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I've been quiet about this for a long time, but someone needs to say it. Most BDSM education out there is outdated, performative, or flow out wrong. And it's messing up real finances. I'm Alessandra from Dombs of Living, and I've got 10 things for not telling you. Welcome to the Dombs of Living podcast. Okay, this episode's probably gonna make a few BDSM educators mad, but I'm fine with that. Because too many people are walking around thinking they're bad DOMs or failed subs when really they've just been given bad advice. Now, let me be clear, not all BDSM educators are bad. I've worked with some amazing kink teachers at the different summits I've hosted and in our bundles. I even have friends who are educators in this niche, but weeding through the toxic noise is getting harder lately. Personally, I've had to cut ties with some well-known educators because of their dangerous teachings, different scandals, even crimes, honestly. It's a lot to say the least. So if you've ever felt like something was off in the way BDSM is being taught by someone, you're not imagining it. A lot of BDSM educators get it wrong, and it's hurting real people and real relationships. So why do so many smart, intentional kinksters end up frustrated, disconnected, or burned out? Well, in this episode, we're diving into the 10 biggest lives we've been sold, what real world kink actually looks like, the fix that's really working for my students and clients right now. And stick around because number four is going to ruffle some feathers, and number seven is the one that actually saved my relationship. So, number one, the first thing that most BDSM educators get wrong is they teach punishment as the primary tool for training. Let's start with one that drives me up the wall, and that's punishment as the go-to training method. So much of BDSM education treats punishment like it's the heart of the dynamic. You mess up, you get punished. But that's not leadership, that's fear management. Punishment, it doesn't equal structure, spanking doesn't equal growth. I've seen this go wrong too many times. There was a Dom I knew years ago, super committed, well-intentioned. He had a list of rules, and every infraction got an immediate consequence. But instead of getting better results, his sub started shutting down. She became anxious, scared even to really just express anything, even good things. She wasn't submitting anymore, she was surviving. And here's the real kicker. So he thought he was being a good dom. He was following what he'd been taught. So if you're using punishment as your first tool, you're kind of missing the whole point. True training comes from consistency, encouragement, and communication. One of my clients used a daily habit tracker with built-in affirmations and things, and it had a reward at the end of the week. It's simple, but it works. Their dynamic feels more like a partnership, not a power struggle. And no, I'm not saying punishment never has a place, but it should be balanced and it should be negotiated and meaningful, not the default. There are so many ways to discipline someone because discipline comes from the word disciple, which means taught one. So discipline can be punishments, yes, but it can also be rewards, or even just sitting down and having a heart-to-heart conversation, or like my Dom likes to do, having a hard lecture, even sometimes. So those are just some of the ways you can discipline. So I think when a Dom defaults to just punishment all the time, or an educator just talks about punishment all the time, I kind of think it's lazy. So ask yourself, are you building someone up or are you just trying to keep them in line? Now, number two is they ignore the dominant's emotional needs. Here's a big one that almost nobody talks about. Dominance needs support too. Most kink spaces are so sub-focused. And that's not a bad thing. Subs need protection, they need to feel seen, but DOMs do too. And it doesn't matter if they're a man or a woman or non-binary, they need support. But I think we've seen this more with men. I can't tell you how many male DOMs, especially older ones, they they've come to me saying, I'm supposed to be the strong one, but I'm exhausted. Um, one of my All Excess Pass members, they opened up during a coaching session and they said, No one ever checks in on me after a scene. It's always about her and her drop. And, you know, meanwhile, I'm lying in bed wondering if I did enough, if I punished too hard, if I miss something. So DOMs are human. You're not immune to crash or guilt or self-doubt. My Dom needs aftercare just as much as I do. Sometimes what he needs is more like space and quiet time. Sometimes it's me initiating physical affection so he doesn't always have to feel like he's the one reaching out. So if you're a Dom, you're not a robot. You're not a machine, you're a person holding emotional weight for someone else. So let me ask you, who's holding space for you? But the third thing most BDSM teachers get wrong is they assume obedience equals devotion. Obedience and devotion are not the same thing. I once worked with a woman who followed every rule to the letter. I mean, perfect posture, perfect tone, perfect journal entries. But every single time she got feedback, she broke down and she would start crying a lot of the times. Not because she was feeling vulnerable, but because she was panicking. And it turns out she wasn't obeying out of love for her Dom or desire. She was obeying out of fear. Now, not physical fear, but fear of messing up or letting her partner down. So she was just kind of going through the motions. And I've seen the flip side too. Someone who wasn't perfectly obedient because honestly, no one's perfect, but they would still show up with eagerness and presence and intention. And they're not afraid to question their Dom, to ask for things, to bring their whole self to the table. That's devotion. Devotion means they're with you, even in the messy parts, even in the awkward negotiations and the weird scenes. So if you're a Dom, stop asking, is my sub obeying me? And instead start asking, are they connected to me? Because obedience without intention and mindfulness is just performance, really. Devotion needs to come from choice, and choice needs to come from trust. Now, number four is they over-rely on leather or old guard traditions. Now, I know I'm going to get some awful messages about this one, but leather isn't the only way to be legit in this lifestyle. I used to feel so intimidated walking into certain munches and different events because if you didn't have a leather mentor or a sponsor, if you didn't have a vest with a million different patches on it, or if you weren't wearing the right boots or collar or using the right language, you were just kind of instantly seen as less real. But that's not kink, that's gatekeeping. I I do have so much respect for the leather community, but let's not pretend their model works for everyone. It can be rigid, it's really ceremonial. It it kind of reminds me of those Freemason groups or shriners groups that you know my elderly uncle used to be a part of. But for a lot of us living in modern times, these old school BDSM communities are not really accessible or even relatable anymore. Authority in your DS dynamic comes from how you live it, not whether you were patched in or sworn in. You can build a deeply structured TPE dynamic without ever stepping into a dungeon. Your rituals can be completely homegrown. Your titles can be private and unique to you. You don't need some wannabe Jedi counsel to give you the title of master. So stop asking if you're real enough and ask if it feels real to you because you don't need permission to be valid. You just need to be aligned with who you are. Now, number five is they ignore neurodivergence, disability, and mental health. And honestly, this one breaks my heart. So many people are taught a DIS structure that assumes everyone has the same emotional bandwidth, that everyone has the same executive function, the same daily capacity, but that's not reality and it's not inclusive. I've had clients with ADHD who couldn't keep up with traditional task lists. My DOM even has ADHD. I've worked with autistic DOMs who needed more quiet processing. I've supported subs with chronic fatigue syndrome who really felt ashamed. They couldn't kneel every night for different physical reasons. I had one couple who came to me after trying to implement a strict kind of checklist style protocol, and they kept like failing at it, but it wasn't about their effort. They were trying really hard. It was more about sustainability. So I helped them rewrite the structure, and together we made protocols that really adjusted based on their energy levels. Um, some days it was a simple yes, sir at breakfast time, and other days it was a full service ritual. And suddenly it started working because it wasn't about what they should do or what they saw other people doing. It was about what they could do consistently. So ask yourself, is your dynamic rooted in performance and copying someone else, or is it rooted in compassion and understanding? And the sixth thing I've seen other educators teach, or actually don't teach, is they they skip over aftercare or treat it as optional. Aftercare is not a bonus, it's not dessert, it's not something you do if you can get around to it or you remember. Especially in male DOM spaces, I hear way too many people say things like, my sub doesn't need aftercare, or they're fine. We we talked about it once a long time ago. But look, aftercare isn't about whether they're fine. It's about integrating, it's about nervous system repair, it's about closing the loop. I've had scenes that wrecked me in a good way, but if we hadn't taken the time to come down afterward, I would have carried that wreckage into the next day or the next week. I could have carried it even into how I later saw my partner and viewed him. But I've heard educators say that they personally don't need aftercare. And honestly, I think that comes from them not really knowing what aftercare is. I think they hear the word care and their mind automatically associates it with cuddling or coddling. But all aftercare really is, is what you do post-sene. The word actually comes from the medical field where after a surgery or a procedure, you would get aftercare or you'd get sent home with aftercare instructions. And all it is is what you do post-procedure. So when I hear an educator say they don't want aftercare, even as a Dom or a sub, I think, cool. So you and your partner just get up and leave the space without saying a word to each other after a scene. Um, even just saying, hey, are you good is aftercare. Even not saying anything, but just being available in case the other person needs something is aftercare. So again, I think some educators don't understand this. And we probably need a different name for it than aftercare because the care part is just hurting their ego, I think. But what I like to teach is what I call dual aftercare, where both people get what they need to recalibrate. That might mean time apart, it might mean journaling together, it might mean being held, and it applies to dominance too. Don't forget the one holding space needs care just as much as the one going deeply submissively. Um, for me personally, I need no touch right away, or I'll start like freaking out. But my partner just kind of waits for me to come back to reality on my terms, and they'll still like tend to me. But my Dom is completely different, and he needs verbal reassurance that he's not a horrible monster. So the point is aftercare needs to be customized to you and your dynamic, even if it's just a simple, hey, are you good? Now, number seven is they don't teach how to integrate BDSM into vanilla life. And this is one of my favorite myths to Bus because people think BDSM is reserved for high effort, high drama, you know, the candles and whips and chains kind of moments. But what happens when your kids throwing up or you're stuck working overtime for your job, or you're just plain exhausted? The truth is most kinksters live vanilla adjacent lives. And if your kink dynamic can't survive things like dishes and daycare and deadlines, it's not going to last. And this is the case too, even if you're practicing bedroom only, because what happens outside the bedroom will affect what happens inside the bedroom. But in my relationship as parents, we've made power exchange invisible, but it's still present. We have protocols that no one else notices, things like how I make his coffee and serve it to him, how we say goodnight to each other, how I check in before I make a decision. So start small. Build something sustainable because the real brag or the real flex isn't how kinky you are when the scene is all set perfectly. It's about how grounded you stay when life is chaotic and it will be chaotic. Now, number eight is they over-emphasize protocols and under-emphasize connection. Look, I love protocols. If you've been following me for a while, you you already know that about me, but a protocol with no purpose is just another checklist you need to cross off. I've worked with couples who had beautifully structured rituals and were doing some very high protocol kink, but they still felt disconnected. Um, and the reason is because no one had stopped to ask, why are we doing all of this? But once they paused and reworked the meaning behind each ritual, everything changed. The energy came back, the the presence returned. One of the things I emphasize in my protocol planner is that every ritual should serve your identity, intimacy, or intentionality. If it doesn't do one of those three things, it's just extra noise. So if you or your partner are doing everything right, but it still seems like disengaging, don't add more rules, ask more questions like why. Okay, we're almost to the end. The ninth thing I see most BDSM educators get wrong is they use gendered language and don't address things like race. This one's super subtle, but it's everywhere. You've probably seen it, where the DOM is always a man, the sub is always a woman, and there's zero room for anything else. And that kind of language might seem harmless, but it erases huge parts of our community. It tells people who don't fit that mold that you don't belong here. And I admit I was guilty of this too in the beginning of my teaching journey. I'm in a heteronormative relationship, and honestly, I just felt like I didn't have the right to speak about other types of dynamics. But I learned that is totally wrong. I've coached trans DOMs, I've coached straight men who want to submit. I've worked with power couples who switch on a weekly basis. Power exchange is not about gender, it's about desire and trust and consent and choice. So please let's stop pretending gender defines roles. They don't. And then there's also the issue of race in this lifestyle. We need to be sensitive to others' people's backgrounds and experiences and also be aware of whatever privileges we may have in this community. And we need to speak out to any racism we see. So one thing I see a lot of educators do is they only work with people who look like them. So sometimes you might see white straight educators who will only collaborate with other white straight educators. To me, that's a huge red flag. The BDSM community is extremely diverse. And so we want to make sure that our education needs to be inclusive and makes everyone feel welcome and also amplify other voices in the community, like educators who may look different than ourselves. And if you've been looking for a kink space where your identity is not questioned or looked down upon, that's what we're building in the All Excess Pass. So before we get to number 10, if you're already thinking, you know, yikes, how do I find a real BDSM educator and mentor that doesn't teach all this kind of toxic, scary garbage? I do provide monthly one to one coaching. For our All Access Pass members. It's included for free in your membership. And we can chat privately about anything you're struggling with, or you can just pick my brain too. And we actually have open enrollment going on right now for a limited time. Just go to domsubliving.com slash all access. We'd love to have you join us. There's a link for it in the description too. If you want to join us before the price goes up, and again, that's domsubliving.com slash all access. But finally, number 10. The 10th thing I see most BDSM educators get wrong is they frame DS dynamics as fixed roles. So let's finish with a myth that keeps people stuck for decades, honestly, and it kept me stuck. It's the idea that you pick your role once, and then that's it. No switching, no shifting, no growth. And sure, some people are one role for life. That's totally valid. But for the majority of us, our needs evolve, our turn-ons evolve, our capacity evolves, our role becomes more nuanced. Um, for me personally, I started knowing I was a submissive, and then I started exploring more of a slave role, and then eventually more of a little girl, and then a brat. And sometimes with other partners, I've explored aspects of domination too. I'm constantly evolving as a human being, so my role does too. But I've seen subs become dominants after years of learning how to lead. I've seen dominance explore submission because they finally felt safe letting go. Um, one client I had went from full-time submissive to co-dombing rituals with their partner on the weekends, and it just really strengthened their connection. So ask yourself: are you living a dynamic or are you performing a role you're just too afraid to leave? Because don't expect your identity and your dynamic to be set in stone forever. That's why in our all access past, there's coaching available with both me and my Dom if you want to ask him questions too, because sometimes you need a submissive perspective, and sometimes you want a dominance perspective. But here's the truth. It's keeping them burned out or insecure in their roles. You're not broken though. You've just been misled, probably. You don't have to perform anymore. You can practice deeply, slowly, meaningfully. And inside the All Access Pass, we help people unlearn the toxic noise and build real sustainable dynamics that last, even in the chaos of everyday life. So if you're ready to make that shift, click the link in the description to join us or go to domsuviv.com slash all access. You'll get all of my courses, rituals, monthly coaching, and a community that actually gets it. Now, comment below which of these 10 teachings have you seen or maybe even believed before? Let's dig into it. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Subliving.