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Here's the thing, even the most confident Dom or sub you see probably felt like they were a fake when they got started. And you're probably a lot closer to being a real Dom or Sub than you think. I'm Alessandra from Dom Subliving, and if your brain's telling you I'm not ready or I don't belong here, this episode is for you. Let's get into it. Welcome to the Dom Subliving podcast. Okay, so you're curious about BDSM, but then there's that little voice in your head, right? It says, Am I really a Dom? Am I submissive enough? Am I too new, too old, too awkward? Maybe I don't belong here at all. So if any of that sounds familiar, you're not alone. In fact, when I did a survey last year of thousands of my newsletter subscribers, this was one of the top reasons people don't get started with BDSM. They they think they don't belong for one reason or another. Many folks told me I'm too new, I'm scared, I'm not ready, maybe I'm not good enough. And let me tell you, I get it. When I first got curious about BDSM, I was thinking the exact same things. Um I thought, what if I'm doing it wrong? What if I'm not submissive enough? What if I'm not the kind of person who belongs in this world? I was afraid that if I went to a dungeon, I would stick out like a sore thumb. So today I'm going to show you why you're way more ready than you think, and exactly how to stop feeling like a fake or an imposter in BDSM. So today you're going to learn why these feelings are totally normal, how to build confidence, how to stop feeling like a fake, even if you don't have a partner yet, and why you absolutely do belong here, no matter your age, your experience level, or where you're starting. And later in this episode, I'm also going to share the three things that help me go from I'm not ready to yes, this is who I am. So stick around for that. You won't want to miss it. But let's start with this. If you're feeling like an imposter right now, that is normal. In fact, it's a sign that you care. Most of the people who doubt themselves the most are the ones who are trying to be ethical and responsible and respectful. You don't want to cause harm. You do want to do this right. That's why you're questioning yourself. I know there's this myth out there of the natural Dom or the natural sub. Like you're supposed to just magically know what you're doing. Um, you're supposed to be instantly confident, um, be effortlessly dominant or submissive. And that's a bunch of garbage, to be honest. DS is a skill. Confidence is a skill. It's it's something you build, not something you're born with. And let's be honest, online it's so easy to get trapped in comparison. You scroll Instagram and you see people in the lifestyle with perfect colors, perfect protocols, perfect bodies, perfect partners. And it's easy to think, I'm not like that. I'll never be that put together. Um, I used to feel that way. I would scroll and think, I'm too awkward, I'm too anxious, I'm too weird. I mean, have you ever felt like everyone else knows what they're doing and you're just here kind of winging it and faking it? Well, I'm going to show you later why this feeling actually gives you an advantage. Um, it gives you an advantage in building your BDSM dynamic. But let's first talk about another huge reason that people feel stuck. It's when they think, I can't be a sub without a DOM, or I can't be a DOM without a sub. Totally not true. I just did a whole episode on this last week. So definitely go back and um watch it or listen to it. But you can absolutely train and explore and grow your identity solo. In fact, DOMs and subs who start on their own often build stronger, healthier dynamics later because they know themselves first. So, real quick, some ways to practice solo are journaling submissive reflections, creating rituals on protocols for yourself, um, practicing dominant and submissive communication, building self-awareness, developing emotional control. Because what would it feel like to walk into your next relationship knowing I know exactly who I am as a Dom or sub. And then any potential partner would be lucky to be with me. And later I'll give you five ways to build that confidence, even if you're starting solo. But now let's talk about another thing that holds people back. It's feeling like I'm too old, or I'm too tech challenged, or I'm too new. None of that is true. Age does not matter. The the DS community is full of folks in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and older. You're never too new either. Everyone starts at zero. Um, and yes, online learning and online communities can feel intimidating, but there's step-by-step spaces like my online bootcamp that we're gonna be talking about later on. But all those things make it easier. Just go to domsubliving.com slash bootcamp and join for free, and you'll see for yourself. But I've had members who joined last year's bootcamp and they told me I'm 65. I thought this was just for younger folks, but now they are thriving in their DS relationships and in the BDSM community. So your life experience, your wisdom, your maturity, those are all assets in DS. Because what if your age or life experience is exactly what makes you a better Dom or Sab? And later on, I'll tell you the number one thing experienced kingsters have told me that they wish they knew when they got started. But first, let's talk about how do you stop feeling like a fake? Well, first, confidence comes from doing the thing, not from waiting to feel ready. Um, self-doubt is totally part of the process. But remember that action beats perfection every time. So here are the five steps to help you. So, number one, name your imposter thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking, I'm not enough, I don't belong, notice it, name it. That's the first step. And then number two, I know I sound like a broken record on this, but focus on your why. What draws you to DS and lights you up? So anchor yourself to that. And then number three is to set small, doable rituals or protocols. It could be just one thing: making coffee every morning, practicing postures, setting intentions for yourself every day. And then number four is practice. Even if it looks imperfect, it should look imperfect. You don't need permission to get started. You you don't need a partner even. So just start now. And then number five, surround yourself with learning and community. So being in spaces like our online boot camp helps people so much. Because when you see others learning and excited and growing, you realize you're not alone. So I'll just give you a personal story too. The the first time I had a scene at a dungeon, I was shaking with nerves. Um, but because I had done all the the inner prep, it still worked. I survived. Um, it it felt real. And afterwards, I was so happy I went and finally did it. So think about what's one small thing you could do this week. It doesn't have to be go to a dungeon, but start small. So, what could you do this week to start stepping into your DOM or sub-self and that identity? But now I want to give you three personal lessons that I promised you earlier, things that help me finally feel like yes, I belong here. But real quick, before I share those three biggest lessons, let's talk about some common fears. So, fear number one is well, what if I mess up or disappoint someone? Well, we all mess up. Sorry to break it to you. Even experience Doms and subs, the the key is just good communication and work on repairing things. If you break a rule or forget a protocol, it's a learning moment. Um, for example, the the first time I forgot a ritual, my my dom and I used that as a teaching moment. No one expects perfection. What matters is intention and care. So, what would happen if you gave yourself permission to learn instead of expecting perfection from the start? And then fear number two is what if I'm too old or my body has limits and I can't do things? Well, yes, you can absolutely do this lifestyle. BDSM is about connection, it's about intention, power exchange. It's not about acrobatics or spicy images. I've worked with DOMs and subs in their 60s and 70s and older, and they're thriving and having a good time. Obviously, modify as needed, of course, but DS doesn't have to be a physical strain. Scenes can be adapted. What makes you real is your heart and the dynamic you're creating, not your body type or ability. Your life wisdom, maturity, and compassion is what makes you an even better dom or sub. And then the third fear is how do I find good information when there's you know so many scams and fakes and cringy things out there? Um, because there is a lot of bad info out there, but look for educators and communities that respect consent, that are inclusive, that teach with compassion and reality. And then some red flags to watch out for are anyone who says you're not a real dom or sub unless you do X, Y, or Z, or someone that promotes unhealthy dynamics. So trust your gut. Early on in my journey, I followed some toxic, you know, old guard advice, and it really hurt my dynamic and my self-esteem. Um, and then we eventually found healthier sources. Um, but now here's those three lessons that helped me finally feel like yes, I am a real kinkster, a real sub, and I hope these lessons can help you too. So, my first biggest lesson is you won't ever feel ready. You just start. I I thought I'd feel ready one day, but nope, you just do it. Just like the the Nike slogan, you just do it and that's how you grow. Do not wait to feel ready. You're you're never gonna feel ready. And then my second biggest lesson is your journey is unique. So stop comparing yourself. No two DS journeys are the same, and that's okay. That's that's beautiful, and that's how it should be. And then my biggest lesson number three is you don't need permission. You already belong here. If you feel called to this lifestyle, then you belong. You don't need anyone else's approval. When I finally embraced these truths, just everything shifted. And this is exactly what I help people with in my free boot camp. So if this spoke to you today, if you've been hesitating, waiting to feel ready. That's why I created that free jumpstart your BDSM journey boot camp. And it is exactly for folks like you. We go step by step through building that foundation so you can stop feeling like a fake and start feeling like, yes, I am a Dom or I am a sub and I belong here. You can join for free right now at DomSubliving.comslash bootcamp. I'd love to see you inside. There's a link for it in the description too. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Subliving.