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If you're a dominant or you're trying to be one, well, I don't want you to sabotage your dance dynamic. That's why today I'm going to tell you the top five reasons why dominants fail in their role. I don't want you to screw up, and I know you don't want to screw up either, so stay for this episode all the way through so you can give yourself the best chance to become an incredible dominant that any submissive would love to submit to. Welcome to the Dom Sub-Living Podcast. First, I just want to go over the term fake Dom. I know it's not the best word that we have in the kink community, and we probably need a better word for this term, but fake DOM is just an umbrella term to describe any Dom that's basically not a good DOM for one reason or another. They could be a predator, they could be a scammer, they could be an abuser, even, they can just be legit bad. So there's many reasons why someone can be in this category of fake. I don't really like using the term bad DOM instead because some subs might think, well, I can change them. So I know we need a better general term. So if you do have a better term, let me know in the comments or reach out on social media. But fake DOM is what most people recognize in the community at the moment. So it's the term we're going to be using for this episode. And before we get into the five things that I see every fake DOM do, if you want to make this even easier for you, I do have a free fake DOM quiz you can take at DomSubliving.com slash fake dom. It'll take you two minutes. You can go through the quiz, and it's actually kind of fun because it gives you a percent of what kind of good or fake Dom you are. Obviously, take it with a grain of salt. It's meant to be fun, but if you want to play with it, you can go to domsubliving.com slash fake dom and see where on the scale you lie or if you're submissive where your partner lies. Now let's start with one of the biggest, most overlooked red flags I see in this lifestyle, especially online. So number five, if you can't lead your own life, you're not ready to lead someone else's submission. Period. Now, when I say that, I'm not saying you need to be some six-figure CEO like Christian Gray or have washboard abs or be living in a penthouse, you know, with a custom leather throne. That's all fantasy. And trust me, a lot of fake DOMs are really good at selling that fantasy. But what I am saying is this if you're constantly overwhelmed, emotionally chaotic, flaking on your own responsibilities, or you're just relying on others to regulate your own mood, you're not really ready to lead. Because submission requires trust. And trust starts with stability. Because think about it. Would you hand over the keys to your car to someone who can't even keep their own gas tank full and is constantly getting in accidents? Would you trust someone to steer your emotional and physical well-being when they can't even keep promises to themselves? But here's the thing: this one red flag I'm going to tell you is a lot of times the hardest to spot at first because instability doesn't always look like a mess. Sometimes it actually looks like charm. Sometimes it looks like confidence until their sub says no, then it looks completely different. But sometimes it can even look like big Dom energy when really it's just control masking insecurity. But let me tell you a quick story. So years ago, I had a submissive friend, we'll call her name Jane, and she fell for a Dom that she met at a local group. He had the look, he had the voice, he even had the huge flogger collection. But after a few months, things got really rocky. He'd ghost her for days and then come back love bombing. He said things to her all the time, like, you're mine, but he couldn't, you know, keep to her boundaries. And it turned out he had gotten evicted from his apartment because he was in between jobs. He had just left his marriage, and that separation wasn't even really finalized yet. And he was bouncing from couch to couch. And Jane really felt confused because she thought, well, am I being judgmental? Am I just not being supportive enough? But no, she was actually being trained, just not in the way that she thought or hoped. He was training her to like accept instability as dominance, that this kind of flakiness was normal. Because the thing was, he wasn't even really a bad person. He was just not ready to leave someone else because he hadn't done the internal work to really lead himself and get his own life stable. Now, if you're a dominant listening to this and you're kind of feeling a little uncomfortable right now, good. That means that growth is starting to happen because leadership isn't about perfection, it's about readiness. And readiness looks like emotional regulation. It looks like consistency, it looks like knowing your own needs before you try to guide someone else's. So here's a simple gut check you can do. So ask yourself: do you follow through on your own commitments? Do you show up when you say you will, even to yourself? Can you hold space for someone else's chaos without creating your own? Because if the answer is no to those questions, then there's work to do. And there's no shame in that. In fact, some of the best DOMs I know, like DOMs I truly respect, they've all hit that wall at some point and they all went through a rough patch at one time. But they realized they had to get their own house in order before inviting someone else to kind of live in it, so to speak. Now, submissives, this part is for you. When you have a Dom or a potential Dom, watch how they live, not just how they talk. So do they follow their own rules? Do they treat you with as much respect as they treat themselves and, you know, their own body and their own hobbies and their time and their money? Because if they don't lead themselves with integrity, they're not going to lead you with care. And here's the wild part. So a lot of fake DOMs think they're dominant just because they want control. But wanting control and holding responsibility are two completely different things. In a minute, I'm going to tell you the red flag that usually follows this one, and it's a mistake that even experienced DOMs make when they feel insecure or entitled. But first, just ask yourself this. So who's actually in charge of their life? Because the answer to that tells you everything about whether they're ready to lead yours. Okay, number four, let's talk about one of the easiest signs to spot, but one of the most misunderstood. So if a DOM opens a conversation with, hey there, princess, or good girl, or I'm your master or mistress now, you've probably just met a fake. But here's the twist: a lot of people still fall for this, unfortunately, because it sounds dominant. It sounds like what you think you're supposed to hear, but it's not dominance, it's entitlement and ignorance, to be honest, because real DOMs don't lead with titles and honorifics. They earn them and ask for permission. Because would you let a stranger walk up to you on the street and call you baby? Um, would you be okay with a coworker at work, you know, calling themselves your boss on day one before you'd even had a you know single meeting with them? Of course not. So why do we tolerate it in kink? I think it's because we've been conditioned, especially in online spaces, we've we've been conditioned to think that dominance equals confidence. But here's the thing: real dominance doesn't demand the role, it embodies the role. Now, dominance, I'm speaking directly to you for a second. If you're calling someone pet or little one or slave before you even know their name, or if you're dropping daddy or mistress into their DMs without any negotiation or discussion, that is not confidence, that's pretend dominance. And it's disrespectful, even if you don't mean it that way, because what you're doing is claiming power without permission. And it's the opposite of what this lifestyle is completely built on. But let me explain something a a lot of people miss. There is a difference between dominance and dominant energy. Dominant energy can be felt, it's in your presence, it's in your your tone, your consistency. But dominance, real DS dynamic dominance, it's it's not just a vibe, it's it's a relationship and it's built on communication and consent and trust. But now subs. If they call themselves your sir or your owner or your mistress or your daddy or whatever, without your consent, they're not honoring this lifestyle. They're basically cosplaying as a DOM, and they are not safe to follow. Now, here's where it gets really interesting. Sometimes this behavior that they do, it doesn't even look aggressive at all. Sometimes it shows up as being overly sweet or even seductive, you know, saying things like, you seem like such a good little girl, or you're clearly meant to serve, or you can call me daddy or mommy if you want. So it's not always about intimidation. And here's the other thing to watch out for. It's the people who get defensive when you push back. If someone reacts with anger or guilt tripping you when you ask them not to use a specific honorific, that is a huge sign that they were never going to respect your limits in the first place. Now, Doms, if you're you're hearing this and realizing, oh crud, I I've done that before, it's okay, take a breath, but you can do better. You're you're here listening to this because you want to lead with care. And that starts by asking, not assuming. So next time you feel tempted to call someone pet or brat or slave, try starting with, hi, my name is so-and-so. What's your name? Or what terms feel good for you? Do you like being called that? Or would you prefer something else? It's not less dominant, it's it's more intentional. And here's the best part when honorifics are given with consent, when they're earned and they're implemented slowly over time, they mean so much more. But I'm gonna go on a little rant right now because you'd be so surprised. I see some big name educators still make the honorific mistake. Even with me, if I'm working with an online educator and collaborating with them, and maybe they do go by master so-and-so online in their business, I will still refer to them by their first name, and I can tell it bugs the heck out of them. They will try to correct me in emails, even, but I don't use their honorific when I communicate with them because they are not my master, they are not my Dom. I haven't entered an agreement with them. We haven't negotiated anything. They're they're not my partner. So even if you're going to a dungeon or a club and someone introduces themselves as master or sir or mistress or whatever, don't feel like you are obligated to call them that. You can just call them by their name. Okay, rant over. Now let's move on to number three. Let's talk about the one thing every fake DOM seems to do. And a lot of new submissives overlook this. So it's when they skip the basics, they jump straight to control, straight to role, straight to punishment, straight to physical intimacy, and they completely bypass the most important part of any DS dynamic, which is negotiation. So things like safe words, limits, aftercare, contracts, or written agreements, they'll gloss over all of it if they even mention it at all. And you might be thinking, but maybe they're just really experienced, or maybe they already know what they're doing. Well, if someone says, I've been doing this for years, I don't need to talk about limits, that's not experience talking. That's that's arrogance and it's not safe. Because here's the truth dominance isn't about assuming control, it's about negotiating power. Real dominants know that every dynamic is different. Just because they negotiated things one way with a past submissive doesn't mean it carries over to the next person. You are not a copy and paste kinkster, and a real DOM knows that. Let me give you a personal example. So, years ago, when I was first exploring DS with my husband, we took about two weeks to talk about our hard and soft limits before ever doing a single structured scene. Two weeks. And that was with someone I already trusted and was married to. And he had just as many things to talk about as I did, because real DOMs don't just receive power, they hold space for it, they create that container. But here's something you might not expect. Even if you think you're on the same page with someone, even if you've been married for years, if you haven't talked about the basics, you're not in a dynamic. You're basically in a ticking time bomb. In dominance, I'm I'm talking to you here. If if you find yourself skipping these conversations because you feel like you're too advanced, ask yourself why. Why are you avoiding communication? Why are you skipping the steps that create actual trust? Because maybe it's not confidence, maybe it's fear. Um, fear that if you actually slow down and listen, you might be challenged or held accountable, even, or you might look like you don't know what you're actually doing. So let me say this clearly: you are not a dominant because someone calls you sir or mistress. You are a dominant because someone trusts you with their vulnerability. And that trust starts with the basics. And subs, if someone can't make time for these conversations, if they dismiss it entirely or think it's unnecessary or make you feel silly for you know wanting clarity, that's really your cue to walk away because you deserve a dominant who sees the negotiation process as sacred and not something that's skippable. Because what happens when you don't talk about aftercare? What happens when you don't clearly define your soft limits or your triggers? You're not being easygoing and just going with the flow. You're actually setting yourself up for confusion and resentment down the road and sometimes even harm. In dominance, if you're serious about the lifestyle, here's something to remember. The fundamentals are never beneath you. Every single scene, every single partner, every single negotiation, you should treat it like it's the first time again. Because every submissive is unique, every scene is unique. How I show up to my DOM is completely different every day. And he adapts. So if you're really here to lead, you need to listen first. Now, here's the next thing we'll dive into after this because skipping the basics almost always leads to this next red flag, but they make the entire dynamic about physical intimacy. It's not about structure to them, it's not about rituals, it's not about mutual growth, it's about getting their sexual needs met fast. But before we tackle that, ask yourself this have you ever skipped the basics or said, you know, I know what I'm doing when really you're just kind of feel insecure? Well, look, we've all made mistakes, but the difference between a fake DOM and a real one is simple. Real DOMs go back, they revisit the foundation, they admit when they've messed up, they ask, they clarify, they adjust, because the power exchange only works when both people feel safe and they feel seen and they feel heard. So if you're listening to this thinking, wow, I've rushed through things before. You're not alone. Just don't keep doing it. And if you're a sub and and someone's doing that to you right now, maybe they've skipped all the negotiation and gone straight to, you know, you will obey me. Remember that that's not experience talking, that's a red flag. So revisit your basics because the stronger the foundation, the more powerful the dynamic. All right, number two, we're almost to the end. This one is huge. If you've missed everything else in this episode, don't miss this. One of the most common and dangerous red flags in fake DOMs is this. So they focus only on physical intimacy and they reduce the dynamic to it being their own personal kink dispenser, basically. And they disguise control as connection. Now let me be clear BDSM can absolutely be sexual. It can be erotic, it can be primal, deeply physical, incredibly hot, but it doesn't start with physical intimacy. It starts with trust, it starts with kind of that slow burn. It starts with building with that, you know, psychological safety that allows a submissive to open up and not just perform. But fake DOMs kind of flip that order. They try to sexualize everything right from the very beginning. I mean, you know the type of person, they're the ones who who push focus. Photos and videos right away. But that's not training, that's more like exploitation. Because if someone says they want to train you, but the only assignments they ever give you are sexual. I mean, where's the structure in that? Where's the protocol? Where's the consistency, the values, the rituals, and the growth? That's not DS. And sadly, I've seen this so many times. Submissives will come to me, you know, heartbroken. And it's not because, you know, they got ghosted or whatever, it's because they realized they were never actually in a dynamic. They were in someone else's fantasy, or even worse, they were being scammed or blackmailed. So, dominance, if your first instinct is to sexualize the connection, stop. To slow down and ask yourself, have I earned this person's trust yet? Do I know what they need emotionally? Am I actually offering structure or just taking what I want? Because real dominance isn't about getting off, it's about showing up. So, submissives, if your needs for emotional connection and structure and aftercare are going unmet, you're not being trained, you're being used. Now, coming up next, we're gonna talk about the number one most dangerous behavior that fake DOMs use to gain control. And I promise it's the one that causes the most damage in real relationships. But before we go there, let me help you make sense of all of this. If you're watching this and thinking, okay, I've seen the red flags, but what does a real Dom actually do? Or, you know, I'm a Dom and I want to do better, where do I start? Well, I have a couple tools that will help. So first, take that free quiz at DomSubliving.com slash fake dom. It's a quick way to check if you or your partner are showing the right signs of dominance or heading down the wrong path. I'll put a link for it in the description too. And if you're ready to go deeper, if you want to become the kind of dominant that a submissive can fully trust day in and day out, definitely check out our Dom Subtraining course at DomSubtraining.com. It's a full system that walks you through all of the daily habits and mindset shifts and the leadership principles that make you a competent and consistent and safe Dom. Whether you're brand new or already in a DS relationship, this course is really designed to help you lead with clarity and create a dynamic that actually lasts. I'll have a link for that in the description too. But okay, next up, we're going to do that final red flag. And trust me, this one separates the fakes from the truly dangerous people. Stick with me. It's the one mistake that most submissives don't catch until it's too late, unfortunately. Okay, number one, the biggest red flag. So the most damaging mistake fake DOMs make. And unfortunately, it's the one that can be the hardest to escape from once you're caught up in it. But here it is. So fake DOMs don't build trust. Instead, they weaponize fear. Let me repeat that. So they don't lead, they don't support, they don't guide, and instead they just control through intimidation. So they say things like, you're not a real sub if you won't do this, or no one else would put up with you, or I know what you need better than you do. Um, sometimes they'll say, if you really trusted me, you'd prove it. And a lot of times they'll say it in a tone that's really calm and calculated, maybe even seductive. So it kind of makes you second guess yourself. You you really start wondering, like, wait, maybe I'm the problem. Am I just being too sensitive? Am I not a good sub? Or, you know, is this just how the lifestyle works? But it's not. Real DS is based on informed, enthusiastic, ongoing consent, and emotional abuse has no place in it. But fear is usually what fake DOMs count on to maintain their control. Now, here's what to watch out for because this is so subtle. Sometimes intimidation doesn't come across as yelling or threats. It looks like emotional manipulation, like punishing you with silence, um, withholding affection, shaming you for needing aftercare, or even gaslighting you, or saying things like, you know, wow, you used your safe word. I thought you were a lot stronger than that. So intimidation doesn't just control the dynamic, it really rewires how the sub sees themselves. So let me say this to dominance. If your power comes from fear and not respect, you are not leading, you are domineering. And if you're justifying it by saying, well, it's just part of the training or they need to learn their place. No, that that's not training, that's conditioning. True dominance is not about compliance at any cost. It's about creating a container where obedience feels safe and meaningful. Now, submissives, let's talk about the biggest lie you probably have been told, and it's that fear is a part of the kink of it all. Now, fear can be kinky, but that's controlled fear, that's consensual fear. A lot of subs I coach, they've believed this, they've, you know, been scared or intimidated or just confused and feel that this negative fear is part of the dynamic. And they sometimes think, you will, you know, a good sub doesn't question their DOM. But no, that that is not part of the submission. Submission is is like a gift. It should never be given to someone who uses fear to force submission out of you. So if you are a sub, let me ask you this. Have you ever held back from using a safe word out of fear? Have you ever felt like your DOM would punish you emotionally if you set a boundary? Have you ever gone against your gut and your intuition because you wanted to be a good sub? If the answer to any of that is yes, you're not weak, but it may be time to take a hard look at your dynamic and maybe even get some help. Now, if you're a dominant and you've used any of these tactics, even unintentionally, you're you're not totally beyond redemption here. Let me let me make that clear. But you do have a responsibility to stop. You need to learn and lead better. Because at the end of the day, leadership is not about being feared. It's about being trusted, it's about creating a dynamic where your submissive doesn't just obey you. They feel safe enough to want to surrender to you. So, where do we go from here? Well, first, if any of this hit home for you, I invite you to take that free quiz at domsubliving.com slash fake dom. It's quick, it's eye-opening, and it'll help you pinpoint where your dynamic stands. And if you're ready to learn how to lead or follow if you're submissive and you want to do so with trust and structure and emotional depth, then our Dom Sub Training course is your next step. You'll learn the daily habits, rituals, and mindset shifts that really make someone a truly trustworthy, competent, and grounded dominant. You can find it at domsubtraining.com or click the link in the description because you can unlearn bad habits and patterns. You can heal from toxic dynamics and you can create something extraordinary. So take what you've learned today, use it, talk about it, share it, because this lifestyle can be safe, it can be beautiful, and it can absolutely change your life. So if this resonated with you, leave a comment below or message me on social media. Tell me what red flags you've seen or what real DS looks like to you. Don't forget to subscribe. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dominson Living.