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Jealousy doesn't always mean you're insecure or that something's wrong with your DS relationship, but handle it badly, and suddenly you're questioning your partner, your role as a Dom or sub, and whether you can trust what you've built together. So here's what my Dom and I do when jealousy shows up in our dynamic. Welcome to the Dom Sub-Living Podcast. Hey, it's your kinky guide, Alessandra, and this is the place where we talk about power, pleasure, and building the kind of DS relationships that actually work for real life. Today's episode comes straight from one of our private programs. One of our clients wrote in with a question a lot of you have probably asked yourselves at some point, especially if you're exploring polyamory or nommonogmy, or you're just trying to keep your DS dynamic intact underneath it. So jealousy. How do you handle it without letting it wreck what you've already built? I answered this one for our private members, and I wanted to bring it here too on the podcast with their permission, because honestly, this is one of those topics that never stops being relevant. Heck, even vanilla people deal with it too. You don't even have to be dating other people. But whether you're just starting to explore opening up your relationship or you've been doing this for years, jealousy has a way of showing back up right when you think you've got it all figured out. So let's listen in on their question and you can hear exactly what I told them. Okay, so we have a question. They say, Me and my partner are starting to explore polyamory. We want to keep our DS dynamic, but we're also dealing with jealousy. Um, do you have any tips or advice for navigating this? So jealousy can be hard with polyamory for sure. Like with all things, keep the lines of communication open, um, be totally honest. If if you are struggling with communication before you started exploring polyamory, like it's not gonna get better. Like, so make sure you have that foundation of just being open and honest with each other. If it has been a struggle, having like a safe place to discuss those things, whether it's like writing a letter to each other because like maybe discussing it is too intense, or just having like a quiet place like outside of your play area or bedroom that you can, you know, both be in the right mindset to talk about those things and kind of having like a frame, like we're only gonna talk about this here in this situation, um, and then we'll check in later, kind of a thing. But jealousy is a normal emotion. Um I mean, human beings have tons of emotions, and jealousy is just another one of them. So I think I think a lot of times, I'm not saying you're doing this, but like we kind of give a blanket description to whatever we're feeling as it pertains to polyamory as jealousy, and that may not always be the case, but even if it is, like getting very specific about what you're feeling can help. So is it like that you're feeling jealous, or like maybe it's more fear, or maybe it's more insecurity, maybe it's more anger, kind of trying to figure out what is causing those feelings too, and just like the more you dig in and focus and kind of just be um, you know, a scientist almost, like just trying to like figure out what these feelings really are. You you'll be better able to label them and know what's causing them, what's triggering them, so that way you can communicate better with your partner. I'm glad that you're you know wanting to keep that DS dynamic. You didn't say whether it's like both of you exploring polyamory or just one of you. I know a lot of times it seems like the the stereotypical relationship is the DOM to have more partners and not the sub. But there's you know, you can make anything work if you you really want to. So, you know, just being really clear about what is causing the jealousy and having your partner be respectful of that too. So the other thing I was gonna add is, you know, make sure you set clear boundaries. And also, like, so boundaries are things that you set for yourself. Like an example for setting a boundary could be just like, you know, I'm not going to like check my partner's phone to look at their conversations with their other partners, you know, that's controlling yourself. So boundaries are for yourself, or I'm not going to discuss these feelings of jealousy with my partner when it's late at night because we tend to fight or things like that. And then you would have like agreements, and those are things that your partner has agreed to as well. So, like maybe it's like having a um, this is something Jay and I have done is like having a greeting ritual, um, you know, after they go on a date and they come back home is like having a greeting ritual around that. And so that's like an agreement you set. So setting clear boundaries, setting clear agreements so that you're both on the page about what is acceptable, what isn't, and that involves things like even sexual boundaries, um, sexual agreements, just other things that you have in place. And in regards to DS dynamics, too, that there's a whole can of other worms that come into play with boundaries and agreements and kind of roles with that. So, like, you know, maybe only in your dynamic you call each other by your specific honorifics, but the other partners that they have um and you have don't get to use that those same honorifics. So things like sir or mommy or baby girl or you know, whatever you have. So those are just examples, and that can help keep that dynamic as well. But hopefully, you know, your partner is doing everything they can to reassure you that you're just as important and valuable and that they're just as attracted to you and things like that, and hopefully they're doing a good job doing that. If they're not, then you can communicate with them as well. But let's say they are doing, you know, a really, really good job, but you're still having these feelings of jealousy or maybe their insecurity. So insecurity means like you're not secure. So being secure in your relationship, but also you need to be secure with yourself as well. So, you know, prioritizing your self-care, building up your self-esteem, you know, those are all things that that really help, especially when your other partner is on a date. That can be really, really hard because then it's just you. But you know, using that time to again really build up your security, you know, maybe you go out with friends or or do other things to really build that support system that you have, and then just continue to educate yourself. There's a lot of nuances with polyamory, and every single polyamory dynamic is different and personalized. And you will talk to one polyamorous couple, and they do things completely different than the next polyamorous couple you talk to. So just continue to educate yourself, read all the books. You know, there's tons of information online, tons of support groups, um, even getting a therapist, you know. Like I always say, so many therapists now are kink aware and kink friendly. And especially after the pandemic, we have seen that so many therapists are, you know, aware of polyamory because so many people in the in lockdown kind of turn to polyamory. So hopefully that helps. Know that also you don't have to jump in to a situation. So if you are starting to feel that jealousy or insecurity, it can be a way of your gut saying, like, this is a little too much, maybe we're going too fast. So just remember to take things slow. And there's also um, you know, try to focus on compersion. So compersion is the opposite of jealousy. Compersion is when like you're instead of feeling jealous for your partner in their new relationships, you're feeling happy for your partner in their new relationships. So try to focus on the positive aspects. I know that's like easier said than done, but you know, if they're happy, be happy too, as long as they're respecting your boundaries and honoring their agreements and communicating and things like that. And now things change, like nothing is set in stone. So, you know, keep revisiting, adjusting. I know with us, like we may think we're comfortable and okay and secure in one thing, and then you know, we go through that and we're not. So you kind of have to like readjust, and that and that's okay. That's just like any relationship, really. So, yeah, um, jealousy, it's a natural emotion. We all experience it. You know, even if you're not in a polyamorous relationship, you're going to feel jealousy, even if you're not in a relationship at all. I mean, people experience jealousy, it's you know, a normal emotion, but continue to work with your partner, um, be patient and and really prioritize your DS dynamic because that needs to be secure, that needs to be the foundation before you start adding extra things. It's just like before you're gonna have kids, you know, make sure your relationship is healthy and secure and things like that. So before you add any new human beings to your, you know, dynamic in life and relationship, make sure that you have that strong connection with your partner. But yeah, hope, hope it helps. So that's how we handle jealousy in our DS relationship and how you can too. And remember, jealousy isn't something to be ashamed of, it's just information. Learn to listen to it, to name it and work through it with your partner, and it will eventually stop taking over your whole life and emotions. You learn to let it come and go, and eventually it will just happen a lot less. But if you're like jealousy in my DS relationship is a lot different or complex. There's a lot more nuances. Well, that's exactly the kind of thing we go so much deeper on inside the All Access Pass. If you're a member, you already have step-by-step trainings in your course dashboard on how to handle jealousy, navigating polyamory, and working through non-monogamy inside a DS dynamic. And beyond the trainings, you also get access to one-on-one coaching sessions with me where we can walk you through specific situations because I know jealousy never looks exactly the same for any two people. If you're not a member yet and this episode hit home for you, you can check it out at domsubliving.com/slash all access and you can join there. You'll get access to all of the trainings that I mentioned, plus all of our current and future trainings too. And inside the All Access Pass, that's where you can chat with me directly. And honestly, it's where a lot of these deeper conversations happen that we just don't have time for to fully cover here on the podcast. So that's domsubliving.comslash all access. The link is in the description too. Thanks for spending this time with me today. And until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Sub Living.