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You might think you already know everything about kink. I mean, how complicated can it be, right? But after 100 podcast episodes, I've learned that the stuff that actually makes or breaks this lifestyle isn't what people expect. I'm Alessandra from Dom Sub Living, and I'm going to spill the lessons I learned the hard way. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living podcast. This is episode 100. Yes, 100. When I started this show, I was literally sitting on my bedroom floor talking into my iPhone, hoping someone out there wanted to hear about BDSM and Kink in a way that was real and honest and practical. And here we are, half a million total audio downloads at the time of this recording and 30,000 YouTube subscribers. We are the number one BDSM and Kink podcast, and even breaking into the top 20 for sexuality podcasts on Apple and Spotify. That is bonkers to me to even think about, but it's not just the numbers. So thousands of people, actual human beings, people like you have taken my courses or joined our All Access Pass or even sent me heartfelt personal messages saying how this podcast has been the first step into the lifestyle for you. And that's why I do this. That's why I keep showing up. It's the actual lives that this podcast is changing, which is crazy. So today we're looking at the 10 hard-earned truths I've learned over these 100 episodes, things I wish someone told me when I started, because it would have saved years of trial and error for me. And honestly, I'm still having to learn them over and over. And this podcast has really helped me to do that. I'm learning right alongside of you. And so by the end of this episode, one of these lessons I'm going to share with you might just make you rethink your entire dynamic. I also have a free gift for you at the end, something I've never offered anywhere else. It's totally brand new and worth $50. But I'm going to give it to you for free. So stick around till the end. And I'm going to share something deeply personal, something this podcast gave me that I haven't really shared with anyone. Even my family doesn't know about this. And that actually brings us to lesson number one. Stop caring about what people think. Seriously. When I started in Kink, I cared way too much about what other people thought. My family, my friends, even strangers online. And if I'm being totally honest, part of me still had that little voice saying, well, what will they think if they find out? And that's part of the reason why this podcast was an audio-on podcast for such a long time. I didn't show my face online. But the truth is, people will judge you. Some will do it out of ignorance, some out of their own shame. I've had internet trolls come after me and leave comments about my body, my voice, my relationship, my kids, even, my morals. If that had happened when I had first started exploring BDSM, it probably would have crushed me. But over time, I've realized that they're not the ones living my life. And it says more about them than it does about me. And they don't get to dictate my happiness. They don't get to dictate my sexuality or my dynamic. And they also don't know the whole picture. I've shared on this podcast how I had to leave the religion that I had been in for almost my whole entire life because that organization found out that I practiced BDSM and taught others about it. And I've learned that I could survive that. And even my life would come out better because of it and I would be even more stronger. So if you're living in fear of judgment from either a partner, your family, your church, or some random dude on Reddit, you're not living for yourself. And if you're not living for yourself, you're not really living. I mean, how much of your life is really yours and how much is shaped by fear of what someone else might think? So stop caring about what other people think. Now, lesson number two is fantasy isn't reality, and that's okay. A lot of people, myself included, come into BDSM with these perfectly staged fantasies in their head. And sometimes they work exactly as you pictured, and other times not so much. I once had a fantasy about a scene I thought would be the hottest thing ever. We planned it out, we prepped everything, I had a cute little new outfit, and when we actually did it, it was awkward and cringe, and my mind couldn't stay focused. I felt more self-conscious than turned on. At first, I thought something was wrong with me, but then I realized the fantasy still turns me on in my head. It just doesn't work for me in real life. And that's fine. Some kinks are meant to stay in the realm of imagination, but I had to remember that reality is messier than the fantasy. It's raw and real. And that's what makes it amazing. I think before this podcast, so many people had this idea of me that I live this 50 shades of gray type of life where I am constantly in restraints and in leather and kneeling at my dom's feet, like every second of every day. And I've shared so many mistakes that I've made on this podcast, so many of the real life moments of either physical illnesses, mental illnesses, things going on with our children, our jobs. And that has actually brought me closer to people and made me more relatable. And so I've had to learn to stop trying to be this fantasy and trying to live a fantasy and just be me because no one's dynamic runs like a scripted erotic scene from a novel, and that's okay. My life is not perfect, either is yours. It's not a fantasy, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Perfect is boring. Now, lesson number three that I had to learn the hard way is communication is the real kink. Over 100 episodes, one theme has come up again and again, and that is if you can't talk about it, you probably shouldn't be doing it. And I'm not talking about the type of conversations where you have where you're asking, what are your hard and soft limits? I mean the real deep, ongoing and sometimes ugly conversations. Things like, how did that scene make you feel? Is there anything you've been craving more of? Are there any rituals you've outgrown? Or one question I love to ask my clients is if you could wave a magic wand, how would you like things to be? You can ask what traumas might have gotten inadvertently triggered, or what traumas do you want to recreate? Surface level check-ins keep you polite, but deep check-ins keep you connected. That's why I'm always reiterating how me and my Dom do weekly check-ins every Sunday night. And for some of the stuff that's just way too hard for me to say out loud, I will journal about it and he will read it later because we've consented to that. So, yes, kink is hot, but talking about it before, during, and after is sometimes even hotter and more fulfilling. But here's the thing communication only works if you're with the right partner, and not all people calling themselves dominants actually are. Which brings us to lesson number four not all dominants are created equal. I once met someone who on paper seemed like the perfect Dom. They were confident, they were experienced, they were well spoken, but then I saw how he treated his submissives. He was ignoring limits, pressuring them for play, and just really making crude jokes about consent. So titles mean nothing without the actions to back them up. So always vet people, not just for their skills, but to really know who they are as a person and how they respect boundaries. Through this podcast, I unfortunately have heard a lot of people's horror stories about similar experiences that they've had with dominant partners or people they've come across online. I've even come across well-known educators who raised a lot of red flags. So be careful if you are a submissive and you're looking for a dominant. But if you are a dominant, make sure you're living up to your role. And I have done so many episodes on this. So definitely go back and take a look because being a dominant a lot of the times isn't about what you do, but also what you don't do. And if you think submissives don't have the power to walk away from someone like that, wait until you hear lesson five. And that is submissives hold more power than they realize. A lot of times people have this mental version of a sub where they think they're quiet and never speak up and they never voice their opinions. And that cannot be farther from the truth. And unfortunately, while I've been doing this podcast, I have gotten so many trolley comments about people telling me that I'm not a real submissive because I speak up and educate other DOMs and subs. And they think that I should just stay quiet about this lifestyle. And that is just not going to happen because I love this lifestyle so much. And when you love something so much, you can't shut up about it. And that is one of the reasons why I started this podcast, because I had so much to say about the lifestyle, even as a submissive. And it's not just me. I've seen subs completely change the direction of a scene with just one word, you know, saying no. And they don't feel obligated to give an explanation either. I've seen subs set boundaries that actually made the dynamic stronger. So remember, submission is not weakness, it's an active, ongoing gift, a gift to oneself and also a gift to your partner. And you get to choose who gets it. Now, lesson six that I had to learn the hard way is that BDSM isn't just for the bedroom. Now, hear me out on this one. Some of the most impactful parts of my dynamic have nothing to do with physical intimacy. It's the little things, the rituals, the protocols, daily acts of service. One of our simplest rituals is just my Dom telling me, good girl, at the end of the day when I've completed all of my tasks. It's literally two seconds long, but it makes me feel seen. It makes me feel connected, and it makes me feel valued. If you think BDSM is just about scenes, you're missing like 80% of all the other stuff out there that makes it so powerful. And I hear from so many people that say, well, I only want to practice kink in BDSM in the bedroom. And that's totally cool and that's totally valid. But when you do let it bleed into other areas of your life, it makes what you do in the bedroom so much hotter because it builds anticipation and makes it so that your dynamic just feels more real because instead of just pretending and doing roles, it becomes more of your identity. It becomes something you think about even when you're not playing. And it's like any other skill or any other hobby that the more you immerse yourself in it, the better you become. It's kind of like if you're a runner and you want to do a race, like a marathon, and you think, well, the only time I'm going to run is at the marathon. You're gonna be struggling during that marathon. But if you start adding training runs and fun runs and recovery runs and runs and all different types of workouts, you know, doing weight training and yoga, it will just make you such a better marathon runner. And I believe it's the same for BDSM. So, yes, enjoy BDSM and kink in the bedroom, but I really learned the hard way and wasted a lot of time that if you start exploring this lifestyle outside the bedroom, even if that just means reading a book about BDSM or taking courses or going to events and going to different groups or having rituals and protocols outside the bedroom, it can really open up a whole new avenue and again just make what you do in the bedroom so much better. And that kind of relates to lesson seven. And that is your mental health shapes your kink. I've learned firsthand that stress and depression and trauma history can impact your scenes more than any toy in your toy bag. If you're mentally checked out, even your favorite kink can feel like work. And I've had students and clients tell me how therapy and self-care and emotional regulation just really made them better dominance and better submissives. And a lot of things we talk about on this podcast is about BDSM, but it could also be not about BDSM. So many of the principles that make us better dominance and better submissives and better switches, it makes us better human beings on this planet. And that's why I like to say that BDSM is my superpower because it improves my mental health. It has helped me to work through my traumas. And I'm not the only one who says this. I have done so many other episodes on psychology and mental health where, you know, therapists and doctors are starting to see the benefits of kink and BDSM. So if you want a kinkier life, if you want to be a better Dom or sub, work on your mental health. And when you work on your mental health, you will become a better sub or Dom and make your life a whole lot kinkier. Um, so do the self-care, get your sleep, meditate, exercise, eat a healthy diet, go to therapy if that works, um, do alternative therapy. Um I've shared even on this podcast about my experiences with ketamine and traditional therapy. But take care of your mental health and help your partner take care of their mental health too. Because your mental health isn't separate from your kink life. It's really the foundation. Now, lesson eight is the kink community is diverse and imperfect. The community can be amazing, it's full of supportive, kink positive, welcoming people, but it can also be messy, unfortunately. Um, there's a lot of gatekeeping, drama, and just people's egos. So just like any community out there, there is flaws, but community is so vital. You know, I've I've said this on the podcast before, but it takes a village to raise a kinkster. And I really believe that with my whole heart. Um, but it's hard finding good community and safe people to be friends with in this lifestyle. We do have a free online community. You can join for free at dumpsubliving.com/slash community. We run free events from time to time like our summit and our boot camp, and we have forums there for all access past members, and I do one-to-one coaching every month there for them. But whether it's online or in person, having community is so important. And over the years, I've seen the kink community just become more and more diverse. So I do think it is going in a positive direction. It used to just be the old guard, you know, everyone was older and cisgender and straight and white, and it has just become more and more diverse in terms of age, even more diverse in cultures and race and ethnicity and lifestyle. Even um, you know, it used to just be masters and slaves, and now we see puppies and littles and bratties, sadistic, switchy daddies. So find your people, build your circle, but don't waste energy on all the toxic noise. Okay, so lesson nine, we're almost getting to the end. Your first dynamic won't be your last or your only. And what I mean by this is your needs will evolve, your your skills will grow, and sometimes your partner won't grow with you. And that's okay. Endings aren't failures, they're they're just really transitions. And even with me and my Dom, I've seen our dynamic evolve and change. And this year, we will have been married for 25 years. And fairly recently in the last few years, we've explored having other partners. We've explored different roles too. And one thing that has really helped our dynamic is just not relying so much on the other person. The more I think about what it means to be a submissive, um, it really evolves ways that don't, you know, revolve around a partner. And that has actually led me to become a better partner. So even though I coach so many couples, I'm coaching the individuals. I'm helping them to be the best they can be in their role because who knows what the future will bring. Um, even, you know, long-term committed relationships can end, you know, God forbid something may happen to your partner. You know, even if you're in, you know, a master slave dynamic, you know, working on yourself makes you a better partner and be in a better position to serve or lead. So don't hold back from change and growth and maybe even choosing a different role or letting go of one that doesn't fit anymore. I know this has been the case with me, where I started off very traditionally. I was just a run-of-the-mill submissive, and then I explored other roles like bratting and age play, um, you know, being a little and even switching a little bit with, you know, different partners. So don't limit yourself. Now, before we get to lesson number 10, make sure you're subscribed or following the podcast and take a screenshot that shows that you are, and then go to domsupliving.com slash follow. And you can get my BDSM Lifestyle Roadmap. It's worth $50, but you can get it completely free. So again, just subscribe or follow the show. Take a screenshot that shows that you are, and go to domsubliving.com slash follow to get my BDSM Lifestyle Roadmap. There will be a link for it in the description too. And after lesson number 10, I'm sharing something deeply personal that this podcast brought into my life, something connected to my sister, actually, who's no longer with us. So Um, stick around, but lesson number 10 that I had to learn the hard way is learning never stops. Even after 100 episodes, I'm still learning. Just last month, I was doing an episode that touched on aftercare, and it made me completely rethink how I approach it. BDSM and Kink and Dom subdynamics are just so nuanced, and there's so many amazing things to learn and discover. I seriously didn't think I would make it to 100 episodes that I would quit after just a dozen and I would get bored because I thought, how many episodes can I make uh about this? You know, I thought I would just be doing episodes all the time, like, you know, five ways to be a better Dom, you know, five things every Dom should do, five mistakes Doms make. But kink is such a huge topic. And so, you know, we're doing so much research for this show. I've learned so much. Um, I do have a background in journalism. I have a degree in it. So I've always loved doing research and deep dives and just being curious about topics, and it just amazes me how I've been able to apply that to kink and BDSM and, you know, do something, you know, really meaningful. I mean, we've done episodes on neurodivergency, psychology, Christianity, um, mental health, you know, disabilities, and just the list goes on and on. And I know I'm going to have a hundred more episodes where my mind is going to be completely blown, and hopefully your mind will be blown too. So if you ever have an idea for a new episode, definitely let me know in the comments or reach out to me on social media. But curiosity isn't just for beginners, it's for anyone who wants their dynamic to keep thriving, who wants to keep growing in their role. So never stop learning. Now, I wanted to share something a little more personal, and I was really debating even sharing this, but this podcast has just given me so much, and not just professionally or in my DS lifestyle, but I have really struggled with body dysmorphia my whole life. And when I started doing this podcast, I knew that seeing myself on camera and hearing my voice, it was going to be very hard. And it was hard at first. I'm not gonna lie. I mean, we all have those times where we hear our voice and we, you know, cringe and we think, oh my gosh, my voice sounds so stupid or weird. But for me, it was just really next level. Um, in case you already didn't know, um, Jay, my my dominant, my husband, he's the one who edits every podcast episode. He does an amazing job. Thank you, Daddy. And sometimes he would have me look at something while he's editing because he had a question or something. Um, and I just couldn't see my face on the screen. Um, I would literally tell him, you know, close the window, or I'd have to block it out. So I couldn't see myself, you know, make the window so much smaller, or I'd look away. Um, it was just too traumatizing to watch it back. But the weirdest thing is it has actually gotten easier over time. I think it's almost like exposure therapy to where I can look at myself and hear myself now, and it's gotten so much easier. In fact, we kind of have this running joke now where um one time Jay was editing a video of me and I was watching it and I said, Oh, I look really pretty in this one. And he said, Well, that's because I color graded it. And he didn't realize what he said, but it was just so funny. We started laughing. Um, but so now we have this running joke because you know, if he ever tells me, like, oh, you're so beautiful or you're so pretty, you know, I just say, Thanks. It's because I'm color graded. Um, but something else has happened. Um this is gonna be hard. So one time I was listening back to the podcast and I heard myself laugh and it caught me off guard. Um, this is really hard even talking about this, but I heard myself laugh and it just made me freeze because I sounded exactly like my sister hearing it. And um, I think I've shared this before, but my sister died nine years ago of cancer. And when I heard myself laugh, it sounded exactly like her. And me and her were a lot alike, we looked a lot alike. Um, you know, you could tell we were related. And in fact, when people would, you know, ask me who didn't know what my sister was like or anything, I would say, well, you know, me and her, you know, look a lot alike. We're exactly alike, except she's the happier version of me. Because even though we did look a lot alike and acted a lot alike, she was just always happy and always optimistic. But the weird thing is, so I am the same age that she is or that she was when she died. Um, so now when I see myself on video, I really don't see me. I I see my sister, I see her smile, I see, you know, the laugh lines that she had around her eyes. And so the podcast has just become really this gift, the sweet gift, because, you know, like I said, she died nine years ago, but now I'm the same age that she was when she passed. And so me being older has been a gift too. Um, I've shared before how I had stage four cancer. Um, but you know, I'm still here um and she isn't. So it's just kind of really special um way to just still see her and hear her in a way. Um, so I kind of went from this, you know, oh my God, I can never do a podcast. I have this huge body dysmorphia and it's going to trigger so many things. I'm gonna, you know, feel so ugly to now it's like I actually enjoy watching myself because I I look so much like my sister when I last saw her. And I would have never have had that experience, would have never, you know, this is really hard. I would have never had that if it wasn't for the podcast. Um, the podcast has done that, and it's just getting a little piece of her back. And the crazy thing is, um, I won't go into much detail about this, maybe in a later episode, but no one in my family knows about this huge company, Dom Subliving. My my mother doesn't know, my my brother doesn't know, I don't have any other extended family that knows. And there's a lot of reasons for that. Um, mostly I just don't talk to them that much anymore. I don't think they really care what I do, and that's a whole nother story. Um, I have shared a little bit here and there with them, but I'm, you know, just always been the black sheep of the family. But the really neat thing is I I know if my sister was around, she would have probably been the only one I could tell that I have a podcast, that it's in the top 20 sexuality podcasts of Apple Podcasts, that I have 30,000 YouTube subscribers, that we, you know, just hit half a million downloads, that I've been featured in Cosmo and GQ magazine, and I know she would be so supportive and just ecstatic for me. So I just wanted to say a huge thank you to you because without you listening to this podcast and consuming it, um, I wouldn't have this podcast and I wouldn't get to have all these unexpected blessings that it has given me. So thank you. Thank you for being part of this 100 episode journey. Don't forget, send me a screenshot that you're subscribed or following me and go to domsubliving.com slash follow and I'll send you my BDSM lifestyle roadmap, which is worth $50, but you can get it completely free this way. And remember, live for yourself, not for someone else's approval. Life is short, so live kinky, and until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.