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Even though it was one of the best-selling books around the world and was also made into a super popular movie franchise, 50 Shades of Grey has become the subject of criticism, memes, and general hate in the Kink community. So let's see if 50 Shades of Grey is really that bad. Welcome to the Doms of Living podcast. If you don't already know me, I'm Alessandra, a BDSM educator. And whenever Fifth of Grey comes up, people make jokes. Kink content creators groan and Reddit threads tear it apart. But is it really that bad? Or are we just too embarrassed to admit that it kind of got some things right? Just to be clear, this episode is definitely not sponsored by Christian Gray's marketing team. I'm not getting free ties or playroom equipment in exchange for this review. What I am doing is walking through the story book by book, movie scene by movie scene, and looking at what Fifty Shades did wrong, what it did very wrong, and also what it surprisingly did right. Because for better or worse, this book was a first step for a whole generation of kinksters. It's kind of like a kinky gateway drug. And I've heard that from so many students and clients that I teach. So I'm recording this in order, no script really beyond my notes, no idea how this will end really. It might make me cringe, it might make me cry, laugh, but I will promise I'll be honest, and especially when it gets messy. And also, if you want your own BDSM contract like the one they reference in the movie, you can grab a free template at domsubliving.com slash contract. I'll put a link for it in the description too. But let's go back to 2011. So Twilight is everywhere, vampires are super sexy, fan fiction is exploding on the internet, and somewhere in that swirl of pop culture, a former TV executive named E.L. James uploads a story called Master of the Universe. Oh my god, I can't even with that title, but she uploads it to a fanfic site. It's basically Twilight, but with BDSM. Eventually she tweaks the names, publishes it as an ebook, and somehow through a mix of perfect timing, um, taboo, and different Amazon algorithms, it just really creates one of the most profitable book franchises in history. I said it was perfect timing because the Kindle book reader had just been invented and come came out. So before, if someone wanted to read spicy romance novels out in public, they would have to bring the actual physical book and then everyone would see the cover and see what that person was reading. Now we had moms reading Fifty Shades of Grey on a Kindle in a doctor's waiting room, and no one knew what they were reading. So people were able to read this book anywhere and everywhere because of the Kindle coming out at that time. So it was kind of this perfect storm. And the book sells over 150 million copies. So suddenly BDSM isn't something you whisper about with your partner or read about in an Anne Rice novel under your bedroom covers. It's front page news now. Um I remember it was on daytime TV. It was in freaking Target of all places. And whether we liked it or not, it it changed something. For the first time, a massive number of women, and because let's be honest, it was mostly women, they were reading about power exchange, impact play, and submission, and getting really curious about it. Even my mom, oh my gosh, even my mom listened to the audiobooks. My mom, she now knows what a safe word is, what limits are, which is both really empowering and mildly traumatizing as her child. But almost as quickly as 50 shades exploded onto the scene, the backlash for it started to hit. I remember critics were saying it was glamorizing abuse. Therapists were warning it was normalizing trauma bonding. And kinksters, the people who were living this 24-7 for real, they were either screaming about this really loudly and having opinions about it, or they were just kind of quietly saying, okay, yeah, it's a messy story, but it was kind of my first intro to kink. And I hear that all the time. So why so much hate? Well, there are three core reasons that people dunk on 50 Shades of Grey, and honestly, they're not wrong. So let's go through them. So, number one is that it's not real BDSM. This is the biggest one, and it's true. The the character Christian, he doesn't use safe words properly. There's barely any actual negotiation. He tells Anna, the the main character, what she can eat, where she can work, who she can see, which are honestly all things in my dynamic that I find pretty dang hot. But she was doing it without any clear enthusiastic consent. And the story really frames Christian's controlling behavior as sexy because of his traumatic childhood, which sends a really dangerous message. It sends the message that dominance comes from being broken, or that healing comes from being submissive to someone who isn't mentally and emotionally stable. But here's the thing: that's that's not how kink works, or relationships, or healing for that matter. So the second reason it gets a lot of hate is because it's really bad writing, and I hate to say that, but let's just be honest, the writing is rough, like something I would have written in eighth grade. Um, Anna's always biting her lip, she constantly refers to her inner goddess. It becomes annoying how much she says it. And then there's this infamous line in the movie where Christian says, I don't make love. I F hard. It is just so cringe to me when my Dom and I were watching it the first time we about died laughing and had to pause the movie until we recovered. It was so funny. But the third reason it gets so much hate is because Christian is low-key abusive. He's not dominant. He he stalks Anna, he shows up uninvited, he literally buys the company that she works for without telling her so he can watch over her even more. That's not dominance, that's manipulation and toxic control and coercion. And the fact that the whole story is wrapped in this pretty little bow of silk ties and weird piano solos, it doesn't make it less harmful because you can't put lipstick on a pig. So, yes, the critiques are valid. And if this was the only representation of BDSM that someone ever saw, that's a problem. Um, but before we throw the whole thing in the burn pile, here's the twist: it worked. Not because the story was good, but because it tapped into something very real for a lot of people. It gave people permission to explore. For many people, especially women, the idea of wanting to be submissive had always been treated as wrong, as weakness, as internalized misogyny because we had fought so hard for women's rights. Um, but Fifty Shades really reframed all that. It showed submission as sexy, as something a woman can choose, and as powerful in its own way. And then another reason it kind of works is it has made kink feel accessible. You you didn't need a latex cat suit or have to go to a secret underground club in Amsterdam to experience this. You just needed a tie, a blindfold, and a safe word. And probably the biggest reason it worked is it started conversations. I know couples that I teach who watched the movie and awkwardly talked about their fantasies for the first time ever. I know therapists now who said clients brought in the book and said, is this normal to want a relationship like this? I know people who Googled BDSM contract template at 2 a.m. because they couldn't stop thinking about that scene in the books in the movie. Um, it cracked open a door. And for so many people, that door led to discovery. But also, let's talk about the timing again because I really don't think 50 Shades of Gray would have been so popular if it wasn't the timing. I already talked about the invention of the Kindle, but 50 Shades came out in a cultural moment when women were stepping into more visible power. Women were climbing corporate ladders, starting businesses, carrying the weight of a family and a career and self-worth. And with all that power came a lot of pressure. So the idea of being desired and pursued and being overpowered by someone you trust and found sexy, that really hit something primal with a lot of women. Um, women didn't want to be controlled by society anymore, but they did want to surrender, but just on their terms. Um, but this is where the educator in me really starts to twitch. Because yes, Fifty Shades mentions things like safe words and contracts and negotiation, but then it also totally ignores them. Christian pretty much bulldozes over Anna's limits. He pushes past her boundaries in a very unhealthy way. He makes her feel guilty when she hesitates. There is this one pivotal moment in the story where she says red, which is their safe word, and he stops. And it's framed like this freaking heroic act. But in reality, stopping when someone's safe words in BDSM isn't heroic. That's like the bare minimum you can do. Um, consent isn't just about stopping, it's about asking and checking in and creating a space where someone feels safe enough to say no and use their safe word, and where they know that that no will be honored. Um, 50 Shades kind of just plays with consent, like it's a fun little plot twist, and that's a real problem. And yes, it is fiction, it is just a story, but this was a lot of people's first exposure to BDSM, and a lot of them walked away from it thinking, oh, I guess it's normal to feel scared or uncomfortable or coerced in a BDSM relationship. And that's just part of the fun of it. Um, and let me tell you, it's not. And then there's also just the whole Christian gray problem. So let's be honest here. Christian Gray is a walking trauma response. Um, a walking trauma response with washboard abs thrown in for good measure. He doesn't really do the work to heal. He just covers up his pain with money and control and kink. He's a fantasy, yes, but he's also deeply unhealthy. And look, I get it. The the tall, rich, brooding man has always been super sexy in fiction. That's why we have the character Mr. Darcy, and then we had Edward Colen, and now we have Christian Gray. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't call it out when the fantasy kind of bleeds into reality in toxic ways. Because here's something I've noticed, and maybe you've noticed it too, but a a lot of male DOMs hate Christian Gray, and they're very vocal about it. And they don't hate him because he's unhealthy. They hate him because they can't compete with the fantasy. He's rich, he's hot, he's mysterious, he's a billionaire with a body that looks like he spends four hours in the gym every single day while he's doing you know mergers and acquisitions. So he's kind of like the Patrick Bateman from American Psycho 2. And meanwhile, most real DOMs are like, hey, I have back issues and a dad bod and an average job, but I'll do a kinky scene with you though. But the ironic thing here that I love is that the casting in Fifty Shades really flips a common trope we see in media. Um, and that's because Christian here is the hot one. Anna is playing, and real life men are not used to that imbalance in media. Us women are used to that. We see it all the time. Um, take Marge Simpson and Homer Simpson. There's a huge imbalance there. Um, or the couple from the show King of Queens. It's it's super common for the wife or the girlfriend in a show or movie to be a 10 while her male counterpart is a seven at best. Um, even the Big Bang theory showed that too. So guys, I think weren't ready to see the reverse of all that in 50 shades. So part of the hate for Christian Gray, it's it's just jealousy, let's be real. Now let's shift gears because even by accident, 50 shades nailed a few things right. So, number one, it showed that submissives aren't weak. Anna questions Christian, she pushes back, she's not a doormat. So that was a nice surprise. And then two, it showed that dominance can be soft. So Christian wants to please her in everything, not just in the red room. So he doesn't just want to use her, he wants to kind of put her on this pedestal and almost worship her. And then three is it shows that structure and ritual are sexy. Um, everything from the contract to the playroom to the rules that they have, those things can really light people up. Even if the execution was a little cringe, the concepts landed. But sometimes I tell people if you're hoping to get some insights on BDSM from this series, you almost want to watch the movies in reverse or read the books in reverse because that might get you a better experience. Because by the third film or the third book, they're kind of just living happily ever after they've figured out vanilla boundaries, they're communicating. They honestly, I think, look more just like a kinky married couple than a hot power exchange dynamic. So it's kind of like just this vanilla glow-up. But okay, so here we are. Is 50 Shades of Grey really that bad? Yes. And also, no, it's not a BDSM manual, it's not a model dom-sub relationship, it's not even well written, but it got people curious, it got people talking. We're talking about it right now. My mom talks about it. It got people to say, you know, wait, this thing I want, it has a name and other people are into it too. Maybe I'm not weird. Um, it also inspired a lot of educators. It launched communities, it normalized conversations around kink and pleasure. So instead of making fun of it, maybe we honor it for what it is. And what it is is an imperfect but important step in a lot of people's journeys. You don't stay there though, but it gets you started. So if you're ready to go beyond 50 shades to start exploring healthy, informed DS dynamics, definitely grab my free BDSM resource library at domsubliving.com slash free. You'll also find a link for it in the description too. But let me know in the comments what was your gateway into kink? Was it 50 shades of gray, tumblr, a fanfic you're too embarrassed to name? And if you liked this episode, definitely subscribe. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sublin.