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Here's what no one warns you about when you first get curious about Kink. Most of what you've heard about is completely wrong. I'm Alessandra from Dom Sub Living, and today we're setting the record straight. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living podcast. So back when my Dom and I were first starting out in our Dom Sub relationship, um, my Dom is my husband. So we had signed up for this BDSM event. It was like a meetup type of thing. Um, you had to buy tickets for it. Um, we were really excited about it, looking forward to it. The tickets weren't cheap, but as the days started going along leading up to it, I started becoming extremely nervous. So I was freaking out about a few things. Um, I thought, what if I don't fit in um for various reasons? Like I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not young enough, I'm not some girl in my early 20s. What if I looked like a newbie because we were just starting out, we didn't know a whole lot about BDSM. I thought I would stick out like a sore thumb that people would be able to tell that we were newbies and that we would be stared at. And I also had this fear that what if we were found out? So you know we have kids, and I thought, what if someone recognizes us, or what if someone finds out that we went and we just become ashamed or made fun of? So the night before I told my husband that I just couldn't go, that I was just way too nervous and making myself sick over it, and that I just I couldn't do it. And so he was nice about it. He said, okay, that he understood, and so we we didn't go. We spent a lot of money on this, like I said, and we couldn't get a refund for our tickets, so we actually wasted a lot of money on this. And now looking back, I totally regret not going. And obviously, if that happened now, um, because me and my Dom are in a TPE total power exchange relationship, that um if that happened now, he'd probably say, tough luck, you're going anyways. Um, because he knows he knows me and he knows what's best for me. So I tell you that story because that may have happened to you too, or you may believe some of those limiting beliefs that I believed too. So today we are busting some miss. But before we begin, I want to give you something to make your journey into the world of Dom Sub Dynamics and BDSM even easier. It's my free resource library, and it includes access to dozens of BDSM resources like videos, workbooks, worksheets, guides, and you can redeem all of that for free at domsubliving.com slash free. Okay, back to myth busting. So I see so many people making ridiculous assumptions and spreading misinformation about BDSM and kink. And so today I just want to clear up some of the biggest myths and misunderstandings that people are unfortunately believing when it comes to the Dom Sum lifestyle. You might have heard one or more of these myths that I'm going to share with you. You may have seen them on the internet, or you may have even heard them from friends or even a partner. But I'm here to tell you that they're just myths, that um people use these to hold themselves back, and sometimes people use them as an excuse to never take action, kind of like I, my story and why I didn't attend that BDSM event. So let's dive right into these. So, myth number one is you must be experienced to be part of the BDSM community. So maybe you were like me and you don't want to look like a newbie. People who are starting out sometimes feel really overwhelmed by feeling like they have to have this deep understanding of BDSM, that they have to be a veteran in the lifestyle. And unfortunately, they may hear these things or see these things because there is some gatekeeping in the BDSM community. Some, you know, long-term older generation people will feel like, you know, you have to pay your dues before you can be considered, you know, a Dom or sub. But so maybe you've picked up on this, and so you feel like you can't really be in the community because you don't know all the skills yet, or you're not a pro. And I see this a lot of times with newer DOMs, that they feel really self-conscious because they think they don't know all the skills. They don't know how to do like a gazillion rope bondage ties. And so they must be like a fake or a failure, or they hear so much about fake DOMs that they're so afraid that because they're inexperienced, that they're going to be labeled as a fake DOM. But I'm here to tell you that everyone starts as a beginner, even those veterans that you see, um, those experts that you see, they all started out as a beginner too. And so, just like any new hobby or skill you learn, there is a learning curve. And so you have to start somewhere. And so just dive in. And I think too, if you're honest with your experience level and just, you know, like I said, if you're a DOM and you're worried about what your potential partners are will think, or even if you're a sub and and you're worried, you know, what your potential partners will think. I think just being honest with your skills and in your experience, and just saying, hey, I'm I'm new, but I'm open to learning more. So that is our first myth we busted. So that you must be experienced to be part of the BDSM community. So you definitely don't have to be experienced to start where you are. And myth number two is BDSM is only for a specific type of person. So this is probably the myth I hear the most, and the one that definitely held me back is people feel like you can't be in this lifestyle if you're, you know, insert whatever it is you are right here. Um, so there's as many of these excuses as there are different types of people. So people may feel like you can't be in the lifestyle if you're a certain age or if you're older. But I've also heard that you can't be in the lifestyle if you're young. I mean, but let's be real, all you need to be is a consenting adult. Um, so here in the United States, that's 18 and up. But I've heard people say, well, I'm too old, you know. I think people of any age, but I've I've noticed it's more the like retiree age of, you know, 60, 70, 80, that people think, well, I'm at that age, I I must not fit in. And that's a total myth. I've seen all different ages at different events and just living their best life. And so the other myth is that you know, you can't be bigger or you have to be a certain body type. And again, the that's that's just not true. You go to any event and you will see people of all shapes and sizes, and so you don't have to fit a certain body type. Um, you know, even a lot of times, you know, people think they have to be super skinny or they have to have the six-pack abs. But again, like that's not true. Or I've even heard that maybe you won't fit in if you're not a certain gender. So there's the stereotype that a dom-sub couple is um, you know, a dominant who's a man as in a submissive who's a woman. And that is just again, not the case. We see people of all different genders, including non-binary, being in any role that fits them, um, even same-sex couples. And so, again, it just does not matter. Um, but I think a lot of times these specific stereotypes of what we think people should and shouldn't look like, we see this a lot in the media. Um, you know, whether that's social media, like Instagram, Facebook, you know, we've all seen the you know, black and white images of what a dom-sub couple should look like. But also in bigger media like movies, 50 shades of gray, you know, Christian Gray was this ultra fit man with six-pack abs. Um, the woman, you know, she was, you know, thin and white and young. And so I think we're just fed this idea of what a Dom and a sub should be. But the reality is that the BDSM community is so diverse. Like I said again, like so many different people of different ages, different nationalities, different skin colors, different sizes. And another one that I hear a lot about is people thinking that they can't be a part of the community if they're if they have a disability, um, whether that's intellectual or physical. And again, I'm here to tell you like this is just a myth that I have seen so many different types of people. Um, just to give you an example, even something as as intricate as suspension bondage, I've even seen with people in wheelchairs. So it can be done it again, like these are just stereotypes that we have been fed and that we keep believing. So maybe you feel like you don't fit the mold, and so you feel excluded, or maybe you're excluding yourself. So just embrace your unique identity and your unique desires and know that you you do belong. So that was the second myth that BDSM is only for a specific type of person. So the third myth is that BDSM is immoral or unethical. And I hear this one a lot too, and it just makes me cringe that people will shame you or make you feel wrong for wanting to enjoy BDSM. And again, it has a lot to do with what we've been told by society that sex and relationships have to be a certain way. And if they're not this way, then they are wrong. We've been told that by our parents, our teachers, our um politicians, even. So there um a lot of people will classify BDSM as this deviant lifestyle. Um, again, going back to men, even in society, men will be afraid and say, like, I can't hit a woman. Like, what if I like it? You know, they've been told all their lives not to hit a woman. And then they go into this BDSM relationship where there is impact play. And and what if they do like it? Does that mean there's something wrong with them? Or what if they like DDLG, um daddy dom little girl dynamics and age play? Does that make someone a pedophile? And so we have all these stigmas in society that can really taint how we view the fact that we like BDSM. A huge factor in this is religion, and I'm sure I'll be sharing my own story of how I got out of a high-control religious group, but this was something that really held me back for probably the longest time out of all these myths and excuses. Um, the religion I was in in particular, um, both me and my my Dom were in this religion. The I was looking back in some of the publications of this religion we were a part of, and they actually described um bondage and sadomasochism as a perversion. They said it's a vile practice, sordid, and abhorrent. So that was the language they were using about something that I enjoyed. So you can tell that probably I had to do a lot of counseling and therapy to overcome this. Um, but yeah, religion is a huge factor. We are always told that you know, just vanilla sex is okay, just missionary position, and you're not supposed to do anything outside the box. And BDSM is hugely outside the box. It's kinky, it's taboo. So when you're a part of you know, this Puritan culture, the you know, these religions, it can be a huge emotional guilt trip. Um, because you're basically being told that what you enjoy with your body and with your partner's body, that it's making God the creator of the universe, it's making him sad because of what you're doing with another consenting adult and what you're enjoying. So there's a huge stigma with it, again, with society and politics and religion. But remember, as long as what you're doing is consensual and within legal boundaries, that BDSM is an ethically sound lifestyle. And not only that, it's actually good. Again, talking to other therapists and counselors and coaches, we see that couples who practice BDSM, they actually have stronger relationships and more sexual satisfaction. Um, and these are facts. So um, I think religion and politicians should actually be promoting BDSM, but that's just my opinion. But so again, just be sure to practice BDSM with consent, safety, and lots of communication. So those were the three big myths that are holding you back. So again, those were you must be experienced to be part of the BDSM community, and that BDSM is only for a specific type of person, and that BDSM is immoral or unethical. So again, it just really drives me crazy that so many people believe these myths and let them stop them from taking action towards their dreams. So I want you to ask yourself and be honest with yourself. Are you being held back by one of these beliefs too? Or maybe it's a belief we didn't mention or a myth we didn't mention, but be honest with yourself. Is something holding you back? Do you have a limiting belief you keep telling yourself, or that you've been told by society? Um, because like I shared in the beginning, I was guilty of it too. And now that you see these things are just common misunderstandings, I don't want you to let them stop you from becoming the best Dom or sub you can be. And to help you with this, I'd like to invite you to sign up for my free resource library that I mentioned earlier. You can grab it at Domsubliving.comslash free. It includes access to dozens of BDSM resources like videos, workbooks, worksheets, guides. And again, you can redeem all of that for free at domsubliving.com slash free. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Subliving community. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the show notes, and be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.