the dynamic itself. And then another question I get is what if I feel guilty or controlling as a DOM? Well, if you're asking that question, then you're probably leading with care. You have a conscience, and that's a good sign. Um, I will say that guilt tends to fade as your confidence as a DOM grows. So um just keep at it and um things will get better over time, but definitely communicate your feelings with your sub. And then another question I get asked is what does a real life DS training week actually look like? Um, so I'm gonna give you a sample from my life. So we kind of group things by different days and themes. So Monday is usually, you know, where I'm focusing more on self-care and starting the week. So I'll do a lot of journaling and um just focusing on our different, you know, self-care rituals that we have for me. Tuesday is a lot of service-based tasks. You know, after I got a lot of my self-care out of the way, then my dom will assign me more service things he's wanting to me to do, either for him or around the house. And then Wednesday, once those two days are out of the way, then it's more about like high protocol kink that we start doing. And then on Thursdays, it's more of just kind of like praising or having more connection and checking in. Um, that's when we usually do our maintenance banking for me. And then Friday, we kind of plan the scene that we're gonna have in the weekend and really focus on that and talk about what our plans will be. If my Dom had assigned a reward for me for a certain task during the week, I'll usually get that reward on the Friday evening. And then on the weekend, we will have a scene finally, and we will either do that at home or at a dungeon. And then on Sunday is when we kind of just review our tasks for me and um just kind of have our weekly check-in. Um, but the point is to keep it structured but flexible too. So you're building it around life, not the other way around. And then another question I get asked is what if I'm a sub who wants training without topping from the bottom? So how do I bring that up with my DOM? Well, express your desire to them and express it as a desire, not a demand. So you can say something like, I'd love more structure in our relationship. Can we talk about it? Or would you be open to building something new with me? Um, and this is what I was thinking it could look like. Um, I do have a freebie for DOMS to help training a sub even easier that I'll share in a second. But remember, training isn't about control, it's about co-creation. So let's recap some of the big truths when it comes to submissive training. So build the bond first, reward, don't reprimand, and then use structure, not shame, and then train for real life, not fantasy perfection. If this resonated with you, definitely grab my free how to be a good dom quick start guide at domsubliving.comslash dominant. It'll help you become the Dom a sub will actually want to follow. I'll put a link for it in the description too, but it's at dom subliving.comslash dominant. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through doming.