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What happens when one of you is kinky and the other very much isn't? Can love survive that gap, or does it slowly strain the relationship over time? Today I have a special guest episode from someone I trust deeply in this space, my good friend Amanda Dames, also known as the Kink Consultant. Amanda is a certified relationship and kink coach who helps people navigate desire differences without shame, pressure, or blowing up their relationship. In this episode, Amanda breaks down what actually works, what doesn't, and the conversations most couples avoid until it's too late. You can check out Amanda on her podcast, The Kink Consultant, or at Amandadames.com. But if you've ever felt like your desires made you too much or too different, this episode's for you. Let's listen in.

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One of the most common questions that I get every week during my ask me anything is what do you do if you're kinky and your partner is vanilla? I want people to understand just because you're kinky, it doesn't make you a freak. You're not a weirdo for being kinky. It's just a different desire. It's like, what do you do if you love cheese and your partner doesn't love cheese? Okay. You start by having a conversation about it, right? It's sort of like, okay, I want you to understand me and what I love. Equally, I want to understand you and what you love. I always recommend just because someone's not kinky, it doesn't mean they're void of any fantasy or desire. They just might have more vanilla or more romantic fantasies or desire. So I like to ask, what are your fantasies? What's something you've never explored but would like to? Or what's something you've tried in your past that you really enjoyed and you want to do again? I like to open up the conversation that way because I want to get my partner to start sharing with me. The hope is that we're already in a strong enough relationship, or like my assumption here is that you're already in a strong enough relationship to have this type of conversation because you need to have good communication in general to bring things like this up. Okay, so you start by asking your partner that. If they're not asking questions, if they're not engaging in conversation, if there's not a back and forth, I already know there's gonna be no back and forth when I bring up the vanilla kink conversation. So I don't let it get to that stage. I'm looking for green flags in the whole person, as opposed to just whether or not we might be a kinky fit together. Those are some of the things you need to look for in your relationship too, even if it's really well established and you've been dating or married for a long time. Are you in a place where you're having back and forth conversations and both contributing to the conversation? Okay, the biggest mistake I think people make when they're introducing a kink on my podcast a few weeks ago from No Shame with CJ talked about this as well. The person who is kinky has been obsessing over it or doing all the research and thinking about it for so long that they forget to do that simple step of breaking it down for a partner who is totally new to it. And I do this with my clients a lot. I help them break it down to its base form. I think that one of the things you need to do when you share your kink with someone is talk about the core desire that is being met as you explore that kink. For example, if you're into Shibari, if you're into being tied up or being the one doing the tying, it might be about a sense of control or lack thereof. Okay, so say you are being tied up in a specific position, it can make you feel really safe and secure and not worried about your surroundings. So that's a core desire you can speak to. I want to feel safe. I feel safe when I am tied up, and that is why I enjoy rope play so much. Equally, the person doing the tying might feel, I like to feel in control. I like knowing you're not going to move. And that is why I enjoy doing the tying. Think about it. That conversation would be like, I really like to be tied up in rope. And that could be the end of it because in your mind, you're very goal-oriented. You gotta step back a little bit and think, what am I trying to achieve here? I'm trying to feel safe. I'm trying to feel in control. I'm trying to feel not in control. Start there and then layer on the kink or the interest you have and how it sort of fulfills that need or goal you have, you know? So, in order to find out if your partner is open or not to exploring it, I still think it's important to share the core desire that you have and you want met and then talk about, ask them like, do you think you'd be interested in learning rope or trying it out? You're just asking them to dip their toe in the water. Here's how we can try this a little bit. Like, would you consider trying or allowing me to just tie your wrists or tie one leg to see what it feels like? And what you're hoping for is yes, that they'll say, yeah, we can try it, you know, and then you start small. If they say absolutely not, and it's the end of the conversation for them, and you're just completely shut down. I'm not gonna recommend you keep trying to have the conversation because you're going to end up in a cyclical, like in a loop of just like, okay, rejection, let me try again, let me try again, hoping for a different result. That is 100% one of the times I'd recommend you reach out to a couple's therapist, or that's when I recommend you reach out to a sex and relationship coach, someone who understands that desires don't always match up and how to help progress these conversations between a couple. So, what happens if you do finally introduce this and your partner shuts it down immediately? How do you handle that? You're gonna have to sit with that for a second. I would not recommend being reactive or going in on them. Your gut reaction might be, well, I'm gonna attack them for making me feel this way. I'm gonna tell them how wrong they are for shaming me about my kinks. And even though that might feel really good in the moment, what you need to do is sort of retreat. I want you to take care of yourself in that moment and tell yourself, my partner said these things, but that is not true for me. I am a whole person. I just have this kink and there is nothing wrong with it. Give yourself the aftercare you deserve from being in that experience. Work on healing from it, and then go back to the table and have a conversation with your partner about how maybe even this isn't for you. It's something that's really important to me, and I would like for you to understand that this is something that I am going through or thinking about right now. I'd like to have a conversation about it. So, yes, you can try and have that conversation again, but you have to approach it from a healed place. And these conversations are difficult. So if you need a little bit more help, I'm gonna give you a few tips of how to approach these conversations. So, as I said, my number one thing is always lead with curiosity. Number two, break it down. Break it down to its base form so you're helping your partner understand the needs behind it. Number three, I need you to start saying on a regular basis, for me, this is how it appears, this is how it feels. Because you can't speak for everybody. You have to say, for me, this is what I need, this is what's important to me. Understand that when your partner's talking, give them the same empathy or grace that when they're talking, even though they might not be using the phrase, what their meaning is for me, right? Because that's the only person they do have domain and authority over to have to represent in these conversations. So get in the habit of saying for me. If you don't understand something, or if your partner says something that might offend you or bristle a little bit when you hear it, I'd encourage you to go in and dig a little bit deeper. Say, what do you mean by that? Or when you say that, I hear this, and then tell them what you're hearing or what is going on in your brain that makes you bristle or sort of brace for impact with what they've said. Tell them when you said that, I heard this, and I want to know, is that how you meant it? Because honestly, nine times out of ten, that's not usually how they meant it. There's something going on for me at least in my own brain or in my body, and I'm having a reaction from something that happened before, and I'm layering that on. I'm projecting on what they said. So when I say, when you said that, for me, what I heard was when you said you don't like spanking or you think spanking's gross, for me, what I heard is you think I'm gross for wanting it. Is that what you mean? And then they might say, no, I just hated getting spanked as a kid. So it's gross. And they don't mean you're gross for wanting it, just that for them, spanking as a whole feels gross. Something I've been guilty of in the past is making my partner feel like they weren't enough because they shared my desire. This was especially true when I first started exploring my kinks, and maybe they weren't into it as much or they were trying, but it wasn't at the level I needed. And I think I played a part in doing some damage to the relationship by making them feel like they weren't stepping up to the plate enough and not recognizing how hard they were trying. That's why this conversation is sometimes so tough for me because I'm faced with the mistakes I made in my previous relationships and how I had to overcome them or work through them with partners. Now, in hindsight, I'm glad I had those experiences so I can help other people avoid them or work their way out of them a little bit faster. Lead with gratitude. It's something a lot of you have heard me say because I always want your partner. I've even included in the worksheet, which you need to check out in the show notes. Lead with gratitude. Be thankful that they're showing up for the conversation. Be grateful and thankful that you're able to express your own needs. And I think when you lead with gratitude, it sets you up for a stronger conversation with your partner. Appreciation is a habit. It's a muscle, I think, that you need to work on. So if you lead with gratitude, you're working on that muscle. You become the type of person who sees the silver linings. You become the type of person who starts to appreciate, I see the effort you're doing. Speak out what you see them doing for you. Okay. So start with that. Be like, I see how much work you've done, how much research you've done, if they have, and that makes me feel really good and cared about, you know? So start acknowledging their milestones, how they've been making you feel. Because when you start leading with encouragement like that, it's gonna make them feel better about the work they've done as well. And they're gonna think, like, wow, I've been recognized for that. Let me do a little bit more of it. Confidence in the role of Dom or sub is something that a lot of people struggle with. During trying to tap into their sub energy and really be in that submissive space, might not always feel natural, even for people who consider themselves 100% submissive. Same thing for the Dom. I've heard that a lot from Dominants before, especially if there's a lot going on in their life. They have trouble sort of stepping into the role. There's a lot of imposter syndrome on both sides, actually, the DOM and subside. So, how do you handle when your partner might be interested and willing to try but feeling really unsure? I think you go through the journey with them in lockstep. Find an educational resource together and learn together. Figure it out, talk about what you're learning. Just because you're the one who wants to maybe be tied up doesn't mean you can't learn how to do the tying with them. So you can practice and talk about it, maybe try on each other so that you both know what it feels like. I think this is especially true, and I like to use the rope example for it, because if you're just tying someone up, you may never know what it feels like for yourself. So exploring it together could be helpful so you understand what it feels like on you and you know the experience you're giving the other person. You might not get the same rush or thrill from it, but physically you might be able to understand what they're going through. If your partner's not feeling confident, that's an area where you have the opportunity to step up and step in and help build their confidence in it. Pet peeve of mine is when I hear people say, Well, I don't want to train someone, I just want to find someone. At the end of the day, we're always training people how to treat us. In healthy relationships, we're speaking our boundaries and explaining them to the other person. So this is just an extension of that. And yes, it does sound ideal and like a wonderful fantasy for someone to be able to just step in and know exactly what we want or have done it a thousand times before and be an expert. That's not the reality of it. It's important to get real about how much we might need to teach our partner about what we're interested in. Can a vanilla and kinky relationship survive long term? If you're genuinely kinky and this is something you need and you're with a vanilla partner, it's not gonna work. You are going to break up eventually. You might be able to spend three years exploring it separately, unless you have a poly dynamic. Like if you're in a monogamous relationship and they're like, Yeah, you can find play partners where you decide to open it up. And if you're a monogamous person who wants kink, you're not gonna be able to find this elsewhere. That's my issue. I'm monogamous and I'm looking for one person to fulfill all of these things, and I've ended up in two long-term relationships where I was with someone who didn't fulfill them and it didn't work. And as much as I'd love to say that my story is an anomaly, the more I speak to people and I do this for a living, the more I see couples who are unable to get past this. If one person's not willing to give up their kink or not explore it, and those people are committed to a monogamous relationship, it eventually eats away at the person, their kink, so that they don't explore it deeper. There's this quote from a book I read once. It was a kinky fiction book. The quote was a fetish is pet you feed or the beast that eats you. If you don't do it, it's going to consume you. And I experienced that with spanking. Like I really need a good punishment spanking from time to time. Take me over your knee, spank me, and scold me. If I don't have that, it becomes all I think about. I also jokingly compare it to when I go on a diet. I could go three days without eating a single piece of chocolate. As soon as chocolate is off the table and it's like you're on a diet right now, all I think about is chocolate. That's what it can be like when you're kinky. So if your partner is saying no chocolate for you for the rest of your life, all you think about is how you will never have chocolate again. You think about ways like, okay, well, how am I gonna sneak this in? How can I indulge this without them knowing? You know, and if that's not part of the dynamic you're in, it starts to erode your commitment and your partner's commitment to the relationship. You can't hide things like this in a monogamous relationship. And even if you can, and I'm not against people hiding things, it just doesn't allow you to be the most authentic version of yourself. And I think that that starts to show. If the kinky partner isn't so kinky that they need it, yes, it can survive. But if it moves into the place where their kink is a need and they are obsessing over it and they can't stop thinking about it, yes, the relationship can survive. My question is, can you survive in the relationship? And that's the question you need to ask yourself. And of course, the hope is yes, we all want you to survive in the relationship, but more than that, I want you to live authentically. I want you to be happy in and out of your relationship. So I want you to think, is this the right thing for me? If you decide staying in the relationship is more important than exploring your kink, I would highly recommend hiring a relationship coach to talk through your desires, to learn to sit with the disappointment of not having your needs met and to create some coping mechanisms for it because this is not something you can just bury for most people. And at the end of the day, every relationship is unique. A vanilla kinky match can have lifelong happiness and last forever. So, yeah, I've given a lot of examples of what can and can't work, and these are just of the examples I know. There are thousands of people who are able to navigate the balance of one kinky and one vanilla partner, right? In the same way people navigate someone who has a high sex drive versus a low sex drive. We find ways to make our relationships work, and I think the important thing is to continue to have the commitment to making the relationship work. Whether that's introducing your kinks, not having your kinks, the communication and figuring out what works for you and your partner is the most important thing.

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Wow. One thing I really appreciate about Amanda's approach is how clearly she says that this isn't about convincing a partner to change or shaming yourself for wanting what you want, but it's about honest conversations and shared language and deciding what's actually sustainable for both people. If this episode helped you feel less alone or gave you a clearer way to talk about desire differences in your relationship, I highly recommend that you check out Amanda's podcast, The Kink Consultant. She goes deeper into this work with a lot of clarity and compassion. You can find her on any podcast app or learn more at amandadames.com. I'll also share all her links in the show notes. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dawn Sub Living.