SPEAKER_00 0:00

If you've ever thought I want a dumps of dynamic, but I don't know how to trust someone for myself, then this conversation is for you. Today you'll hear from two of my actual students who didn't have it all figured out. They're David and Dana, a couple in my All Nexus Tennis program, and they struggled with control, confidence, and communication, just like most people do. I'm Alessandra from Dom Sub Living, and this is what real growth inside a DS relationship actually looks like. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living podcast. So welcome, David and Dana. It's so nice to have you here.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

Thank you. Thank you. It's nice being here.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

And so just to kick off our interview, um, David, we'll start with you. So why don't you begin by just um giving us kind of like an overview of your journey and how you got started with the Dom sub lifestyle?

SPEAKER_03 0:57

Well, I've always wanted to do this type of thing. And Dana's done it before, and she kind of brought me into it. So I've been doing a lot of research to um to learn everything I can about it to be a good Dom for.

SPEAKER_00 1:14

Yeah, that's that's commendable too. When sometimes it can be, you know, the opposite, and that's okay, where it, you know, this missive kind of you know brings up everything and has this long list of things that they want. So it's really good seeing you take the initiative and that um to be, you know, the Dom that she wants you to be and that you want to become for her. Um and then so Dana, um, what were some of the the mindset hurdles that you had to overcome on your journey as a submissive?

SPEAKER_01 1:49

Uh well, the first time it was just learning to give up control. So I was always the one in control. I was always, you know, on my own. So I was like, okay, everything's my way. And when I was introduced to it, it was okay, now I have to give it up. And when I did gave it up, I was just like, wow, it's kind of refreshing. So giving up control was like the biggest one I had, and then the trust. Um I'd been hurt really bad in past relationships where trust was just broken, and I had a hard time trusting anybody. Um negativity about myself, you know. It was I grew up, you know, always the bigger kid. And I, you know, and it's there are times I get on myself, and you know, having Dave, it's he's encouraging, he's uplifting, it's you know, no more negativity about yourself. So and then being a self, it just kind of everything just kind of falls in line. It helps put me in that better mindset.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

Yeah, I can see that, you know, and it's you know, especially like you shared, and thank you for sharing that about you know coming from other past relationships where maybe you didn't get that trust, and maybe you did try to give up control, but then it just, you know, you got hurt, like you said. Um, and I I love how David, you don't let her get away with the the negative self-talk. I think that's so good. That's something my Dom does too when I get in one of those ruts. He'll he'll say, like, you're not allowed to talk about my property that way. And and he'll he'll make me say like three good things about myself. So yeah, we definitely need our DOMs, you know, helping us when we get those different mindset gremlins. So that's that's good. And then what about for you, David? Like, what were some of the mindset hurdles that you had to overcome on your journey as a DOM?

SPEAKER_03 4:00

Um, to go against the norms of what how everything is supposed to be like you're supposed to be totally nice to your woman, not say anything to them and treat them like princesses. But I've learned that it's kind of fun to treat her a little rough every once in a while.

SPEAKER_00 4:24

There's definitely fun in that.

SPEAKER_03 4:30

And I had to um learn how to be in total control again, too, because my last relationship I kind of lost myself and I had to find myself again, and Dana's helped me with that.

SPEAKER_00 4:46

Yeah, there's definitely trust on on both parts, especially I think when the the the man is the dom because like you said, there's so much, you know, that you're you're told that you have to, you know, treat your you know, your wife or your girlfriend so delicately. You can't be uh, you know, toxic masculinity, you know, never hit a woman and hear, you know, you're doing BDSM and impact play. It's like kind of goes against all the things you've been ingrained. So um, yeah, I can definitely, I can definitely see that. Um and then um maybe um David, you can go into maybe just some of the the best tips you found along the way for mastering your mindset as a DOM.

SPEAKER_03 5:36

Uh knowing that you're in control of things and responsible for her safety and well-being is all on your hands, it's actually a great feeling.

SPEAKER_00 5:51

Yeah, I can see that.

SPEAKER_03 5:54

And I've actually learned a lot about it through the Dom subtraining course, too. So it really made things easier on me.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

That's good. That's good to hear. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 6:05

He's always coming home or at night when I get off of work. I learned this today, and we'll talk about it. So he's very excited about it. I'm I'm happy for him.

SPEAKER_00 6:16

So that's good. And and you mentioned, David, that you, you know taking care of her safety and well-being is so important for you. So can you maybe just share like maybe a you know, one or two practical ways that like you make sure that you're looking after her safety or or her well-being, so we can just kind of see what this looks like in practice?

SPEAKER_03 6:40

I make sure that we have the safe word. So if she doesn't, so if I hit too hard or anything, she'll let me know. And if some or if the something's too tight, she will definitely let me know, and I will stop and loosen it up, or and if she does, and if she says to stop, I'll go ahead and stop completely.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

That's good, that's good. And and Dana, um, are you are you like comfortable now in in this new relationship, being able to like speak up when when you need to, when you either safe word or to say, hey, this isn't working for me, because I know you said like being in past relationships, there wasn't a lot of that communication and trust.

SPEAKER_01 7:29

Right. So him, even though he's he's learning and he's like brand new tools, it's not he's very receptive to anything I say. Like you know, there's really something he wants to try, but I'm very uncomfortable with it, you know, we'll gradually go forward. Um, but if it's something that I really don't want to do, he's he's all for it. You know, it's he's very easy to talk to, he's very open-minded with it. Um so it's great, you know. Um I love the fact that he found this uh the training course, and he's had me go on it and I've learned a lot, and you know, it's been a great thing for the both of us. Yeah. So what would you do that pleasure pain the pain could be that pleasurable?

SPEAKER_00 8:21

Yeah. Definitely. It is, and so um, you know, so I take it you're then the masochist, then you enjoy the pain.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

Not really, no. Some of it, yes, but not too much of it.

SPEAKER_00 8:38

Yeah, it's definitely not for everyone, but sometimes like when you find the one things that you do like and and the intensity that you like, you know, you can you know just play around with it. And and that's the good thing about kink is that it's so diverse and there's so many different kinks. And with each kink, you can do them in different intensity. So it's just so much to explore. Like, you know, me and my Dom had been doing this for years, and we're still exploring different ways to do things, different combinations too. So, you know, it always definitely keeps us both on our toes. But um, so Dana, what would you say are just some of the the biggest tips for you for mastering your mindset as a sub?

SPEAKER_01 9:24

Honestly, mine is the trust. Um, I mean, trust and communication go together, but mine is trust because I have to be able to trust him completely. You know, so if I if there's a doubt of any trust, you know, then it's just not gonna work. Because I gotta be able to trust him that he can read my body language when it's too much, or that I know if I say, you know, a safe word or hey, stop, stop, stop, he's going to stop. Um and then if it's you know, if it's not, you know, a safe word, and if I say stop, then we we stop and talk about okay, well, what can we do differently?

SPEAKER_00 10:04

Yeah. That's that's thanks for sharing that. Because that's so important to after a scene to to not just be like, well, that didn't work, I guess we can never do that again, but just talking about, well, why did it happen? What were the aspects I didn't like about it, and what could we maybe change or explore differently, or what should we do the next time we kind of run into this thing where, you know, one of us doesn't like it, you know. So it's so good having conversations like that. I bet like for both of you, BDSM and kink is probably a lot different than you imagined coming into it. You know, a lot of people come into it with these, you know, kind of like the Fifty Shades of Gray, where it's you know all about BDSM play and you know, whips and change and all that. And then you realize like the majority of what you're doing is like talking and communicating and working on trust. So it's like, have you found that for yourself? It's kind of a lot different than you started with.

SPEAKER_03 11:00

Oh, definitely, because um 50 Shades of Grey is actually the movie that made me want to start looking into it. So it's funny you brought that up.

SPEAKER_01 11:09

Uh he he had never watched it before, and I've you know, obviously watched it. He was like, Oh, well, it's not just beating the crap out of somebody. I'm like, no, it's not. He's like, Oh, well, I want to learn more about this, I'm gonna try this, and that's kind of where it started.

SPEAKER_00 11:27

Yeah, and that's that's a good thing. I mean, so many people will will bash that movie, but I'm always like, it's actually not that bad because it did get a lot of people interested in it, and then they're able to learn about it and educate themselves. And you know, now you're both here and you know, you're in the Domes of Living Community and you know, learning even more. So, you know, yeah, but I'm I'm sure you know what you envisioned things were gonna be like are completely different than you know the the reality though, but um you're able to to make it your own, and that's like one of the beautiful things about it.

SPEAKER_03 12:08

Yeah, it's like having just a regular relationship with just a little little kink to it. It's no big thing.

SPEAKER_00 12:16

Or a lot of kink, would if you really or a lot of kink, yeah, whichever one. You can go back and fold too. Yeah, so and then um and then Dana, um let me see. I think I asked that one. But what would you say uh Dana, what would you say is like the the key action step that everyone can take to improve their DOM sub dynamic? Like if you had to give people advice, what do you think the the key thing that they should do?

SPEAKER_01 12:55

Honestly, just be honest with each other, you know, open up. Trust is the biggest thing with me, and I know I've said it a couple times, but you gotta be open-minded, you gotta you know, trust one another. You um learn as much as you can. I mean, especially about one another. I know some people that do it just for fun, but you know, like we're in a relationship, we have to know everything. And I know how to push his buttons when I'm in the bratty phase, and he knows it, and you know, we we do and to have fun, yeah. It's like the biggest thing is have fun with one another.

SPEAKER_00 13:37

Yeah, yeah, definitely. And I I think you're so true that like the the honesty really has to be there because when you think about it, you know, the stuff we're doing, we're like literally putting our lives in each other's hands, you know, especially, you know, when you start doing even you know hardercore things, but like hardcore things, but even the softer things with rope and stuff, something can go wrong, you know. So you really have to trust this partner and be totally honest with them about what's going on, what you're feeling. Um, so yeah, you have to be completely safe in and out of the the bedroom and you know have that level of trust with your your partner. And is it true, David? Can she be a brat?

SPEAKER_03 14:23

Yes, she can be a big brat. I usually um do a good job of taming the brat though.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

It's no big it doesn't need to be tamed, she's just fine. I yeah, I don't think she's a brat.

SPEAKER_03 14:38

You haven't seen her. She's being good right now.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

Well, that's your training. You've got good training. Um, and then so David, you know, I'll ask you that question too. So, what would you say is like the the key action stage action step everyone can take to improve their dynamic?

SPEAKER_03 14:59

I think communication is one of the biggest. We communicate about everything. We make sure that nothing is um basically nothing is open. We we talk about everything. Do you have a like and negotiating every what we're gonna do, what we don't like, what we do like? It's we we talk about everything.

SPEAKER_00 15:26

Do you have like set times you communicate, or is it just when something comes up, or is it like end of the day, end of the week, or before scene, after scene? So, like what is like your communication style kind of?

SPEAKER_03 15:41

Usually at the end of the day. When we both get together and after work and everything, we we'll talk a lot and then we'll have some fun.

SPEAKER_00 15:52

No, that's good. You know, especially after a long day at work and you need to decompress, it's it's good to just get everything off your chest and and then like you said, go go have some fun and and get all the the stress from the day out there that way too. So so that's good. And then um, like I said, I know you're both really active in our Dom's of Living community. You're always posting and responding to others, and I really appreciate that so much. But so is it okay if um when people are watching this, is it okay if they're able to reach out to you and connect with you there? Because I'm sure so many people are you know going to be listening to your story and just be really inspired and want to pick your brain too.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 16:41

Oh, definitely. I'm always open to open to questions and also I can we can probably learn from each other. That would be great.

SPEAKER_00 16:50

Yeah, that's why I love the community so much because people are just so diverse. You know, it's some people are bedroom only, some people are single, some people have a partner they've you know been vanilla with for so long, and now they're just turning to kink, um, you know, people from all around the world. So um yeah, I I just really love having you both in the community too. It's it's definitely um just really added to the conversations, and I really appreciate it.

SPEAKER_02 17:21

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 17:22

It's been great.

SPEAKER_00 17:23

Wow. I hope you enjoyed that conversation with David and Dana as much as I did. I'm genuinely so proud of them and the growth they've had together. And I'm really grateful they were willing to share their journey so openly. If you want to connect with them or continue these kinds of conversations, they're both active inside our private community. And if you want support, structure, and training like they had, you can check out the All Access Pass at domsubliving.com/slash all access. All the links and resources mentioned are in the description for this episode. I hope this interview sparked something for you and reminded you that real healthy Dom Sub dynamics are built step by step. Make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss future interviews and trainings. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.