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You want your partner to be more into the BDSM lifestyle. So you bring it up, you hint, you remind them, and somehow they seem less interested. The problem might not be what you're asking for, it might be how you're asking. And there's a much better way. Let me show you what it is. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living podcast. Hey, it's Alessandra, and if you're kind of way ahead of your partner on this kink journey of yours, maybe they're less curious, less confident, or maybe they're not even sure they want to be on this journey, then definitely stick around because this episode isn't about convincing them. It's not about tricks or manipulation or some clever line that will unlock their kink potential like it's a vending machine. You probably already know that nagging doesn't work. You've probably tried it. I want to talk about what actually works instead. But quick show of hands, so to speak, even though I can't see you. How many of you have done the hint dropping thing with your partner? Maybe you left a YouTube video on your computer screen. Maybe it was one of mine. Or maybe you did the really super subtle, oh, I just happened to be reading this article. Well, how did that go for you? Yeah, probably not like you hoped. Let's talk about why. But first, I want to name something before we go any farther, because I think a lot of you are feeling it and nobody's said it out loud yet. Resentment. You've got it or you're close to it. You watch other couples online casually talk about protocols and scenes and power exchange like it's nothing. And you wonder why your partner won't even have the conversation with you. And on top of resentment, maybe you're feeling frustration. You're tired, tired of explaining, tired of waiting, tired of watching your partner kind of fumble through something that you've wanted for years. And underneath both of those emotions, resentment and frustration, you're just feeling unfulfilled. You have real wants, real needs, and you don't want to be the person who's constantly asking because asking starts to feel like nagging, and nagging starts to feel like topping from the bottom. And now you're stuck between staying quiet and feeling small, or speaking up and getting rejected or feeling like a burden. Any of this sound familiar? Well, here's a question for you. Have you ever snapped at your partner over something completely unrelated, like the dishes or being late or whatever? And then later you realize it actually had nothing to do with the dishes. That's what happens when you swallow this stuff for months. It doesn't go away. It just comes out in other areas. So let's talk about why hinting and nagging don't work because there's actually something going on here. You don't just have relationship bad luck. When you hint at something over and over or you bring it up to your partner repeatedly, your partner's nervous system doesn't hear, I want to explore something with you. It hears you're doing something wrong again. And once someone feels like they're failing at something, they they don't lean into it, they get defensive, they shut down because that's just how people work when they feel judged. I want you to think about your own relationship for a minute. Does your partner ever go quiet to the point where they kind of seem disinterested? Well, what if they really were interested? Maybe they were just nervous or shy. There's a reason why people act this way, and we're gonna talk about it in a little bit because once you see it, you can't unsee it in your own relationship. But that brings us to the question: what's the real reason your partner isn't engaging? Here's how I like to reframe it. Most partners aren't rejecting kink, they're just rejecting the uncertainty of it. It's not that they don't want to do this with you, it's just that they don't really know what's involved and what's expected of them, and they're kind of scared of doing it wrong. Every time you bring it up, it kind of just centers around what you want. And then it kind of just feels like pressure instead of an invitation, even though that's not what you mean at all. Maybe your partner isn't saying no to BDSM, they're just saying no to the way they're being asked by you. So let me break this down into a few patterns that I see over and over with my students because you'll probably recognize your partner in one of these. So, number one, first there's the partner who's curious, but they're kind of frozen. They're interested, like genuinely interested, but the moment it gets real, they just kind of freeze because real feels too high stakes for them. They don't want to mess up in front of you or look silly. And then, second, there's the partner who just doesn't know what they'd even do in this type of relationship. You might think they're just hesitant because they don't want it when in reality they just don't have an idea in their head of what a scene or a dynamic could actually even look like. Nobody hands you a manual for any of this. So they just kind of don't know what to do or even expect from all of this. And then third, this one's honestly a little uncomfortable to say out loud, but there's the partner who just kind of assumes that this is all about you, that your wants and needs are kind of just the main focus, and that they're just there for your benefit. This one kills a lot of dynamics before they even start because no one wants to feel like just a prop in someone else's fantasy. But one more thing before we move on, because I think this is really important, but none of these three patterns mean that your partner is broken or that they're wrong for you, or that the two of you are incompatible, or that they're less committed to the relationship than you. They're just kind of stuck. And being stuck isn't the same as not wanting something. A lot of you have spent months treating stuck like it means no, and that kind of mix-up is costing you so much of your time and happiness. So, what actually works? Well, this next part is hands down the thing my students say is the biggest turning point. I'm not gonna give you a word-for-word script. There are no tricks here, it's just a change in the order of things. So, before you ask your partner for more, show them that you see what they're already doing right. Like, when's the last time you told your partner what they're already doing well, instead of just telling them what you wish they did more of? I know that almost sounds too simple, but trust me on this. Here's why it works and it's not complicated. People move toward appreciation and they move away from criticism. When you're nagging, even if it's got the the best of intentions, nagging comes across as criticism no matter how you try to spin it. So saying, you know, I wish you'd take more initiative still will tend to come across as you're not doing enough, even if that's not what you meant at all. But appreciation does the opposite. It opens a door that criticism will just slam shut. Because appreciation is telling your partner, I see what you're doing and I want more of that from you, instead of you're not doing enough and you need to catch up. If you have access to our partner transformation toolkit, we actually share more in detail how to do it there because there's a specific way to do it well. A lot of people will overdo it and it just kind of sounds fake and backfires. But if you do it too little, the person may not even register it. Your partner might just nod along and move on or say thanks. And so you kind of just lost the opportunity. So the sweet spot is just being very specific and small. You're not saying, like, oh, you're such an amazing partner. That's nice, but it would make me a little suspicious if my Dom kind of gushed over me like that and just kind of love bombed me. So say something like, I really loved how you checked in with me last week without having to ask, or I really like how you followed through on that task without me having to remind you. That's specific and it's something that the person can repeat. It's tangible, and so that will stick with them. But say you now want to move even farther, how do you actually start the conversation of wanting more? So, number one, lead with observation and not just asking. You can say, I've noticed, yada, yada, yada, instead of, you know, I need X, Y, and Z. Because when you're just saying what you've observed, you're not putting anyone on the defensive. And then number two, ask what they want before you say what you want. This flips the entire dynamic of the conversation because you're not having to convince them of this secret agenda you have. It's more about discovering what their needs and wants are. And then number three, make it reversible. So, what I mean by this is don't put any pressure on them to decide anything on the spot. If you ask them, like, what would you want if this is up to you? That'll leave room for them to say, I don't know. And that's totally okay. The point isn't to get a concrete commitment from them on that one conversation. It's just to open the door and leave it open so that they'll want to have more conversations in the future. Okay, so here's something important that I want you to keep in mind though. Getting that first conversation right is maybe only 20% of the whole picture. So many of you stress over that first conversation when you bring it up, but again, that's just probably 20% of it. The other 80% is what happens afterwards because you don't want to have this perfect conversation and then just basically screw everything else up. That's actually the biggest thing I see go wrong. And that's what we're going to cover next. What happens after that initial conversation? So maybe your partner says, okay, I'm willing to talk about doing more. I'm willing to maybe try more. And then maybe one of two things happens. So, number one, you go too fast and overwhelm them. Or two, you kind of just go quiet because you kind of just assume you've done the hard part and then you're just hoping that they'll kind of take over and the rest will just figure itself out. Because when you get a yes from your partner, that's not the finish line. It's actually a starting line, but most people treat it like a finish line. So, what actually helps here is just small steps instead of taking a full plunge into everything, regularly checking in instead of just assuming everything's fine, continuing to let your partner set the pace. Because especially if you're the sub and you've kind of gotten your partner open to the idea of being a DOM. Now, if you start directing every detail and telling them what to do and how to do it, not only is that borderline topping from the bottom, but your partner is also going to go back to feeling like they're just performing for you instead of you know building something with you. This is the part of the process where having a real structure really helps because you don't just want to be winging it. I mean, after coaching hundreds of students and clients, I've seen this play out in many different ways. Someone finally gets their partner to say, like, okay, let's try this. And then they're so relieved and excited that they plan this elaborate scene for that same weekend. And the partner who just barely got comfortable saying yes to this idea suddenly feels like they're being signed up for a performance review. So it's just too much too fast. The couples who actually build something lasting that I've seen, they've almost always started smaller than maybe they originally wanted to, but they knew to go slow. Maybe they just started with one simple rule, or maybe just one evening, or one little ritual, or one little piece of equipment. They haven't built a whole power exchange dynamic overnight. And it may feel slow when you're the one who's been wanting this for so long, but it's exactly the right speed for the person who's just starting out. Okay, so now I'm gonna go over the top question I get when talking about how to help your partner. Maybe you have this question too, but one of the top questions I get is what if I've already tried all this and it just didn't work well? That's totally fair, but here's the truth. It probably didn't work, not because of your partner, but maybe because of your approach. Whether you like it or not, maybe you were doing a little bit of nagging or hinting too much or trying to lead your partner in your direction instead of going at their pace. Again, don't lead with what you want and need. Make it about them and be curious about what they want and need, like genuinely curious. They will pick up whether you care about them or not. I mean, we already talked about why that doesn't work, but you need a different approach, and that way you'll get a different result. And sometimes you also need someone looking in from the outside. I don't know if you've heard this analogy, but I I love it so much. And it's that you can't read the label when you're inside the bottle. You need someone else's outside perspective, someone like a counselor or a coach or a you know, Domsa mentor, someone who can give you some outside perspective and help give you some guidance. Now, if you're a member of our partner transformation toolkit or our all access pass, you have all of this. You have the step-by-step process for all of this and what to do in a lot of different situations and scenarios. We give you the exact scripts and a full system for how to follow through with the parts that most people get wrong. One of my favorite testimonials about this course is from Nicole, and she said the course was really helpful for perspective on both sides. She says, I recommend checking it out and having your partner watch it too. It's a good stepping stone to get back on track or at least take a few steps in the right direction to both get what you want and need. And then I also had a student named Matthew who he said the workshop was amazing. It really set us up for success and it gave me a clear path to help facilitate our steps in this journey. What I like the most was the open, honest environment Alessandra provided. I absolutely recommend this workshop. So, you know, I love all of our students inside our courses, but I get emails all the time from people who say some version of the same thing. I wish I found this two years ago, or I can't believe how much I overcomplicated this. It wasn't because they were in a bad relationship. It's just because nobody ever taught them a structure for having these types of conversations. A lot of people have to figure this out with zero roadmap and they just kind of make it up as they go along. And then they wonder why it feels so hard and it's not working. It's hard and it's not working because you're improvising something that actually has a proven workable framework. You just hadn't had access to it yet. So if you do want the whole system, it's at domsupliving.com/slash toolkit. The link is in the show notes too. You can grab it now while it's at its current price before it goes up. Because if you've been wanting more from your partner, you don't need to wait another month or another year or maybe even another decade. You just need the right approach and the right support. And now you've got it. So go easy on yourself if this didn't click into place in just one episode. It's a process and a journey. It's not a switch, but it does work. So let me know how it works out for you and your partner. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.