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There's a lot of pressure to be the perfect submissive, to obey correctly, to know your role, and to somehow anticipate what your Dom wants. But most of those expectations, you probably learn from the wrong places. So I'm gonna help you out. Welcome to the Dom Sub Living podcast. Today I have a special guest episode from Luna, the creator of Submissive Guide. Luna has spent over 17 years teaching, writing, and coaching submissives. And I've really appreciated the work she's done helping people better understand submission and build healthier DS dynamics. In this episode, she's breaking down what's actually expected of a submissive, whether you're single, brand new to a dynamic, or you're already in a DS relationship. She'll talk about how to prepare for submission, communicate expectations with your partner, build rules and rituals that actually work for you, and recognize some of the myths and red flags that can make subs feel like they're doing everything wrong. You can check out Luna at submissiveguide.com and listen to more of her podcasts wherever you listen to podcasts. But if you've ever wondered what is a DOM actually supposed to expect from their sub, this episode is for you. Let's listen in.

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Today we're going to talk about what you need to know before you enter a DS dynamic and what you can learn to build your skills as you develop that relationship. I'll also provide you with some steps on how to utilize your experiences with rules, protocol, and a few simple rituals. What are you expected to do and know as a submissive? For many who are just starting out, the answer really is not much. And yet that's never a satisfying answer, is it? We all want clarity, especially when stepping into something as vulnerable and meaningful as submission. Of course, there's more to it, but it's important to remember that you have to begin somewhere and then build your knowledge and experience from there. So let's talk about what you can do to make sure you're better informed before you enter a relationship and how to keep learning once you've found a dominant to submit to. That way, the question of what's expected of me can be answered as fully as possible. Section one: When you're single, building your foundation. Being single doesn't mean being idle. There's a lot you can do and learn about yourself and the type of dynamic you want, which means you can arm yourself with a working sense of what might be expected of you later. Start with self-reflection. Take some time to write and journal about questions like, what does submission mean to me? What kinds of control excite me? And what ones scare me? What are my hard limits and non-negotiables? How do I want to feel when I submit? What do I absolutely not want to be responsible for in a dynamic? What would make submission feel meaningful and sustainable to me six months from now? Then move to education. Read some of my recommended books from novices to learn about BDSM and the dynamic styles you'll be striving to explore. While you're reading, write down any questions that come up. Make notes on things you like, things you don't like, and anything that feels brand new to you. Over time, this becomes your personal checklist of curiosities and boundaries. Don't overestimate the value of small experiments either. Sometimes you won't know what you want until you try a little taste of it. Even practicing simple rituals for yourself, like kneeling for a moment of meditation, or wearing a subtle token like a special bracelet, or keeping a self-care rule, can give you insight into what submission feels like in your body and mind. So here are a few low pressure ways that you can explore on your own. Choose a daily ritual and follow it for a week. Things like a morning check-in or an evening gratitude or setting out your clothes for yourself. Pick one service task for yourself, like keeping your space tidy or prepping your lunch and track how it feels to do it consistently. Practice asking for permission for something small with a trusted partner or even as a personal prompt to yourself to notice your desire and slow down before indulging, such as, may I have a treat after work? The point isn't to turn your life into a rule book before you have a dominant. It's important to notice what lights you up, what calms you, what stresses you out, so that you can communicate that clearly later. Section two, community and connection. Where do you go to learn these things beyond books? There are several places I recommend. If you're able, consider meeting people face to face in a BDSM support group. It's one of the best ways to see a variety of DS dynamics at work and get honest, nuanced answers to your questions. You can often find groups by searching for BDSM Munch plus the name of your city. Websites like FELLife are also useful starting points. Of course, not everyone can or wants to step into the local community right away. Online communities are another option. The largest of these is FetLife. If you haven't been there yet, it's worth browsing. I highly recommend the Novices and Newbies group. It's helpful, non-judgmental, and purpose-built for answering the questions you may feel too shy to ask. Smaller forums and Discord servers like the ones Submissive Guide hosts also exist. And sometimes a cosier space feels safer to share in. A word of caution. Not every online group is healthy. Some spaces are filled with bad information, predators, or toxic attitudes. If something feels off, if people shame you, dismiss your questions, or insist there's only one true way to do DS, listen to your instincts and step away. The right community should feel encouraging, even if they challenge you to think. Unlike vanilla relationships, which you're exposed to from birth, researching DS relationships is almost necessary if you're attracted to them. We don't grow up seeing power exchange modeled in healthy ways. To learn, you have to seek out examples through books, communities, and honest conversations. So let's talk about a quick checklist for vetting a group, either online or in person? Do the moderators enforce consent and anti-harassment rules? Is there a culture for asking for sources and sharing experience without shaming? Are beginners welcomed or mocked for basic questions? Do local leaders model negotiation and aftercare or just brag about intense play? Do you leave interactions feeling informed and respected? Section three, I'm in a new relationship. Now what? Alright, so maybe you didn't get the chance to do the research before finding a partner. That's okay. Many of us need a relationship first before we really know what we want. What do you do now? Talk to your dominant. Yes, I want you to talk to them about expectations instead of just reading their mind. Wild, right? But it's the only way forward. Set aside some time where you both feel safe and comfortable. Suspend your roles for a little while if you need to and simply talk about your relationship. Here are a few conversation starters to ground the discussion. What does our dynamic ultimately look like to you? What does being a dominant or submissive mean in your eyes? Are you looking for rules in the bedroom only or in daily life too? What would make you proud to call me your submissive? What kinds of structure help you thrive? And what feels like busy work? What do you expect from me when I'm stressed, sick, or overwhelmed? A confident dominant often knows what they want and can articulate it clearly. For example, they might say, I want you to speak politely in public, always say please and thank you, and check in with me each evening about your day. I expect you to dress neatly and you'll need my permission before wearing underwear. This kind of detail gives you the chance to ask clarifying questions, negotiate boundaries, and even repeat back their expectations so you're both on the same page. But not every dominant has that clarity, especially if they're new. If you're growing together, start small, one rule at a time. Build slowly and don't overwhelm yourselves with a dozen protocols before you're ready. So here is a gentle one-month plan that you can try. On week one, choose one shared ritual and one personal habit. For example, a good morning text or an evening kneeling time and a hydration medication or stretching habit. Week two, add a simple service task and a communication rule. So you make the bed or you prep coffee and you have a daily check-in with your mood and a request for support. Week three, you introduce one symbolic rule, like permission for a small indulgence, and then one manners protocol, such as using honorifics at agreed times. Honorifics are like using titles like Sir and Master. And then week four, you review what you have been doing the past three weeks, drop what isn't working, and then decide on two that are great for keeps to use for the next month. And you keep repeating that ongoing. Think of it like learning to swim. You didn't dive into the deep end right away, or at least I hoped you didn't. You wade in, you find your rhythm and go deeper only when you're confident, and you can keep your head above the water. Section four. General expectations for submissives. So what about general universal expectations? Is there a baseline for what it means to be a good submissive? To some degree, yes. And it's not as complicated as people make it out to be. And you're probably see these as good traits to have no matter how you identify. Be respectful. Treat others, not just your dominant, with courtesy. Be honest. Share your needs, your struggles, and your desires openly. Hiding them only leads to resentment later. Be responsible. Keep your commitments both in and outside your dynamic. And if you can't uphold something, communicate it. Care for yourself. Submission doesn't erase your responsibility for your own mental and physical health. In fact, self-care makes you a stronger partner. Stay curious. Ask questions, seek knowledge, and remain open to growth. Practice repair. When mistakes happen, and they will, take accountability for your part and work toward repair. Prioritize consent, enthusiastic, informed, and ongoing for both of you. Above all, don't be a jerk. You want to be the kind of submissive your dominant is proud to have, not someone who leaves a trail of hurt feelings behind them. A few everyday examples of healthy expectations. Be on time for dates or check-ins, and text if you'll be late. Keep your space reasonably clean so you can focus on play or connection. Communicate energy levels before scenes, asking for aftercare proactively. Track medications, hydration, and sleep so you're safe during play. Section five. Sometimes submissives worry about expectations because they've been fed harmful myths. So let's clear up a few. A real submissive obeys without question. No. You always retain the right to say no, negotiate and withdraw consent. If I struggle or mess up, I've failed. Nope. Mistakes are part of learning. Growth matters more than perfection. Dominants always know best. Not true. A healthy dominant may lead, but they aren't infallible. Communication is still essential. More rules equals better submission. Quantity doesn't equal quality. The best protocols are meaningful, sustainable, and aligned with your lives. And watch out for red flags. If a dominant expects you to hand over money immediately, cut off your friends, or abandon your own needs entirely, pause. Those aren't healthy expectations. A good dominant wants you to thrive, not shrink. And here are a few other red flags to note. Rushing you into collaring or contracts without time to discuss terms, punishing you for asking questions or expressing discomfort, using because I'm the Dom as the only explanation for rules or decisions, and ignoring safer sex conversations, STI testing or scene planning. Section six practical tools to clarify expectations. If you're a list lover or just anxious, having a few concrete tools can calm the noise in your head. Here are a few you can keep in your submissive journal. An expectations map. Split a page into three columns. Label them definitely me, maybe me, and not me. And then place possible tasks where they belong right now, like daily check-in, kneeling, address protocols, budgeting, errands, etc. And then revisit it monthly. A rules audit. Once a month, evaluate each rule you currently have. Is it helpful? Is it harming? Kind of neutral? Should you keep, tweak, or drop or discuss it? And yes, it's okay to retire rules if they're not serving you. A needs and capacity check. Weekly, rate your physical, emotional, and mental capacity one to ten. You can decide whether one is really low or one is really high, your choice. Adjust your expectations accordingly. A low capacity isn't failure, it's just information you can use. An aftercare card. Write down the top three things that help you recover after a conflict and after play, and then share it with your dominant, which you can also like post it on the refrigerator if you want, or make it a snapshot as a background on your phone, whatever you choose to do. These tools ground the conversation in reality instead of fantasy-level expectations you can't possibly meet every single day. No one expects you to be perfect from the start, and no new dominant is going to know exactly what they want either. So have patience with yourself, with your partner, and with the whole process. When you ask yourself, what's expected of me? I hope you can now see that the answer isn't a rigid checklist. It's a combination of knowledge, communication, and growth. You're allowed to move slowly and ask questions. Slow and steady is the most self-aware way to become the submissive you wish to be.

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Wow. One thing I really appreciate about Luna's approach is the reminder that being a good submissive isn't about being perfect. It's not about obeying blindly or somehow knowing exactly what your DOM wants without being told. Expectations are something you build together through communication and experience and actually figuring out what works in your dynamic. If this episode gave you a little more clarity about what should and shouldn't be expected of submissives, I highly recommend checking out submissiveguide at submissiveguide.com. Luna has tons of resources specifically for submissives, and you can find her podcasts wherever you listen to podcasts. I'll also share all of her links in the show notes. But until next time, keep embracing your power and pleasure through Dom Subliving.