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Free use is probably one of the most misunderstood dynamics in BDSM. Some people think it's incredibly romantic, and other people think it's automatically abusive. The truth is, both sides usually miss the one thing that determines whether your relationship is actually ready for it. So let's talk about it. Welcome to the Dom Sub-Living podcast. Hey, it's Alessandra, and today we're talking about what free use is, what blanket consent actually means, how they work together, and how to figure out if your relationship is ready for it. Because not every DS dynamic is, and that's okay. Also, I'm going to walk you through a free BDSM contract you can actually download and use. It's one of the best tools I have for people who want to set this up the right way. I'll tell you exactly where to grab it. But first of all, what is free use? Well, let's start with the definition because I want us all to be talking about the same thing before we go anywhere else. Free use is a dynamic where the submissive makes themselves available to their dominant at any time for whatever the DOM wants without needing to be asked and without in the moment negotiation happening every single time. Think of it like a standing agreement. The sub has basically said in advance, you have access to me. And the DOM can act on that. So during a movie in the kitchen, first thing in the morning, it doesn't matter. And they can do it without stopping to check in like it's a new request each time. Now let me tell you what it is not, because this is extremely important. It is not anything goes, no limits, no expectations. It is not permission for a DOM to ignore hard limits. It is not a dynamic where the sub loses their voice. And it is absolutely not something that happens without a real intentional conversation first. Free use is not a loophole, it's an agreement, and it's a specific one with actual parameters. And we're going to talk about what exactly those look like. But when this concept first came up between me and my partner, my DOM, the first reaction I had when I heard it was that sounds intense. I was intrigued, but a little nervous. Like I was worried that free use would become overuse. I really had to sit with the idea of it and have a lot of conversations with him about what that would actually look like in our relationship. Because can you think of a dynamic that sounds more vulnerable than this one, where you're telling someone like, I'm here whenever you want me, no asking, no waiting. That takes a level of trust that most people, even inside the lifestyle, they don't build overnight. And that's the point. This isn't something you jump into, it's something you build towards um deliberately. Now, here's where most people get it wrong. Free use without a specific foundation in place first isn't kink. It's it's chaos, really. And the thing that creates that foundation has an actual name, and that's what we're going to get into right now. So the foundation is called blanket consent, and this is the piece that makes everything else work. Blanket consent is a pre-negotiated agreement. Um, usually it's written down, and it's where both partners decide in advance what is and isn't on the table. Instead of negotiating each individual thing you do from scratch, you just have one comprehensive conversation, and that agreement covers everything within the parameters you set together going forward. So here's a simple way to picture it. So you're building a container. You're not saying yes to everything, you're saying yes to these specific things, and that yes stays in place until you decide together that you can change it. There can be exceptions to all of these things and also other rules in place. And this is different than a lot of BDSM relationships, um, especially newer ones where consent gets negotiated kind of scene by scene. Like tonight we're doing XYZ. Are you okay with that? And scene by scene consent is great, it works. I'm a huge fan, and that's what I teach the majority of my students and clients. But blanket consent kind of shifts that to we've already talked about X, Y, and Z, and they're in our agreement. So when they happen, we don't need to pause and negotiate every time. That change is where the free use dynamic lives. The sub has already said yes to the, you know, shape of the relationship. The DOM already knows the boundaries, so they can act within those boundaries freely. And the sub can receive that without hesitation, without the pause that breaks the moment. So, what does a solid blanket consent agreement cover? Well, it covers a lot of things, and if you want to see it all and have your own agreement or contract to follow along, you can download ours for free at dom subliving.com slash contract. It's the exact one my Dom and I use. But a good blanket consent agreement covers hard limits. So the things that are completely off the table, like no exceptions, no matter what mood anyone's in, no matter how deep in a dynamic you are. It also covers soft limits, so things that are on the table, but they take a little bit of care. They require the DOM to be paying attention, reading the subs, like current state, and you know, not just assuming the green light is always on. It covers pre-approved activities. So the things that are fully opened, like no hesitation needed. It also covers time and context. So is free use happening 24-7 or only during evenings or only at home or not during work calls, not when we're sick or having a hard mental health day. These specific things matter more than people expect. Um, it also covers safe words, which are still in place, always. This is the thing I want to say twice, so I will. Safe words do not go away with blanket consent. Blanket consent means you don't have to negotiate before every encounter. The safe word means you can still stop any encounter. Those are two completely different things. If if someone tells you blanket consent replaces safe words, walk away from that person. Now, does this sound like a lot of work up front? Yes, it is. But ask yourself, is it more exhausting to have the same half-finished conversation every time you want to explore something? Most couples who've done the work up front will tell you, like, it's not even close. When my Dom and I had the conversation about free use and we did our contract, it did feel awkward at first. It kind of felt weird and overly formal, you know, especially because we had already been married for many, many years. But what surprised me when we actually sat down and talked through it was that we actually wanted a lot of the same things. It was kind of hard to finally say these things out loud, um, especially because at the time we were both part of a very strict high control religion. So saying these things out loud and putting them down on paper did bring up a lot of shame that I had to work through, but it was so, so worth it. So later on in the podcast, I'm going to walk you through the actual conversation you need to have before any of this starts. And I'll tell you about one piece of it that surprises almost everyone when they hear it. But first, how do free use and blanket consent work together in real life? Because you understand both concepts separately now, but let's talk about why they belong together and what it actually looks like when a couple has set this up well. So, free use is the dynamic. You'll hear people even use this term, like we have a free use dynamic. And then blanket consent is what makes it ethical and sustainable. You cannot have healthy free use without blanket consent. I mean that. If there's no agreement, there's no dynamic. There's just, you know, someone deciding on their own what they're allowed to do. And that's a completely different thing. The way I think about it is blanket consent is, you know, kind of like the contract, basically, the agreement. But free use is what happens inside that contract. Um, let me give you a few examples of what this looks like in my real life. So picture a Sunday afternoon. I'm in the kitchen doing dishes, and my dom walks in, you know, says nothing, and just, you know, takes what they want. I don't feel caught off guard. I don't feel like something is being done to me. I actually feel wanted and I feel needed. I feel like I'm living exactly inside the relationship we chose because we did choose it. We negotiated it. I said yes to this version of my life. That's free use working the way it's supposed to work. Now, for the dominance, this dynamic is not an easy one. It actually asks more of you, not less. You have to read your substate like constantly. You have to honor the limits you agree to, even when you're in the middle of a moment. You have to continuously earn the trust that makes this kind of openness possible in the first place. Free use under blanket consent is not a passive thing for Adam to hold. What would it feel like to have a relationship where the trust is so solid that you don't need to stop and negotiate every moment, where the yes is already there and you both just get to live inside of it. That's what we're talking about building. I'll give you an example in my own dynamic where this just worked exactly like it was supposed to. So, Jay, my Dom, he had been at work. I had texted him earlier in the day saying that I was, you know, I thought I was getting a migraine. And he, you know, told me to keep him updated. He ended up having a really hard and stressful day at work. And he came home and he asked me, like, how's your headache doing? And I said it's a lot better and went away and that it didn't turn into a migraine. So I was really happy because migraines can leave me like incapacitated where I can't do anything. But I told him how it basically went away on its own. And he said, good, because he had a really stressful day and he wanted to take it out on me. He told me to go in the bedroom with him, and that way he can, you know, use me as his sub. And that just really felt like proof to me that we had built something real together because he was still considerate of me, but I was able to still be of use to him and help him when he had a stressful day at work. So that is just one example of what it looks like in practice. But now I'm going to walk you through the specific steps to get this type of dynamic set up. And I'll be honest about the signs that your relationship might not be ready yet. All right, so let's say you're sold on all of this, you're like, heck yeah, I want to get started. Well, where do you actually start? Well, step one, get clear on your own desires first. So before you bring your partner into it. So if you're the sub, what is it about free use that appeals to you? Is it the feeling of being wanted without having to ask? Or the sense of being chosen or the you know removal of constant negotiation? Get specific about what you're actually drawn to. And if you're the DOM, same question. What do you want this to feel like? What draws you to this dynamic specifically? And for both of you, like what are your hard limits? What are the times or you know, context where this shouldn't apply? Be honest with yourself before you try to be honest with each other. And then step two, don't try to negotiate your entire blanket consent agreement in one sitting. That's a lot to put on one conversation. So you can just start with a simple question, something, you know, like, you know, I've been thinking about free use, like what's your gut reaction to that idea? Then give your partner time to sit with it before you need an answer from them. And if they don't even know what free use is, share this episode with them. And then step three, build the blanket consent agreement together and write it down. And I know that feels cheesy to some people, but having it in writing means you both have the same memory of what you agreed to. Like, there's no, like, I thought you meant this, like six months in. There's no confusion in the middle of a moment. And it means you can revisit it over time and expand on it, which is really exciting because it means your dynamic gets to grow. Now, before I get to step four, if you forgot everything your agreement is supposed to cover, just download our free contract at domsubliving.com/slash contract. It gives you a real framework to start from. It's not a one size fits all document. It's just a starting point, but it covers all the major categories that you'd want to address. And you can customize it completely for your dynamic. It gives you language for things that are genuinely hard to put into words. So go grab it at domsubliving.com/slash contract. The link is in the description too, and it's completely free. Now, step four is practice before you go all in. So start with something limited, like, you know, let's try free use for two weeks or you know, weekends only, and then check in. Like that's it. No pressure for it to be permanent, no feeling like you have to have everything figured out before you begin. A trial period gives you real data about what it feels like in practice versus how it sounded in theory. And I promise you, those two things can be completely different. Now, here is the big question we've been building towards. Is your relationship actually ready for free use under blanket consent? And here's my honest answer. Not every DS dynamic is. And there's no shame in that. This kind of dynamic asks for a specific level of trust and communication that takes real time to build. Rushing it doesn't make you more committed, it just creates problems that didn't need to exist. I've seen it many times and had to help many couples do damage control. But here are some signs that your relationship is ready. So you have a safe word system that you've actually used, like not just agreed to in theory. So if you've never used your safe word or your partner hasn't either, that doesn't mean the dynamic isn't working, but it does mean you don't yet have real data about what happens when you do. Another positive sign is you've navigated at least one difficult conversation about wants and needs and came out of it stronger. Um, and I'm not talking about just that first negotiation conversation, but like a real one where you know something needed to change and you both handled it like grown-ups. Another positive sign is the DOM reads the sub state accurately. So I'm not just talking about during scenes, but in general. So they notice when something's off and they adjust, they they pay attention to their partner as a person and not just a sub. So ask yourself, what would need to be true about your relationship for you to feel genuinely safe inside this kind of agreement? Make sure you know the answer to that question before you start a free use dynamic. Okay, one more thing before we wrap up. And this is the thing that actually catches most people off guard after they've already set everything up. The number one thing that breaks free use dynamics over time probably isn't what you would expect. But most couples do all of the hard work up front. They have the conversations, they write things down, they feel solid going in, and then they stop talking about it. They assume that because the agreement exists that everything is covered, like forever, done. But dynamics change. What felt exciting three months ago might feel different now. A soft limit might need to become a hard one. A context that felt safe might not feel that way anymore. Your relationship is not static. Your agreement shouldn't be either. So have check-ins ideally on a weekly or even monthly basis. Um, my Dom and I do ours weekly, but ask questions like is there anything in our agreement that doesn't feel right anymore? Is there anything you want to add? Has there been any moment where things felt off? You know, even a little bit. This is exactly why the contract at dom subliving.com slash contract is so helpful because it's not a document you sign and then forget. It's a living agreement. So go download it at domsubliving.com slash contract or click the link in the description. But remember, free use and blanket consent aren't just about power. They're about two people trusting each other enough to decide together in advance what their relationship looks like, and then actually living inside that decision. So is your relationship ready? Maybe, maybe not yet. But the fact that you're asking the question puts you ahead of most people. So grab the free contract at domsubliving.comslash contract. It's the best place to start. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Subliving.