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Before you blame yourself or your partner for why your DS keeps fizzling out, stop. There are three specific reasons this keeps happening, and none of them are what you think. I've worked with hundreds of couples and I see the same patterns over and over again. And once you know what they are, you can't unsee them. Let me show you. Welcome to the Dom Sub-Living Podcast. Today, I have a pretty strong message for you today. And hopefully, I don't get on your bad side with this one. Hopefully we still stay friends. But we're going to talk about why your DS relationship, your Dom sub relationship, why it keeps failing. Because maybe you've had some false starts. Maybe you got into a lot of sub-frenzy or Dom frenzy. You started off really strong with your partner or just in the lifestyle in general. And then things started to wane. And you stopped, and then you tried again. And then after a while, maybe a month or even a few weeks, you just kind of stopped again. Or maybe you're kind of feeling disappointed with where you are right now, with where you want to be. Maybe you were hoping that you'd be farther along right now, that you'd be doing more kinky scenes than you're doing currently, or you just envisioned a totally different relationship and lifestyle for yourself. Or even hear me out on this one. Maybe you're frustrated with either yourself or with your partner. Maybe you think if your partner was doing more, if your partner was taking their role more seriously, doing things as much as you were doing in the lifestyle, that maybe you would be leaps and bounds farther ahead than you are right now. Or maybe you're kind of beating yourself up because you think you're the problem, that if it wasn't for you, your relationship would be, you know, somewhere, you know, else progressing. Because I see this a lot with people who deal with depression and anxiety. They kind of think that it's it's them. And if their partner was with someone else, then they'd have this amazing kinky lifestyle. So maybe some of those things feel like you. But I'm here to tell you today, no matter what you may be feeling, it's not your fault. It's probably just that you've been told some outdated information on the internet, or maybe even some flat-out wrong things, or just some misleading advice. But I'm here to tell you that there is another way, that if things haven't been working for you, don't take it personally. But there is another way that it doesn't have to be this constant stop and start with your relationships where you're always disappointed or frustrated. But there is another way. So let's dig in. So, why does your DS relationship seem to keep failing and not being where you wish it would be? Well, reason number one is you let your vanilla life get in the way. And this is probably the biggest reason I hear from people about why they're currently not living the BDSM lifestyle or why they had to take a break is that something in their vanilla life was preventing them from taking things farther. And so I'll give you an example of this that I actually heard. One of my students, it was um around the holidays. So they told me that they had relatives visiting, that they had children that were off on off of school, they were on break, and so they were home and they were just super, super busy, had tons of family around. And so they told me that them and their partner just decided to kind of put their dom sub relationship on the back burner. And then after the holidays, they would pick it back up. And to me, that is just totally backwards thinking. And so, of course, I I reasoned with my student and they saw the light. And I'm actually going to be talking about some of the things that I shared with them. But that is an excuse I hear a lot. So it can be holidays, it could be family obligations, things come up with your job, you could be on vacation. I hear some people where they use the vacation to start their Dom sub relationship. Like when I when we're on vacation and, you know, we're, you know, on a honeymoon or we're, it's just the two of us, then we're we're going to really take our DS relationship seriously. Or it's the opposite. You know, when when we're on vacation, we're not DS anymore. Like we're in vanilla mode, we're in family mode. And so we kind of have that role that we don't practice DS on vacation. So people go either way with that one. Another reason I hear is health reasons that um even for women or people who are menstruating, that during that time of the month, that sometimes they will put their DS relationship on hold because, you know, there's so much going on when it's that time of the month, so many emotions and physical things, um, but just other health reasons too, you know, injuries, cancer diagnosis, um, all these things that people will put their DS relationship on the back burner. But I'm gonna tell you a reason why this isn't always the best tactic. So the problem with doing this kind of stop and start thing is it becomes a habit. Once you find one reason to stop, you'll find another reason to stop. And every time you stop, it'll just get harder and harder to pick it back up. And the analogy I kind of always use with this is if you are married, and let's say your husband and wife, just for this example, that let's say the holidays happen or a vacation or even a health reason, you would never say, we're gonna stop being in a marriage while we deal with this, and we're just gonna put the marriage on the back burner while we get through this thing. Like you would never do that. If anything, hopefully you never do that, but you would use that marriage to help you get through the situation. You would never say, well, let's just stop being married and just focus on ourselves or focus on this other thing. Um, that would be absurd to say something like that. Again, you want to use your marriage to help you get through that, to have that support. So it's the same with the dom-sub relationship. When that curveball in life comes at you, because there will always be a curveball, that you want to use your dom-sub relationship as the tool to help you get through that. And so, yes, your relationship may look a little different. Like if it's a health reason, for example, you may not be doing a lot of impact play during that time. But that doesn't mean your whole DS relationship is on the back burner and you verbally say, okay, let's just take a break right now. Um, there's a lot of legitimate reasons to take a break if you're questioning the relationship or there's needs that are continuing to not be addressed, but just the stressors of life to stop a relationship, I think is a huge mistake. And it's a huge misopportunity. Cause, like I said, it can be really the thing that helps you get through that, even with health reasons. So I'll give you an example. Like I've dealt with a ton of health issues. And if my dom were to say, I'm gonna let you take a break from being a sub right now, that would be devastating for me. Even if it's something small, like he tells me, you know, as a submissive, today I want you to journal and I want you to make the bed and drink eight cups of water, then that would give me three things to focus on instead of my health issue that I was dealing with. And so being a submissive during these really difficult times can actually help me to get through them and can draw us closer. I'll give you another another example in my own personal life about how we had to be really careful about not letting a vanilla issue get in the way. My Dom has actually started doing a lot of out-of-town work. And so, and and sometimes it's almost like we're this long-distance couple. And so we could use that as an opportunity to say, okay, it's really hard to stay dom sub when he's out of town for, you know, a week at a time. Let's just during that time put our DS relationship on the back burner. And then when he comes home, we'll pick it back up. And we started almost doing that without, you know, verbally saying we were doing that. We noticed, and we immediately nipped it in the bud because it's such a shaky situation to be in. Because, like I said, it it can snowball into other areas. Then you, you know, start stopping during other situations. So we really we noticed it when it started happening and nipped it in the bud. And we really thought, no, this is a time to draw even closer. What can we do as a DS couple to really solidify our relationship, even when he is traveling or away from home because of work? So that was the first reason why your DS relationship maybe is keeps failing, is that you let your vanilla life get in the way. Now, the second reason is that you focus on the skills instead of the mindset. So, what this looks like in real life is maybe when you first started, you bought all the toys. You went to, you know, you went online and you bought every single item you can think of. You bought the floggers, the handcuffs, the writing crops, the ropes, the blindfolds, everything, the paddles, and you bought it all. You bought a toy chest to put it all in, and you started learning rope bondage and all these intricate ties and all these techniques, and you learned all the kneeling poses and you have all those down. But that's what you're you're focusing on. You're not focusing on the mindset skills that you need as a dom or sub. So, what happens is all those toys just stay in the toy box. They never get used, and all those advanced techniques that you learned or you spent money on learning, um, went to kick classes, you never really implement those. Like maybe you did in the beginning, but after a while, because you didn't focus on your mindset, that you stop really practicing BDSM. So, what are some of these mindset gremlins or mindset issues that can come up for DOMs and subs? Well, the biggest one I would say is fear. Um, fear plays a big part and it can manifest itself in different ways. So, for DOMs, this can be fear of like maybe crossing a boundary. Maybe you're afraid that you're gonna come across as too domineering, too controlling, you might hurt your sub and you just kind of let that fear paralyze you. Or you may have fear of rejection. If you're single, maybe you don't even want to go on the dating apps, you don't want to go to meetups and events because you just have this fear of either rejection or that you're not gonna fit in. And fear of rejection can even happen in long-term relationships, too, that maybe a Dom tries to initiate a scene and the submissive's not really into it. And so then the Dom just thinks, well, why bother now? And then another emotion that can come up is just this lack of confidence that I see a lot too. And unfortunately, we have society to blame for this, we have Fifty Shades of Grey to blame for this, because everybody knows the stereotype of a Dom as this Christian gray, super rich, you know, super, super buff, you know, six-pack abs. And also the the stereotypes of of what a submissive can be, too. And so there's also these gender roles, and you know, if you're a female DOM, then you know, maybe you're not feeling seen or visible in the community, and or if you're a male sub, you're feeling the same things. So there can be this lack of confidence, and then there's also body issues, too. So you just have to be really mindful of that. Um, another mindset issue could just be being overly shy, again, not wanting to do kinky things because that wasn't really something that you were told in life that was okay. So maybe you're a little anxious in that area and a little embarrassed about what you like. And maybe you're afraid to ask for what you need and want. Um, maybe you feel like what you need and want is different than what most people want. Like, am I normal? That's a question I hear all the time. Is it normal that I like these things? And all these issues can happen even if you are bedroom-only kink. So if you and your partner, or just you solo, if you are practicing BDSM, even bedroom only, you may think, well, I don't need to focus on the mindset. I'm just doing this bedroom only. And that is like a huge, huge red flag because so much of what happens outside the bedroom in our own personal lives and in our own mind affects what we bring into the bedroom or into the playroom. Again, if we're have these fears and lack of confidence, those will manifest themselves in the bedroom. Men have performance anxiety. So there, there's so many issues, insecurity issues, all these things can really play a role in, you know, whether or not your your GS relationship succeeds or whether it kind of just fizzles out and fails. So I'll kind of give you a personal example of this. So in the beginning of our relationship, I was super, super excited to do all the kinky things, but I I do have a lot of self-confidence issues and I was stuck in my head about what my body looked, what I should be doing, what I shouldn't be doing. And so this was affecting how I was participating in scenes in our play dynamic. And this was something my Dom helped me with a lot. I did a lot of journaling assignments on this. And one thing that has really helped me that my Dom does is blindfolding me because then I don't have to see my body. I don't have to worry what I look like, I don't have to worry about what his reactions are. I just have to be in the moment and feel and obey. And so when these issues, even when you do master them, they're gonna come up from time to time. And so insecurity issues, self-confidence issues, those are things I've always had to work on and will have to work on in the future. So even as I gotten better, it still comes up. And so I am able to communicate like, hey, I'm not feeling the most confident right now. Um, and that's when he knows to get the blindfold out. But so yeah, that was reason number two when you focus on the skills instead of the mindset. So, reason number three, this is gonna be a fun one. I'm sure I'm gonna get a lot of comments from you about this one, but it's when there's topping from the bottom, or what we also call bottoming from the top, that can lead to a relationship failing. When a partner gets away with this for so long and it's never called out, because it's gonna happen. It's it's normal, it's it's not something horribly bad. I know sometimes other educators like to put down submissives or DOMs when this happens. And it's not some huge wrong thing. I've heard people say even like a true sub would never top from the bottom. And that's just garbage. But um, so it's gonna happen. But when a partner gets away away with it for so long and it's never called out, that's when it can lead to the relationship eventually failing. So if you don't know what topping from the bottom is, it's when the submissive takes on more of the dominant role. And even though they're the submissive, in the way they act and speak, they start directing the relationship and leading the relationship. And then with bottoming from the top, the the dominant will in their position, kind of follow the submissive and kind of like make them take the lead. And I'm gonna give you some examples. So one of the biggest examples I'm sure we've all done or seen or heard of other people doing is kind of like when the submissive is constantly interjecting their opinion into whatever's going on in the dynamic. So if it's like a scene and the DOM says, I want you to do this, then the submissive might say, Well, actually, I was kind of hoping we might do this instead. Or just whenever the Dom kind of takes the lead, the submissive just interjects their opinion about, well, do you think instead maybe we should just do it this way? And I know people like to call me out on this, but a submissive can always share their opinion as long as it's done in the right way. And so the right way would always be being respectful, saying it in a respectful tone, a respectful way, and doing it in the right like avenue of doing it. So this could be like in a journal or just at the end of the day. It can be in that actual instance. But what I'm talking about with all these examples I'm gonna be giving you, it's when it becomes like a habit, like all the time when the submissive keeps going against the dominance direction and lead and just interjecting their opinions, because really that's all it is most of the time, is just an opinion. And yes, believe me, submissives can have opinions, they should have opinions, but again, where it becomes an issue where it's just constant. Another example of this is overly bratty or disobedient behavior. So this isn't to knock actual brats and brat tamers. That's an actual dynamic that people have consented to that know that their partner is a brat going into it. I'm talking about when it's this overly bratty, disobedient behavior where it becomes just expected and almost like like a game. Um, and not a good game, like not like flirting or anything like that. Just becomes an annoying game. And I have caught myself doing this. I will be bratty in a way that is more like flirting, but I have caught myself being bratty in a more disobedient way. So one example is like I'm calling myself out on this one, but I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. And that's something my dom works with me on and will punish me on. And he has rules around. And so we have this rule that when my alarm goes off, I get out of bed. And I will sometimes purposely lay in bed and think, why hasn't he, you know, if he's home, I'm like, why hasn't he made me get out of bed yet? Or if he's at work, I'll think, like, why hasn't he texted me yet to see if I'm out of bed? And that's not the issue. Like, I am, yes, like hoping that he notices that I'm not out of bed yet. And we have this role and that I should be out of bed. And so I'm hoping and wanting him to do these things. And then it just hit me one day that he is probably hoping and wanting that I just obey and get out of bed. So it just kind of like, I don't know what it was. It just clicked in my brain like that. Where, and so maybe you're submissive and you think, why doesn't my Dom notice that I'm not following their role? Like, why doesn't my Dom come and punish me and like turn the tables and think, doesn't your Dom probably hope and want that you're just obeying and doing the thing they told you to do? So it we have to put it in perspective like that sometime. But so that can be an issue is when there's just this constant brattiness, this constant submissive who's not obeying what their DOM has wanted them to do. Another issue that can come up with topping from the bottom, and some people again like to call me out on this one, but I'm gonna give you some context. So listen to everything I say first. Safe wording too much. Let me put the disclaimer out there that a submissive should always feel safe to use their safe words, and that the dominant should always respect a submissive safe words. So what I'm talking about though is when a safe word is becomes overused, and only really the submissive knows again whether or not they're doing this. The Dom, I think, can kind of get see it, but only the submissive truly knows if they are safe wording too much. And because again, the dominant, no matter what their reason for safe wording, even if the Dom doesn't agree, the Dom has to respect the submissive safe word. And so that's either stopping completely or slowing down. But so safe wording too much is the problem. And I was thinking of this as a like an analogy. So do you remember the game we used to play when we were younger? Red light, green light. Um, I'm not sure if that's just an American game, but red light, green light, if you don't know what it is, it's this game where one person, one child is kind of the leader and in control, and they're kind of far away on the blacktop or on the field, and they're the ones directing the other children. So the other children all line up at one line, and the the child who's leading can say green light, and everybody, all the other children go, and they're trying to get all the way to where the one child is. It's like a race. Hopefully you know what I'm talking about, or else this sounds very confusing. But then the child leading can then say red light, and then everyone has to stop. And then whenever the child wants them to go again, they say green light, and it becomes this fun game. But I'm sure you've seen it. You've ever experienced this when you were a kid. Maybe it was you that did this, but you've seen the one child who becomes a leader and they are just drunk with power. So they will say green light, and then really quick say red light, and then do it again. Green light, red light, and everyone just kind of freezes. They run a little bit, they stop a little bit, and the child keeps doing it again. Green light, red light. And after a while, like the kids are not having fun anymore. It's not a game anymore. And they're like exhausted, like, come on, just tell us when to go. And so that's what I think about when a submissive safe word's too much. It's like saying, green light, red light to their dom. That yes, you can be my Dom. Yes, we can have this BDSM relationship. And then all of a sudden, red light, no, you can't do this anymore. And I got in that habit where it was like whenever a conversation got too tense, like I was having to be vulnerable sharing things, I would just use my safe word red and be like, Red, I don't want to talk about this. Or if it was something during a scene, and I just in that moment, just not feeling it, or just not really like excited about it, or I didn't have time for it, or like just like a very like silly reason. I just say, Red, I don't want to do that. And that can make a DOM not as excited to lead in the relationship. Again, it's that red light, green light where they're just kind of frustrated, like, well, what are we even doing here? And so I really had to stop and think like, what does it actually mean to safe word? To safe word means that I'm either at my limit or close to my limit. And so I really had to think, like, when we're having these intense conversations where I'm having to get vulnerable and share things, um, and I say red, is that really because I'm at my limit? Or is it just because I'm feeling uncomfortable? And again, with scenes, like if we were doing something and something physical that he wanted to do and I safe worded, was it because I was really at my limit or close to my limit? Or was I just again feeling uncomfortable or just not really excited to do something? Again, I'm not like, don't at me at this. Like, I'm not talking about like real things that you should be safe wording for. Like I said at the beginning, like only the submissive knows if this is something that is at or close to their limit. So if you're submissive, I really want you to stop and think. When you are safe wording, is that because you're just uncomfortable, like emotionally, or is it what's the reason? Only you know, are you really at your limit? Because if you safe word constantly all the time, it's gonna be like that red light, green light game where no one wants to play because it just becomes so frustrating. And so make sure you take that into consideration. So now we're gonna talk about bottoming from the top. So this is a term, not a lot of people use it or know about it, but it's basically the inverse of topping from the bottom. It's when the dominant kind of uses their role to just allow the submissive to take the lead and have the control. And so some things that can be caused from this are when a Dom chooses to delegate too much to their sub. And I'll give you an example of this. So my DOM has delegated doing the bills to me. So I'm the one who does the builds. Like that is something he has control over because we're in a total power exchange relationship. He has total control over everything, but he has delegated that to me. And because we're TPE, he can take that back at any time. But what happens in bottoming from the top is the DOM just basically starts delegating everything to the sub. So this can be where you eat, where you go on dates, when you do scenes, how you do scenes, um, just basically everything. Um, and again, only you really know what the limit is. And there's nothing wrong with a DOM delegating things to a submissive, but a DOM has to ask themselves, am I delegating this to my sub because I think they can do it and it would help me out? Or is it just I'm trying to give them back all the power? So it's like when you have this total power exchange and the DOM has all this power, when they delegate everything, they're just basically handing it back. And so that can be an issue why we see DS relationships fail, is that they use delegating as kind of like this cop-out to just basically get out of their role and not having to take the lead in things. So that's a trap to get it that people get into. So again, only the DOM really knows. It's like, are they just delegating things because they're lazy and they just don't want to deal with it? Or is it really something that they think, okay, maybe my submissive knows more about this than me. I don't have the time to learn it or take it over. And, you know, it's only like one or two things. It's not like I'm delegating a whole lot to them. So that's just another trap to watch out for. Another huge um bottoming from the top example is when a Dom doesn't punish their sub, if their dynamic has punishments, that's something that both of you have consented to. But when a Dom tells me that their sub is perfect and they don't need to punish them, I am like, wow, that's not something to be proud of. Like, let's let's be real here. Um, that's actually when I hear a Dom say, my sub is perfect and I never have to punish them, I yeah, that's like a relationship red flag to me right there. Um, and I'll tell you why. Because I'm sorry to break it to you, but no one is perfect. Like your sub is not perfect. No one is perfect. And so if you and your partner have consented to using punishments for behavior modification and you feel like your submissive isn't doing anything to warrant a punishment, like you need to try a little harder. I like I'm I'm sorry to call you out on this one, but it could be because you have set the bar so low as a DOM that it's just easy for them to be a sub. And I I hear a lot of subs, again, like we have thousands of students. So, like I have like the bird's eye view of like so many people's relationships, and I and I get to see why relationships fail. And so resentment is such a huge issue. So when I hear a lot of subs say, I wish my my Dom would punish me more, listen, your submissive wants to be punished more. I I hear that all the time. I've have yet to hear a sub say that they're punished too much. So if you have set that bar too low, um, it's time to raise it. So I'll give you an example. Like, I I think the most common like rule a DOM will set their sub up with is you know to drink eight glasses of water a day. That's like the starter rule kind of a thing. Drink eight glasses of water a day. That's kind of pretty dang easy. And so a sub won't get punished. Um, and then you can add other things over time. But I kind of like this 2080 rule that I think a submissive should be able to obey 80% of the rules, and then 20% should be like a really far stretch to really challenge them. And so that's the thing. If you have a sub and you say, well, they're perfect, I never have to punish me punish them, but they're not really being challenged. And so it's kind of like I like to run. And so if I had this goal of running a mile in, let's say 30 minutes, like I can do that. Like, that's pretty dang easy. I can slowly walk that even. So if I had a running coach that said, like, our goal for you is to run a mile in 30 minutes, then that's like great, okay, I'm able to do that. But that's not pushing me, that's not helping to mold me into a better runner. And if they say, okay, we'll run a mile in 10 minutes, like I'm gonna be huffing and puffing, and I probably won't run it in 10 minutes because I'm not that fast. I might run it in 12 minutes. But that pushed me. And so I was able to come close to it. I was able to really work hard and strive to, in this instance, like please my coach. And so, Doms, I challenge you to, you know, in the in the agreed-upon limits of your relationship, push your sub, give them goals and roles that stretch them. So they have to actually try and work at it. And again, I think that 80-20 role is a good goal because you want them to have the confidence that they can obey your roles, they can follow your roles, but if they are following the able to follow them 100% of the time, they're not getting that opportunity to stretch themselves and to try to please you better. And if 100% of the time they are following your role, then they are not getting that punishment. And a lot of subs actually like being punished. And a lot of DOMs like punishing their subs. And yes, there is funishments and where you can just do maintenance bankings, but in my experience of being a Dom sub relationship coach, that a lot of relationships fail is because there's not any real punishments, because the Dom says, well, my submissive is just perfect and they follow my rules, and I never have to punish them. So if that sounded like you, like really take a look at your punishments, take a look at your roles and see if you can get closer to that 80%, 20% rule. And if you are a Dom and you need some ideas for punishments, you can grab my list of, I have over 30 punishment ideas in this list, and you can grab it at DomSubliving.com slash punish. So that's always available to you too if you just don't punish because you just don't have ideas for what you should be doing for punishments. But those were the three reasons why your DS relationship keeps failing. So just to go over them again. So reason number one was you let your vanilla life get in the way. Reason number two was you focus on the skills instead of the mindset. And reason number three is you have topping from the bottom or bottoming from the top. But remember, it's not your fault. You've probably been, you know, doing these things because you've just made it a habit or you believed other things that you read or been told information that just was kind of misleading or wrong or outdated. But it doesn't have to be that way. So you can have a successful BDSM relationship that stays on track and keeps getting better and better. And to help you get back on track, I have that free resource library that includes access to dozens of BDSM resources like videos, workbooks, worksheets, and guides. And you can redeem all of that for free at Domsubliving.comslash free. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Subliving community. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the show notes, and be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Subliving.