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People hear I'm a masochist and assume I'll do anything. But nope, I've got hard limits too. One in particular makes my skin crawl every time. I'm Alessandra from Dom Sub Living, and this is the story of my biggest hard limit and why it's okay if you have yours too. Welcome to the Dom Subliving podcast. If you've ever wondered what if my partner wants to push me past my hard limits, or do I need to explain my limits to everyone, this episode is going to answer that. But first, let me tell you a story. Okay, so a small package came to our house, and my 17-year-old son, who thinks every package is for him, he wanted me to open it right away so he can see what was inside. Now, I already knew what it was, but I opened it up and showed him what it was. And it was this cute little package, and on the outside, it had a picture of this shiny pink little device with two silver nodes on the end. And my son, who has no filter and is just so hilarious and so quick-witted, he said, Is that a vibrator? And I just started cracking up. Like, that's my kid. But here's the kicker. It wasn't a vibrator. It was a facial microcurrent toning device that I had ordered. But the whole situation spiraled me into thinking about something a whole lot deeper. And that is my hard limits. Specifically, my biggest hard limit, which is electroplay. So let me explain. This device I bought, I had been eyeing for a while, like probably a year, but there was an online store that was running a 50% off sale for it. So I thought, why not? I'll give it a try. But when it showed up, and after my son had a good laugh about it, I took it out of the box later and I just kind of froze looking at it. Because if you know me at all, you know I hate anything electrical, like really hate it. Now I can be the biggest masochist in the room, you know, floggers, paddles, you name it, but electroplay is where I draw the line. Always have. And yet, here I was holding this device that I was supposed to put on my freaking face. And when my Dom saw me with it, he was just completely shocked. He was like, wait, you ordered something electric? Like the same person who won't even touch a tens unit? Exactly. But let me pause here because this isn't just a funny story about a little pink gadget. This is about what it really means to have hard limits, even in a 24-7 total power exchange TPE dynamic like me and my Dom have. So keep listening because I'm going to share not only why electro play makes me cringe, but also the bigger lessons I've learned about trust and boundaries and why no one gets to psychoanalyze your limits. But let's rewind a little. When I was a kid, we used to go on field trips. Um, I grew up in the Bay Area. So we went to places like the Exploratorium or the Lawrence Hall of Science. You know, these are kind of like these hands-on museums and things where they would have these giant plasma domes with the blue and purple lightning currents buzzing and crackling inside. And you would touch these things and the electricity arcs to your fingertips, and it just makes your hair stand up and everyone laughs. And on these field trips as a kid, everyone in my class loved it, except me. I wouldn't touch the freaking thing. I would stand off to the side, just kind of with my arms crossed, just waiting for that part of the field trip to be over. Even as a kid, something about electricity on my skin felt wrong. Not painful, not scary exactly, just kind of like nails on a chalkboard. And that feeling has never gone away for me. And here's what's weird because if I can take canes and whips and paddles and even needles, why does something as simple as a little zap make me cringe? Well, keep listening because I'll explain what I think is really happening. So back to my story and fast forward to adulthood. I've been prescribed tens machines so many times for different injuries. My back, my foot, you name it. And let me tell you, my pain level in those moments were through the roof. Like I was in tears, couldn't even move. I've even had to do nerve blocks for some of these things. And yet I still wouldn't use the TENS unit that the doctor gave me. Meanwhile, my Dom and my kids would plug that thing in and stick the electrodes on their arms and just laugh hysterically at how weird it felt. And I'd just stand there refusing to even touch it. So when that pretty pink facial microcurrent toning device arrived and I was actually planning to use it, you can imagine the disbelief on my Dom's face. But here's where it gets even more interesting because this story isn't just about me not liking electroplay, it's about what happens when other people don't respect your hard limits. And I've seen some pretty bad examples of that in the BDSM world. Here's something that bothers me. So I have students who are submissives, and a few of them have told me before that they've had DOMs who, when they find out that they have a hard limit, they not only don't respect it, they they try to dig into it. They say things like, Well, tell me why you don't like it, what trauma is behind that? Or even worse, they will say, We should explore this together so you can get over it. No, that is not dominance, that is not trust, that is manipulation. Because here's the truth, you don't need to justify your hard limits to anyone. You don't need to psychoanalyze them, and you definitely don't need to get over them. Hard limits are there for a reason, even if the reason is as simple as I just don't like it. But let me tell you about another story about what happened to me at a dungeon one night. So picture this: my Dom and I are at a dungeon event here in LA. The energy is just really intense and electric, no pun intended, but people are laughing, scenes are happening, music's going, and then there's a performance. And on the main stage, a Dom brings out a violet wand and she starts using it on her sub. And a violet wand, in case you don't know, is an electroplay um device. So I see this and I instantly start to cringe. Not because I'm scared, but because just watching it sets off that nails on the chalkboard reaction in me. And my dom looks over at me and he notices my reaction, and he kind of just leans over and whispers to me, hey, you need to check your face. And that's when it hit me. I wasn't just reacting internally, I was showing it and I didn't even realize it. And in the BDSM community, we have this saying, your kink is isn't my kink, and that's okay. Or in other words, don't yuck someone else's yum. So my cringe face shouldn't get to ruin someone else's scene or the fun that everyone else was having. So I learned something that night. If you really can't control your reaction, sometimes the respectful thing to do is just excuse yourself. But that night I was able to keep my poker face on and enjoy the rest of the performance. But here's the part I haven't told you yet, because even though I've never liked electro play, I realize I actually do enjoy something that's right on the edge of it. And that kind of surprised me. So have you heard of the Wartenberg wheel or the pinwheel? It's that spiky little wheel that rolls across your skin. Sometimes people use it in medical play. And I loved that thing. And if you've ever had it roll across your skin, you know the feeling. It's almost electric, like your nerves are lighting up. Little sparks are kind of just firing all over your body where it's being applied. So here I am refusing actual electroplay, but kind of craving something that feels almost like it and kind of mimics it. And heck, I actually just remembered a long time ago, I even did laser hair removal. Um, it was so painful, they they have to ice your skin between zaps. I mean, that's how much it hurts. So so maybe I'm just willing to suffer through my hard limit if it's only in the name of beauty. Who knows? Kind of weird, right? So that's the thing about limits. They're not always logical either. They don't always make sense. Sometimes it's not about pain versus pleasure or what you can handle. Sometimes it's just about preference, and preference is enough. And this leads me to the biggest lesson of all: how hard limits actually strengthen trust in a 24-7 TPE dynamic. Because a lot of people think if you're in a total power exchange relationship, doesn't that mean the DOM can do anything to you? Technically, yes. In our dynamic, for example, my DOM could do anything to me. But here's why that works for us. I trust him completely. I know he would never push me into something he knows I don't want. Like he's not gonna go ask me to rob a bank or something. And that's the difference between healthy TPE and abusive dynamics. The power isn't in the anything goes, it's in the trust that certain things won't be crossed. And that's why my electroplay, Hard Limit, has never been a problem for us. My Dom doesn't shame me for it. He doesn't push me to explain it. He doesn't roll his eyes at me and say, but you're such a huge masochist. You should be able to take it. He doesn't try to force a confession out of me either because he thinks I'm secretly hiding some traumatic past childhood experience from him. He just accepts it. And that acceptance makes me trust him even more deeply and wants me to open up and explore and do more things with him. So here's what I want you to take away. Number one, you don't need to justify your hard limits. And number two, you don't need to psychoanalyze them either. And number three, you definitely don't need to get over your hard limits. Sometimes saying, I just don't like it, is enough. And the right partner, the one who truly deserves you, will never make you feel guilty for that. So if you've been struggling with guilt over saying no, or if someone has pressured you to explain yourself, I hope this story reminds you that your boundaries are valid, always. Because at the end of the day, what makes a 24-7 or TPE dynamic work isn't pushing through your nose. It's trusting that your nose will always be listened and respected. Now, so what ended up happening to me and this electrical microcurrent facial toning device? Well, I'm happy to report I finally took it out of the box and asked my Dom to be the guinea pig. We tried it out on his arm. Um, then I tried it. I put it on the lowest setting on my arm, and I was able to work myself up a little bit. And even on my face, I don't really feel it. I don't know if it's actually doing anything. We'll see. But that doesn't mean I'm planning on doing electro play anytime soon. That's still a hard limit for me. So thanks for hanging out with me today for this story time. I know this was a little different than usual, but it's such an important topic. And if you want to go deeper into your own hard and soft limits, whether you're a Dom or a sub, you can download my free checklist of over 50 kinks at domsubliving.comslash checklist. I'll put a link for it in the description too. So if you're ready to start figuring out what your yeses and no's and maybes are, or if you want to help your partner figure out theirs, just grab it for free at domsubliving.comslash checklist. Remember, your hard limits are valid, always. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Subliving.