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If 24-7 DS sounds either impossible or honestly kind of extreme, you're not wrong. Most people don't want to jump that far. I'm Alessandra from Dom Subliving, and this episode is about the in-between phases that people skip when they think 24-7 total power exchange is all or nothing. Welcome to the Dom Subliving podcast. Today I'm going to be sharing the exact steps we took to build a 24-7 total power exchange relationship. Because you may have been listening to that episode I did with Jay where I interviewed him, and you may be thinking, like, well, how did we, you know, get to where we are today? Um, and if you don't know what TPE or Total Power Exchange Relationships is, it's a relationship dynamic where the DOM has full control over basically all aspects of the submissive's life. Um, so this involves things in and out of the bedroom, too. It's basically, you know, 24-7 all the time that the sub has consented and agreed to give up all of their power. So that is the dynamic that Jay and I have now, but it didn't always used to be that way. And I wanted to talk about the steps we took to get here because I hear a lot of my followers tell me, you know, they'll say, yeah, it's easy for you guys, you're already a BDSM expert. Or they'll say, Yeah, of course you can say just to do X, Y, and Z, you're already in a TPE relationship and have been for years. And so we've kind of been, you know, hearing that so long over the years. Or I even have people at the other end of the spectrum that maybe they don't want to be 24-7 or TPE because they think that's just going way too far. Like they can't even imagine being that far. And they just want to stay bedroom only at this point in their journey. So, this episode is going to be all about breaking down the steps that you need to go through and that me and my dom went through to get to that 24-7 TPE relationship and kind of demystifying that progression from vanilla and bedroom-only kink. So let's dive into these steps. So I would say that the first step we did, um, again, this is kind of what a lot of people do, is we just took in as much information as possible in the beginning. We read anything we can get our hands on at that point. We were researching all about BDSM on the internet and in books. And if you're in my DOM sub training course, I have like a recommended list of, you know, different sites and books that I recommend to. But we just basically were chomping at the bit for anything we can get our hands on. And we talked a lot too. Like we would talk through the middle of the night just about what we wanted, what we thought, just how excited we were. Um, we were kind of, you know, like I've said before, that we were always really, really kinky. But learning about BDSM in particular and Dom sub relationships, it was just totally this eye-opening concept that we could not get enough of. And we're still doing these things like at every stage of the journey that I'll be talking about. So it it progressed to learning through books and online to then taking classes and going to in-person events. And even today, like we're still learning now. You know, you should always be a student of BDSM and learning from others. And we still do that too. But definitely in the beginning, like we were like addicts for this stuff. Like we were just sharing with each other everything we learned. Um, and we were just like a kid in the candy store buying as many toys as we could, and just, you know, filling up our toy box and and learning so much about all of the different kinks and what we wanted. So then that kind of led into like the second step of our journey is just deciding exactly what we wanted. So we in the beginning had taken in so much information, and now we were kind of like whittling it down and curating it to what we actually wanted. So we figured out what our actual roles were gonna be. Like, obviously, um, I've shared this before, like, I've always been a bottom, Jay's always been a top, and we knew that he would be the Dom, I would be the sub. But just really learning like what type of Dom he was and what type of sub I was. And so we have evolved this over the years, I would say, but um we are definitely dominant and submissive, but we also have aspects of Daddy Dom and Little Girl, and also master slave too. So um, and those were, you know, things we had to fine-tune over the years. But um, at that second stage was when we really started like getting comfortable with those roles and picking honorifics in what we like to be called. I had always called him daddy, pretty much our whole relationship. And he would call me baby girl, but um, we started, you know, or I started like throwing in sir and and leaning into that and seeing how that felt too. Um, and definitely um developing more of the age play, but like I said, also the the hardcore master slave stuff too. And then we we decided, okay, do we want this bedroom only, or do we want to have this dynamic bleed through into the rest of our daily lives? And so at this point in our journey, we did decide, like, yes, we want this, you know, not full-time at this point, but we definitely wanted it to be outside the bedroom. Like we almost kind of saw it as foreplay for the bedroom that it really got us into that mindset in, you know, that zone. And but we definitely didn't want this. We wanted it outside the bedroom as well. And so we agreed upon that and kind of, you know, talked about what that could look like. So again, at this stage, it's still a just, you know, a lot of talking. And you know, I always tell people like BDSM, people think BDSM is like all about whips and change and chains, and it's like majority is like talking. But um, another thing we discussed is what kinks we liked, what we didn't like. Like I said, we, you know, we're pretty much already kinky and had done a lot, but now we started doing more of like things that would be labeled BDSM, like rope bondage, um, using more of the, you know, stereotypical BDSM stuff like floggers and things like that. Um, but so, and then just again learning, you know, what kinks we like. You know, I won't go into all of them, but um definitely, you know, we learned that we both are really into age play and then how that can manifest itself. Um and then just different, you know, sexual kinks as well. And so, of course, that led to us developing our hard and soft limits, um, the things that I won't do and he won't do, and the things that are kind of a boundary, but it depends on the situation. And um, so those would be my soft limits, and then picking our safe words. And so our safe words that we determined, and that actually we've we've pretty much kept over the years, is red and yellow. So red when we're either of us is completely at our limit and everything needs to stop, or yellow when we're approaching our limit. And so we either just need to kind of put that out there as a warning or um or as a signpost, I guess you would say, um, or that things need to like switch direction or slow down. And then another um safe word that we used and we've haven't used as much anymore, is I would use his middle name. And um that seemed to work too, um, because we had used that well when we were just kinky, before we did like actual formal BDSM, like we knew the importance of like having some type of safe word. So before we had something formal, I was just using his middle name. Because to be honest, we were doing a lot of consensual non-consent, even before like we knew it was consensual non-consent. Like that's been one of my kinks for like the longest time. And we were doing it before it was cool. So um, yeah, those were how our safe words were. Um and so yeah, the red and yellow is what we decided and and what we use now, even to this day. Um, and then at that stage two, we just kind of talked about general rules and punishments that we wanted, um, what punishments would look like, what um, you know, both physical punishments and like behavioral punishments, and just, you know, kind of bedroom rules and outside the bedroom rules, but nothing too like drastic at this point. It was just kind of like a handful of things. And so, you know, at this stage, we were, like I said, taking in a ton of information, doing a lot of talking, kind of just deciding what we wanted, doing kinks and figuring out our limits, figuring out punishments and rules. And this is actually where I see a lot of people stop that they don't want to go farther and they just think, I'm gonna just, you know, learn about BDSM, practice BDSM, do it mostly bedroom only, maybe throw in a handful of outside the bedroom roles, and we'll call it good. And it never really progresses, and and so you never really grow in your role. And so if that's you, if you're feeling called out right now, um, I hope sharing these other steps will kind of motivate you to progress even farther. So the third step that we did is we created a contract, a written contract. And I know you're probably thinking at this point, like, oh my gosh, that is so boring. Like, that is so old school. That is like, ew, no, I'm not creating a contract. But honestly, this is where I see a lot of relationships fail. And this is like when I am working with my students and my clients who are struggling, even if they're single or they are in a relationship, and you know, they're coming to me, they're telling me their issues and their problems, and they're really struggling. And I ask them, like, do you have a contract? And like 99% of the time they'll say no. And people think they don't need one, but then they wonder why, like, they're struggling, or you know, and like I said, like, even if you're single, having a contract is so, so good because it's putting all of your goals, everything you want, everything about your role, and even your partner's role or your potential partner's role, and it's putting it in this written format. So it's like setting an intention for what you want. And it is more likely to happen and you stick with it if you write it down and you make it something formal like that. So I really encourage you to create a contract. Um, it's been like proven that even with vanilla counselors and therapists, that they will say, you know, a marriage should have a written contract because you have two people who are completely different wanting two different things. This is a way for you to stay on the same page and have that commitment. And plus, like, maybe it's just me, but like writing something down and talking about it, and it's just pretty dang sexy. Like it kind of gets you in the mood just writing about those things and talking about those things. And so, me and my Dom, we like to revisit our contract about once a quarter. Um, that's something I recommend too. Because if you just write it down and then you like put it away, it's kind of out of sight, out of mind, and then it will just fade away. Kind of like how New Year's resolutions just kind of fade away because it's not top of mind. But if you have this contract and you know, once a quarter or you know, even you know, once a year at the, you know, at the least, that it'll be fresh in your mind. If there's anything that needs to be changed, you can change it. And it's just a great way to keep your dynamic at the forefront. And again, like I said, even if you're single, this is a great way to put down in writing what your role is, you know, if you want to be a DOM or a sub or a switch and what that means to you, you know, your daily habits, your weekly habits, your monthly habits, you can put all in there. You can put what you're looking for in a potential partner, all of those things. And it's just more likely to happen if you write it down, put it out there into the universe, you know, if you're into woo-woo stuff. But um, yeah, it's it's something that if if you have been struggling and you're wondering why, either create a contract if you haven't already, or take your contract out and revise it and revisit it. And I know creating a contract can be overwhelming. There's a lot you need to get right, and people make a lot of mistakes with their contract. So I have a free printable contract template, and it is super easy to use and it doesn't leave anything out. And you can grab it at domsubliving.comslash contract. My Dom and I have used it for our contracts. So again, you can grab your free printable contract template at dom subliving.com slash contract. Before the fourth step on our 24-7 total power exchange journey, is we started doing in the beginning, we started doing daily check-ins, and then we kind of moved to what we do now, which is weekly check-ins. We still kind of do a very small daily check-in, but it's mostly weekly check-ins at this point. And so if you don't know what a check-in is as a DOM subcouple, so a check-in is a set time where you both know, like this is your planned time to talk about the relationship, talk about your needs and wants, and especially for the submissive, to be able to speak freely and not worry am I being disobedient? Am I not being submissive enough by sharing these things? So it's a way to really talk freely for both the Dom and the sub and to see how things are going. So you can re-evaluate things, you can change things, and also celebrate. I think a lot of people kind of skip this step, but like we always try to start our check-ins by saying like our wins and like what we really like that day or what we really like that week. And that kind of just sets the tone for the check-in. It's not a time to like, you know, bring out your list of grievances and, you know, belittle the other person and just be like, wow, I got that all off my chest. I feel so much better. That's not what a check-in is for. It's to be a team and to discuss how we can improve as a dynamic. Um, so how we do our check-ins is um, like I said, in the beginning, it was daily, and we still do like a mini daily where I'll kneel at night and he'll kind of ask me how my day was, um, you know, what I liked about the day. He'll share what he liked, and we'll kind of talk about it, like if we had any challenges and how we can, you know, better course correct for the next day. Um, that way we're nipping things in the bud. And then weekly is more formal, where you know, we'll sit down and, you know, he'll let me know, you know, this is our check-in. You have permission to speak freely. And again, we, you know, talk about what went good during the week, but we also talk about what didn't go good during the week, what we'd like to see more of, what what struggles we had, and how we can better support each other too. And then what so we'll kind of like make a plan for the following week. And so this way we nip problems in the bud, like I said, and things don't snowball into creating bigger issues. If there's something we maybe didn't address, like maybe I thought he was slipping in his role for you know, a certain part of his role, and we didn't talk about that for weeks, maybe even months, then the resentment would build. You know, he would, you know, keep doing whatever it was he was doing and not knowing it's an issue, and then it would become a habit in him and would be, you know, harder for him to break. And the same with me, if he, you know, just saw, oh, she's been topping from the bottom in this area, but he never tells me I'm just gonna keep doing it, and then it's just gonna be harder for me to stop. So that was something we have implemented is the check-ins, and it's just really helped us to progress and grow immensely. And again, talking about how like we see our relationship growing and evolving and talking, and that's like when we decided we wanted to be TPE was during one of these check-ins. And so if you're not doing a check-in already, I highly, highly recommend it. And then for our fifth step, we created a schedule. So we started becoming more like intentional about what we were doing. That's we started like developing specific rituals, um, you know, morning rituals, nightly rituals, rituals during the day when he would come home from work, um, rituals that I would do even solo. And I have a whole blog article on rituals that you can check out too um on my website. And along with our schedule, we started being more intentional, intentional about our scenes. And so making sure that we were having a weekly scene, you know. Of course, we're doing things, you know, on the fly as he wants to, as I want to, but knowing that we have like a formal scene on the weekends has been really, really helpful. Um, also adding like maintenance bankings and things like that. Um, and just creating daily habits that we would do as a Dom and sub, you know, both on our own and and as a couple, having weekly habits. Um, so we just kept adding more and more aspects of BDSM and being DS into our lives. Into our power exchange until um it got to the point where he was just basically controlling everything. And even the things that he wasn't like completely, you know, 100% doing, he was still in control of it and delegating it to me. So, for example, like like bills, doing the bills, doing the finances. So that is something that um, because this is something we've consented to and all that, um, he is in charge of the finances. But, you know, as a total power exchange dom in our relationship, he is in charge 100% of the finances, but he also has the power to delegate aspects of that to me. And so one of those is like me doing the bills. And so, even though I'm the one doing the bills, it's still him the one who has the control of it. And he can take away that task from me at any time because he has the control. I always get weirded out at this point because when I start talking though about the specific things that we're doing, I'm always like, this sounds on the surface like such an abusive relationship. But I know that if you're listening to this, you are into BDSM or DOM sub relationships. And so um, hopefully we're all on the same page. You know, this is consenting. Um, but yeah, I always think like, how does this sound to like a vanilla person right now? They must think I am like so brainwashed, but yeah, everything is consenting. And honestly, we kind of have this joke where I say, like, on the outside, like I know I'm like, we're doing good as a Dom Sum couple when like on the outside it looks like an abusive relationship. But um, and that's that's just me and and the level of control that I want because like I said, we're a total power exchange. And I know we don't look like we're, you know, doing, you know, an abusive relationship because everyone sees how happy I am and how truly happy, you know, it's not a fake smile that I'm truly happy. So that was just a joke. Nobody at me. But yeah, we just kept adding more and more aspects of you know, control and this power exchange into our relationship till pretty much he was just controlling everything. So during one of our check-ins, I think it was him that said, like, how about we just pretty much just go cold turkey and just say from here on out, like we're total total power exchange. And he said, you know, I control everything, and we'll still have our weekly check-ins where you can speak freely. But um, yeah, let's just from this point onward decide this is how we're gonna be. And so anything I do, he can have full control to tell me, yes or no, I can't do that. Um, I know what I have to ask permission for and what has what decisions have been delegated to me. Um, because I hear people who have like these extreme views and basically miss about total power exchange relationships, where they think, like, I can't breathe unless he tells me take a breath. I can't go to the bathroom unless he tells me to go to the bathroom. And yes, total power exchange can have those elements, but it's if he wants to, because he has that total power exchange. Because we have been on vacations before where it's just me and him, and we're just in a hotel room. And he will say, like, I want you on this trip to have to ask permission every time you go to the bathroom. And I do it because he's my dom and I have given up all control to him. And then when we're home, he says, Okay, you can have that responsibility back and you know, do it on your own and not have to ask permission. So again, he is still the one controlling. I eat what I want to, but I tell him what I ate. And um it's just basically how he wants the dynamic to be. But again, I have those check-ins, so I know I always have a voice too. But so at one point, yeah, we just did decide to go cold turkey because we were basically already doing it, anyways. It was just instead of adding little things here and there, it was okay, let's just do it all at this point. So the last step we did is we basically put it all in a system we can track because at this stage in our journey, we had to basically create our own system for managing this dynamic. And we pretty much developed that into what is now our DOM sim training course. And I'll share a link to that in the show notes if you're interested. Um, it kind of takes you through the step-by-step process. But we basically, you know, started writing all these things down, having a way to keep track of it, keeping because it is a lot to keep track of, you know, all our rituals and our rules and our check-ins and all these things. It we found a way to just kind of package it and like, you know, so that we can keep track of it and stay on track and not get into that vanilla rut where it's stop and start, stop and start. Like that's the thing that frustrates me the most when couples do this, is they don't keep the momentum going because they're not going through these steps and they're not keeping track, they're not course correcting. And so they get into the vanilla rut and then they go through the cycle again. So um, yeah, we just basically had to kind of systematize what we were doing. So that way it takes the stress off of it because it, I mean, it sounds kind of nerdy when you're talking about it, but it it has its benefits because then it is like off your mind. You're not stressing about it, and you can just enjoy the lifestyle and enjoy the kink, enjoy your scenes, enjoy your dynamic, enjoy your punishments and all the fun that goes into BDSM. Because come on, this is why we all got into this lifestyle, is because it's supposed to be fun. So if it's not fun anymore, I'm sorry, but you're doing it wrong. So definitely create a system that makes it easy for you and makes it hands off so you just get in that flow. But yeah, those were the different stages of our progression from basically vanilla and bedroom-only kink to a 24-7 total power exchange relationship that we have now. So hopefully I made it seem a little more doable by breaking it down like that because you don't go from zero to a hundred overnight. And remember, I don't want you to get stuck. So I have that free printable contract template. It is super easy to use and it doesn't leave anything out. And you can grab it at DomSubliving.com slash contract. It's the contract my Dom and I have used. So again, you can grab your free printable contract template at Domsubliving.com slash contract. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Subliving community. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the show notes, and be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.