One of the biggest lies in BDSM is that dominance comes naturally. It doesn't. Most new dominants spend months doing the exact same thing: watering themselves down, apologizing for their own preferences, and second-guessing every decision they make because they're terrified of becoming the stereotypical DOM everybody rolls their eyes at. And ironically, that's usually the very thing that's killing their dynamic. So today I'm going to show you five ways to be more dominant without becoming an asshole. Welcome to the Dom Subliving podcast. Hey, it's Alessandra, and if you're brand new here, hi, welcome. You found your people. This show is for anyone who is in or curious about or actively building a dominant and submissive relationship. We talk about power exchange, BDSM dynamics, the real day-to-day of DS life, and we do it without shame, without judgment, and without sugarcoating. And today I wanted to talk about what I hear from my students constantly, and I mean constantly. This might be the number one concern I get from people who are new to the dominant role. And I even hear it from people who have been in the lifestyle for a while. They come to me and they say, Alessandra, I want to be more dominant. I want to actually lead this dynamic, but I'm scared. I don't want to come across as an abusive jerk. I don't want to push my submissive away. I don't want to be the kind of dominant that uses power as an excuse to be controlling or mean or just an asshole. And every single time someone says that to me, I want to tell them that that fear and that worry, it actually tells me a lot about who you are. The people who are worried about being an asshole are almost never the ones who become one. It's the people who never ask that question that you have to watch out for. They just always assume they're totally fine and that they're just God's gift to submissives. But here's the problem: when that fear of being an asshole is running the show, you end up not showing up at all. You water down every instruction, you over-explain your decisions, you apologize for your own preferences before you even stated them, and you laugh nervously right after you give a command. And what ends up happening is your submissive doesn't feel led. They feel confused. Sometimes they actually start managing you and filling in the gaps and making decisions because no one else is. And then that all leads to the sub topping from the bottom or the DOM bottoming from the top. And that is the exact opposite of the dynamic you both want. So today I'm giving you five things. They're tangible and specific and actionable. And every single one of them will help you show up as more dominant without any of the asshole behavior that neither you or your sub signed up for. So first, point number one, be calm when things go wrong. Here's something I want you to really sit with. Anybody can feel powerful when everything is good and going according to plan. Like, what did Mike Tyson say? Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face. But let's say the scene is flowing beautifully, your submissive is in a great headspace, and everything just lands exactly the way you intended. That's fine and dandy. That's easy. That's the fun part. The real test of a dominant, and that actually defines your authority, is what happens when things fall apart. What do you do when a scene goes sideways, or when your submissive makes a mistake, or when your emotions get messy and it stops being sexy, and it's just hard when real life stress just kind of bleeds into your dynamic and you're tired and frustrated and you can see it all over your face. I have a student, I'll call him M. He came to me because his submissive had started pulling back from their dynamic. Like they didn't want to do scenes as often, they seemed distant and checked out. She said, When something goes wrong, you get this sharp edge in your voice, and I stop feeling safe. And I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. M wasn't yelling at her, he wasn't cruel, he wasn't doing anything dramatically wrong. But he had this kind of clipped, tense tone that showed up whenever he was stressed. And his submissive has started like associating scenes and protocols with the possibility of that energy. And so she kind of just been quietly avoiding them. So here's what I want you to understand in what I told my student. A calm dominant is a lot of times more intimidating than an angry one. Because when you stay steady, when things get hard, you are communicating something that no amount of commands ever could. You're saying, I've got this, you're safe with me. So how do you actually do this in practice? Well, when something goes wrong in a scene or you have a disagreement, lower your voice instead of raising it. Slow down instead of speeding up. If you need a moment, take one. All you have to say is, give me a second. This is one of the most dominant things you can say. It's not weakness, it's just regulation. It's proof that you are in control of yourself, which is the first step to being in control of someone else. And in protocols or in daily life, it's the same principle. If your submissive makes a mistake, the correction lands so much harder when it comes from a calm, steady place than when it comes out in a burst of frustration. Like, man, my Dom can have me in a submissive, obedient puddle if he just lowers his voice and talks slowly to me. So save the intensity for the moments that actually call for it. Now, point two is something I talk about constantly in my community because it's the cause of so much unnecessary conflict in DS relationships, and it has nothing to do with dominance or submission. It has to do with something much more basic. So here's what I mean. So point number two is make your expectations crystal clear. I cannot tell you how many dynamics have been a struggle because the dominant was too vague. Here's what that actually looks like. So let's say a dominant wants their submissive to greet them when they come home. Maybe they're thinking like kneeling, maybe a specific phrase, maybe just eye contact and silence. Whatever it is, they have a picture in their head of how they want it to go. But they never say it out loud. They assume their submissive will just feel it and figure it out and just know. So the submissive doesn't do it the quote unquote right way. And the dominant gets cold and distant, the submissive feels punished but doesn't know why. And then tension starts to build, and nobody talks about it. And after a few weeks of this, the submissive starts to feel like they can never do anything right. And the dominant feels like their submissive just doesn't care. And when it finally comes out, the submissive says, I didn't know that's what you wanted. And the dominant says, I thought it was obvious. It was not obvious, it was assumed. So here's the reframe I want to give you. Clarity is not a lack of dominance. Clarity is an act of leadership. When you tell someone exactly what you expect and you do it calmly and specifically, you are giving them a real chance to actually succeed. You're setting them up to please you. That is dominant behavior. The vague dominant who punishes for unspoken roles isn't powerful. They're just confusing. And confusion just erodes trust faster than almost anything else in a DS dynamic. I tell my dominance, I coach that you need to set your submissive up to succeed, not to fail. So say what you want, not just what you don't want. So saying something like, I don't like how that went is not an expectation, but saying, when we're in the dynamic, I want you to ask permission before you speak during a scene. That's an expectation. So give it once clearly without being wishy-washy. And if you find yourself repeating and nagging and escalating, before you react, go back and honestly ask yourself, was my expectation actually clear? Or did I just assume they already knew? And like all things in this lifestyle, this matters inside scenes and outside them. So be clear and to the point. Use your words, be intentional every time. Now, number three is the one that makes a lot of dominance push back when I bring it up because it feels like it should actually hurt your authority. But I'm going to show you why it does the exact opposite. So, point number three is own your mistakes without losing your authority. And I hear this objection all the time. Like, if I admit I was wrong, won't my submissive lose respect for me? Doesn't that undermine my position? And my answer is always the same. Authority built on ego is fragile, but authority built on integrity is stable. Think about the dominance you genuinely respect, like in your life, in the community, like in any context. I bet they're not people who are never wrong. They're people who handle being wrong with that same steadiness and maturity that they bring to everything else. They don't collapse and spiral when they make a mistake. They don't get defensive. They just own it and keep moving. I remember a long time ago, my Dom kind of misjudged something in the scene. And he pushed close to a limit that we had discussed, but we didn't really firmly establish it. And I ended up using my safe word. And afterward, instead of defending himself or justifying it or turning it into a conversation about how I should have communicated better, he just said, I misjudged that. That's on me. I want to talk about what happened and make sure I fully understand where your lines are. And wow, that was one of the things that helped me trust him completely and want to submit and go even farther with him. So it's not the impressive scenes and not the strict protocols. It was the moment that he said, I was wrong. And here's the thing: you can own a mistake and still be the one in charge. And actually doing it well reinforces that you are the one in charge because you're modeling the exact kind of accountability and honesty you want from your submissive. You cannot ask for vulnerability and trust from someone. You're not willing to offer that to yourself. So the next time you get something wrong, and you will, because we all do, resist the urge to defend or deflect. Just say it plainly, say what you're going to do differently, and just move forward. That is dominance. Okay, point number four is shift your mindset. And I mean some very specific shifts. So a lot of aspiring dominants are actually undermining themselves before they ever give an instruction. And it has to do with what's going on internally for them. And it really shows your submissive can feel it even when you don't say anything. So here are three patterns I see constantly. And I want you to honestly check whether any of these are your patterns. So pattern one is shrinking and over-apologizing for your preferences. So you want something done a certain way. And instead of saying it, you hem and ha until it just barely exists. Like you say, I kind of like it when you do X, Y, and Z, but it's totally fine if you don't want to. That's not stating a preference. That's asking for permission to even have one. You do not need permission to know what you want. Say it like you mean it. And then pattern two is asking permission for things within your agreed dynamic. If you and your partner have established a Dia structure together, you do not need to check in every five minutes about whether it's okay to be dominant right now. My dominant actually did that a lot in the very beginning of our dynamic, and it absolutely drove me nuts. So that constant second guessing actually creates more anxiety for your submissive, not less. Obviously, stay in tune with them, obviously communicate everything, but there is a real difference between checking in because you care and checking in because you're afraid of your own role. Learn to tell the difference. And then pattern three is constantly justifying your standards. So, say you have a preference for how your space is kept or how you're spoken to or how certain rituals are done. You don't owe anyone a 10-minute explanation for why. Stating a standard and then feeling like you have to defend it at length, it just signals that you're not sure you're allowed to even feel that way or have that preference. So say it, hold it, let it stand on its own. So the mindset underneath all three of these is the same. Like you're not sure you're allowed to be this person. But what I want to tell you is yes, you are. That's exactly why you're here. Now, real quick before we get into the fifth way to be more dominant without being an asshole. If you have been wanting to step fully into your dominant role, but you're not sure where to start, I have something free for you. It's called How to Be a Good Dom. It's a quick start guide, and you can grab it right now at Domsubliving.com slash Dom. A lot of my students tell me it's the thing that finally made it all click for them. So go get it, domsubliving.com slash dom. The link is in the description too. Okay, we've been saving the most tactical point for last. So point five is all body language. So your body is already communicating. The only question is what is it saying? You can do everything else right and like have clear expectations, a calm energy, a strong mindset, and you can still walk into a room and immediately undermine all of it with your body language because presence is felt before anything is said. Like before you open your mouth, your submissive is already reading you, and so is everyone else in the room. So I'm going to break this down into five specific things really quick. Just start with one or two, though. You don't need to overhaul everything at once. So, one, posture and taking up space. So stand up straight, sit all the way back in your chair, plant your feet. A lot of aspiring dominants unconsciously make themselves physically smaller because they're afraid of coming across as arrogant. And it really does show. So make sure you have good posture and take up space. And then two, slow down your movements. Like nervous people move fast, confident people don't. When you rush, you just signal anxiety. But when you move deliberately, you signal that you're not in a hurry because you don't need to be. So walk a little slower, reach for things like you mean to. And after you give an instruction, don't rush to fill the silence. Just let your words land. But basically just stop moving around like you're late for something. And then three is eye contact. So hold eye contact a second longer than it feels comfortable. So I'm not talking about staring, but just staying present. Most people break eye contact because they're uncomfortable. But dominant presence comes from being comfortable holding someone's attention. And here's a little bonus tip: don't look away first. When you're making a point or giving an instruction to your sub, hold it. The person who looks away first is usually subconsciously being submissive. It's a tiny shift, but it has a big impact. And then four is your voice. So drop your pitch, slow your pace, nervous voices go up and speed up, regulated voices drop and slow down. Ending statements like questions makes you sound like you're uncertain. So say what you mean like you've already decided it's true. And then pause. So after an instruction, after a correction, stop talking. Like let it land. Silence creates space. Now, if you want to know what to say and how to say it, and also how to talk dirty. If you're an all access past member, you have access to the dominant speech workbook and speech templates. Definitely use that. And you have access to a whole training on dirty talk to. So definitely go into your dashboard and access that if you're a member. Okay, and then just one more tip to be more dominant. So five is stop nervous laughing. So nervous laughing is one of the most common things I see in new dominance, and it completely undoes the energy they're trying to build. So you give an instruction and then you laugh. So like go kneel for me. Um, I guess I'll lie on the bed. See how like weird that is. I can barely even imitate it. So I can almost guarantee that if you laugh like that, you are probably giving your submissive the ick. So let your words stand on their own. Now let's bring it all together. So here's the five ways to be more dominant without being an asshole. So one, be calm when things go wrong. That's where real authority actually shows. And then two, make your expectations crystal clear. Clarity is leadership. And then three, own your mistakes without losing your authority. Integrity holds longer than ego ever will. And then four, shift your mindset. So stop shrinking, stop justifying, step into your role that you have already chosen. And five, let your body do the work. So posture, pace, eye contact, voice, and lose that nervous laugh. None of these ways require you to be cold, though. None of them require you to be controlling or distant or someone you're submissive is afraid of in the wrong way. What they require is that you decide to show up as the dominant you want to be, and then practice it until it becomes who you are. And here's the thing I want to leave you with. So that fear you have about coming on too strong, that fear is actually part of what makes you a good dominant. The awareness behind it and the care behind it. That's exactly what your submissive needs from you. Now you just need to channel it into action instead of letting it hold you back. If you want to go deeper on this, grab that free quick start guide, how to be a good dom. It's at domsubliving.com/slash dom. It's a great companion to everything we talked about today, and it's a solid foundation if you're building your dominant role from the ground up. If today's episode was useful to you, leave a review if you haven't yet. It takes about 30 seconds and it genuinely helps more people find this show. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Subliving.