SPEAKER_01 0:00

Some of you have zero protocols, and some of you have 30 that you barely even follow. Both are exhausting. And if you think protocols only work for hardcore 24-7 couples, that's just not true. I'm Alessandra from Dom Sub Living, and I'm going to show you how to make them work in your real life, in and out of the bedroom. This is a special replay from last year's Dom Sub Dynamics Summit, where my Dom Jay and I shared beginner and advanced techniques. And you can even grab a free ticket to this year's summit at DomSubdynamics.com. Let's get into it. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living Podcast. Hey everyone, I am Alessandra and I am the creator of Dom Sub Living, and I am the host of the Dom Sub Dynamics Virtual Summit. And I help new and experienced dominance and submissives live the BDSM lifestyle to the fullest. And I'm here today with my Dom Jay.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Hey everyone, I'm real excited to be here today to talk about protocols with you all. It's going to be a lot of fun.

SPEAKER_01 1:04

So how about we dive right in?

SPEAKER_00 1:06

Sure. Sounds good. So, like we said, we're going to be doing a presentation all about creative protocols for every dynamic. This is going to be a lot of fun. We got a lot of information for you to share today. And also don't remember uh forget if you got the VIP pass, uh take lots of notes in your workbook because we're going to be covering a lot today.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

And we are Jay and Alessandra Madison from Dom Sub Living, and we are a 24-7 Dom Sub couple. That's us in the picture there. And we're also married. We've been married for, gosh, almost 25 years now. It's a long time, but we also have two children as well. Um, and as a Dom Sub couple, we've been in that dynamic for over a decade now. But we love helping new and experienced DOMs and subs to live the BDSM lifestyle to the fullest. And we do that through our courses and trainings and through summits. And um, one of the primary ways we do this is through our signature course um Dom Sub Training.

SPEAKER_00 2:14

So before we get started, let's talk about what really protocols are exactly. So a protocol is a structured behavior that reinforces power exchange. So think more than just rules here. It's more of behaviors, and again, the point is for it to reinforce your dynamic. So it can be subtle like morning greetings or elaborate, like a formal play routine. Really, though, you you can make it your own, and it's your relationship, and you know what it needs and what you want it to be. So think what can you have that will reinforce that, your end goal. So they also build anticipation and emotional connection and intentionality in your dynamic. So here's what we're gonna cover today. So we're gonna cover different protocols for different dynamics, like obviously, you know, a DDLG dynamic versus like a master slave or TPE. Each one's gonna have different protocols that fit those dynamics. And then we're gonna help you actually learn how to incorporate the protocols and share our biggest hacks and answer your questions and give you some kinky homework, even. So make sure you stick around through this whole thing, because in the end, we're gonna give you some homework to help you along your way.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

Yes. So now let's talk about where people go wrong with protocols. So these are the biggest mistakes we see with our students and clients. So mistake number one is just being too rigid or copying from someone else. So you see on Instagram maybe or hear on a podcast that someone has this protocol and you try to try it for your own. Um, another mistake we see is just doing too many protocols at once, and that just leads to overwhelm because we're we're human and we have lives outside of BDSM in kink, and so a lot of times it's not um sustainable. And that's the other mistake we see is that you just keep forgetting because you let life get in the way, and maybe it's a too complicated of a ritual or um a protocol that you do, and so it's just not sustainable. And then the last mistake we see is just thinking that protocols don't work for long-distance relationships, or if you're a parent, or if you're single, and then so you don't even try to have protocols. So let's get into it. Let's get into protocols for every dynamic. And so we really wanted to talk about every dynamic. And so we are going to be covering protocols for a lot of different types of relationships. So we're gonna go over bedroom-only relationships or doing protocols just during scenes. We're gonna talk about caregiver little relationships and the protocols that you can do during that. We're gonna talk about long-distance relationships and also this one's a popular one, high protocol and slave dynamics. Um, and then also disability and illness, because I know a lot of kinksters are dealing with um those things. And then discrete protocols. So protocols you can do in public or if you have kids, and then protocols for single DOMs and subs. And then we're also going to be talking about switches too. So we're going to be covering a lot. And we know this isn't all the protocols that are out there in the kink world, but a lot of the other um presenters during this summit are going to be covering a lot of things too. Like Dagger is going to be talking about pet play. So definitely check that one out. Um, Sunny is going to be talking about how to incorporate play in your DOM uh dynamics, so that's really good for brats. And Evie Lupine, too, is going to be talking about consensual non-consent relationships. So definitely check out those presentations as well.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

So let's get into this. So bedroom only dynamics or scenes. Here's some protocols you can have there. So permission to undress, scenes setup. So whoever's setting up the scene, they can have everything laid out, ready to go, have the room ready. Kneeling on entry upon entry there, so that one where the sub kneels it presents themselves to the DOM. And then there's eye contact control, and there's a collar ritual, and then designated safe word and gestures. And then no phones allowed. So we want to make sure that there's no disturbances. So having the phone on do not disturb or having it put away. But understandably, if it's someone you don't know really well, you may want to have your phone nearby. But again, definitely do not disturb. And then really, really important is the aftercare routines.

SPEAKER_01 7:11

Now let's talk about caregiver little dynamics. So this is things like daddy dom, little girl, or mommy dom, little boy, or honestly, there's like any combination you can think of. But so number one would be permission-based touch. So for the little to have to ask permission before they touch themselves. Um, the stuffy witness rule, this one's um something we actually do. So some of you know that I have a stuffy that is Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. And so when we have playtime, we have the protocol that Eeyore is either put on the nightstand or on a chair or something, but turned away so they are not corrupted. Um, and then three is the uh having a dress code for playtime. So maybe dressing a certain way or wearing certain type of undergarments or um diapers if you're wearing those. And then also meal and snack supervision. So maybe the the DOM has a protocol where they cut up their little's food or they eat it in a certain way or um on certain plates or sippy cups. And then a nickname protocol. So this is a little different than using honorifics like um, you know, sir or mistress. So this would be a nickname that the little has. So for example, if the little's name is Rebecca, then maybe they would during playtime or little time, they would go by Becky. Or if their name is Daniel, they would then go by Danny. So having this nickname protocol that you use for little time. And then lap sitting. So whenever the um the caregiver and the little are maybe having time together or talking, that the little sits on their lap. And then having some kind of bedtime routine. So whether that's bath time, story time, um, having a sippy cup. So whatever protocol works for you.

SPEAKER_00 9:19

So for long distance, so some of the things you can have are morning check-ins where the sub needs to check in with the DOM in the morning when they first wake up, daily outfit approval. So this can be done by texting, remote play assignments, and then journaling requirements. And those can either be the journal can be shared or just requiring the the submissive to journal and set communication times and then the nightly ritual. This can involve them having to complete certain tasks before they go to bed, and maybe a text message or a picture or something like that before they go to bed.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

Okay, so now let's move on to high protocol dynamics or slave dynamics. So um one popular one is having presentation for use, and so the slave would present their their body however their DOM wants them to, and just present it. And a lot of times the the DOM can then use it however they um like, that is within their dynamic, having title and speech restrictions, so using honorifics and only being able to say things in a certain way. Um, sometimes slaves will talk about themselves in the third person. And then having meal and drink protocols. So maybe they can only eat or drink uh a certain types of food or at certain times, and then permission to speak as well. Um, and they can just kind of ask, you know, may I have permission to speak? Um, and then this is a fun one, restricted furniture use. So maybe they're not allowed to sit on a chair or on the couch, and they have to sit on the floor by their master or mistress's feet. Um, some dynamics even have it where they're not allowed to sleep in the bed. They sleep on the floor. Um, another protocol is having the eyes down roll, so not being able to make eye contact, and also physical maintenance requirements. So maybe they have to groom themselves in a certain way and shave in a certain way or wax in a certain way.

SPEAKER_00 11:32

So disability and illness. So we get questions on this all the time, and you may not know this, but Alessandra actually suffers from some disabilities also. She's a cancer survivor, she has something called RSD or reflex sympathetic dystrophy. Um some of the things that she deals with, and she has a weakened immune system too, so illness is definitely an issue. She gets sick more often than uh than I do. So with adaptive positions, so you need to take into account whatever the disability is that you're you're dealing with. Like, for example, Alessandra, she cannot be on our tippy toes. Um, so if there's any kind of uh like standing um things we do in the scenes, I also have to make sure that her feet can be flat. So even if she's restrained, like arms above her head, like I have to make sure that her heels are on the ground and that she's not being caused any pain that way. And this can also uh apply for kneeling, uh making sure that you modify those positions for something that is doable. And then a daily health check-in. So this comes down to the communication, checking in with the submissive or the dominant, depending on which one is dealing with the disability, um, and letting them know w what's going on with them in that day, because you have good days and you have bad days, so you want to stay in communication with that. And self-care protocols, so making sure that you're taking care of yourself and or that the submissive is taking care of themselves if if they're the one. So again, this can go either way. It could be obviously the dominant or the or the submissive that has the disability. And that brings us to medication control or delegation. So the dominant can control the medication of the submissive to make sure that that those are being taken, or again, if the dominant is the one dealing with the disability, they can have delegated the medications to the submissive to make sure that that that gets handled. And then body writing. So if you can't do a lot of physical things, sometimes that's an easier one to do is just having like a Sharpie and writing affirmations or um different words on their body that the dominant has required. Verbal affirmations or mantras, so those can be helpful too to, like I said before, to help the the dynamic thrive. And then low force tools. So you think like electroplay or Wurttemberg wheel, something like that, and guided meditation. So keep in mind too, Jordan has a presentation on hypnosis, so you want to check that one out for sure.

SPEAKER_01 14:16

Okay, let's move on to discrete protocols. So these are protocols you can do no matter what your dynamic you're in, um, and if you're out in public, or if you have kids and you don't want them picking up on things. But um, so drink or or meal selection control. So, like if Jay and I are at a restaurant, he will order for me. Um, different walking positions. So having the the DOM lead or walk on um the side where the traffic is if you're walking on a sidewalk, um opening doors, so where the dominant always opens either, you know, the store door or the car door, the you know, the door for your home. Um and then also chastity cages or beno benoit balls, these are things you wear under your clothes, so people don't even know if you're wearing them. And then also along with that, and not even wearing undergarments. So um, one way to do this too is when your partner goes to the bathroom, you can tell them to take off their undergarments there, and then when they come out to hand them to the Dom. So that's something we've done. And then just having discrete honorifics that maybe only you know what it means. And a lot of times people just think you're being silly when you say these things. If you call your, you know, Dom Sir out in public, sometimes people just think you're being old-fashioned or silly. Um, I call Jay daddy a lot of the times, and people don't really think any anything of it. Our kids don't really think anything of it because he's the dad. Um, and then just permission requests. This is a big one. Just asking for permission is a way to keep the dynamic going, even when you're in public. Just saying, um, you know, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Is that okay? Um, so just little things like that. And then having constant touch. So whether you're holding hands or the submissive is holding, you know, the back of their dom's arm, or the dominant has their hands on their um submissive's the back of the submissive's neck or on their back, just having that constant touch to show the connection and the ownership.

SPEAKER_00 16:39

So for single DOMs and subs, a lot of people think you can't do these things if you don't have a partner. Well, you can. There's a few different ways. So one is self-collaring. So, yeah, a submissive could wear a collar even if they don't have a DOM. Orgasm control, so you can pick when you have your orgasms or not have your orgasms. Um, so self-discipline rituals can be rules about that you either do something or don't do something. You can set those kind of guidelines for yourself and stick to them, and then morning and night rituals, so you can have have your morning routine, you can have a nighttime routine and sticking to those, and then food, exercise, sleep protocols, so you can have, for instance, maybe set a menu for yourself for the next day and stick to it, or an exercise routine. You can have a set uh bedtime, so those are some things you can do, and then meditation and journaling. This is an important one for self-growth. So you can you can have that, and then learning or mentorship. So for submissive, you can learn take a course and learn, or for a dominant, you can take courses and learn things, or you can mentor uh other dominants. So service to others as submission. So submissive sometimes feel like if they don't have a partner, then they can't be submissive. Well, you can because you can volunteer to help others, you can help people, so you can be submissive in that way by serving other people through, again, like volunteer work, helping family. I mean, there's a million different ways you could do that.

SPEAKER_01 18:15

So hopefully, we covered a lot. So hopefully that gave you a bunch of ideas, and so many of those can overlap and apply to others. But one question we always get is well, what if me and my partner are both switches? And this is actually pretty common, but if you're switches, then protocols really need to be flexible. They need to be dynamic and clearly structured. So protocols should adapt to whoever it is that is leading at any given moment, but it should still reinforce the structure of the dynamic. So definitely don't think that you can't have protocols if you're two switches. You just need to be flexible and change as whoever's leading is changing, but it can be very rewarding and successful. But hopefully we didn't overwhelm you. But what are the actual steps to implementing protocols? Because now you have all of these ideas and you're probably wrote down 20 that you want to get started on today. But let's slow down a little bit and talk about how to actually implement this in real life.

SPEAKER_00 19:24

So the first step is to know your why. And think about the example of drinking water. A DOM will ask their sub to drink water, a certain amount of water a day. Well, why? Are they passing out from dehydration? Or, you know, what is the reason? And then define the details. So what's involved with this protocol? And you need to write it down because this has come back to bite me a few times where weeks are so down the road. Alexander will say, Well, you didn't say that. That's not what was part of the deal. And and I'll not have it wrote down, so I'll have a hard time discussing that. So write down everything so you know what exactly is involved. And then check in and review. So check in after a while, see how it's going. Is it working? Is it not working? So you want to have that communication. And then also don't forget rewards and punishments. So if it's not being done the way that you want it to, as the dominant, then you need to reward or punish to make sure that these things are done or to reward good behavior because it is getting done. And then recommit, revise, remove, replace. So find out if this is working during some some downtime where you have open communication, you may need to change something. You may need to completely remove it. Maybe you have to scrap the whole thing, whatever it, whatever you need to do, uh, to have that conversation of whether it's working or not working.

SPEAKER_01 20:56

Okay, so so that you can see what this looks like in real life, we're gonna share some protocols that we've had. So we had a protocol where I would text Jay before I ate because he works full-time and so I'd be at home. And so um, the why behind this was so that we can feel more connected around meals. Cause like I said, he'd be at at work for most of the time. And so we thought that me texting him for permission first before I ate, that that would help us to feel more connected. And it was very ritualistic too. It was almost like praying before a meal. So it it seemed like it was gonna be amazing. And so we wrote down all the details in the notes app in our phone so that way we made sure what was involved, we were both on the same page. And so I would be texting for permission to eat before breakfast and lunch and before snacks too. And then our set time to check in and review about this would be. On Sunday night when we had our regular weekly check-ins. And then for the reward or punishment, sadly, I ended up getting a punishment. I ended up getting a spanking because there was a couple times where I didn't text first, or he would end up texting me and say, Have you already eaten lunch yet? I didn't get a text. And there was a couple of times I was very hangry and I snapped at him a couple of times. So I did get a punishment spanking for that. So what we ended up having to do was revising this protocol. So me texting for permission before the meal and having to wait for his response just wasn't working. You know, I'm busy, he's busy at work, can't always get back to me. I have kids, I'm starving, and so I was snapping. And so we changed it so that I would text when I was able and let him know that I was eating lunch or I had just finished eating breakfast. So he was still able to feel more connected with me around meal time. So we still kept that why. That why was still important, and we were still able to reinforce that.

SPEAKER_00 23:16

So here's another protocol that went a completely different direction. So this one was for nightly kneeling while apart. So the reason for this was to remember her submission and our DS dynamic. And the reason for this was for a long time I worked out of town. I was gone from Monday through Thursday night. So we needed something to keep the bond strong. So the protocol was she would kneel by the bed for two minutes every night and meditate. And this was in our notes app, so it was clear what the expectation was. And then we would check in with it on Thursday evening, because that's usually when I would be home. So we would talk about how the week went and making sure that these things were being done, that the kneeling was happening and exactly as she was instructed. And happy to report she was doing it, and so her reward was DDLG time on the weekends. We would get together, watch Disney Plus, whatever she would want to do for her little time, read stories, um, things like that. And then we would check in and talk about it, and we decided to keep this going because it was working. We didn't need to make any changes, it was helping, it was achieving our why. It was helping her to remember her submission and it was strengthening our bond.

SPEAKER_01 24:31

Now let's go over some protocol FAQs. These are some of the biggest questions we get. So a lot of times people will ask us, how many protocols should I have? Should I have five, 10, 20? Well, the the answer is you need to have as many protocols as makes sense for your dynamic. And everyone's dynamic is different. Because if you have too few protocols, then there's really no structure. But if you have too many, then it's very overwhelming. So a good rule of thumb is just to start with a couple protocols and then see what works. Again, do all those steps in that infographic and then just adjust as needed. The next question we get is what should I do if my DOM stops enforcing protocols? So always talk to them, communicate with them. DOMs aren't mind readers, and sometimes life gets in the way for them. They're busy with a million things. So you can just simply say, hey, I've noticed our protocols have been kind of slipping. Do we need to adjust them, recommit to them? And that really just opens the conversation. But I will say, if you keep bringing this up, you keep kind of just saying, hey, I've noticed this has been going on. What do you think we should do? And if it just keeps happening over and over, then you might need to call an outside help. And definitely check out Rachel Wright's presentation where she's talking all about how to go about working with and finding a kink-friendly therapist because that is always an option.

SPEAKER_00 26:06

So can subs suggest protocols? Definitely, absolutely. Submission, remember, isn't about being silent, it's about serving the dynamic. So if a protocol would help you feel more owned, structured, or connected, suggest it. A good DOM is going to listen and decide what fits in the relationship. So there have been protocols in the past that Alessandra has suggested and it went great. So and I was actually impressed sometimes by the things that she would come up with. So submissives definitely can suggest protocols.

SPEAKER_01 26:40

And then can DOMs have protocols? So yes, you have protocols, right? So DOMs need structure too. A protocol can help a DOM to stay consistent, it can help reinforce their authority and build habits that strengthen the dynamic because power exchange goes both ways. It's not just about rules for the SAB. So yes, DOMs can have protocols too. So today you learned that number one, protocols can fit any dynamic. We shared a ton of different dynamics, even for single people, even for switches. So protocols really can happen in any dynamic you're in. And then two, you learned a ton of ideas for how to create protocols. I think I think we shared like over 50 protocols that you can have. So definitely, I hope you took notes in your workbook. If you're a VIP PASS member, I hope you took screenshots too, because we covered a lot. And then three, we covered how to use protocols to improve your dynamics. So you learned all the steps and even what to do if a protocol doesn't work, and what to do if you want to keep going with the protocols you do have.

SPEAKER_00 27:55

So we talked about earlier, and here is your homework. Pick one new protocol to implement and schedule when to evaluate it. And then ask and share in the private community for some new ideas if you're not sure what that protocol can be.

SPEAKER_01 28:10

And thank you for joining us. I hope you learned a lot about protocols today.

SPEAKER_00 28:15

So again, yep, thanks for joining us, and we'll see you all later.