SPEAKER_00 0:00

I asked five of the biggest BDSM educators the exact same question. What's the one thing most people get wrong that nobody talks about? Now, I expected five completely different answers, but what surprised me was that they all pointed to almost the exact same mistake. And I'm sorry, but it's probably one you're making too. Let's hear what they had to say. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living podcast. I'm super excited that you're spending time with me today, and not just me today, but with several other kinksters like you who were all beginners at one time and who have seen lots of people struggle along the way and get lots of things wrong in this lifestyle. That's what this episode is about. This is a unique episode. I'm bringing multiple clips from several different kink educators in the online BDSM world. And I'll be chiming in after each of them just to talk a little bit deeper about what they had to say. And I'll tell you exactly what they're going to talk about in just a second. But yeah, I it did take a lot of time to put this together, but I thought it would be fun to ask the same question to different kink experts out there who are living the BDSM lifestyle, who have found success with it, and who would love to share their insights with those who are just starting out too. That's what this episode is about. I've had the privilege of personally working with each of these amazing people, and some of their answers really hit home for me, and some made me crack up laughing too. But I'm going to share their name, who they are, and where you can find them so you can actually connect with that person online. And I'm also going to share their answer to the question: what's the one thing most people in BDSM get wrong that no one talks about? Like I said earlier, I'll chime in a little bit afterwards for each one, and then we'll wrap it up. All right, here we go. Here is the first one. This is Justine Cross. Um, she actually lives here in the LA area like me. We're friends in real life. I've been to her amazing dungeons. She's not only an educator, but also a pro-dom. And you can find her at thustincross.com. You can sign up for her newsletter there and grab her free videos and find all her other goodies there. But here she is.

SPEAKER_05 2:39

So Alessandra asked me, what do people get wrong the most about BDSM? Besides not hiring me? No. Okay. So I think the thing that I see most in my 20 years of experience of being in BDSM is people are really um sometimes I guess I get a lot of the overthinkers. So people are always very concerned, am I doing this right? And I just want everyone to know that as long as you are not harming yourself or harming somebody else, harm is different from hurt, then you're doing it right. You know, uh there's a lot of different ways that people involve themselves with BDSM. And the only ways that it is ever going to be wrong is when you harm someone. So the two things that we always say don't do is don't do breath play by yourself and don't ever leave anyone tied up and alone, because that is how people end up not making it. That's called death play, known in murder in some circles. So yeah, we don't want doing that. But BDSM is so wonderful. It's called play. It's called play for a reason. You get to do all kinds of fun stuff in BDSM between consenting adults who have agreed to do BDSM. So play. Do different things with different toys. Try different things. Just try it. You just you don't have to stick with it. But there's this is life is a rich tapestry. So I just strongly encourage you to play and enjoy. And as long as you're not harming yourself or somebody else, then you're getting it right. You're getting it right. It's okay. It's you're I tie a knot differently than you know my partner ties a knot or something. But as long as I'm not harming that person, then you're okay. Well, I hope you do a lot of right things in BDSM and don't do anything wrong because mistress will punish you. Um, but only if you uh, you know, come by and see me sometime.

SPEAKER_00 4:43

So that was Justine Cross. And again, you can connect with her at thejustinecross.com. And she is freaking hilarious. I I love her so much, but I really liked what she said because I think so many people overcomplicate BDSM. We spend so much time worrying about whether we're doing it right, whether we're submissive enough or dominant enough, or whether our relationship looks enough like what we see online. But BDSM isn't a performance. It isn't about checking boxes. Um, I also appreciated that she reminded us that safety is where the real roles are. As long as you're practicing informed consent and communicating and not putting yourself or someone else in unnecessary danger, there's room to experiment and discover what actually works for you. I love that she kept coming back to that one simple idea that it's called play for a reason. And sometimes I think we all need that reminder. Next up is Luna from Submissive Guide. She is one of the OGs in the blogging space. So many subs and DOM started out by learning from her. You can find her at submissiveguide.com, but she also has an amazing guided workbook called the Submissives Toolkit, and that can help you grow the core submissive skills you need and deepen your self-awareness. But let's see what she had to say.

SPEAKER_03 6:19

The thing that gets misunderstood, especially when you're newer to submission, is that being submissive does not mean our identity should disappear in the dynamic. There's this romanticized idea that when we submit, we hand everything over. Our choices, our needs, our limits, our voices, even our sense of self somehow gets folded up into what the dominant wants. And from the outside, that can sound romantic and it can feel powerful in fantasy. But in real-life power exchange, that kind of thinking can become dangerous very quickly. Just because you start identifying as someone submissive does not mean you stop being yourself. You are still responsible for knowing and caring for yourself, understanding your limits, and communicating your needs. You should still be encouraged to develop your personal skills, enjoy your hobbies, and build a life that brings you joy. And when something feels off, you should feel empowered to say, I need clarification, or I need to pause, or this isn't working for me. Having that personal responsibility, I believe, makes submission stronger. Because healthy submission is not about becoming empty so someone else can fill in the blanks, and you don't need someone to break you just so you can be remade. It's about bringing your full self into the dynamic with intention, including the positive and imperfect parts of yourself, so that submission has something real to grow from. A dominant may lead and a submissive may surrender, but both people are responsible for the power that they are exchanging. Because submission is not about just obedience and pleasing someone else. It's also about learning who you are, what you're offering, what you need, and how to participate in your dynamic as a whole person. Because the goal of submission is not to disappear into somebody else's desires. It's about bringing your whole self to the table with intention and offering it from a place of trust.

SPEAKER_00 9:55

So that was Luna from Submissive Guide. And again, you can connect with her at submissiveguide.com and also grab her submissives toolkit. And she is just so sweet. And I really love this one because I think newer submissives especially can start believing that submission means losing themselves. And I can completely understand why, because a lot of the content online can make it seem like your only purpose is making your dominant happy. But a healthy DS relationship actually requires two whole people. Your needs matter, your limits still matter, your hobbies, your friendships, your goals, they all still matter. Submission isn't about disappearing behind someone else. It's about intentionally offering who you already are. And I think that's such an important thing to remember. Now we have Maya from Obedience App. I love Obedience App. Me and my Dom have been using the Obedience App for years. I recommend it to all of my students and clients. You can actually download the app for free and try it out for yourself at ObedienceApp.com. I highly recommend it. But here she is.

SPEAKER_02 11:18

You cannot outsource your emotional regulation to your partner. If you do, you lose your autonomy, which only leads to problems in the dynamic. A DS dynamic is, after all, built on the foundation of a healthy relationship. Concept of differentiation explains that well. Schnark in their 2010s book on the topic explains differentiation as people's ability to balance humankind's two most fundamental drives. Our desire for attachment and connection on the one hand, and our desire to be an individual and direct the course of our own lives on the other. The latter refers to the ability to hold on to yourself when important people in your life pressure you to conform. Differentiation yields emotional autonomy, the basis of healthy independence and the foundation for intimacy and stability in long-term relationships. In other words, yes, the dynamic is supposed to make you feel safe and calm. However, a healthy dynamic cannot be an enmeshment of two souls. No matter how much sub friendly is making you want to devote your whole life to your dominant counterpart and lose all individuality, it's not good for you. What I mean by that is that it's not healthy for a dominant to be a replacement of your own emotional regulation skills. You can hand in your heart, sense of self, and senses to your dominant in a scene, but you need to be able to hold yourself outside of the scene on your own. Your anxiety is not a task for your dominant or submissive to fix. BDSM and Power Exchange can absolutely help you stay regulated through structure, through deep sensations, but first and foremost, you should be able to self-soothe and self-regulate.

SPEAKER_00 13:05

So that was Maya from Obedience App. And honestly, I think this is one of those topics we don't hear nearly enough about. It's really tempting when you're in a DS relationship to think your dominant is supposed to fix your anxiety or make every difficult emotion disappear. I know I fell into that trap when I first started out, but that's a huge amount of pressure to put on another person. Like she said, structure and rituals can absolutely help us feel grounded. My own dynamic has helped me through some like really difficult stuff in my life, but it's still my responsibility to learn healthy coping skills and emotional regulation outside of the dynamic, too. I think that's actually what makes a relationship stronger because both people are bringing stability into the relationship instead of expecting the other person to create it. Next up is Chris Maxwell Rose from Pleasure Mechanics, such an amazing name. And I've I've actually learned so much from them over the years. But you can find them at pleasuremechanics.com. You can check out all of their amazing things, like their really cool podcasts, their different courses, and all of their free content. But here's what they had to say.

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One thing I think we don't talk about often enough that leads a lot of us into dead-end dynamics and unsatisfying scenes is that we're encouraged to over-identify with our kinks. Identities can be places of belonging and celebrations of parts of ourselves. But when we over-identify with our kinks, we don't allow our full spectrum humanity. We don't allow a multiplicity and plurality of identities to emerge in different relational contexts and different phases of our lives. And most importantly, I think we cut off the intergenerational learning that has been at the heart of Kink for well generations. I might be the biggest, baddest top to my sweet submissive, but if I'm in a room full of Leatherdyke elders, I have a whole lot to learn and I best humble myself. And equally, we need models of identities and power dynamics that allow plurality and changeability given different contexts and conditions. It's really important to allow all of us full spectrum humanity and give the gift to our community of allowing us all to be many different things all at once. I love the phrase always becoming because it allows us to always become, always become different versions of ourselves, to grow and to change, to ask for things as they emerge as needs and wants, and to not give up or repress any part of ourself to serve some self-identity that is not serving us. Yes. Cheers.

SPEAKER_00 16:25

So again, that was Chris Maxwell Rose from Pleasure Mechanics. And man, that was just so beautiful. And I really appreciated this perspective because sometimes labels can become boxes. Like, yes, labels help us understand ourselves, they can help us find community, but they shouldn't stop us from growing. I've changed over the years. My DOM has changed, my dynamic has changed, my interests have changed. Even the way I teach BDSM has evolved as I've learned more and gained more experience. I think one of the healthiest things we can do is give ourselves permission to keep learning instead of feeling like we have to protect an identity we picked years ago. So you're allowed to evolve. And honestly, I hope that you do. Next up is Princess Rara from Pink Kink Podcasts. And yes, she loves the color pink and has tons of pink gear and equipment. But her website is pinkkinkpodcast.com. And be sure to also follow her on Instagram. Her account there is Pink Pink Podcast. And she shares a lot of great insights for people in the lifestyle there. But here's what she had to say.

SPEAKER_01 17:47

What is something that I think too many people in BDSM get wrong and not enough people are talking about? It's the misuse and the overuse of the term topping from the bottom. I'll admit it, I don't like that term at all. I hear it used too frequently anytime a submissive is speaking up. When a submissive is sharing information about themselves, sharing their wants, their needs, their likes, and their dislikes, it's not a topping from the bottom. That's advocating for themselves. If I have a submissive who tell me that in an impact scene, they like to start with thuddy. And then once they're completely warmed up, you can add stingy and then go back and forth. Again, I don't consider that topping from the bottom. I consider that a user manual of my partner and how to make the scene the best it could possibly be. Unfortunately, the term topping from the bottom has become this absolute negative label. And too many submissives are afraid of it and therefore are afraid to share information with their partner. And we really should be encouraging our partners to share as much information with us as we can, not telling them that when they're doing it, it's topping from the bottom. The other problem with the term is that people are looking at topping from the bottom as a problem when it's actually a symptom. If I have a partner who is trying to give me explicit introductions of exactly how they want a scene to go, that's telling me there's a trust issue there. Either there's trauma from previous relationships, or we just haven't gotten our dynamic to the point where they're willing to let go and to trust me. And instead of accusing them of topping from the bottom, I'm gonna figure out why the trust isn't there and work on solving that problem. And then I think from there it will take care of any other issues.

SPEAKER_00 19:37

So that was Princess Rara from Pink King Podcasts. And again, you can find her on Instagram as well. I thought she brought up a really interesting point because I do think the phrase topping from the bottom gets misunderstood sometimes. There is a big difference between advocating for yourself, communicating your limits, or sharing what helps you have a better scene, and actually trying to take over control of the dynamic. I also think it's important to remember that this isn't just something submissives can do. Dominance can bottom from the top, too. And they do this by giving away their authority or constantly looking to the submissive for direction and validation and not in a healthy way. And at the end of the day, healthy BDSM requires communication from both people. I never want someone to be afraid to speak up about consent and limits or safety because they're worried they'll be labeled. But at the same time, if either partner is constantly trying to manipulate the dynamic from the role they've agreed not to lead from, then that's something worth talking about too. Like a lot of things in BDSM, I don't think it's black and white. So context definitely matters. But I want to finish off by sharing my one thing that I think most people in BDSM get wrong that no one talks about. Before I get to that though, thank you to all of the educators who took time out of their busy schedules and created a message for everybody here listening to the show. So all the experts that created a clip for me, thank you so much for that. I really, really appreciate it. And what I found really interesting after editing all of these clips was that everybody answered the question differently, but somehow they all kind of landed in almost the exact same place. Like every single one of them talked in one way or another about becoming more authentic and communicating better and taking responsibility and giving yourself permission to grow. I don't think that's a coincidence. BDSM isn't just something we do for a lot of us, it becomes one of the biggest drivers for personal growth that we've ever experienced. So, with that, I guess I'll be educator number six, a a bonus. So if I had to answer this question myself, what do I think most people in BDSM get wrong that nobody really talks about? I'd say it's that they underestimate how much personal growth BDSM requires. I think a lot of people come into BDSM looking for better physical intimacy or a stronger relationship, or maybe just a fun way to explore their fantasies. But what catches most people by surprise is that BDSM ends up basically holding up a mirror. It asks you to communicate better, it asks you to become more emotionally aware, to learn patience, to become more honest with yourself. It asks you to take responsibility for your actions. And sometimes that's the hardest part. We spend a lot of time talking about callers and protocols and contracts and toys. And those things are all fun. But underneath all that, BDSM is really about becoming a better person and a better partner if you have one. So whether you're a dominant or a submissive or a switch, if you're willing to do that inner work, your dynamic becomes so much stronger. I honestly think that's the part people don't talk about enough. The kink is exciting, don't get me wrong, but the personal growth is what changes your life. I want to thank you all for listening. And especially because you, the audience, the Dom Subliving community, you are what helps me stay on this journey. So I just want to say a huge thank you for your time today. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you want to go and leave a review about what you thought about this episode on Apple Podcasts, I'd really appreciate it. And you can also get the show notes at domsubliving.com slash one four five. And that includes the names of everybody who was here and also their links where you can connect with them online. So that's domsubliving.comslash one four five for episode 145. I also wanted to give you a free gift today just for listening to show you my appreciation. You can grab it at domsuving.comslash gift. It's access to dozens of BDSM resources like videos, workbooks, worksheets, guides, quizzes, and you can redeem all of that for free at domsubliving.com slash gift. I hope you enjoy this episode. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Subliving community. And a huge thank you again to all the amazing educators who contributed today. You can check out all of the details and links for the episode in the description and show notes. And be sure to hit subscribe because we have a lot of other fun things planned. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.