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Feeling pulled in a dozen directions about what kind of Dom you're supposed to be is way more common than people admit. And it doesn't mean you're failing. Caregiver, master, sadist, soft Dom. If those labels feel more like pressure than alignment, this is the conversation you've been missing. Welcome to the Dom Sub-Living podcast. Hey, it's Alessandra, and today's episode is a really good one. It's built around a real question that hits something so many DOMs struggle with, not knowing which parts of themselves they're supposed to lean into. Control, care, intensity, structure, it can all feel like it's pulling you in different directions. So in this clip, you're going to hear from my very own Dom, Jay. He answered this very question on a coaching call he did inside one of our programs. He gives a real honest, grounded take on how to make sense of all of it and start trusting what actually fits.

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This is from Emmanuel. It says, How did you know what kind of Dom you wanted to be? I feel pulled in many directions in this regard. This is a great question. Um, I was looking forward to answering this one. You know, you go through life knowing you just want certain things. You know, certain things bug you, uh, certain things get under your skin, and you wish you had the control to change them. You wish you can control other people to be the way you want them to be. And some aspects of life you can't. Well, in your personal life and in your DOM sub dynamic, you can. You get that ability to control the people around you to be exactly the way you want them to be. So this is a common belief, a common problem, I should say, among new dominants and even someone who's been living as a dominant side of relationships for a long time is what kind of dom should we be? Should we be a daddy dom? Should we be a master? Should we be a sadist? Should be, you know, there's tons of different angles you can come from. And I say the best thing, the best advice I can give you would be go with your instincts in different situations or experiences you find yourself in. What is your gut instinct of like what you want to change? What do you would you like to do that maybe you weren't able to? Do you want control? Do you want to nurture? Do you want to punish? Do you want to cause pain? Do you, you know, whatever those instincts and desires are in certain situations, those might be pointing you to what kind of DOM, what kind of lifestyle you want to have. Because in a DS dynamic, you get to have what you want. So keep that in mind. And you know, for me, my gut reaction to things in our relationship with me and Alessandra were uh I tended to lead more toward the nurturing uh daddy role when things would be difficult. I'd want to take care of her, I'd want to help encourage her. Um, she's always kind of had a little side um in most of her life, and so that her relationship always sort of leaned that way. So I knew for sure that the daddy role fit me. And, you know, that was mostly like when times are good, when things are going really smoothly, and especially when problems arose in the relationship, because we all have them. There's problems, there's things that come up, there's arguments, there's decisions to be made, uh, you know, things like that, especially, you know, sometimes in parenting or just our life in general. And I always really knew that I wanted to have the control. It would bug me to have to go with someone else's decision. I wanted to be the one to make the decisions. And that's not to say I always make good ones. Um, as DOMs, we don't always make good decisions. Sometimes our things we decide they don't go well, but that really has nothing to do with the having the desire to have that control. So don't let that hold you back from being that type of Dom. So I always wanted the final say. Um, you can bring something to me, but I have my opinion of how it should go, and I wanted it done exactly that way. And it would bug me like crazy if I had to not have it the way I wanted. So I learned pretty quickly that one of the nice things of being a Dom is you get to have it the way you want it. So that helped me decide that part of it. And in the bedroom, um, I always kind of leaned more toward the sadist role. I enjoyed giving pain, and I enjoyed also control in that aspect of getting things exactly the way I wanted when I wanted in to the most minute detail. Um, that's where I found that my pleasure came from. So chances are your life is already pointing you in the direction of what kind of DOM you're gonna be. You may be many different directions, and that's okay. Because, like I just said, like there's different aspects and types of dominance that all can kind of mesh together in different aspects of your life. Um, so don't think you have to pick one, it can be all of them. And if you have you know multiple submissives, you can have some that take on different roles, some may be more of a slave, some may be more of a little. Yeah, so don't think you need to land on just one thing. You get to have it the way you want it. So I hope that helps you. Um any more questions that any of you have, ask in the community, send us a direct message, whether it be to me or Alessandra, and we will help you out the best we can.

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Wow, I think a lot of us needed to hear that because so many DOMs and subs think they have to pick one perfect role and stick to it. But what Jay really showed is that your instincts are probably already telling you how you want to lead and connect and show up in this lifestyle. So if you're a dominant and you've ever worried that wanting different things means you're inconsistent or doing it wrong, I hope that took some of the pressure off. Your Dom style isn't something you force, it's something you grow into. And if you want real guidance instead of just trying to figure it all out on your own, my Dom and I coach dominance and submissives inside our All Access Pass. You get personalized feedback, support when things get messy, and help building a dynamic that actually fits you, not someone else's version of it. So you can join us at dumbsubliving.comslash all access. I'll put a link in the description too, but that's dumbsubliving.com slash all access. We'd love to support you there. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dumb Subliving.