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You know what I hear almost every single week? I can't find a real sub. Every Dom I meet is fake. All the dating sites are full of scammers. And honestly, I get it. Because finding a real Dom or sub feels exhausting. Like you finally get excited about someone and then something weird happens. But here's the good news. People in my community are finding real partners all the time. And today I'm sharing exactly how. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living Podcast. Hey, it's Alessandra, and today I'm breaking down the four ways I've personally seen work when it comes to finding a Dom Sub partner. I've seen these four different ways from my own life and from hundreds of my students and clients. And make sure you stay until the end because I'm also going to share the biggest mistake I see people make that keeps them stuck as a single kinkster for years, even when they're doing everything else right. Let's start by talking about why this feels so hard in the first place. Finding a partner is already challenging in the vanilla world. Now add kink on top of that, and BDSM and dominance and submission. Suddenly your dating pool feels tiny. You're not just looking for attraction, you're looking for trust and communication, compatibility, shared desires, and emotional safety. And instead of that, you run into scammers, people who just want hookups, fake Alpha DOMs who learned everything from social media or regurgitated Chat GBT. You run into people who don't want structure or accountability. There's ghosting, mixed signals. It can feel brutal to say the least. And once I started seeing those patterns, everything started clicking in my brain as a kink coach. So let's walk through the four ways I've seen actually work. And as we go, I want you to think about this question. Which one feels like it fits where you are right now? So let's start with number one. Introduce the lifestyle to your current partner if you have one. Now I know some of you are already shaking your head. You're probably thinking, Alessandra, my partner would never be into this. Trust me, I thought the same thing. When I first started discovering kink and power exchange on my own, I was already in a vanilla marriage. And we were also in a high control religion at the time to kind of complicate things even further. And the idea of bringing it up was terrifying. I had all these fears running through my head. Like, what if he judges me? What if he thinks I'm sick in the head? What if he leaves or, you know, tells the leaders of our religion? What if I just end up ruining everything I've built? But at the same time, I knew something important. We already had trust. We already had connection. We already cared about each other. I mean, we married each other. So all of that mattered. So instead of sitting him down and just dumping everything all at once onto him, I started really slow. I actually started out by just sharing an article with him from Cosmopolitan Magazine, but I talked about power dynamics in a non-sexual way first. I explained what drew me to submission emotionally. I talked about how it wasn't just about sex, it was about structure and leadership and safety and connection. And the important thing is I talked about what he would actually get out of this type of dynamic, too. And something interesting happened. Instead of being judgmental, he was actually curious. And instead of, you know, him freaking out, he had questions. And instead of him rejecting me, he was actually really open. Now we were already pretty kinky before this, but over time, after this conversation, we started exploring dominance and submission as an actual dynamic, you know, slowly, really safely, with lots and lots of communication, you know, tons of talking. And first we did it in the bedroom and then outside the bedroom. And this process is something I've seen over and over again with my students, too. I've had couples join my AllX Pass together where one partner was already into kink and the other was completely vanilla. Some of them were nervous, some were skeptical, some weren't sure what to expect. But now they're in thriving DS relationships. Some of the strongest dynamics I've ever seen started this way. Because when you already have trust, you're not starting from zero. You're building on a foundation. So let me ask you something. What if the person you're already with could be your perfect Dom or sub partner? What if you're actually closer than you think? Now, of course, this doesn't work in every relationship. If your partner is completely closed off, disrespectful, or they're just unwilling to communicate, that's a different story altogether. And you should probably look into a professional therapist. But if there's love and openness in your relationship, this path can be incredibly powerful. So that was number one. Introduce the lifestyle to your current partner. Now, I know some of you don't currently have a partner. That's probably why you're listening to this podcast episode. Or maybe you tried everything I just said and it didn't work. So that brings us to way number two. And this one surprises a lot of people that I would actually give this type of advice. So way number two is date a vanilla partner first, then bring up kink. And here's something most people don't talk about. A good majority of people who are walking around on this planet, they are kinky. They just don't advertise it. You probably don't advertise that you're kinky either. Like no one would look at you and say, oh yeah, that's a kinkster. It's that way for the majority of people. And also a huge percentage of kinky people didn't start kinky, myself included. People discover it later through curiosity, through education, through a partner. I've had so many students who met someone on a completely normal vanilla dating app. No kink profile, no BDSM language. They focused on connection first. They built emotional intimacy. They got to know each other as human beings. And then slowly they brought up kink. One student told me, you know, I almost didn't bring it up because I assumed she'd say no. And it turns out that she's really into it. And now she's the best sub I could ever imagine. It kind of reminds me of that movie American Pie. If you've seen it, um, the character Michelle, she's a huge nerd and just super annoying. And she keeps talking about, you know, this one time at Bandcamp. But when she's finally in bed with the main character Jim, she's a total hardcore freak in bed. And it scares him because he had no idea she was that kind of person. He just thought that she was this annoying Bandcamp nerd. And then I had another student say that their partner never even heard of Diaz before them, but now they structure their whole relationship around it. And I hear stories like this all the time. When you lead with connection, trust grows. And when trust grows, curiosity usually follows. Now that doesn't mean you need to hide who you are forever and hide your kinks. It just means you don't lead with explicit fantasies right off the bat. You let someone see you as a human first. So let me ask you something. How many potentially amazing partners have you written off because you didn't think they were kinky or they weren't kinky right away? Maybe it's that person at your work or that you see all the time at the grocery store or at the gym. How many people have you disqualified before giving them a chance to even learn or have that conversation with you? Now, of course, there are people who will never be into this lifestyle. They'll never be into kink, and that's okay. It takes lots of types of people to make the world go round. But there are also a lot of people who are open-minded, who are curious and willing to explore when they feel safe. If you're a member of our All Access Past, you can check out the trainings we have on exactly how to bring this up with someone who's vanilla or who you think is vanilla. But we cover how to test curiosity, how to read reactions, how to spot red flags, how to communicate in a healthy way. But the big takeaway here is this: you don't always need to find someone who's already kinky. Sometimes you grow in it together. And honestly, I think this way is one of the ways I recommend the most because you'll start off having some kind of foundation first. You'll find someone you're attracted to as a person. You'll have things in common that will last even in non-kinky times. And besides, no one wants to play with someone who they have nothing in common with and no connection. I mean, me and my Dom are huge Star Trek nerds and Star Wars nerds. So we always have things like that to connect with outside of kink. So that was way number two, find a vanilla partner first, then bring up Kink. Now, of course, some of you really want to meet people who you know are already in this lifestyle, which brings us to the option most people try first and usually struggle with. So number three is apps, platforms, and communities, but done the smart way. So let's talk about online dating in the kink world. Oh man, I know for a lot of you it feels like a nightmare. Scammers everywhere, people who only want hookups, fake DOMs, fake subs. And after a while, you just start thinking like online just doesn't work. But here's the truth online absolutely works when you do it differently than most people. And even though I am married to my Dom, I have experience with this and he does too. If you don't already know, we are in an open relationship. We are polyamorous, we have both found partners through apps, and yes, we know what a dumpster fire some of the apps can be. But if you're a member of our All Access Tasks, we do share the best apps we've seen that have worked for us personally and for our members. You can also check out the dating profile templates that you have in your curriculum dashboard because I know how freaking hard it is to write a dating profile. But most people fail at online dating because they rush things. They overshare, they ignore red flags, or they give a bunch of red flags themselves, they jump into sexual conversations immediately, they don't vet people properly, they focus on chemistry instead of character. Now, inside my community, I've seen so many members meet partners. Some started as friends, some started as conversations, some slowly grew into full-on relationships. And what made the difference wasn't so much the platform, it was how they approached it. They slowed down, they asked thoughtful questions, they watched for consistency, they built trust over time, they didn't just rush into you know the kinky conversations, they treated it like real dating, not instant gratification. So let me ask you this: when you meet someone online, are you trying to rush into a dynamic or are you building a relationship? Because the people who succeed treat it like real connection. They're treating the other person on the other line like a real human being. They're not treating them like they're just a shiny new toy. This is why communities work so well. When people are learning together and growing together and focused on healthy dynamics, the quality of the connections is completely different. And I've seen that firsthand. One of my Alex's past members, he actually messaged me in our community. Um, and he said, Well, here, I'll just read it. He said, Things are going well, and I've enjoyed getting settled in over here as opposed to previous communities I've been involved with. I have started a dynamic with someone I met here. Things seem to be going amazingly well. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. I just thought that was so cute. And if you're not a member of our community, um definitely join. You can join for free at domsubliv.comslash community. So that was way number three, apps, platforms, and communities. Now, before I move on to the last method, I want you to keep something in mind. So there's one mistake people make online that also shows up in real life. I'll I'll talk about it in a few minutes, but first let's talk about meeting in person. So, way number four is meeting people in person at munches, events, and dungeons. If you've ever thought about going to a kink event and talked yourself out of it, you're not alone. I hear this constantly. What if it's awkward? What if I don't fit in? What if everyone's staring at me? What if I see someone I know? What if I go alone? And I'll be honest, I've chickened out of going to events before. Um, when I did go to my first munch, I was actually sick to my stomach. I was so nervous. But let me tell you something. Most munches are incredibly normal. And if you don't know what a munch is, it's just an informal meetup. It's just usually people meeting at restaurants or at a coffee shop. One of my favorite ones I go to where I live, um, we meet at a park. There's talking, laughing, getting to know each other, people from all different ages. There's no scenes, there's no leather gear, there's no pressure, there's no expectations. It's just humans connecting with other humans who happen to be kinky. And these spaces are incredibly powerful for building relationships. I've had so many students meet partners this way. One of them told me, you know, I was terrified to go to my first munch, but I met my Dom there and we've been together for, you know, years. Another has said, you know, I went to events for months before anything happened, but I built friendships that eventually led to my partner that I have now. The beautiful thing about in-person events is that you get to see how people actually behave. You see how they communicate, you see how they treat others and interact with them, you see consistency or lack thereof. And that's huge. And again, if you're an AllX Pass member, definitely check out our resources section. We have directories for how to find munches and dungeons and different events in your area, or you can chat with me in one of our um one-to-one coaching sessions that you get as a member, and I can help you out with finding somewhere local for you. But here's something really interesting. A lot of people do go to events in the hopes that they will find a partner and they still don't meet anyone. Why? Because they make the same mistake they make online, which brings us to the biggest mistake I see that keeps people stuck. Here it is: rushing, rushing into talking about scenes, rushing into dynamics, rushing into relationships, rushing into emotional investment, instead of slowing down, instead of just trying to be friends first, instead of building connection, instead of vetting, and instead of observing behavior over time, the people who succeed slow down. They ask questions, they watch for consistency, they focus on trust first. And this applies to all four ways we talked about. Introducing kink to a partner works when you go slow. Vanilla dating and bringing up kink later works when you go slow. Online dating works when you go slow. In-person events work when you go slow. So let me ask you something. What if slowing down actually gets you there faster? What if the problem isn't where you're looking, but how you're looking? So, how do you know which path is right for you? How do you choose? Well, if you're already in a relationship and there's openness, start there. If you want emotional connection first, vanilla dating can work really well. If you want a kinky dating pool, apps and communities work when you do it right. If you want real-world connection, in-person events are amazing. Most people actually use a combination, and that's totally normal. There's no one perfect way. The key is being intentional and patient, being educated and kind to yourself. Because finding a Dom or sub isn't about luck. It's about strategy and communication and education and patience. The people I see who succeed aren't doing anything magical really. They're just approaching relationships and dating differently. So again, start by joining our free community at domsubliving.com/slash community. I'll put a link for it in the description too. And if you want help learning how to vet partners, communicate clearly, spot red flags, and build real DS relationships, that's exactly what I teach inside my courses and all XSPAS. You don't have to figure this out alone. And yes, you absolutely can find a real partner. I see it happen all the time. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.