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If you've been curious about having a more structured Dom Sub Lives channel but have no idea where to actually start, or if you're already in a dynamic but things feel a little stale lately, this episode is exactly what you need. Because today I'm giving you five protocols that are easy, meaningful, and doable that you can use starting today. Not someday, today. Like today, today. So let's get started. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living podcast. Hey, it's Alessandra, and these five protocols I'm giving you are genuinely easy. They don't require any special equipment, and I'm going to walk you through each one, share what's worked in my own dynamic and what hasn't worked and has gone hilariously sideways, because that's real life. And one of these protocols, I've actually had trolls come for me about it online. I'll tell you exactly what happened and why I think it says a lot more about them than it does about me. But first, let's get you something you need. Before we get into protocol number one, I want to make sure you grab my free BDSM protocols list. It has over 20 ideas on it, way more than what we're covering today. Go to domsubliving.com slash protocols. The links in the description too. Save it, screenshot it, write it on your hand if you have to. It is completely free and it's packed with a lot of kinky ideas. So that's domsubliving.com slash protocols. Okay, now let's get into it. Let's start with the protocol that sounds the simplest because it is simple, but simple doesn't mean it won't change things for you. So protocol number one is use their title. So sir, ma'am, daddy, mistress, baby girl, little one, whatever title fits your dynamic, whatever words the two of you have agreed on, those words are a protocol. And if you're not using them consistently, you are leaving power on the table, basically. Here's what I mean. Every time the word leaves your lips, something shifts. It's tiny, it's quiet. Nobody in the grocery store knows it's happening, but inside your dynamic, it's doing real work. It's an anchor, it pulls you back into the dynamic in real time. You can't say, yes, sir, the way you'd say, sure, whatever. There's an intentionality to it, a presence. It makes you aware of who you are in this relationship and who they are. And when you do it consistently enough, that awareness becomes part of how you move through your day together. Now, this is where most people start. This is the classic beginner protocol, and there's a reason for that. It's because it works and it's accessible and it doesn't require any props or pre-planning. You just have to say the word. But I want to talk about where this protocol actually gets hard. Because it's not in the easy moments. It's not when you're feeling cute and kinky and everything is flowing. That's when it's easy. The title slides out naturally. It feels good. But the hard version is when you're frustrated, when you're in a disagreement, when something happened and you're not in a good headspace, and the last thing you feel like doing is referring to them by a title. And here's a confession. In the early days of our dynamic, the second my partner and I hit any kind of friction, the first thing to go was his title. I would go from yes, sir, to Jay, his actual first name. So like the dynamic just evaporated and I kind of just stepped out of it. And I get it. When we're upset, we want to be equals in the argument. There's something in us that doesn't want to be in a power exchange in that moment. We just want to be two people having a good-natured fight. I understand that impulse completely. But what I found over time is that staying with the title, even during conflict, actually made everything smoother. It didn't fix it completely, but it made it smoother in terms of how we came out on the other side. Because the title was a reminder. Like we chose this. We trust each other. Even right now, in this hard moment, we trust each other. I also started doing something during conflict that helped me a lot when I had something I needed to say, like something that felt charged, something I wasn't sure how to get out. So I would start to ask for permission to say it. Like literally, I would say, may I have permission to speak freely, sir? And I know that sounds military and formal. And yeah, when I started doing it, it felt really awkward, but it changed the whole feel of difficult conversations. It signaled that I wasn't going rogue. And it gave my Dom a moment to prepare himself so he could receive what was coming. And it gave me a second to make sure I actually wanted to say what I was about to say the way I was about to say it. So if you don't have titles in your dynamic yet, pick one. Talk to your partner, make it official, and then commit to using it, especially in the moments it feels the hardest. That's where it actually builds something. Okay, protocol number two. And this is genuinely one of the ones I feel the most strongly about because it has the power to keep your dynamic alive, even on the most ordinary, boring, busy, nothing special days. So protocol number two is a good morning and good night ritual. Now, before you say we already do this, let me be clear. Something that signals that the dynamic is on and that, you know, you're saying to your partner, I see you, I'm here, we're doing this. In our dynamic, the morning ritual has looked different at different points in our lives. Right now, when we're together and waking up at the same time, it's physical. So in the morning, I will kneel on the bed and I ask permission to get out of bed. And at night, it's kind of the reverse. I kneel on the floor and ask for permission to get in bed. That might sound like a lot if you're early in your journey and that's completely okay. You don't have to start there. You could start with a text. So something short, something specific, um, something that's yours. So it could be good morning, sir, how can I serve you today? Or good morning, daddy, I'm yours today. Even just a specific phrase that you two have agreed on, the words matter less than the consistency. The point is that you are starting the day with the dynamic front and center. And I'll be honest, the days where we've completely skipped this, I noticed it. We we feel kind of off. Now, layered into this protocol is something that became incredibly important to us during a stretch when Jay was working out of town. So this is a daily report at the end of the day. So the way I did it, so every evening I would send him a message. It would include my mood, what I accomplished that day, something I was grateful for. Sometimes it was a paragraph, sometimes it was just like three bullet points. It didn't have to be elaborate, but it had to be honest. And what that did, and what I didn't fully expect it to do, was it kept us connected in a way that normal texting just doesn't. So normal texting is logistics, like did you eat? When are you home? You know, the kids need X, Y, and Z. But the daily report at the end of the day was real intimacy. It was me opening a window into my internal world and handing him the view of it. And on his end, it gave him something to lead from. He could respond with a direction or a reminder or a question. Sometimes he would just text me back and say, I'm proud of you. All of those things land differently when they're coming in the context of a structured check-in versus just a random message midday. Also, I want to say this protocol is flexible. If morning is chaos in your house because of kids and work and commutes, then maybe the morning piece is just a simple text, and then the real ritual lives at night. So that's totally valid. Design it around your actual life, not an idealized version of it. But the question I want you to sit with is what is one thing you can do every morning and every night that says, I'm in this dynamic with you today? Start there. All right. Protocol three is the one that got me trolled. And I have to say, the trolls actually helped me understand something important about why this protocol actually works. So let me explain. So protocol number three is the sub waits for the dominant to begin eating before they start their meal. I'm gonna tell you the troll story. I have to, it's it's too good and too important not to. So a while back, I mentioned on a previous episode that I wait until my dominant starts eating before I eat, and that this is a protocol you can practice even in public, even at a family dinner, even with your kids at the table, because it looks like nothing to anyone on the outside. You're just sitting there, you're waiting, you're being present, and then the comments came in. So there was a lot of them. People were saying I was doing something sexual in front of my children, and I made the classic mistake of responding to them. I know better, I really do, but it's just in my nature that if I think someone just doesn't understand, like I want to explain. I want to say, here's what's actually happening, and I hope that once they understand it, they'll see differently. So I said exactly that. I said, we're sitting at a family dinner table. My husband picks up his fork, and I wait until he takes his first bite before I take mine. That is literally it. There is nothing sexual happening in my brain or his brain. I am watching him put salt and pepper on his food. I am thinking about whether I remembered to turn off the oven. I am not in some kinky mental BDSM space. And their responses were, well, it's still sexual because you're thinking about the dynamic. And I just had to step back because no. Waiting for someone to begin eating before you do is a sign of respect. Hosts do it, guests do it in many cultures around the world. Adult children do it with their parents. It's a basic social practice. The fact that in my case, it also carries the weight of the DS dynamic does not make it sexual. It just makes it meaningful. But I think me trying to explain it in the comments and going back and forth with them just made it worse. And then the algorithm picked it up because of the high engagement, and they showed it to even more internet trolls. But, anyways, here's what's interesting. I've gotten so used to this protocol that I do it with my kids now, too. I don't take a bite until I see them eating, and I've noticed them starting to do the same thing with relatives or with their friends. They just see it as being courteous because, like, that's what it is. So, why does this protocol work for a DOM sub-dynamic specifically? Because it's a physical act of submission that happens sometimes multiple times a day. Every meal is a reminder, every meal is a quiet acknowledgement of the dynamic that lives entirely inside your two minds. Nobody at the table knows. Your friends at Olive Garden or Applebee's don't know. Your in-laws at Thanksgiving don't know. Only you two know. And that private shared awareness of your dynamic, that is its own form of intimacy. So if you want a protocol that travels with you everywhere and requires zero props and keeps your dynamic quietly present throughout your entire day, that is it. Now, protocol four is the one most people think of first when they hear DS protocols. And there are two ways to do it, and one of them went hilariously wrong for us. I'll tell you which one and exactly what happened. Now, protocol four, like I said, has two parts that connect to the same idea. So it's using clothing or a physical object to anchor you to the dynamic throughout the day. So the first version is the DOM chooses what the sub wears. This could be the full outfit, it could be one specific item, like even a pair of socks or a dress or an accessory. It could be underwear, like yes, underwear, which is exactly what we tried. So in theory, it was super cute, super intimate. The idea of my partner Jay, you know, having that kind of access to my morning, like I loved it. But in practice, I am not a person who gives herself enough time to leave the house. In fact, many a punishment has been for me not being on time when we have to go somewhere. So picture this. I am in my bedroom, I am fully naked, and I'm holding my phone, and I have photographed three different pairs of panties and sent them to my partner. And now I'm just standing there waiting for him to respond and pick one. And he is a grown man with a job, he does robe construction, so he's not just sitting by his phone at 8 a.m. waiting to dictate my underwear situation. So we retired that one, or at least we adjusted it. If you want to do this protocol and it sounds appealing, and it is appealing to do it, just build in extra time. So give yourself a buffer or pick the options the night before and let your DOM choose then. You can make it work. We just had to figure out the logistics first. Now, in the second version of this closed protocol, it's wearing a symbolic item. And it's the one I feel the most deeply about because this one has no logistical complications like the underwear thing. So with an accessory, you just put it on, you wear it, it's there all day. So for us, it's my collar. I wear a day collar 24-7. From the outside, it looks like a, you know, kind of like delicate little necklace. Like nobody gives it a second look, but I know what it is, and my dom knows what it is. And every time I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror or feel it against my neck, it does the same thing a title does. It anchors me. It tells me like I'm in a dynamic. I chose this, I'm his. We also have a play collar that is a completely different energy. It's thick black leather, it has an O-ring, it can have rope attached to it, um, different extenders can attach to it, my cuffs can attach to it. It's a completely different purpose and a completely different feel. And one of my favorite protocols we have, one that I didn't even think of as a protocol at first, but absolutely is now, is that before we start a scene or a play session, Jay, my partner, will put that collar on me. He does it himself. It's slow, it's intentional. And in that moment, before anything else has happened, there is a clear signal that we are crossing a threshold, that the scene is beginning. That act of him placing it around my neck has become one of my favorite parts of any scene. It's a transition ritual. And transition rituals matter. They tell your nervous system that something is shifting. They help you leave behind whatever your day was and just drop into the dynamic fully. And that's the same for both the DOM and the sub. So, for this protocol, if you have a collar or a piece of jewelry that holds meaning for you, start wearing it or start putting it on your partner. And if you don't, talk to your partner about what that item could be. It doesn't have to be expensive, it just has to mean something to you. Okay, we're at the last protocol, and this is the one I saved for last on purpose because it is the deepest on this list. It asks the most of you, and I'm going to be really honest with you about how we had to adjust it before it actually worked for us. So, protocol number five is asking permission. This is the one that gets at the real heart of power exchange. And not because it's the flashiest or the most visible, it's actually one of the most invisible from the outside. But inside the dynamic, it changes the shape of things in a way that the other protocols kind of build toward. So asking permission for what? Well, that depends on your dynamic. In ours, there are a few things I ask permission for: spending over a certain dollar amount, leaving the house, having a snack that I hadn't planned on. Like if I'm out and I want to grab a coffee or a sweet treat, I'll check in first. And orgasms. I'm going to talk about that one specifically because I think the way we handle it is actually a really useful example. So when we first set up this protocol, the the rule was simple. Ask before. If I wanted to self-pleasure, I asked for permission first. And I struggled big time with it and more than I expected to, because here's what would happen. My dom would be at work. I'd reach out and text him and ask. And then even if he said yes, I would kind of spiral. I'd be in my head thinking, is he going to want an update? Is he sitting there waiting to hear how it went? Am I taking too long? Is this weird? Am I being weird? And then I get so far into my thoughts that the whole thing derailed. And I would text him, never mind, or false alarm. There was performance anxiety in a situation that should have zero performance pressure. So we talked about it and we changed it. So now instead of asking before, I have to let him know after. And that single Adjustment made this protocol actually function for us. He's still aware, I'm still practicing transparency, he's involved, the dynamic is still intact, but I'm not derailed by trying to navigate real-time play-by-plays and check-ins. So I share that example, not because I think you should do it the way we do it, but because I want you to understand something about protocols that I think is really important. A protocol that isn't working for your dynamic is not a failure. It's just information. It's telling you something about what you actually need versus what you thought you needed when you set it up. Protocols should be revisited. They should evolve. The goal is never rigid rule following for its own sake. The goal is presence and awareness, a continuous lived acknowledgement of the dynamic you've chosen. And if the idea of asking permission for something feels like too big a jump right now, then start smaller. Start with just letting your partner know. So not asking, just informing. Like, hey, I'm going to the store, or I just wanted you to know I had a snack. I know a lot of people struggle with asking for permission when they used to be in very controlling relationships. So changing it this way, you're you're still building the habit of transparency. You're still orienting your actions in the direction of your partner. That is the spirit of this protocol, even before you get to the formal version of it. What matters is that your partner has visibility into your choices, that you're making those choices with the dynamic in mind. That's the whole point. So here's what I want you to take away from today. Protocols aren't just rules, they're the daily practice of a dynamic. And daily practice is what makes something real. Because a DS dynamic doesn't live in the big moments. It lives in the small stuff, the title you use in the middle of a heated discussion, the text before you go to sleep, the pause at the dinner table, the collar the sub wears while they're out running errands and asking for permission or just checking in, even if it's not something huge. These five protocols are not complicated. They're not extreme. They're available to you right now in whatever stage of your dynamic you're in. So pick one, commit to it for a week, then come find me on social media or inside our community at domsubliving.com/slash community and tell me what happened. I genuinely want to know. And don't forget your free protocols list. There's over 20 ideas. It's completely free, and you can grab it at domsubliving.com/slash protocols. The link is in the description too. But thank you so much for being here. The fact that you show up and you listen and you do the work, that is exactly why I keep making these episodes. So until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.